I don't want his children living with us anymore

[ByAquaKoala]

My partner and I have been dating for a while. He’s a bit older than me and has two children, whom I’ve always gotten along with. His kids (now 15 and 17 yrs old) primarily lived with their mother but would spend occasional weekends with us. The kids looked like they have been having problems with their mum (it was always so complicated) so when a couple of years ago, we bought a house together, one of his children decided to move in with us permanently, and the other now plans to spend more time here as well. I couldn’t say no, and I agreed — but I made it clear to my partner that he needed to set boundaries.

Since his divorce, he’s adopted a “fun dad” approach, allowing the kids to do whatever they want. While I understand why he’s doing this, it’s starting to impact me and our household.

I’ve never had children of my own, and honestly, I’m struggling to adjust. The house is constantly messy, no matter how much time I spend cleaning. The kids don’t contribute to any of the housework, which makes me feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. I go out of my way to buy groceries for everyone, including specific items tailored to my dietary needs, but they often eat my food. This has left me without anything suitable to eat at times, and I’ve had to skip breakfast until I can make a trip to the store.

I’ve spoken to my partner about these issues multiple times. He always says he’ll address it or talk to them, but nothing ever changes. Recently, he even suggested I lock away my food or label it with a pencil marker, which I found absolutely ridiculous.

I feel like I’m constantly sacrificing my own needs to cater to them. I never wanted to take on the role of “new mom,” and I was very clear about that from the beginning, but now it feels like that’s exactly what they all expect of me.

This is my home too, and I crave my own space, peace, and quiet. Lately, I’ve been feeling frustrated and even resentful about having them here so often. I feel terrible for thinking this way, and I know it’s not a nice feeling to have.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? I love my partner deeply, and aside from these issues, we get along so well. He’s truly special to me, and I don’t want this to end because of these challenges. But at the same time, I don’t know how much more I can take.

My children are that age and they have tidy bedrooms and clear after themselves. That's what they've been taught from very very young age and I would not allow them to be messy as it's not nice and disrespectful to other people.
If parents are not consistent and suddenly try to teach kids to be tidy when they are 15 then it's a bit too late but that's down to parenting.

I don't have kids but I completely agree that if you start dating someone with kids you must accept that they are part of the package and they will be part of your life somewhere between 0 and 100%.

Now, they are not the problem, YOUR DH IS!
He is the father, responsible to educate/set good examples and step up but no...He prefers the comfort zone for himself rather than putting the hard work while not looking after you and your relationship.
This tells more about him and what he thinks of you than about the teenagers.

Really?

Sorry just seen that post was edited.
You are been taken for a ride. Time to move on. It isn't your problem he he can't afford to house himself.

I don’t date them kids for various reasons but this is one of them.

It sounds like you’re subsidising them,OP and overall isn’t a great situation for you.
For all you know they may want to live in their dads (partly owned) home well into their 20s. You need to decide if you can be okay with this.

If not, rather than try and get a parent to turf their kids out you need to make plans to separate .

The kids were in his life before you and should be his first priority.

Again this is a big reason why I as a child free woman don’t date men with kids! I think it creates an imbalanced relationship from the off since I’ll be prioritising him but he can’t in all fairness prioritise me over his kids. Especially if they’re still minors.

There’s no benefit in this for you. You earn more than him, you contribute more and you’re 15 years younger and he’s saddled you with his kids.

I’d say get out now and find a nice child free man your age.

I’m surprised on MN how many women are dating older men who are in a worse financial position than them and come with all sorts of baggage.I don’t date older men but if I did I’d expect a bit more from them.

and yeah of course the first years were amazing - why wouldn’t they have been? he managed to get himself a much younger woman who wants more than him that he is lining up to be a stepmother who subsides his kids. He probably couldn’t believe his luck.

Do you want kids of your own with him,OP? If so remember he’s shown you his poor parenting skills.

Completely agree with all of this - you must be prepared for them to move in up to 100% of the time even if it started out 50/50 or even 80/20.

I don’t think OP is married btw. Hopefully not.

@Earlofoats

Completely agree. I’m shocked how many young women who seem to have their act together at a relatively early age get taken in by cocklodgers old enough to be their fathers with more baggage than Heathrow then come on here when they’re trapped in a situation wondering how this occurred.

I know to an outsider, my situation might seem laughable, as if I brought it upon myself. I can't speak for everyone in a similar position, but I did gain something valuable from this relationship. He unknowingly became my motivation to improve and grow. I've never wanted to rely on a man, especially financially. When we started dating, he had a better job than me. Over the years, I worked harder, pushed myself to achieve my goals faster, and found a way to match his lifestyle comfortably on my own. After those few years, I succeeded, and I’m still growing.

It wasn’t just his charm that drew me to him—without even realizing it, he helped me become the person I wanted to be. That motivation was there 24/7 and that's what I needed.

I’ve shared my struggle here because I didn’t know who else to turn to. I was hoping to find someone with a similar experience to learn from or just get different perspectives. As mentioned I never thought of this coming from our age gap :/

“More baggage than Heathrow”

Lol… So true though!

I’m in my late 30s but I’ve told all my younger female relatives/friends who are 20s and just turning 30 to avoid this kind of set up. And I personally don’t entertain men in their 50s.

OP, you may or may not have improved your career life under his influence. There might have been another positive influence come along.

But look at your home and romantic life. Your house is a mess, you can't keep your own food from being scavenged by people who don't care that you will be hungry or could get extremely ill, and your partner is a piss poor parent and partner.

@ByAquaKoala

It sounds like what you're saying is that by the time you were the age that he was when you met him, you were more successful, out-earned him and had less "baggage".

If you were 20 and he was 35 for example when you met (I don't think we have your exact ages on this thread) I can see how the guidance of an older, more established person might appeal (although it's a bit creepy).

But the reality was he was probably quite average and women of your capabilities that were 35 at that time would have been more successful than him, so he wouldn't have seemed "enough" and would have passed on him as a potential mate.

15 years later and you are now looking at him through the eyes of the 35yr olds who dismissed him at the time you met. You're smarter, wealthier, harder-working, bring more to the table and take less away.

You're recognising that you could be with an equally successful 35yr old (with more hair and less of a Dad bod) who brings the same to the relationship as you and who has less baggage.

You are looking into the future and realising that when you're done raising his DC, there's a chance that you'll be caring for your DP, or he'll be retiring and you'll be bringing home the bacon that he survives on.

This is all hypotheses of course, but from the outside it looks like you are putting much more in than you're getting out of this relationship; maybe you've just outgrown him?