AIBU-partner watching workout videos

[YourRealOP]

Hi,

need some advise. Came home from work early to find my partner watching yoga videos and masturbating and I genuinely feel sick. I feel like it’s so inappropriate and degrading to objectify women in this way as it isn’t why the material has been created. If I’d caught him watching porn that would have given me the ick but catching him doing it to women who are just working out has honestly made me feel so disgusted with him. I literally cannot even look at him. We have always had in depth discussions about objectifying women/ women’s rights etc and I now feel like I don’t even know who he is. Aside from this he is actually the perfect partner but he said when he’s bored/stressed etc he does this. I’ve found out he searches YouTube for women exercising/dancing/ flashing etc. it just feels so seedy. Can I have your opinions on this do you think I’m being OTT? It feels unhealthy to me

So he sees women just as sex objects for his gratification.
I assume he is supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with you so you have every right to find this disrespectful . I certainly would and I can understand how it's changed your view of him. It looks like you have discovered the real him.

i think you’re over reacting to be honest, kinda cringey and embarrassing but not a big deal

I’d rather my DH masturbate over a yoga vid than some of the vile hard core porn out there.

Women also lust obey good looking guys doing seemingly normal things (what’s that lumber Jack’s name on TikTok)

I think you are being OTT and a bit ingenious.
Women who put videos online - know perfectly well that anyone can use them for any purposes. There is a reason women are not dressed in shapeless sweats - while they exercise, dance and flash.

You are confusing natural and healthy sexual attraction men have for women (and vice versa) - and consider it objectifying. I am guessing the main reason is vulnerability/jealousy you feel because your partner is finding other females attractive.

Seeing women (or men) as sexual beings - is not objectifying. We all do that - women also watch men exercising - my Insta throws them at me regularly... (push-up challenge just now? - There once was a ship that went to sea...- horizontal muscular men, etc...). Do I imagine these men when masturbating? Yes? No? Maybe? Nobody's business, really.

Feeling sick because your partner is masturbating is a massive overreaction.

What is going on in your life - and why are you feeling this insecure? How is your sex life?

Have you posted about this before? Or was there something similar recently?

Sounds harmless to me. Better than watching trafficked women being raped imo.

If he was watching porn then he’d get battered for liking something where women get abused, raped and coerced.

if he’s watching yoga, as he was, then people will still say it’s disgusting and he’s objectifying women for his own sexual gratification.

I can guarantee the women in the yoga vid weren’t wearing very much, what they were wearing was skin tight and the ‘poses’ they were doing were done in a sexual (ish) way. It’s obviously not made for the reason your DH was using it for, but we all know sex sells and a sexy vid = more views.

if he is actively avoiding sex with you and instead wanking over yoga classes the. It’s a whole different ball game, otherwise I don’t see it as a huge issue as long as it doesn’t become a frequent habit and your sexual needs and desires are not forgotten.

It always amazes me the number of posters on MN who are supposedly in monogamous relationships but who have no problem with their partners looking outside the relationship for sexusl.gratification.

I don’t feel sick because he’s masturbating. I feel sick that it’s at women exercising. The videos are for other people to follow to get fit and healthy not for them to be used as some masturbation aid. This makes me feel uncomfortable going to the gym that perhaps men get off on this.

No I’ve never posted here before

He shouldn’t be whacking one out to other women. He should be coming to you to have his needs taken care of. This would change my view of him as well. You’re allowed to feel however you like about it. Don’t let other people rubbish your feelings. They are valid.

This would give me a huge ick too

Anyone who works in the entertainment industry who has their body on show in a vaguely sexualised manner and is an adult, is aware that it might make someone somewhere horny.
Why should they be bothered?
Amd what does it really mean?
If he saw the video then turned it off went upstairs and imagined the women in the video would it still upset you?? Would you still think he's objectifying them?
If he imagined you to get off and you didn't know about it would you think he was objectifying you?

I can see why it's given you the ick. It would me. But I think you are overreacting a bit tbh. I don't think this means he objectifies women.
You can see the thought process.
Men tend to be very visual. He's probably thought 'it's not okay to look at women in porn as you don't know if they've been sex trafficked, you don't know if they agreed to the video being shared online, it's cheating to look at other women naked, it feels dirty and wrong'
But the women in the yoga video are all happy, they are all there by choice, they are all fully clothed, they are all adult women.

In an ideal world he wouldn't masturbate over anything but despite what some people tell you on mumsnet, in reality there are hardly any men at all out there who have not nasturbated over images at some point in their life. I am telling you now.. even the loveliest, most feminist minded men.

