Husband is unhappy

[Freckles10]

I’m hoping this is a safe space to have a bit of a rant/get some advice on my hubby.

We haven’t been doing well recently. Lots of arguments about my husbands expectations of me which I am apparently not meeting. ie, things around the house not being done etc (I’m a stay at home mum).

Money is a bit tight at the moment and his 40th birthday is approaching. We discussed some extravagant holidays which in the end we decided not to do because hubby said we couldn’t afford it.

I didn’t want the day to go by without celebrating so I decided to sell some things on vinted and raise the money to take us away overnight. I chose some activities I thought he would like and then an overnight stay.

I think he has hyped the weekend up in his head (he thinks I have, but I don’t know when he thinks this has happened as I’ve rarely mentioned it) and this evening I have told him what we are doing and he’s told me he is really disappointed. He’s said everyone he knows are having big holidays to fancy places and I’ve just booked an activity weekend of which it includes activities he has already done and that we could do any time.

He’s said I’ve basically just planned the weekend around what I want to do and he isn’t going. He’s told me to cancel the whole thing. Despite the fact that his best friend and his wife are joining us. That I’ve got a babysitter for our two children. That I won’t get a refund on the hotel. He wants the whole thing cancelling and wants absolutely no mention of his birthday. No cards. No gifts.

Im numb with shock. I genuinely don’t know what to do or think. He said he expected to be going abroad doing something like Iceland or Amsterdam…despite the fact we had said we couldn’t afford it. But then if I had planned nothing, I would have been the wife who didn’t plan anything for her husbands birthday!

so now I have to go to my mum and my sister and explain why I don’t need them to babysit our children. I need to tell my mum she can have the money back that she contributed towards the weekend away. And he has to tell our daughter why we aren’t celebrating his birthday.

My question isn’t about the situation itself - it’s about what I do next! Firstly, how do we get through this? I can’t just go “yeah whatever” because a) that’s not me and b) I’m genuinely so hurt by this. I don’t know how to be ok with it! And secondly, I’ve told him he needs to speak to someone. That I think he isn’t happy and that he may need to professional support. Has anyone else see behaviour in their husbands like this when they hit 40? He is very hostile at the moment. Small things make him so angry! He hangs the fact I dont have a job over my head but then says I can be off work as long as I want. I just don’t know what to do to make him happy! To make us happy.

I need to know if this is a phase, whether he is maybe depressed or having a crisis that we can work on or whether this is it for the rest of our lives. I’m at a loss.

@izimbra please don't generalise- I have always worked even when I had young children and mainly full time too and can see very often it doesn't always make sense for quite a few years from a purely fiscal angle- I would encourage people to do 10 hours or so minimum if at all feasible simply because it is then easier to ease back at some point if you need to

I won’t go in to the ins and outs of our finances but we can afford our daughter’s school.

I think you're being short sighted in terms of looking for work and "why bother if it's only covering the child care fees". You bother because in most instances salary is a factor of years worked. It doesn't matter if those years cover the cost of child care. Once the kids are in school your income is more than it was 3 years ago. It's an investment in your future (and your family's future). It gives a fall back if your husband is injured and unable to work. Once your child care costs reduce the freed up money can be redirected.

Around his age is where you see the discontent creep in. If he decides he wants the single life and you don't have a job, then you're really going to struggle.

The behaviour you described in your initial post is dreadful - the criticisms of how you keep the house, the gaslighting about what you’d both agreed about the holiday, the criticisms of what you’d planned and pulling out without any thought about what this will do to you, and all the wifework involved in sorting out the cancellation.
I think this post is about more than what’s happening right now. He doesn’t behave well towards you and I don’t like the sound of him.

@Freckles10 But your kids will NOT be happy watching their parents fight and bicker and their mother being treated so badly.

Is your husband actually a good father? He seems to resent every facet of family life and you speak as if the very idea of him taking his own daughter dancing is a no go!

Also you cannot send one child to private school if you may not have the means to send the second. The second child will resent both you and their sibling for it. It is an absolute no no.

Do you have any thoughts about why he’s not behaving as well to you now as he has in the past?

I'm sorry OP I don't think that's a good idea at all.

Selling everything you own and working all hours will make you miserable and your kids will pick up on that and in turn make them miserable/think it's their fault.

I really really don't think thinking like that and potentially having to do that will work out for the best like you think it will...

