Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

So first your husband says he feels like a 'wallet' and now he's saying it's not the financial stuff...so WTF is it then?

When I turned 40 I'd been with my husband 15 years. He couldn't even be bothered to take the day off work. We did fuck all together, in fact the only thing I got on the day was a work colleague taking pity on me and taking me out to a chinese buffet for lunch. That was it...no card, no gift. I bought myself a pair of earrings out of my own pay.

My husband was an ex-husband by my 41st birthday. His behaviour around my 40th was just one of the last straws. He was a sulker, too.

And you’re just being unkind!!!

People focusing on a private school, but I think the glaring problem here looks like the husband is done with the marriage. OP if he is cold and uncaring towards you, looking for an argument,mentioning divorce how does this not set off alarm bells in your head

But what is it OP - you came here started a dialogue and have now changed it halfway through

I told it as I saw it from my perspective of what you have done on this thread - being kind isn’t always telling people what they want to hear but the blunt truth

Thank you for asking….

it seems it’s back to our usual monthly argument of what I contribute towards the house. He doesn’t believe I do enough so he spends all his spare time picking up the slack of what I don’t do and therefore he cannot get a second job/extra work to pay for us to do nice things/go on nice holidays.

this is an argument that literally happens every month and his expectations of me get higher and higher. We are supposed to live in a show home apparently. And that’s not realistic.

OP I totally get what your saying. I respect it and the love that you both have for your children and your want for the best of them at the sacrifice to yourselves is honourable. But....there is a different reality to this than what you're talking about. Your DH is already struggling with the thought of not having some of the luxuries and this won't stop. You would have to both be completely on board with the sacrifice, the downsizing etc etc and my gut instinct is that it won't provide a happy family environment long term. We now have two late teenage children and in all honesty, everything gets more expensive. The sacrifice gets more. And you start to see other things that the children want and need. Your managing as is but as other's have mentioned, you have a second child's potential school fees and activities that will add to this which then becomes uni fees and cars etc. So any income that you may then bring in will get taken up with that. Maybe you push yourself for a family holiday that you haven't had in ages, but you're struggling more financially or going in to debt because of it so you're getting at each other and it's causing a divide. Don't underestimate how much money can tear even the best of marriages apart.
What you're trying to achieve is wonderful on paper but please think about the long term impact of that. I'm sure you're two lovely children would prefer a relaxed home life where mummy and daddy aren't stressed and arguing because of the pressure they are under.
My DD best friend goes to private school and my DD an outstanding state school (high school). They both went to the same outstanding state primary. In all honesty, I have mixed feelings on whether if I could go back in time I would want to do it for my children. I hear a huge amount of stories from there school and the environment and there's a lot that has really surprised me.
It does sound as though the private schools could be the big issue here long term for both DC. Could you maybe consider state primary and private secondary when it really matters?

This will be very temporary. Schools are doing this out of desperation and to sort of phase it in, stop people leaving en masse.

It will catch up very quickly, with the fee increases that follow. It’s a mess quite frankly (the VAT situation, not your situation!).

I think you are confused OP - and your H has caused this by giving off mixed messages- says you can't afford something and then somehow expects you have magiced up a few grand mini break for the family and not just any mini break but one he would pick himself - tells you he feels trapped or 'a wallet' - wants you working but doesn't want it affecting him in any way - then doesn't want you working and says it's no big deal - no wonder you are confused. Whatever the reasons he's using you as a whipping post for all his frustrations- and added to that he's an ungrateful sod too -

I'm not judging you on your choices at all but if you have to sell clothes on a second hand site and borrow money from your mum to afford a weekend hotel break in my opinion you cannot afford to send your child to a private school. I know you said your saving for the fees but what about the other costs? Trips away, designer clothes for teens etc...

Putting yourself under that sort of financial pressure so your daughter can attend a certain school is just crazy. Financial pressures will breathe further unhappiness in your relationship. But at the end of the day it's your choice.

Children don't want parents who are at each other all the time. They just want to live in a happy home. Also your happiness is important. Your kids will pick up on your unhappiness eventually. You deserve to be happy too. Life is short and we only get one go at it.

A... what? A second job? He wants to get a second job....?

I... yeah I'm confused with this post now. I really don't think your husband working 2 jobs to have holidays and send your children to private school is going to make you happy.

He will end up burnt out and miserable. Your children will feel that.

