Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU-partner watching workout videos

105 replies

YourRealOP · 20/01/2025 21:14

Hi,

need some advise. Came home from work early to find my partner watching yoga videos and masturbating and I genuinely feel sick. I feel like it’s so inappropriate and degrading to objectify women in this way as it isn’t why the material has been created. If I’d caught him watching porn that would have given me the ick but catching him doing it to women who are just working out has honestly made me feel so disgusted with him. I literally cannot even look at him. We have always had in depth discussions about objectifying women/ women’s rights etc and I now feel like I don’t even know who he is. Aside from this he is actually the perfect partner but he said when he’s bored/stressed etc he does this. I’ve found out he searches YouTube for women exercising/dancing/ flashing etc. it just feels so seedy. Can I have your opinions on this do you think I’m being OTT? It feels unhealthy to me

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 10:54

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/01/2025 04:12

Needs taken care of

🤢

Show quote history

What? Think humans don’t have sexual wants/needs? They do. And if they are horny then they should be going to their spouse for sexual satisfaction, not knocking one out to some random women who’s not their wife. Not in some creepy way but they should be getting their sexual needs met by their partner. I don’t see what’s so 🤢 about that.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 10:57

Heidi2018 · 21/01/2025 04:20

He should be coming to you to have his needs taken care of.

Eehhh... what!?

Eh what?? Yeah, a man or woman in a relationship who’s horny should be going to their partner for sexual satisfaction, not getting off to someone who isn’t their partner. What’s to difficult to understand about that?

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/01/2025 10:58

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 10:54

What? Think humans don’t have sexual wants/needs? They do. And if they are horny then they should be going to their spouse for sexual satisfaction, not knocking one out to some random women who’s not their wife. Not in some creepy way but they should be getting their sexual needs met by their partner. I don’t see what’s so 🤢 about that.

Show quote history

I need to eat - I don’t expect my Partner to feed me. It’s not my job to satisfy him sexually any time he wishes. We have sex when we both want to, not when he ‘needs’ to.

Heidi2018 · 21/01/2025 11:00

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 10:57

Eh what?? Yeah, a man or woman in a relationship who’s horny should be going to their partner for sexual satisfaction, not getting off to someone who isn’t their partner. What’s to difficult to understand about that?

Show quote history

It sounds a bit "man is horny, so woman must have sex" to me! Maybe you didn't mean it that way but that's how it comes across 🙈

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 11:05

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/01/2025 10:58

I need to eat - I don’t expect my Partner to feed me. It’s not my job to satisfy him sexually any time he wishes. We have sex when we both want to, not when he ‘needs’ to.

Show quote history

You’re conflating 2 different things entirely and it’s a stupid argument. If a person is horny it should be their partner they go to not someone else. It’s quite simple. Does the partner have to have sex with them right then and there? Of course not. That’s ridiculous. But that can also be a part of it. Waiting for the right time, for the partner to be ready too. It’s about self control and treating your partner with respect by not getting your kicks to someone else.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 11:07

Heidi2018 · 21/01/2025 11:00

It sounds a bit "man is horny, so woman must have sex" to me! Maybe you didn't mean it that way but that's how it comes across 🙈

Show quote history

I wasn’t only talking about men. I was talking about human beings and their sexual needs as a whole. If they are horny they go their partner. If they can’t have it right there and then, they wait until both are up for it. It’s called self control and having respect for your partner.

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/01/2025 11:24

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 11:05

You’re conflating 2 different things entirely and it’s a stupid argument. If a person is horny it should be their partner they go to not someone else. It’s quite simple. Does the partner have to have sex with them right then and there? Of course not. That’s ridiculous. But that can also be a part of it. Waiting for the right time, for the partner to be ready too. It’s about self control and treating your partner with respect by not getting your kicks to someone else.

Show quote history

My fundamental objection to your comment is that I don't consider it my job to satisfy my partner; sex is a mutual act for the benefit of both of us. I'm fine with my partner masturbating if he has a 'need', so we'll have to agree to disagree.

xRobin · 21/01/2025 11:31

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 11:07

I wasn’t only talking about men. I was talking about human beings and their sexual needs as a whole. If they are horny they go their partner. If they can’t have it right there and then, they wait until both are up for it. It’s called self control and having respect for your partner.

