Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

And not that you want to hear it, but the current trend is dinner out (for year 7 kids) at a £50/head restaurant with a ‘few’ friends for a birthday at my daughter’s school.

Budget for secret Santa (more than one, normally one per sports team etc) was £50 each this year.

Uniform including the mandatory sports kits was well over £1000. And that’s just one of everything including blazer, jumper, skirt. Multiple blouses and tights.

Current school bag trend is circa £200. But then you need the £60+ hockey trainers, the hockey kit, the normal trainers for PE, the trainers that can get muddy in cross country, etc etc.

Mandatory year 7 camp is £500. And so it goes on, and that’s really just a snapshot off the top of my head.

If kids can’t afford some of these things, they’ll stand out. Because it’s very much just the norm.

It is madness really when you think about it. But there is so much on top of fees that people don’t realise.

Sadly, it's the classic narrative. Keep putting your partner down so when you do leave blame it on them/have a bank to pull from to bring up as reasons why.

I'm not saying that's happening here but I've seen this sort of thing many, many times.

If your partner acts differently out of nowhere, brings up the same shit to argue etc etc there is usually a reason. And it's usually not a good one.

Ah op if you’re confident it’s not the money then honestly it seems like he just doesn’t like you. It’s that, or he’s depressed, or he’s having an affair and the kicking out at you because he feels guilty, and you say it’s not that. None of these options are a situation can continue as it is. Sit him down,
tell him you’ve narrowed it down to these 3 things, and can he tell you which it is please so you know what to do next. Add you cannot stay in a marriage with a depressed man who won’t get professional help, it’s bad for the children.

OP I really really hope you take note of this.

If you're having to save for the fees right now please consider that the additional extras (that are pretty much all needed) could add up to the same as the fees.

After reading opening post I immediately thought 'the other woman'. The husband is going to be unkind to OP hoping she will leave and it's going to be her decision, not his so he is not a bad guy leaving unemployed wife high and dry. He already mentioned them divorcing and her having an affair. I'm suprised it's not being mentioned more

Me too. Who does he think he is ??

I get you want to make sacrifices to send your daughter to private school but when you separate under the financial strain and she has to go back to state school this will seriously fuck her up!!!!!!

He’s also the one out earning the money and then doesn’t have any of it to spend. Psychologically it’s hard to imagine that not being hard - especially as they would have money to spend if she also pulled her weight and got a job to fill the very clear gaps in their finances. There is a 9 year gap between children - child 1 was at school for 4/5 years of that gap. It’s quite obvious that OP does not particularly want to work, and her husband apparently wants
or needs her to work. It isn’t hard to see how resentment and frustration has built on his side, in my opinion.

If my husband and I both worked our socks off to fund a lifestyle, school fees etc (in fact this was the case a few years ago) and had nothing to show for it then ok - we were both doing everything we could and we had made a joint choice to prioritise those fees. However, I just can’t understand only one parent working when the family cannot manage the lifestyle they want on that one person’s income, while simultaneously not understanding why issues are arising.

And also why would the OP need to get a job if her DH earns 'very very' good money. Sounds like he is bullying her and being a dick. Cut down on your outgoings then.

Read the subsequent posts - every month he mentions needing to get a second job himself. They clearly do not have enough money but OP is just burying her head.

I'm also under an impression OP is digging her heels not to work. I think she has got herself in a very vulnerable position, because if and when he leaves, she will find herself in shit.

You’re just going to have to give him the impression that you are leaving and going for 50/50 so HE is going to have to change HIS lifestyle. I mean, how else are you going to get even remotely enough hours to justify childcare? You’re going to have to break down that this means that you will no longer be available for Dr/dentist appts on his days or spontaneous pick ups if they’re sick. They’re going to have to also facilitate playdates, lifts, homework, anssignments, sportswear, laundry, uniforms and hobbies for two kids. Oh, and that will mean that you need two of everything from now on as well, as you will need a spare for each house. He’ll have to manage the cooking, cleaning and shopping for the kids as well. Household bills will be his to deal with. You’ll be entirely responsible for yours. See how valued he feels then.

Sadly I think you're right.

Having to sell your stuff on vinted to afford a holiday for your husband when you're husband apparently sn't worried about money but also wants to get a second job because you're saving all your money to save for private school doesn't scream total financial security to me.

Sorry OP. It doesn't.

Your husband being a dick finding arguments each month and blaming you for not doing enough to get a second job but isn't worried about money?

He's either stressed about money or being a dick because he's planning a way out.

Sorry. That's brutal but OP you gotta take your head out of your situation and look at it from an outsiders point of view here.

There is a 9 year gap between children - child 1 was at school for 4/5 years of that gap. It’s quite obvious that OP does not particularly want to work, and her husband apparently wants or needs her to work.

The OP said in an earlier post that she was in a good job up until four years ago when she was bullied out of it by her boss, and then she became pregnant so wasn't worth returning to work. But clearly she did return to work at some point between children, so maybe ditch the 'too lazy to work' narrative you're building up here.

How do his expectations and standards get higher and higher? What extra does he think you should be doing? Is he really saying that he has to pick up so much of your slack, and that's the reason he doesn't have a second job...as in you're so messy that in a roundabout way you're causing the family financial issues.

