Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

Why do you think you can help him - with all due respect you are too close to be of any real use to him and besides which he does not want your help and or support. Changing even one aspect of your behaviour is hard enough to do, asking or wanting someone else to change theirs is an exercise in futility.

This is who he is and likely who he has always been too. He's a miserable fun sponge who is quite happy to drag you all down with him into his pit. It is he who controls the moods of this household.

You are trying to have a lifestyle you cannot afford. It is as simple as that. Your sacrifice for your daughters education whilst admirable is foolish and not thought through (and trust me being the poor one at private school is not a great place to be)

he has a lot of wants but no clear way of getting there

you both need to be open honest and fairly brutal about where you are financially - and you need to put forward your thoughts and feelings

You absolutely cannot afford private school if you are this worried about money as a family. It’s an absolute no no.

Tell him he said you couldn't afford Iceland etc and buck up and get on with what's planned. You have made an effort to do nice things with him and his friends and he's an ingrate not to say thank you. And if he won't go, you go with his friends and have a good time. Let him sulk at home.

OP, please think about a state school for your eldest. It seems things are very unstable with your marriage and there are some red flags here for either mental health and/or emotional abuse for your husband. I don’t think you neeed the added stress of finding several extra grand a term. I suspect he will also use this as a stick to beat you with.

I would also be seriously looking at some entry level jobs where there is flexi time eg civil service so you have some money to call your own and build up a little fund in case you need it if things go further downhill. Something bad may be brewing here so I would try and build up some independence just in case.

Being a SAHM doesn’t work if your partner isn’t fully supportive and giving you full access to the money.

Go away. You've spent the money. If he cannot accept what you have given him then he is ungrateful. And jobs that fit nursery hours do not grow on trees, point out to him.

Unless the dawning reality of this choice is what’s causing these moods, that the OP maintains are completely outside of his normal character. The big and obvious lifestyle change is due to private school fees using up all of their disposable income.

Things often seem like a great idea until reality bites. Clearly he wanted to (wants to) send her. They’ve made plans to send her. What if it is now dawning on him that they can’t afford to. He’s letting them all down. The child who’s looking forward to her new school. The wife who he promised this lovely school for their child to. But he also has had a taste of life with school fees, and for them it means no big birthday celebrations, no holidays, no spontaneous couple trips abroad - and he realises this is a mistake and he doesn’t want to work all the hours he does with nothing fun to show for it.

If OP is being honest and this is completely out of character for him, he’s not a complete monster, and this is a shift in his behaviour, it is madness to not reconsider the decision which has negatively impacted their finances so much.

He probably feels like he can’t back out now. But also realises they’ve made a big mistake.

When you say “a few years”, just FYI for most people this would be a few months.

Can't you do nightshift hours? There are WFH call centre jobs that have remote nightshifts. Or Supermarkets.

Husband is still an ass but you need to start working ASAP. Regardless of the unrealistic plan to send one child to private school when you really can't afford it, you need financial independence yourself.

@Adamante you are so right! It's soo hard even in 2025!
Women are damned if they do or don't and their load is invisible so men act like it doesn't count when in reality its everything.
You need a full on chat as he seems stressed and is taking it out on you!
He might be midlife crisis on the cards too.
Listen to song words to "Same as It Ever was" xxx

He sounds awful. What a cheek to say your not meeting his expectations around the home. Then sulk about a holiday he can't afford and belittle all the effort you put in to arrange something. Maybe he's feeling insecure that he isn't meeting his own expectations in providing for his family. Sounds like you want to go about it the kind way but I'd be tempted next time he complains about expectations not being met at home to say he isn't meeting expectations in financing the lifestyle his family deserves. Harsh but no different to telling a stay at home parent that they aren't meeting expectations in their role.

I'd go and he could look after the kids if he doesn't want to bother.

I woukd tell him you will cancel but you won't be making excuses to your friends and family - you will simply tell them he doesn't fancy it and let them come to their own conclusions.
I would then try and find a job although l can see you already are.
Stop trying to make him happy - you are flogging a dead horse.
He sounds like a spoilt ungrateful brat and l would be hurt too.

My ex was like this. He didn't want the responsibility of a family or the financial hardship it can bring. He blamed me for his lack of success in his career because I married him at all. We eventually divorced after I walked out, fed up. Children were 12 and 15 at the time.

Bit snarky.

Actually yeah do this!

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head completely!!!

but he will never ever back track on his decision for our daughters school.. where the friction lies is that he is now expecting me to pick up the short fall ie, her fees. Because he works all the hours to make money for the both us, it’s my turn to pick up some of the slack.

but he is going about that in the wrong way by causing these arguments and saying these hurtful things. And that’s causing the friction..

i 100% stand by my comment about this being out of character. At Christmas he wrote me a stunning poem. He buys me flowers. He treats me. He tells me how beautiful I am. He is my biggest cheerleader when I accomplish something. He really isn’t the horrible person people are making him out to be and I understand why everyone is coming to that conclusion. What he has done in cancelling his birthday is selfish. It is childish. But it’s the act of someone who I believe to be not in their right mind, stressed and unhappy. And as his wife I need to support him and not bash him.

he knows how cross and disappointed I am. He has acknowledged he has been selfish and ungrateful. I now need to work out how we get past this and try and fix us cause neither of us want to seperate.

I've not read all the messages but

1. he's an ungrateful bastard
2. he ought to be ashamed of himself
3. give him a day to apologise and explain before you cancel everything and tell everyone exactly why - do not cover for him! If you will lose money on the hotel maybe keep the booking for yourself!?!

I would be overjoyed if someone arranged a weekend away for me, even if it wasn't fancy. Especially if they didn't have much money to spend.

I'm not quite sure where guys get their financial expectations from but it seems to have passed them by that you are responsible for the small people they helped create and your career and job prospects are suffering accordingly. I'd suggest a full review of the finances/household stuff when you are both calm. If you go back to work there will be extra childcare cost and you will possibly need a cleaner, a nanny or a childminder. Or extra hours at nursery/wraparound care. How many school runs can he do? If you are both working it's only fair to split all tasks 50/50 etc etc.

One thing that you may not know is that you won’t need to pay for wraparound care in a private school, if that would help you at all?

Yes, you are absolutely right. Thank you. My post was written on impulse influenced by my views on private education (which are not relevant to OP and her situation).

Do you enjoy the activities? I say if you do, then fuck him off and go yourself. If you want to be nice about it, say you’re going anyway and he is welcome to join you. I can’t say I’d be inclined to be nice about it tho.

Yes I am counting on that big style!!

I generally agree with your sentiment but why it it assumed that “your career and job prospects are suffering” upon having children?? This certainly wasn’t the case for me, but I wouldn’t have children with any man who wasn’t willing to provide for and care for them equally.

"I don’t have a shadow of a doubt that he is a wonderful human being. A wonderful husband"

I can't believe you can think that about someone that you have described as being a really nasty man. You may think it's easier to deal with him if you can blame his behaviour on stress or depression but you say this has been going on a while and that it's you who has to apologise and smooth things over.
The things you've said he has said and done are very nasty. He intentionally trying to hurt you.

He treats you as thought you aren't important because he is the one working but you give the impression that you don't think you are important either.
Do you kids ever get to see his behaviour?

I'd seriously consider leaving him.

He sounds like a bit of a twat to me.