OP I think your husband making such a fuss about his disappointment is a red herring here. From reading your posts his dickish behaviour seems to be relatively new. I suspect the enormity of the reality of the future financial obligation for your daughter's school is starting to hit home. And perhaps even the thought that you may now need to do the same for your second DC. Perhaps the thought of constant sacrifices for many years to come has started to hit home. He may well be depressed, but equally feel he can't go back on his word. I can see he may fear things are now spiralling and he is losing control. Unless there is a resolution you are all as a family going to suffer.
Having put a child through private education I really don't think you are prepared for the financial outlay that this will actually require. As pp have said there are many more expenses to consider other than the basic fees, and these really add up.
Other than uniform (which is extortionate and comes from a nominated supplier so you can't shop around), there are expenses that are necessary and those which are 'optional' - but will make your child stand out if they don't have them.
Necessary includes expensive school meals, hugely overinflated bus services if you use them (this alone added nearly £2000 per year). Books, laptops, exam fees, extra curricular activities, etc. As well as wrap around care which was certainly not included in basic fees at DC's school.
The optional obligations include school trips. These aren't just £50 here and there for museums etc., but school holidays such as skiing which cost thousands. Of course your daughter doesn't have to go, but the majority do at least one, and your daughter risks feeling left out. You then need all the skiing clothing even if equipment hire is included. The holidays can easily add up to another terms fees. These trips are offered annually, and go all over the world. Could you really see your daughter never wanting to go on any?
Finally there is the 'keeping up with friendships' expenses. These include birthday parties. Yes you can choose not to hold an expensive one for you daughter, but she will probably receive invites to others which means she will begin to notice huge differences in lifestyle. Many of these children genuinely do own ponies, swimming pools, and more designer clothes at 13 than many people have in a lifetime. Your daughter will never be on an equal playing field. A lot are happy to accept this (mine did!), but as you get to meet and socialise with other parents (often at hugely expensive school fundraising dinners etc.) it will become apparent to your DH that many of these people are from different worlds, and they would have very little in common. I have had to sit and listen to so much competitive bullshitting that I used an internal bingo card to keep me sane. How many houses/cars/holidays etc. Even competitive jewellery/watches/whatever. And these social events again are extortionate. Usually with auctions or something similar to rake in even more funding.
What I'm saying in a very long winded manner is that maybe you could explain this to your husband and let you both take it as a genuine reason to get out now. This saves face for your DH if it is put across as a genuine well thought through option to use a local secondary. It would also be so much worse to have your DD leave once she's settled, and I do think this would be a risk.
Once this pressure is off you can go back to using the money you do have for family holidays, properly celebrating when you all want to and how you all want to, and hopefully getting your life as a happy family unit back on track. I feel a lot of the issues between you may be down to unspoken resentments.

In midlife we often evaluate ourselves against where we hoped or expected to be - and of course life isn't a movie, so feelings of failure come up. He wants to be able to afford private school and Iceland. He can't. He feels a failure. That's unbearable so he's projecting it onto you sometimes. I think you are going to really regret overstretching, especially if you separate. Be compassionate, realistic and assertive. You have done nothing wrong. Big conversations needed.

Well they are not going to be.very happy with an angry stressed out father and the possibility of their parents splitting up. Sorry but your head in the sand approach is not sensible.

You are hanging an awful lot on a private school - what exactly makes it worth all of this because if you can afford it why this thread?

Seems a bit like that. What happened to “fighting for your marriage”? I don’t want to leave him.. I love him.. can everyone say that their husbands are 100% faultless?

Why would you chose to put your child in a school that is so expensive at the expense of and family holidays, time away with your husband? Life is to be enjoyed.

Also children don't care about these things. They just want to feel loved and have a happy home.

No, but earlier qus stand - what is he going to do to change his feelings? Relationship counselling? Go to GP and seek help? Don’t make this something you need to fix or blame yourself.

He is an incredible father!!! And we will send our youngest if she wants to go but she is 9 years younger than my eldest so they won’t be there at the same time

I agree with this. And a previous post.

While private school is great I would only send my DS if I had enough money that in doing so it would have no impact on the rest of our lives.

DD will be at a school with children who go all over the world and she would have to tell her friends she isn't able to go on such holidays with her family.

When she realises that's because she is in private school that's an awful lot of pressure for her to hold.

Go back to work. If you had a good job four years ago it's perfectly possible. Get something, take the financial hit and be financially independent of him in case this mid life crisis expands. It may also be enough to stop him being resentful and if not you have the moral high ground. You're happy to be at home but he clearly is feeling trapped by it.

Couldn’t agree more. He needs to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt kid.

He's not respecting you or what you bring to the table. I had one like that. I became a childminder so that I could mould my life around my family. He worked away overnight a lot, and so it felt like my only option. He was a big earner and we didn't need the extra but I worked for my own self worth and the money helped for holidays.

I noticed a significant change in the way he treated me pre and post ds. Lack of respect for me, treating me like I was useless. I also saw/still see it in sahm friend relationships. I call it the "big man" mentality. They think they're above the women and it's no longer an equal partnership with mutual respect. He finally left and everyone is happier.

You are putting immense pressure on your kids with this attitude. Sacrificing everything for their happiness even if you're miserable. How on earth can children be happy if their parents are not? The vibe in the house would be absolutely awful. What happens, when after giving your kids everything, they decide they'll never work and will continue to live with you? Or they have zero career aspirations and don't end up with the careers you envisage?

Giving kids everything is a path to bitter disappointment in my observations. They end up entitled, rude and unappreciative. Alternatively the pressure on them because you're sacrificing everything makes them anxious and unhappy. Your husband sounds like someone who would throw your choices in their face - I sacrificed everything for you and this is how you treat me.

This thread has turned more in to judgement on my choice of education for my child than the actual OP! I didn’t bring it up, others did.

I made a comment about how one of the reasons I THOUGHT my husband might be unhappy was stressing about money.. school was then guessed and now it’s dominated everything.

I have spoken to him this evening about it and he isn’t stressed about the money at all so it’s a mute point

No. Wrong. Completely wrong.

You always put your own oxygen mask on first.

You create a happy home life so children feel secure and loved. Children are primarily happy if their mum is happy.

What is life if you can't enjoy it.

And there you go. Every woman contemplating being SAHM should read this and make things more equal at home and work. Really sorry how this has worked out OP.

I would never let them know I what I am sacrificing! I’m not a bloody monster!! This thread was not meant to be about me being bashed for my choice in education and lifestyle for my child!