Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

To add, you had to sell your things in order to book any kind of trip, so presumably he didn't see any payments going out, and this was a surprise for him?

Did he expect you'd not be able to arrange anything at all? He's now making excuses and refusing a non refundable trip so he can tell everyone you didn't go anywhere for his 40th.

Again, setting you up in the role of "bad wife", doing nothing for his big day.

Op clearly had some kind of burn-out. Stress from work, so she probably has a bit of insight.

So now her husband is displaying symptoms, and certainly saying things, that indicate a burn-out (stress of earning enough etc). So what happens if HE packs in his job? He probably feels he can't (that was me) because of being the main earner. And that leads to more stress.

Everything here - absolutely everything - points to: cutting outgoings and OP getting a job. FWIW i went to private boarding school. I got a grant for some, but not all of the fees. My parents ensured that we had holidays etc, i know it was a bit of a stretch, but not huge. The peripherals like trips, uniforms etc was a bit of a stretch, but i got a lot of it second hand (most of us did) from the school flea market. But the extras can really stretch the budget very very tight.

OP says she would take any job, including scrubbing toilets. That's what I have had to do once, scrubbing toilets in pubs to provide for my child. Someone who is scrubbing toilets does not send their child to private school. OP is utterly delusional and I'm afraid she is in for rude awakening as her husband is already checked out

So the op probably won’t be back.
it’s hard to read what is posted here.I suspect there is a large degree of dissonance going on.
They have money for private schooling yet she has to sell her clothes to organise his birthday?
He is a great dad yet he says he feels trapped.
He says he is not wired about money but frequently says he needs to get another job to make ends meet.
The op is in denial- I totally get that.
It’s not going to end well

I hope OP is OK but I also hope OP reads all these posts and really considers what people are saying. There is a air to me of denial and blindsided love frothing being able to think clearly. The defensiveness from OP is clear to that.

Re the private school - sorry but terrible idea. If you are saving for the fees and having to sell clothes to book a holiday that's not a good start.

Husband isn't worried about money but what's you to do more so he can get a second job?

You have no money worries but you're selling stuff on vinted?

Your husband is wonderful but argues with you every month about not doing enough or working - but you have no money worries?

Please please PLEASE OP take a step back, read these replies and look at all this without those rose tinted glasses on.

No, she won't be back but hopefully this thread will have opened her mind to the possibility that he's not Mr nice guy.

What he did was nasty, really really nasty.

Maybe it's a one off.

But if it's not, maybe this thread will make the op a bit more alert to the next time he does something nasty.

Ok so I’ve read every single post on here and after spending the evening and today reflecting, I just want to make some final comments and then I’m going to take myself away from this thread.

I love my husband. I love my family. I do not believe for one second that he is being abusive to me. Every story has two sides and I’m sure if he relayed his version of events, there would be parts I missed out which would fill in gaps and add context to things that were said and done.

He has apologised for being ungrateful and he has apologised for upsetting me but he is as hurt as I am.

Somewhere along the line, the conversation in this thread turned to my daughter’s school fees. I put the point across to him last night about worries about money and he said that wasn’t the case. I won’t go in to the details of our financial situation but my daughter’s education is a moot point in this argument. The fees and everything on top are in hand.

When we discussed it last night, my husband believes I don’t do enough around the house to support him. So he therefore has to pick up my slack meaning that he doesn’t have additional time to pick up extra work.

Historically he has done this. He has taken on additional work to help pay off holidays etc. He doesn’t feel he can do that at the moment because a) he is spending all his free time working on the house and cleaning which I could be helping with and b) he resents me and doesn’t want to work extra time because of how he feels.

The situation with the trip away was awful and it’s hurt me and he knows he has hurt me. He was disappointed. He believes I bigged it up to be something it wasn’t. I don’t believe I did that. He believes he told me multiple times he didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t ever hear him say that.

He believes I planned the trip around what I would like to do rather than what he wanted to do. In hindsight, could I have raised the money and booked us to go away for a night somewhere more exciting? Possibly but when booking, I had no idea how much money I was going to be able to get my hands on so I didn’t want to stretch myself.

The whole point of me selling my things was that I didn’t want his salary to have to pay for his 40th. It’s not that we couldn’t have afforded it, it was that I wanted to do it for him. And again, in hindsight what I should have done was raise the money, give him the cash and say “let’s put this towards doing something for your birthday”. But I wanted to surprise him. That one smacked me back in the face didn’t it?

The long and short of it is that he is hurt because he believes I haven’t made an effort. Just like I don’t make an effort with the house etc. that’s what he believes whether I agree with him or whether he is being unreasonable. That’s how he feels.

Last night he looked so sad. That wasn’t faked. He isn’t having an affair, he never ever would. But he is sad and he is unhappy. I asked him if he wanted me to leave and he said no. I have no doubt that he would survive perfectly well without me ie, he doesn’t need me for picking up after him or cooking his dinner. So he isn’t using me. I do believe he wants me around but I agree with some comments, currently I don’t think he likes me and right now I don’t like him.

But… and it’s a big but…it’s nothing that we cannot work on or fix. I do believe if I am earning and salary, whatever that salary is, it will help us and hopefully take some of the weight for all our finances off his shoulders.

I do need to step up more. We have a cycle of us having these rows, everything being clean for a week and then slipping again and I need to prove to him that I have taken on board his thoughts and can be consistent.

I need to reign in my spending. I spend too much. I go out for coffees. I do lunches and that needs to slow down.

He needs to be kinder to me and see more of what I do that doesn’t bring finances in.