Show quote history

So, do you believe, once in a relationship, masturbation should stop?

Pelot · 21/01/2025 11:34

I'd be happier with this than porn. The porn industry is hugely problematic and rife with the abuse of women. The workout videos have women in them who are empowered and making money. It's a video with a scantily clad woman. Of course men find it exciting. They aren't objectifying them they're attracted to them.

MyNewLife2025 · 21/01/2025 11:55

Women who put videos online - know perfectly well that anyone can use them for any purposes. There is a reason women are not dressed in shapeless sweats - while they exercise, dance and flash.

So you think that the woman posting ‘Yoga with Adrienne’ is doing so to attract male attention? Did I get that right?!?
🤢🤢

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 12:02

Icanttakethisanymore · 21/01/2025 11:24

My fundamental objection to your comment is that I don't consider it my job to satisfy my partner; sex is a mutual act for the benefit of both of us. I'm fine with my partner masturbating if he has a 'need', so we'll have to agree to disagree.

Show quote history

Agreed. We do disagree and that’s fine.

TipsyJoker · 21/01/2025 12:03

xRobin · 21/01/2025 11:31

So, do you believe, once in a relationship, masturbation should stop?

Show quote history

No. I send pics, etc to my husband for him. I have no objection to that. I believe we save ourselves for each other as does my husband. We love and respect each other and this is one way we uphold that.

Alabas · 21/01/2025 12:08

OP, what would you prefer him to masturbate to? Something more fit for purpose where the people involved expected their videos to be used in this way, and may be in some way remunerated for their efforts? Like Only Fans, or a paid video etc?

Sashya · 21/01/2025 13:16

@YourRealOP
"I’m literally not asking for him to find only me sexy" - so you would prefer he imagined other women in his head while masturbating?
And - if he told you that he wanked off imagining "hot waitress" from across the street... you'd be perfectly OK with that instead?

You are being both naïve and not really honest with yourself.

Yes - of course, most social media posts are sexualised. And men perceive women as sexual objects. As do women perceive men as sexual objects.
Or, rather - sexual beings...

People imagine all kinds in their heads while masturbating. I am sure Hollywood stars, or footballers (or whatever floats people boats) do not make movies, etc - to become actors in our masturbation fantasies. But they do.

There is a world of difference between wanking to an image (real or in your head) - and being sexist...

For all who say - masturbation is fine, as long as he only imagines sex with me... - as this is the only way to be in a monogamous relationship. I am happy we can't read other people's minds.... And you should never ask your partner, or hope he is a good actor.

Original poster
YourRealOP · 21/01/2025 15:01

Pelot · 21/01/2025 11:34

I'd be happier with this than porn. The porn industry is hugely problematic and rife with the abuse of women. The workout videos have women in them who are empowered and making money. It's a video with a scantily clad woman. Of course men find it exciting. They aren't objectifying them they're attracted to them.

I hear what you are saying but this was literally a virgin media fitness video. Clearly these aren’t women who do it to make money in that way. I’ve no doubt there are women who do that but this is a women with her mic on doing yoga, you know? It feels gross to me as it is no way content that is garnered to the male market in order for the women to earn money if that makes any sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
YourRealOP · 21/01/2025 15:09

Alabas · 21/01/2025 12:08

OP, what would you prefer him to masturbate to? Something more fit for purpose where the people involved expected their videos to be used in this way, and may be in some way remunerated for their efforts? Like Only Fans, or a paid video etc?

Yes!!! Honestly this doesn’t feel icky and in the same way objectifying women. Of course there is objectification with porn (I’m not saying there isnt) but I find the tossing one out in the living room to a woman who is doing yoga videos to help people with fitness totally gross 🤢 with OF porn etc the women are making that with a (mostly) male audience in mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourRealOP · 21/01/2025 15:16

Sashya · 21/01/2025 13:16

@YourRealOP
"I’m literally not asking for him to find only me sexy" - so you would prefer he imagined other women in his head while masturbating?
And - if he told you that he wanked off imagining "hot waitress" from across the street... you'd be perfectly OK with that instead?

