Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

OP I hate to say this but you need to get your ducks in a row .... this seems like a bigger problem than just his 40th birthday weekend.

Also, in the nicest possible way, there is no perfect job to fit around 15 hours nursery.
You will always have sick days and inset days etc... however, childcare costs should be shared between the both of you. If you are waiting for something to "fit around the kids" you'll be waiting a long time.

Given his recent behaviour, I think now more than ever is the best time to get yourself in better position financially.

I would say, or probably write ..

I'm sorry what I've planned doesn't meet your expectations. In reality we can't afford what you desire right now. I'm going anyway, the kids are being looked after and I'm not cancelling on your friends, Bill and Barb. I thought we all meant more to you than a fancy holiday. You are turning 40, not 18!
I've put in for some jobs and things could be different in a couple of years.
You can stay here, being childish or you can come along.
Decide before I get back from dropping off the kids.

I also just wanted to check that you were aware that if your partner earns more than £100k a year you won’t be getting 30hours childcare. (Just with you saying he has a very good job and you pay for private school it didn’t seem likely he’d be under this)

Also not understanding why he can't take his dd to dance class on a weekend. Is he incapable of doing that with a toddler in tow? That's firstly simply embarrassing. And secondly, not the actions of a 'marvellous human being.'

Your husband is an ungrateful little boy. Sulking at his age is really off putting.

Fine, he can stay at home and celebrate how he he pleases, why you join your friends and enjoy yourself.

He just got messed up in the head saving for all this glamourous dance school, comparing himself to millionaire lifestyles but ignoring the dear ones of his life; what a boring old loser

Have you made it clear that you'll be working so he'll have to do his fair share of pickups, dropoffs, emergency days at home when kids ill etc? Go on the trip without him.

Personally for my own peace of mind I would get an evening job and leave the childcare to him.

You say he’s not materialistic but it sounds it, I am assuming lots of your friends have had nice trips away for their birthdays but what you have planned sounds lovely when you couldn’t really afford anything. You’ve gone to a lot of effort to generate extra income to make his birthday special and he has completely snubbed it. I would be furious, it is so disrespectful and sulky of him. Does it really matter other than in a keep No up with the Jones’ way? I know people who went to The Maldives for their 40th, I had a night in Blackpool 😂

I can understand him feeling pressure being the only one working especially throwing private school fees in to the mix. I work hard and sometimes think I should have more money to enjoy life as others seem to, so I truly understand that sentiment. But you getting a job won’t magically solve anything for all the reasons others have said - childcare fees, the pressure of fitting work around raising children (and vice versa) and that pressure will more than likely fall squarely on you unless he is going to help juggle.

It's really sad OP that your husband is bullying you, being really quite mean to you, and you're running round in circles wondering what more you can do to make him happy, instead of clearly telling him that you will not accept his horrible behaviour.

He literally told you that he doesn't want to stay married to you and is only with you because he is trapped because of the kids. Where is your self respect? Why are you staying in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in it? Do you think it's good for your kids to be with someone who regularly tells their mother one thing (we can't afford a trip abroad) and then berates her for not doing the opposite (not booking a trip abroad)?

Even if you weren't limited by finances, the weekend you planned (hotel, best friends, activities that you know he enjoys doing, some babysitters for the entire time) sounds lovely, and he is being childish and nasty shitting all over it and losing you money.

I'd be sitting him down and saying you're really hurt that he is having a go at you for not booking something that he told you that you couldn't afford. You've gone to a lot of effort and he is being nasty about it. If he doesn't want to go he can call his friends and explain that he thinks a weekend with them sounds shit. He can call your parents and explain why he is rejecting your gift.

There are clearly wider things going on though. I think if things carry on you will have to leave. You can't stay with someone for ever who makes it clear he doesn't want to stay with you. In your shoes I would be trying to kick start my career. Even if you lose some money for a little while, or just break even, it's worth it over time to get back into the work force. He says one thing (that you don't need to work) but the barbed comments and his behaviour say another. Tell him what chores and childcare etc you'll be dropping to facilitate this. And if this doesn't make him happier, then there is nothing else for it, you'll have to leave because his miseravke and blaming behaviour is going to ruin your marriage

Step back and talk about the school decision. It's a huge expense and likely unnecessary at primary. As for 'wait and see' for child 2, way to make them feel lesser when you can't afford it.

Happy kids need happy parents. They'll be picking up on the atmosphere.

Either your H is a twat, or he's a decent guy suffering with the pressure to earn. I can't decide based on what you've posted.

Sack the saving for school, it's a waste of extra life stress. Get a job and leave him with the kids occasionally.