No one is being kind OP. The thing with mumsnet and forums in general is you are often told blunt truth/opinions and a lot of the time it's not what we want to hear... but a lot of the time it's what we need to hear

Ok @Freckles10 i apologise now for some more blunt truth but this sounds awful. You are hanging your happiness on his and sacrificing everything for your daughter to get to one private school.

you really do need to rethink this because this has disaster written all over it with the private school of he is talking second jobs etc and any relationship breakdown could force a school move anyway

my advice is stop being an ostrich you are burying your head in the sand and take it from there.

I really hope he’s not picking fights with a view to blaming your “behaviour” if you end up separating. His reaction to your kind efforts to give him a fun 40th was deplorable. He seems to be intent on making you the bad guy.

everything we do is so that our children are happy. Even if we sacrifice our own happiness.

Do you think your children will be happy if mummy and daddy are miserable and arguing? Do you think they won’t notice?

A happy home is worth far more than clubs or private education.

Does he even like you? He seems to resent you and treat you like a lazy leech. He can tell his friends his wife watches tik tok all day and house is a Pig stye, and you spend all his hard earned money on frivolities, so this poor poor man can't enjoy his 40th . Open your eyes OP please. He is preparing his exit

*unkind

He doesn’t believe I do enough

But wait a minute op - you can't get a weekend job because your dh (dickhead) husband can't do the childcare.

So that's confusing.

Is looking after 2 kids and getting one to dance so hard that he can't do it on his own of a weekend, or so easy that when you do it, you're supposed to simultaneously keep a show home?

@Freckles10 what 'don't' you do, such as what?? Why the show home obsession from him? Does he come from a poor background ? Is he British out of interest ?

There’s no scenario where your husband should need to get a second job on top of a well paid FT job, while you don’t work.

I don’t understand how you can’t see that this is a huge issue. With one breath you say you don’t have money trouble, but the next you say that every month you argue about your apparently unacceptable standards of housekeeping being the reason he can’t get a SECOND job to allow you to do nice things and have holidays. Respectfully, if any of this is true, and there is even the fleeting thought in his head that he needs a second job to fund your lifestyle, you do have money troubles, you’re just choosing to bury your head in the sand and that’s probably exactly what he’s so frustrated about. It seems from this thread that you’re insisting otherwise because it allows you to continue insisting you do not need to work/can’t work/it won’t work for you to work.

The issue isn’t how much housework you do or don’t do - listen to what he’s apparently saying. He needs to get a second job. Or feels he does. That is NOT a family who are managing financially on one income.

A second job? Why would he need a second job? Could he not help out with childcare and you could get a job? All sounds very strange to me.

Turning 40 drags every sort of emotion to the surface. It's the first moment that many feel they're no longer young.

You start to look around and compare yourself against all your peers, against the dreams of your youth; and it can feel that time is running out.

But in the cold light of day, much of it is just insecurities.

The important thing is you talk. Tell him you understood the family finances can't stretch to Amsterdam or Iceland, but that you really wanted to mark the occasion by making new memories together. Don't make it about you: he's already looking for outlets for his frustrations and disappointments - he needs to come to terms with whatever they are. I wouldn't be quick to cancel the plans you've made, or to tell the kids you're not celebrating. He needs to understand his birthday is a chance for the kids to connect with him emotionally.

You're a team. To work effectively you need to be open with eachother, and it sounds like he might not realise he isn't yet being honest with what sits at the root of his disappointment.

Good luck

Because they aren't real complaints. They're just ways to keep OP constantly off balance and in the wrong.

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

Followed by:

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.
I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He sounds like a twat. An ungrateful one to boot.

In what ways is he incredible? What does he do with his children that makes him so? From your earlier posts it sounded like he isn't even willing to do child care!

What the hell is nationality to do with it? 😳

I’m really confused by your posts - on one hand you’re saying your DH is unhappy about something and is usually lovely - then you’re saying you have monthly arguments about money and you not working and him being critical about your short-comings as housekeeper. He threw a childish strop over your plans for his birthday (I would cancel everything, tell your friends that we’re going exactly why and completely ignore his birthday).

You clearly have money issues if you needed to sell stuff on Vinted to pay for a weekend away, you’re going to struggle to pay school fees - how do you think your DD will feel when most others at this private school will be going on several holidays a year, have more elaborate parties, and doing more, etc. etc and you’re forgoing holidays, etc to pay the fees.

And by the sounds of it, when you do find a job, your DH will still expect you to keep house and do all child related care, school runs, etc.

I suspect your marriage is in a weaker position than you think.