You are being both naïve and not really honest with yourself.

Yes - of course, most social media posts are sexualised. And men perceive women as sexual objects. As do women perceive men as sexual objects.
Or, rather - sexual beings...

People imagine all kinds in their heads while masturbating. I am sure Hollywood stars, or footballers (or whatever floats people boats) do not make movies, etc - to become actors in our masturbation fantasies. But they do.

There is a world of difference between wanking to an image (real or in your head) - and being sexist...

For all who say - masturbation is fine, as long as he only imagines sex with me... - as this is the only way to be in a monogamous relationship. I am happy we can't read other people's minds.... And you should never ask your partner, or hope he is a good actor.

What? No where did I say I prefer him “imagined other women in his head while masturbating?” So I’m not sure why you’ve said that.

of course he will find other women sexy; fine no issue.

it wasn’t a social media post I don’t know how many times I need to clarify this point. It was a get fit yoga type video where the purpose is for people to follow not made with what my partner was using it for and it felt very icky to me.

OP posts:
Sashya · 21/01/2025 15:35

@YourRealOP - you never mentioned how your sex life is with your H. Is this a big deal because he is choosing masturbation over sex? Or is something else going on?

I can't figure out from your posts what you actually are saying. So you are OK with him masturbating to paid content - because women mean those videos to be used this way. You are OK with him finding other women attractive - but then the idea that he may imagine those "attractive" women while wanking seems wildly wrong to you? Or you have not connected the fact that if we find people sexually attractive - they may feature in our fantasies. Or maybe you realise that controlling fantasies is going too far?

Virgin exercise videos - is paid work. Women (and men) are paid to put on tight clothes and get in front of the camera. Just like actors/actresses who get on our screens. Or models who put on pretty clothes and get photographed.
People have used visual images from TV and print for wanking for longer than you have been alive. Social media is a fairly recent invention - and men wanked to pictures in Greek times...

So - either you are being pedantic - insisting - "but this is not social media", "but this is meant to be used for exercise"..... (and those long ago shots of Baywatch promotional videos were meant for promoting a TV series, yes...)
OR - you need an ammunition in some sort of power struggle with your H. One more thing to argue with him about - or make him grovel over.

Not a great dynamic. If you have an issue in your relationship - don't muddle it with a made up infraction. Deal with the actual issue.

Original poster
YourRealOP · 21/01/2025 15:56

Sashya · 21/01/2025 15:35

@YourRealOP - you never mentioned how your sex life is with your H. Is this a big deal because he is choosing masturbation over sex? Or is something else going on?

I can't figure out from your posts what you actually are saying. So you are OK with him masturbating to paid content - because women mean those videos to be used this way. You are OK with him finding other women attractive - but then the idea that he may imagine those "attractive" women while wanking seems wildly wrong to you? Or you have not connected the fact that if we find people sexually attractive - they may feature in our fantasies. Or maybe you realise that controlling fantasies is going too far?

Virgin exercise videos - is paid work. Women (and men) are paid to put on tight clothes and get in front of the camera. Just like actors/actresses who get on our screens. Or models who put on pretty clothes and get photographed.
People have used visual images from TV and print for wanking for longer than you have been alive. Social media is a fairly recent invention - and men wanked to pictures in Greek times...

So - either you are being pedantic - insisting - "but this is not social media", "but this is meant to be used for exercise"..... (and those long ago shots of Baywatch promotional videos were meant for promoting a TV series, yes...)
OR - you need an ammunition in some sort of power struggle with your H. One more thing to argue with him about - or make him grovel over.

Not a great dynamic. If you have an issue in your relationship - don't muddle it with a made up infraction. Deal with the actual issue.

Sex life is absolutely fine. Our relationship is great and like I said he is pretty much the perfect partner.

honestly I thank you for your comments because it’s making me see that I’m probably blowing it up to be something it isn’t. I just feel it’s done as a way to be degrading towards women. I don’t know why I feel that way I just do. Like I said I do appreciate your response because it’s helping me work through my own thoughts on this and making me recognise I need to step back and reflect here.

