Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

I would also like to point out that we can absolutely afford my daughter’s school. We are not scraping the barrel financially. Our bills are covered. We just can’t afford to do big holidays, trips out etc cause our money being redirected to our daughter school fees savings. And I believe that lack of affording quality time is having a impact when H works the hours he does and as hard as he does and has the weight of our finances solely on how shoulders

Apologies, I didn’t mean to sound snarky. The point was just that clearly the reason for OP not working isn’t that she was driven out by a horrible boss - that wouldn’t explain several years out of the market.

I say this with respect OP but you can't come on mumsnet and say your DH basically thew his toys out of rhe pram and was pretty nasty then defend him when anyone says he's a twat...

Of course we are going to say that....

Then your priorities are all wrong. You need to cut back on your outgoings and get a part time job. No wonder folk get into a mess when a childs dancing gets in the way of sensible financial decisions, Totally ridiculous. .

By the way OP, alongside my comments about being married to someone quite similar - my H suddenly decided it was a great idea to send our son at 12 to private school- and it caused similar issues because there suddenly wasn't the money for all the nice little trips and treats he enjoyed and gave him a lift. I had to pull the plug after 18 months because it was that or H would have been buried under the patio. With my H it kind of came on totally out of character too - it was if he suddenly felt on our income we should suddenly be that family that had 'all' the trappings of successful middle class lifestyle - but without any extra income suddenly or any inheritances/windfalls etc - I wonder if he's mixing at work with people who have all this but doesn't realise or doesn't want to consider they may have a totally different set of circumstances- well off parents/inheritances/partners that didn't give up work and are no longer paying childcare- I think you need to 'have it out' - it may cause ructions but sometimes you have to do that to get to a place of understanding. I wish I had been far more upfront instead of just 'wanting him to be happy' and going along with things to keep things happy at his end.

I was driven out by a horrible boss. I spent some time putting myself back together after breaking! Literally breaking.. months of therapy. Managing a heart arrhythmia that has come on due to the number of panic attacks I was having daily. When I felt more human again, we then decided to try for a second baby and it was pointless getting a job when I fell pregnant! So yeah…

I'm guessing there is another woman, or a potential candidate. Suddenly his wife is nothing but an obstacle to new relationship and whatever she does she is annoying him. He becomes cold and unavailable, extremely passive. He is feeling guilt so is looking for faults in you, you said the divorce and an affair already been mentioned. Be smart OP, listen to what he is telling you, it looks like he is not happy and ready for an out

My priorities aren’t wrong. see my comment above. My priority is the happiness of my children.

His mantrum was a crappy way to deal with his disappointment, but you two have bigger problems.

Your biggest issue is finances. You and your husband are arguing over money. Financial issues are one of the most common reasons for a marriage breakup and it looks like you are heading in that direction.

He's out there working while he's also having to forego things like a nice vacation for a milestone birthday. He feels resentful that he's going through austerity while funding his family. He told you flat out he feels like a wallet. His feelings may or may not be reasonable, he may be nasty about it, but he's laying it out there plain for you to see. Resentment is also another marriage killer.

It looks like you two are going to have to overhaul your financial plans and budget. You're going to have to look at every single outgoing and see if it's making your current lives better or deepening the financial stress. What are your financial goals, what are his, and are they reasonable and attainable. It sounds like private school is just not a viable plan at this time.

Why can't he parent and take his child to class on the weekend while you work? Even if you break even, you're building up work history.

He's admitted he doesn't want to be married to you, that he thinks your birthday surprise is shit and that you are a leech.

He's revolting.

Poems and flowers don't make up for being abusive.

Depression would be an explanation, not an excuse.

Start looking after yourself. He does NOT control you.

I don’t think you can. It’s not just the cost of the school itself - it’s the uniform (which is most likely more expensive that state school), the school trips, the social circles you’ll end up with - birthdays etc etc. It’s never ending. And unless you can do the same for your second dd you’ll end up in such a mess as they get older, there will be resentment.

I really don’t mean to sound mean but as someone who had a scholarship to go to an independent school and was right at the bottom of the income bracket it really made life difficult. I would never send my dc to private unless I had so much disposable income it wasn’t even an issue - almost like throw away change.

Your dh reacted very badly about his birthday. He doesn’t sound depressed, just spoilt.

Did you have holidays and trips out with your oldest daughter before your second was born?

Will you be able to afford competitive dancing for your second child too or an expensive extra curricular activity?

What happens if your youngest needs to go to a specialist school?

@Freckles10 I defend my H too by the way as he has many nice characteristics- that does not excuse him reacting as he did on your original post regardless of whether all financial stuff is on his shoulders- nor does it excuse him not being prepared to step up if you get a job - my first (and ex ) husband ( note the ex) made a huge hoo ha about me working 2 days a week and it all being on his shoulders- I went back full time -then he made a fuss about it interfering with him being able to go to football matches ( as I did shifts as a nurse) or meeting mates at the pub a few nights a week - basically me working but not working full time didn't suit, but me working full time didn't suit either- basically family life didn't suit!!!

