Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

My husband snores, and I wish he'd wipe the spilled coffee grounds off the counter after he makes his espresso in the morning.

He doesn't abuse me.

Agree @Dotto - happy children tend to stem from a happy secure home be that 1 parent or 2 in the same home - they do not automatically become happy children with everything always being 100% about them and their wants-

So what is bothering him then?

Ok OP. People are just trying to give you realistic advice on what it actually costs to send a child to a private school.

I really urge you to think about absolutely all the costs. My sister was really unhappy because my parents could not afford the extras others had and in turn made her miserable.

Not saying this will be the same for your DD but I would really consider it all.

Aside from that, your husband acted like a spoilt brat.

To answer your original OP then... how do you move forward from this... my advice is to get out. He sounds like a twat. An adult doesn't behave like a child having a tantrum because hes not got enough christmas presents.

You asked for people's advice and that's what they've done.

Depends on the school. Have you checked? And can change, particularly if numbers fall with VAT and budgets are squeezed.

I will be nothing but happy for my child!! That’s why I have made it clear to my husband that I won’t stay with him for the sake of the children.. he is willing to do that but I won’t because if I don’t wan to be here, I won’t be happy for them.

I don’t care about weekends away,. Fancy holidays and new stuff! I’m very happy snuggled up on the sofa watching some Disney movies cuddled up to my family.. that’s what makes me happy and that’s what makes my daughter happy.. but going to a school she loves will also make her happy so we balance it out

Yes it does as the school she is going to is absorbing 15% of the tax so it’s only going up by 5%

Well your husband doesn't want to 'sacrifice his own happiness' any longer. He wants nice holidays and expensive activities and he is seeing you as an obstacle. I wouldn't be surprised if he was planning his exit and putting his ducks in a row.

This must be so hard to deal with when you’ve gone to an effort to plan something. I’m surprised at the comments here about you getting a job. 1- do people not realise that providing childcare to your own children is just that. Childcare. And saves families a fortune. Not everyone has a team of family to help. And 2- if it’s been agreed between a couple then it should not be thrown in one persons face.
Those points aside I would speak to him about how disappointing it is that you have planned and saved for a weekend away and he’s essentially throwing it in your face. He cannot moan about not wanting to spend money on going away and then moan when you’re not going away.
Speak to him. And if you’re going to lose money on the hotel I’d go alone or with your kids. You deserve to be happy to.

What about working on his days off?Evenings? Nightshifts?
Can he contribute towards childcare?
Why is it solely on you to sort childcare?

If he wants you to be better off financially and for you to work, than he needs to contribute towards childcare. That also meens taking it in turns to take parental leave if a kids poorly.

I disagree strongly about quality time together. He could have nice time with you on this break, he could have nice time at home with kids and you cooking him birthday dinner. Trip abroad is not necessary a better time together, it’s just different. He is not wrong to want certain things but he should be realistic about how to get them. And throwing tantrums is not the way.
You said that you’d do everything to make it work for your daughter’s fees etc etc and you sounded really driven about it. I wonder if your DH started feeling a bit differently. Imo there is no right and wrong approach in this case. I knew a few people who could send children privately but really valued the opportunity to travel, to buy different things and decided against it. And I knew a few people who sent and went through a lot of personal restrictions. The key is to choose what works for your family and that means for both parents and kids and then stick to it without focusing on “what if “ . It looks for me like your DH is not entirely happy about the decision you’ve made. He probably can’t even articulate it clearly but he doesn’t feel the same about it. I don’t think he can tell you this because you sound really focused on it. The reasons why he is not happy about this decision are quite selfish (not enough money for trips, fun, clothes and cars suitable to his social status etc) so as a good father he can’t acknowledge them openly to you. You said that you were happy for her to go to a state school. Im sure it’s true but it seems you both haven’t thought about your own needs and that was an oversight, that what he meant saying that he’s “ glorified wallet”.
I still think that he is a twat for tormenting you like this rather then being open and honest. And I don’t like when people do glorified promises without thinking carefully if they really can stick to them. That’s what he basically did.
And now he wants you to resolve it by finding this magic job or by taking decision not to send your daughter to a private school because he doesn’t want to be the one who said no to this.

Have you considered setting up your own small business and being self-employed? You mentioned you have skills from your previous work and you are obviously intelligent, articulate and capable of expressing yourself in writing, not to mention empathetic and caring. I particularly admire the way you’ve sought to understand what’s going on to make your husband react in the way he has despite your own (very justified) feelings of hurt and rejection. These skills would make you a brilliant VA (virtual assistant)!