This is going to be a marathon but I want us to be happy and I believe we can be. I’ve cancelled the trip today (hoping I’ll get some money back) and will be explaining to my family that we aren’t going because we aren’t in a good place. I’m not ready to discuss the ins and outs of what happened.

I’ve told him he needs to accept his daughters will want to wish him happy birthday and that they have prepared things for him so he needs to suck that up. He also needs to explain to his own parents why he doesn’t want to celebrate his birthday. But that’s another conversation to be had when we are both a bit calmer.

Anyway, I didn’t expect this thread to explode the way it did. I took every comment on board and I think you all for your concern. I’m sure many of you will think I’m an idiot or a sucker. That I’m just being walked over by an abuser but I simply don’t see it that way. Because this is the 2% of the time that things are bad. No one else sees the other 98% which is wonderful.

thank you again.

Oh dear.

This is going nowhere good, OP. I wish you luck.

Sadly I completely agree.

This is not a good update OP. He is still resentful, now you are not going away for his birthday. He has told you you can't keep your house clean despite not working and you are spending too much money that he earns. Please don't say he would 'never ever' had an affair. That is silly. Now you both 'don't like each other very much' .

@Freckles10 if you don’t work what do you spend your days doing - how much of the household chores do you take on and how much do you spend lunching and coffees because either he is being mean or he does have a point

Drip feed. OP going out for coffee and lunches, husband coming home and cleans. No wonder OP is fighting for the marriage, I would too

Sadly the op still has her head in the sand.
so she says she won’t post again.
I would have liked to ask where the school fees are coming from if not from their funds. What makes them a moot point?
There is not a lot you can do is someone refuses to see what everyone else can clearly see.
I have been there myself and it is extra hard to admit that things don’t add up no matter how you try to make it so.

OP, your husband is resentful and you both are not in the same place financially.

He's not able to celebrate a milestone birthday how he wants. He's looking at years of austerity due to your expectations. He is taking up your slack around household work. He sounds like he's approaching burn out. He may have behaved like an ass but he's under enormous financial pressure.

You are frittering away money on frivolous things. You are not working. You have very expensive expectations of private schooling for one or two children. You expect him to pay for outside classes for one and soon two children. You are not matching his austerity here. You can't even finance a night away without selling things and getting free childcare.

Your husband is 40 and looking at less than 30 years of maximizing retirement investments but he's going to have 20+ years paying for educational costs of (unnessary) private schooling and university on one income.

Again. You cannot live a dual income lifestyle on a single income.

I'm agreeing with DreadPirateRoberts here.

sounds like a nice life for OP tho. Coffees, lunches and a bit of light housework, possibly.

I agree.

The last update from the OP makes the situation sound really grim. It's sad

So rude of him to let the OP cancel this trip. She may be making it sound like she doesn’t do a lot to some of you, but I bet there is an absolute tonne of wifework she’s doing that he doesn’t even notice.

I’m not sure a worse house and no cars will make your kids happy, it’ll probably have a daily and consistent negative impact on their lives I’d have thought.

The behaviour you described from your husband in the beginning of this thread was truly appalling. Horrible abuse. Now you’re defending him to the ends of the earth. People took you at your OP, but it seems your husband is just a misunderstood victim ‘poor man’ now. So I’m not sure what we can do to help really.

I would be saving to send your second kid to private school by the way, if that’s what you’re determined to do. You really can’t plan to send one and not the other.

Most of us work, look after children and do housework. OP has time to go out for lunches and shopping, while her husband works, then he comes home and clean. I'm beginning to see why he is resenentful

Also, reading your last post, he will always find a way to make you responsible for whatever negative feelings he has. Whatever it is. It will be your fault. Like now. He’s up and down and back and forth to find ways to make you in the wrong. Your last post contradicts with your first, where his issue seemed to be money. He IS abusive.

You spent money on his birthday when money is too tight to do anything apparently. But then he’s decided it’s not too tight, and you bogged it up and he was disappointed because you didn’t spend enough and didn’t make enough effort. But also you apparently don’t do enough around the home and he has to do more than he’d like, which is presumably nothing. You don’t need to get a job because he says money is fine, but he’s also apparently livid at you because you don’t have a job and all the financial pressure is on him. But also he wants you to do more around the house. And he wants you to have a job. But you don’t have money issues. And he doesn’t want to have to do any domestic stuff. So he can work more. Even though there’s no financial issues. He hates socialising, but even though you sold your stuff online to pay for something for his weekend, it’s NOT ENOUGH and he wants MORE! So he’s inline with his friends.

You. Cannot. Win.

It's really not OP.

We all want out children to have 'everything' but your Husband behaviour is telling you it's too much for him.

He's doing that Man thing of not being able to voice it but he's struggling.

What a miserable man cancelling his own birthday because he didn’t get a weekend in Iceland.
It said in the first post that he was commenting on exciting trips others he knew were having, and yet OP says he’s very introspective and doesn’t have friends.
I appreciate the update but if it were from a friend I would be so upset for her.
Why he couldn’t have sucked and gone away for an evening, I have no idea.

There’s none so blind as those who won’t see. Good luck, OP.

You are allowed to have a coffee and lunch out sometimes. When I was at home with the dc, my sanity depended on a coffee or lunch out with a friend some days.

Also, I do find it strange to you say you are not able to work at weekends because your dc has a class. Your dh could take your dc to a class, surely.

As for the housework, only you know how true his point of view is but really, when dc are little this should be a joint effort and not really something that is so out of hand that your husband is having to use up all his time at home on. Mostly when I was a SAHM, I would just tidy as we went throughout the day.

He sounds very resentful and critical of you which must be very hard. Maybe a weekend job so that you could fund your own coffee/lunch out might help. I do agree with others who say they can understand why your family feel the way they do.