This.

My sister also got into a private school with a scholarship- she was incredibly bright at a young age.

My parents couldn't keep up with the friends she made and trips/activities they planned. It was pretty awful and my sister ended up getting left out. A lot...

They moved her out after a year.

Noone is saying you can't afford it but I would definitely make sure you can afford ALL of it and for your other child too.

If that means your DH has to work more hours it sounds like that will make things worse.

He's picked up where your bullying, narcissistic boss left off. He's playing a fine game of push me-pull you and making you miserable.

You're getting good advice on this thread, I'm just posting in support of you and to validate your feelings that this is wrong. Because it is.

Hmm OP. I'd get a job and make a plan to get out.

You were asked:

What about weekend working, is that an option?

No as he would need to look after the girls and my eldest does competitive dancing so I need to be around to take her to that.

So why can't he look after the dc? And take them to dancing?

The more you say about him, the more useless and selfish he sounds.

He doesn't sound like a good man.

And it doesn't sound like you can afford private school! And what will you do about dd2??

Can you afford the fees out of his earnings each month or are you reliant on these current savings to top up to be able to afford them?

If the former, and you get 30h free in September plus no wraparound care costs or practicalities to think of then, would a compromise be to abandon the current savings, go back to living life now on the agreement that you will, no matter what, go back to work in September, in whatever job you can find? This will then give you the ongoing ability to continue to afford a good quality of life.

As an aside, if you get 30h free your husband must earn under 100k. As a single earner, he’s taking home a maximum of around £5500 (that’s if he is literally just under the 100k). I wouldn’t say that really equates to you being able to ‘absolutely afford’ private school, where he’s paying 40% tax and even ‘cheap’ private school fees in the north will set you back at least £18k a year, and more like £30k in the south.

I would still say you can ‘just about’ afford the fees. It’s definitely not going to be comfortable on his salary alone. I think you need to be realistic - you probably can’t afford really private school without you also working. So if the school is a definite, you need to change your own mindset and make an absolute commitment to get back to work to make it affordable for the family.

Ah here we have the usual nasty piling on a SAHM here on NM's.

Two adults decided to have children knowing that the cost of childcare would be a huge barrier so a mutual decision was made to save them the cost at the expense of the one of their careers,impacting their earning potential and pension plan.

Taking care of young children is a thankless task and trying to keep the home to a showhome standard is impossible.

We have a miserable,bitter,selfish and ungrateful man who's also being an emotionally abusive bully having a midlife crisis.

OP is trying to find a part time job but believe me if your a mum who's been out of work for a while and can only work limited hours then the job market is an absolute brutal place at the moment;I work school hours in a kitchen;it's minimum wage and crap work.

Even if OP lands a part time job it's unlikely her DH will do his far share at home to account for the additional hours she's out of the house.Also the fact it has to be school hours would also suggest then DH isn't willing to do his fair share of childcare either meaning OP could potentially look for evening&weekend jobs.

The OP has worked hard within her means to do something for her DH's birthday and he's thrown it back in her face.

His behaviour has a slight whiff of someone who's had his head turned and OP is being compared unfavourably to them;it seems like the beginning of the script.

If the hotel is paid for and OP has childcare then she should go away by herself if he won't go;he could stay home and be a miserable bastard whilst she has a break from the house and kids.

He sounds like a complete cunt.

I thought that from your first post, and increasingly so as I've gone along.

You sound so caring and like such a people pleaser that you can't see it.

His expectations of you? Why don't you raise your expectations of him.

You want to make him happy? How hard is he trying to make you happy?

@Freckles10 please have a good chat - my own view on private school these days is you need to be at the income level where it's not really affecting any other aspects of life you had pre private school being in the mix - unless you are the kind of people totally prepared to sacrifice many other aspects of life- on reflection my H simply wasn't prepared to do that so it just became an added burden but from the same income

Why can’t DH take DD to her dance class? Then you work weekends and/or evenings.

What is the point of sending her to private school when you can’t even afford a weekend in Amsterdam?

If you can afford it then what is the point of this thread. You can manage to pay the fees that doesn’t mean you can afford it

both myself and my husband went to Private School him on a music acholarship me my parents getting the money together

neither of our children go (by choice)

It's not piling on SAHMs.

This family can't have a dual income lifestyle while being a single income family.

Something has to give there.

What’s your industry? You might be surprised how much more flexibility there is since you were last in work. I and a few colleagues I know just apply for full time roles and ask for school hours. Hasn’t really been an issue.

Of course the work thing is a bit of a distraction from your actual post content. He sounds like a dickhead. If he wanted a holiday abroad, he should have booked a holiday abroad. I feel like he’s been determined to be miserable and blame you for it no matter what. If you’d booked something fancy no doubt he’d have kicked off too.