A friend of mine works online from home as a self-employed VA. She provides business support to people with disabilities and neurodivergence who receive an Access to Work grant. The work is flexible as she chooses the clients who want the hours she is available to work. Pay is around £25 - £27 per hour - which is obviously well above minimum wage and can be fitted into school hours etc. If this is of interest, you are welcome to pm me for details.

Additionally, I think you are right to consider the real issues behind your husband’s frustration and unhappiness. Therefore, if your husband won’t consider personal therapy, my other suggestion, is to consider getting some couples counselling as a first step to getting your husband some emotional help.

I'm not talking about your education choices. I'm talking about your attitude of giving your kids everything even at great sacrifice to you. I didn't say you would tell them, but given your husband's behaviour, I'd say he would.

everything we do is so that our children are happy. Even if we sacrifice our own happiness.

I'm afraid this doesn't work. It simply creates pressure on children. Pressure that they have to succeed because their parents happiness depends on their happiness. Far far too much pressure for kids to bear.

There's more and more research suggesting that the biggest measure of a child's happiness is the happiness of their mother. I can absolutely see this.

I doubt you're happy I'm afraid op. I expect you want to be, you try to be, but deep down, I doubt it. Your husband isn't objectively a very nice man. You either know this and want to bury your head in the sand. Or you genuinely think your happiness comes second to his.

That's a lot to absorb, none of the private schools I know about are absorbing that much. I wonder if they are back claiming on past building works. It doesn't sound sustainable long term unless they make cuts, and wrap around care would be easy to cut. I would budget for 8-10% fee increases each year, so close to doubling over the 7 years. Have you looked at the school on companies house if there? How financially stable are they?

@Freckles10 it makes no sense for him to say you can’t afford to go away on holiday and then he says he is not worried about money. You have them gone on to defend him and say he is an amazing father.
🤷🏻‍♀️

Thing is @Freckles10 - you say you want to get to the bottom of why he's acting like this- there's a real big possibility if it's out of character that it's coming down to financial pressure restricting your families lifestylethat he would like and it looks like the main reason is choices made in the family future expenditure around paying for private school - so you have to examine whether it makes sense as we can't all magic you up a part time decently paid job that fits in with the childcare that it sounds like you will need to be arranging or doing. It isn't meant as criticism -we all make stupid decisions at times- it's more 'you might want to think about this'. And none of it excuses his complete toddler tantrum at not getting the break he thinks he deserves.

Sounds like you’re on different pages. You with your “sacrifice everything for the children” and private school even if that means a beans on toast lifestyle whilst he is getting fed up with that and wants a higher octane life right now. Neither of you is necessarily wrong but you’re pulling in different directions.

@TheaBrandt yep - as I said about my H - if you are on the borders of affording it -really only works if you are both on the same page - otherwise they want the same lifestyle and it's just an 'additional' expense- my H said he didn't mind cutting back on certain things but when push came to shove- he certainly did -

Personally I think he is an ungrateful person . You planned a whole weekend with his best friend and partner too , he should go and enjoy it . If he wanted to celebrate a different way he could have said . He is 40 , not 14 .
He should I apologise , but you in any way .

He’s an unbelievably petty little prick.

There's a very large gap between "100 percent faultless" and the way your husband is behaving, but if you don't want to accept that his behaviour is actually quite a long way away from normal, healthy, respectful (not faultless) treatment of a spouse, then good luck with your fight.

With respect what's the point in sending your kids to private school when the family is cracking under the pressure of all the expense. They're not all that anyway. Happy home life is best. Ur husband sounds like a big spoilt ungrateful pathetic baby about his birthday. Give me the ick that would,

Mmm you are one of those posters. Come with a real problem, give insights into your life that means posters offer advice and their insights into the issues and then at the end go. But it is fine, it’s all good there are no issues and certainly not the things I have mentioned. Obviously silly me the initial thing is nothing we have talked it all over and look what an amazing parent I am making all these sacrifices for my child to send her to the only school she can possibly go to - and why didn’t you do that. And we can afford it of course we cab

ostrich OP you are being an ostrich

OP I think the main thing to do in your situation with your husband now is to step away, let things cool down, neither offer nor demand apologies until you've had a chance to think it all over.

I do think you have a lot of thinking to do. Your insistence that he's a great father while he's belittling you for decisions you've made together re. your work - it doesn't quite hang together when I read it back. I think you did a great job to take the initiative to sell stuff to pay for an affordable birthday weekend and his reaction is just completely dickish and off. But you seem exasperated with people pointing that out...?

You're clear you want to work on your marriage; you have a job on your hands to work out what's going on. But most importantly: don't try to make your children happy by sacrificing your happiness. It never works; they'll know what's going on. All the best.