Personally I'd just say to him 'do you think those women would be OK with you doing that mate? They are probably just trying to teach yoga.' Amd I'd leave it at that and not give it a second thought.
This is assuming the bigger picture is that he's a decent guy in general

That's crossing the line. Does he do it to TV shows aswell I'd say he does

If it's a dealbreaker for you, then finish the relationship. No one can make boundaries for you, they're very personal.

It wouldn't bother me if I caught my bf masturbating to women working out. However it's your relationship and your standards.

Needs taken care of

🤢

He should be coming to you to have his needs taken care of.

Eehhh... what!?

This makes me feel uncomfortable going to the gym that perhaps men get off on this.

Of course they do. They are men and testosterone has that effect on them. I thought everyone knew this 🤷‍♀️

@YourRealOP

We have always had in depth discussions about objectifying women/ women’s rights etc and I now feel like I don’t even know who he is

I imagine he agrees with you & nods because he can’t really do anything else. He probably thinks fitness videos are a good alternative to porn. I'm not saying it's acceptable but I think most men like looking at women.

To be honest in light of all the horrible things I have heard recently about men (the French case for example) this seems quite tame. When you think men are getting off on choking videos, queuing up to see Bonnie Blue this doesn't seem too much of a worry.

You appear to be suggesting in your opening paragraph that women who post yoga videos deliberately wear tight clothes to titilate men:'There is a reason women are not dressed in shapeless sweats-while they exercise, dance and flash'. ('Flash', really?!) What's the reason? Because for me it's comfort, not sexual objectification.

Hi op,

It’s a complex one. On the one hand I completely understand how you feel. It is objectifying and disrespectful. But then again, I also agree we can all do that at times without giving things much thought or having intention to objectify or hurt.

When I reflect about my fantasies, they aren’t all wholesome and about my DH. At the same time, I wouldn’t actually want to live out my fantasies. They are just that. Thoughts, or maybe in his case material, for sexual stimulation.

It’s upsetting when we stumble across the fantasy of others, because we realise that their fantasy rarely includes us. But then why would it? They have us. This can induce feelings of jealousy or hurt, which is normal and understandable. We also have the illusion of this pure, loyal, honest, perfect person who we chose to spend our lives with spoiled. But having those expectations of someone else is unrealistic, especially when if we really analysed ourselves there will be things we don’t want our partners to know about us.

I don’t really want to know what my partner masturbates to. Unless it’s my lovely Facebook profile pic, anything is going to hurt. Can you image the post: I got home today and walked in on my husband masturbating over soft porn, pictures of women of around 30 who had posted their own photos for fun and he could prove the site he was using was ethical - I was so happy. Yeah, it’s not going to happen.

Finally, one thing I’ve learnt is that we only ever know so much of a person. Sometimes we see snippets of a person we don’t like in the people we love and we don’t recognise that person. But they can be both, simultaneously. That guy you love is there, he has a side that likes what he likes, but he hasn’t really changed. Can you tolerate that bit about him now that you don’t like?

It’s a shock op. Perhaps speak to him about your concerns about objectification of women and also about where and when he is masturbating, so he can ensure privacy?

WTAF
Seriously.
You are totally entitled to feel the ick about it in the same way as he is totally entitled to get turned on by women doing yoga.

You are conflating two different things. Him finding women in workout vids sexy is not him objectifying them. He is literally having a wank. You can’t police whatever finds sexy. Frankly you should be glad he gets turned on by consenting adults in Lycra rather than trafficked raped women.
You’ve got your priorities all wrong in my view.

And as for the woman above who thinks only you should be the thing turning him on and that you need to take care of his needs is frankly all levels of fucked up. This is the kind of shit that’s apparently going to Make America Great Again. Jesus wept.

and to add, your DH is never ever going to find just you sexy. It is not possible. No one’s husband is that man. Just a heads up.

I’m literally not asking for him to find only me sexy so I don’t know why you are saying that.

it makes me uncomfortable that a man sits down to put workout videos on the virgin box to masturbate to. It’s a woman working out in workout clothes its not a video for sexual gratification I don’t understand why so many are telling me it’s better than pornography and that all men do this because I find it icky and very unnerving.

Thank you so much this is one the most sensible and helpful replies. I will certainly reflect on my own response I guess it was the shock as to me it is objectifying women, but I totally see your points.

Cool so we should only ever get upset when we find out they’ve been participating in drugging and raping women.

oh great someone else who blames hormones rather than a person owning their behaviour. He’s not a 12 year old boy he’s a fully grown man.