Have you tried mowing lawns and trimming gardens?
Ironing?
Cleaning houses, for normal homes and for builders?
Sewing other kids' dance costumes?
School teacher aide or nursery aide?
Making cup cakes?

I'm thinking of things that are done at times that suit you.

Tbh tell him to piss off.
Adults do not "need" big birthdays.
What you planned would be more than enough for anyone sane with your budget.

Sorry op but I think your DH has behaved appallingly! Firstly he's sulking and acting like a toddler. Secondly how does he think you'll magically be able to afford a holiday costing thousands by selling some stuff on eBay! He sounds slightly deluded.

Also sounds like he's pissed off and comparing himself to others (comparison is the thief of joy and all that). Then throwing a tantrum because he doesn't got a weekend in Iceland.

Your break sounds like a wonderful idea.

Moving forward I'd start to look for a job, not so little Jonny can have more trips, but to ensure your financial stability when you realise you've married a man child.

Secondly take him at his word and do nothing for his birthday.

Thirdly I'd expect an apology from him around his behaviour:

Let your dc go to their grandparents if they are looking forward to it and arrange to meet friends for yourself and make the most of your child free weekend. If he holds it over your head tell him you are giving him exactly what he wants and that when you've got a job he'll be responsible for a high % of the childcare costs to enable you to work.

Sorry, to add that no matter what he feels about your family financial situation right now, that is totally unacceptable and he has no regard to your feelings at all.

I would call his bluff and pretend to have been offered a full time in person job - and then ask him to put a flexible working request in!

What a prat. OPs job is a red herring those children need to be looked after either by op or him or the family pot paying for childcare. Either way it has to be paid.

I think the advice to do low paid drudge jobs is terrible. If you were skilled at something before kids you would be far better off retraining/refreshing what you did before and earning decent money. When the younger one is at school you can get back to that and get things on a more even keel.

The hey hold grudges and their relationship is already hard.

What have your relatives seen in him that your eyes are closed to?

OP - working women on mumsnet have nothing but contempt for women who don't do paid work.

Any amount of petulant emotional abuse from your husband will be seen as reasonable in this context.

Outside of this context it will be 'leave the bastard'.

this is silly short-term thinking.
Firstly because at some point it becomes much much better in terms of paying for childcare, and by then you have length of service and experience under your belt. That is worth a bit of short-term pain.

The other thing is that if he (or you) decide that his mid-life crisis ends your marriage, you are in a much much better position and could probably go to full-time without many issues, rather than scrabbling around trying to find a job, any job.

But you need to talk to him about how difficult it was for you to arrange the weekend and how difficult it is going to be to cancel it and he should have a think about all the effort you have made for him to throw it in your face. And if that makes him happy.

Start planning your exit strategy. You might not need it, but if you build up a financial buffer that is always a good thing.

He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry!

He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head

our biggest outgoings our daughters activities and her education vs He’s said that I’m happy to spend his money on myself but not on him

He says he would never do that because of our girls. That he is “trapped” and “stuck”.

his response to things are always very extreme

nothing I do seems to make him happy

You say all this and yet you also say

I don't think he is abusive at all

I don't think you are recognising abusive behaviour when you see it. All of the above is abusive.

Please stop talking bullshit about 'working mothers'. I fully respect at-home mothers and am perfectly capable of seeing that her husband is treating her with gross disrespect.

Dance school and private school do not make up for a angry, hostile father.

Yes we did. Yes we will and if she does we will make it work. Downsize our house, sell everything we own, sell our cars, work whatever we need to work to make the money because you do that so your kids are happy.

everything we do is so that our children are happy. Even if we sacrifice our own happiness.

One thing that struck me reading your initial post is how your husband’s gripes, needs, complaints, interests etc etc seem to dominate your thinking. Whatever he’s trying to communicate to you about the strengths and weaknesses of weaknesses of your relationship, appear very one sided and loaded with petty criticisms. There’s a saying ‘a problem solved by money isn’t a problem’, I know it sounds glib, but there’s some truth in it. Are all your issues about money? Are they about other things as well? If say 50% of your present estrangements are about money, then collectively figure out how things could be improved. Then you need to address the problems which aren’t about money but are about respect, kindness and thoughtfulness. If money and the lack, didn’t feature in your relationship (and let’s face it an awful lot of people are struggling financially, but still work together to make the best of things) would that fix things, or do you still need to address how your husband behaves? I’m sorry to say but he doesnt sound a very cheerful or thoughtful man. He comes across as rather self obsessed. Don’t lose yourself trying to please someone else.