Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

One thing stands out - you need to position this with your family because they already don't have a positive relationship with him.

Why is that?

The more you post about this man, the more sulky and emotionally immature he sounds. Are your family picking up on that? Why do you feel the need to try and manage his 'reputation' with them?

@Freckles10 if he is the only earner then he knows how much money is coming into and going out of the house. how did he expect you to pay for a foreign holiday??? no idea how much he earns but surely there will only be mortgage, car, and the usual going out unless he has been overspending when he thinks he deserves a treat for himself???

Whats about part time 9-5 office job? 3 days a week perhaps. You are still eligible for 15 hrs for your youngest one. Its not like they would have to be in care from 8 to 6pm 5 days a week. I am sure even if you pay for child care for those 3 days you are still left with so money

To me it sounds like he is depressed. I would suggest to him he needs to go to the gp or you both need to go to counselling together. It’s not really normal behaviour to completely cancel a holiday, especially when other people are invited.
i really don’t think it’s you, it’s him. And I don’t think this is about extravagant holidays either. I bet he wouldn’t be happy regardless of what was booked.

I would keep the bills on his salary, take the min wage job and save it all. You cannot imagine how much you save a year !!!

I'm only slightly older than your "hubby", but
I would become fed up of him very quickly.
Get back to work and think about whether you would be better off living without him.

Well in order to afford the lifestyle he wants, your household needs to bring more money in or cut back on other outgoings.

Just want to say that he definitely is not having an affair! My husband is a social hermit. He only leaves the house to go to the gym and go to London for work. He is very rarely in his phone, he only plays games or watches YouTube on his iPad. There is no way he would want the hassle and stress of an affair. It’s just not his thing.

@Freckles10 what your mum and sister think of him generally?

I think you need to look hard at the private school decision.

If your DC are have to live in an unhappy home to be able to afford it, what's the point?

If your marriage carries on like this it'll end up in divorce and with two houses to support, you'll need to pull your DC out of private education anyway.

I have no issue with private schooling, but this decision seems to be ruining your marriage 🤷‍♀️

My husband is very introverted. He struggles massively with social situations. He isn’t a drinker, he doesn’t enjoy sports and he doesn’t like going to busy loud places like the pub.

my family are the absolute opposite - they are social butterflies and really struggle to understand him. My sister is of the opinion of “if I’m happy, she’s happy” but I always feel like my parents judge him because he isn’t want they expect or want him to be based on their own standards. Does that make sense?

As someone who is a really huge fan of private education, even I am wondering if this is the right decision for your family. I could sit and talk for hours about how great my daughter’s school is, but if her going was at the expense of a previously happy marriage and lovely shared experiences such as holidays, I would have a fast re think. Only you know if your marriage was happy prior to this added financial pressure, but it’s something I’d want to consider if I were you.

Was the idea about sending the eldest to private school his?.

And what will happen with your youngest when she turns six; will she also be going to private school?.

Am not at all surprised to read your H does not have any friends; there's good reason why that is the case. He's a fun sponge who is happy to drag you down with him.

Whose decision was this

Private schools have many advantages they also have one glaring disadvantage - the cost. And it looks as if you cannot afford it

Year 6 - the oldest is going in year 7 not at age 6. So they won’t have 2 in private school at the same time.

I've already mentioned OP I'm married to someone who reacts like this-

It doesn't get better in my experience. I would never have said my H was materialistic but gradually it crept up at around 40 ish. It wasn't so much as in 'stuff' it was more where we lived, holidays etc. suddenly needed a main holiday, a spring and autumn mini break plus going away at new year always- he once wrote stuff I found about 'being trapped' - I didn't find it till many years later in a note book- if I had found it at the time I would have been getting my ducks in a row as they say on here and making plans to separate- I don't want to live with someone who feels 'trapped' - thing is many years down the line I don't think he feels that way anymore , but to some extent I do - by circumstances . I think he's being an arse but I do think you need a deep chat about work , money , commitments etc

Yes it was his idea. I would have been happy without her going but I am also happy she is.

we will cross the youngest’s bridge when we come to it. We have sent our eldest because she will do brilliantly well at that school. It might not be the case for our youngest. We will chose the school that is the best fit for her.

Without being a fun sponge, the worst thing you can do for her is send her to a fantastic school, if she won’t be able to stay there if your marriage falls apart and you have to run 2 homes. My biggest fear (when affordability was tighter for us) was having to pull the children out of schools they loved and were settled in. The more she is thriving there, the bigger the subconscious pressure will be.

I truly do not feel this is him. Something is altering his way of thinking and he is struggling in his own head. I would leave him tomorrow if I thought this was going to be how the rest of my life is.

he is hurting/struggling/unhappy and it’s killing me not knowing why or how I can help him

Thought it was his idea in the main rather than your own.

And to say to you that he's trapped, well he is not really and that is a low blow to tell you. He's staying for the supposed sake of his children, well that statement does not stack up when looked at more closely. He's staying because it's easier for him to do so and he has you in addition to boss about and otherwise treat you as he sees fit i.e with disdain.

Your children are learning about relationships from you two; what do you think they are learning here?.

And why are you sending your children to private school???????

So you are used to being accused and thennhaving to do a grovelling apology.
The fact that you have this dynamic in your marriage is the problem.
You do realise, don't you, that if you'd somehow managed to organise a surprise trip to Iceland he'd be bitching aboutbthat, too? He wants to have a go at you, and have you distraught and betting for his favour.

I worry about this too, the behaviour is really unfair and unkind. i wonder if it has been a feature of his character- at least the needing a “grovelling apology”- for longer than the recent past? Is this side of him showing up more frequently than maybe it used to, or in a more destructive way?

Whatever, saying you can’t afford something and then blaming you for not buying it (and throwing the thoughtful gift you’ve scraped the money together for back in your face) crossed a line from possibly depressed to definitely arsehole territory. If the hotel can’t be cancelled could you sell it to someone else? And then you and he need a serious conversation about respect and also by the sounds of it about money, the realities of you working, and your lifestyle generally. He can’t treat you like this, it’s not on.

I knew this would be the first reply. I wonder how her "frustrated" husband will be when she's back at work and he he has to factor in drop offs, pick ups, cost of wraparound care, taking a fair share of time off for sick days, school holidays, inset/poling days. If he'll be sharing the house stuff?

Obviously I'm just speculating at Yes loads of families have 2 working parents but they're often as stretched, frustrated and stressed out if not more sometimes.

@Freckles10 I think your husband needs to work out the route cause of why he's unhappy before you start scrabbling around trying to "fix" things. Because if he's deeply unhappy within himself then he'll still be unhappy, angry and critical even if you land a 40 hour a week job earning double his salary so you can take him away.

Oh and also, loads of people would be absolutely buzzing with what you'd planned for his birthday. What an ungrateful sod.

I think you are missing the point here. The OP and her hubby have planned their finances and made their choices for the best of their kids.
The point is npt why the ymade their choices, the point is why her husband treats her like this.