Do you not see how mad that is? Surely he wouldn't get a second job on top of running his own business? Surely even if that was feasible, he can't be doing so much cooking / housework/ childcare that you don't get round to? Why does he think that his standards should be maintained, rather than agreed standards where you both compromise?

This is not sustainable OP. Do you want to live with these arguments every few weeks for ever? If you seriously believe he is a good guy but having some sort of mental health problems then I think the only option left if you don't want to split is counselling.

Sounds like he’s resentful you aren’t financially contributing. Don’t blame him to be honest. Being the breadwinner no fun. Many single parents manage to juggle all the demands and earning so something be better than nothing. Does cime across as excuses why you’ve not found anything yet.
Competitive dancing runs be even harder if your marriage breaks down. Given the personality changes I’d be worried that unless you can get to the root of it all your marriage won’t be lasting the distance. He’s communicated his disappointment - no real solution been offered. Could you suggest go for the weekend and have a weekend away just the two of you doing what he wants at another date. His line about you picking something you want suggests that might be how he sees things. That your needs are met by status quo and his aren’t. It’s almost worse when a partner loses respect on some level but all salvageable if you view it as your problem too not just his.

@Ezkay it's more the fact I was getting vibes of 100% sacrifice and kids 100% priority and from families I have known it seemed far more common in certain nationalities as a normal thing - even when it's not doable - just curious I guess if there's a cultural reason at all for the 100% sacrifice mindset as to me it's nuts

Private school is a mistake in this scenario, if you want to hear it or not. Look at the big picture and take control. You aren't earning and your husband has all the financial burden

@Freckles10 " this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time."

"Big holidays to fancy places"? He sounds petulant and entitled, like a spoilt child. How on earth could he expect a fancy holiday as a gift when you don't have an income? It's just bizarre. And awful behaviour by him. Awful.

’ve said this to him a lot recently.. I’ve said he clearly isn’t happy in this relationship and if he wants to separate then we should. He says he would never do that because of our girls. That he is “trapped” and “stuck”.

This says it all. This is your answer for his behaviour. Sounds like if you did not have children he would already be out the door.

It's really not realistic and it's very unfair that this is a monthly argument.

You really need to find a job, even one that doesn't work around nursery. He needs to step up and do some of the parenting amd household duties to enable you to also work.

There is no logic in him having another job, he'd get taxed more and probably lose the free childcare entitlement completely. You working won't affect either of those.

I don't want to worry you but this sounds a lot like the behaviour of my ex-husband when we were in a similar situation, ( I was the stay at home Mum.) It turned out that he had secretly run up a huge amount of credit card debt even though he was on an excellent salary.
The stress was causing his bad behaviour to me and his pride wouldn't let him share the burden/secret.
He loved the highlife & keeping up with the Jones ' but that turned out to be financially prohibitive after a while.
Do you think it's possible your husband might be carrying some sort of similar burden/secret? He does sound very resentful and I'm wondering if the 40th birthday thing is the tip of the iceberg or indeed a red herring as to the true reason for his behaviour.

Yep.

And he has you protecting him by pretending to your family that he isn’t a childish, ungrateful twat. Not to mention tying yourself in knots to do whatever it takes to make him happy (including selling your clothes to treat him for his birthday)

Even with all this he throws your efforts for his birthday back in your face, constantly complains and openly shows resentment towards you yet you’re only happy if he’s happy and you think he’s great.

There is so much wrong with this situation.

He’s very controlling isn’t he, you do realise OP that no matter what you did for his birthday it wasn’t going to be right, and this is abuse, he is abusing you, and you can’t get it right for an abuser because they won’t let you.
Please don’t apologise to him, this is his game and he gets off on it. It takes two to play the game so you need to opt out. Go away for the weekend, he’s made his choice not to go, and frankly he’s enjoying making you feel bad. It’ll do the cruel bastard good to spend his birthday alone. If he turns it on you on your return just calmly say, ‘It was your choice’. Don’t engage in any arguments, remain calm and state it’s not up for discussion.

On the job front. Private home cleaning… working for yourself means you can choose your days and hours to suit child care, and depending on where you live you can earn anything from £12 to £25 per hour. You need nothing to start other than a pair of rubber gloves. It’s flexible and you are your own boss. Advertise on Facebook, I guarantee you’ll be working within days. If you go ahead remember to register with HMRC, it’s very simple.
To be honest I’d be squirrelling some money away with a view to leaving him if things don’t improve, you deserve better. Good luck.

It doesn't have to be this way.

You're only trapped in this situation because you're starting from a bunch of assumptions that need challenging. The biggest one is that his life and career shouldn't be impacted by having children.

You're trapping yourself in low paying work forever unless you get back soon.

Start by asking yourself what career you could reasonably train for, that pays a decent salary. And then JFDI - and make it clear to him that he needs to make some compromises in his own life. It's completely unreasonable that it should all fall on you.

It's sad to see a smart woman throw her own potential away to serve the ego of a selfish man who doesn't value her.

You get one life. You get zero prizes for being a martyr.