OP posts:
BlueisBeautiful · 21/01/2025 16:19

Everyone masturbates with, naturally, some exceptions. Even in a relationship. It's unrealistic to expect our significant other to constantly provide sexual gratification on tap. For both men and women. I'm a woman and sometimes I will fantasise about an attractive man I've seen out and about, someone on TV, a celebrity crush. Sometimes I hate to admit it but I have used porn. I don't anymore but before I hit middle age, my sex drive was terribly high and my now ex used to say I was more like a man than he was. Even when sex was a twice daily occurrence, I sometimes still masturbated.

I understand where you are coming from though. Men are... generally speaking... more visually stimulated than us women, but if my ex had been using exercise videos, I don't think it would have bothered me. If you hadn't "caught him in the act", then would you have even known? It sounds fairly harmless.

I hope I don't offend you but maybe get some yoga pants.... it might be the start of something!

Take care and I hope you sort it out. Work it out. Sorry for the joke. X

Original poster
YourRealOP · 21/01/2025 16:24

BlueisBeautiful · 21/01/2025 16:19

Everyone masturbates with, naturally, some exceptions. Even in a relationship. It's unrealistic to expect our significant other to constantly provide sexual gratification on tap. For both men and women. I'm a woman and sometimes I will fantasise about an attractive man I've seen out and about, someone on TV, a celebrity crush. Sometimes I hate to admit it but I have used porn. I don't anymore but before I hit middle age, my sex drive was terribly high and my now ex used to say I was more like a man than he was. Even when sex was a twice daily occurrence, I sometimes still masturbated.

I understand where you are coming from though. Men are... generally speaking... more visually stimulated than us women, but if my ex had been using exercise videos, I don't think it would have bothered me. If you hadn't "caught him in the act", then would you have even known? It sounds fairly harmless.

I hope I don't offend you but maybe get some yoga pants.... it might be the start of something!

Take care and I hope you sort it out. Work it out. Sorry for the joke. X

I found that funny. Thank you! I don't know why I have had such a visceral reaction to it. Maybe I am reading more into it than needs be? Maybe I have found out he seems to like looking at women's bums and it has made me feel uneasy. Maybe I have him on a pedastal and this has knocked me. I certainly dont feel jealous I feel more disgusted than anything but that is something I need to reflect on

OP posts:
gannett · 21/01/2025 17:33

It will never cease to amaze me that some people a) find the idea of their partner masturbating to be disgusting and degrading, and/or b) think they should be able to control what or who their partner masturbates to.

Catullus5 · 21/01/2025 17:44

BlueisBeautiful · 21/01/2025 16:19

Everyone masturbates with, naturally, some exceptions. Even in a relationship. It's unrealistic to expect our significant other to constantly provide sexual gratification on tap. For both men and women. I'm a woman and sometimes I will fantasise about an attractive man I've seen out and about, someone on TV, a celebrity crush. Sometimes I hate to admit it but I have used porn. I don't anymore but before I hit middle age, my sex drive was terribly high and my now ex used to say I was more like a man than he was. Even when sex was a twice daily occurrence, I sometimes still masturbated.

I understand where you are coming from though. Men are... generally speaking... more visually stimulated than us women, but if my ex had been using exercise videos, I don't think it would have bothered me. If you hadn't "caught him in the act", then would you have even known? It sounds fairly harmless.

I hope I don't offend you but maybe get some yoga pants.... it might be the start of something!

Take care and I hope you sort it out. Work it out. Sorry for the joke. X

Thank goodness. After some real rubbish said on this thread my heart was sinking, but then I read this excellent post. Well said. 👍

StripyShirt · 21/01/2025 17:45

Just be glad it wasn't One Man and his Dog 😃

I dislike the reduction of people to objects. I also find pictures of fit attractive people in revealing clothing pleasurable and sometimes exciting to look at. That's just how we are.

Sherararara · 21/01/2025 18:20

Tbh I’d find it odd and ask why is he wanking to yoga videos and could he not find any decent porn? Then I’d be thinking maybe I should get a yoga outfit.