I don't want his children living with us anymore

[ByAquaKoala]

My partner and I have been dating for a while. He’s a bit older than me and has two children, whom I’ve always gotten along with. His kids (now 15 and 17 yrs old) primarily lived with their mother but would spend occasional weekends with us. The kids looked like they have been having problems with their mum (it was always so complicated) so when a couple of years ago, we bought a house together, one of his children decided to move in with us permanently, and the other now plans to spend more time here as well. I couldn’t say no, and I agreed — but I made it clear to my partner that he needed to set boundaries.

Since his divorce, he’s adopted a “fun dad” approach, allowing the kids to do whatever they want. While I understand why he’s doing this, it’s starting to impact me and our household.

I’ve never had children of my own, and honestly, I’m struggling to adjust. The house is constantly messy, no matter how much time I spend cleaning. The kids don’t contribute to any of the housework, which makes me feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. I go out of my way to buy groceries for everyone, including specific items tailored to my dietary needs, but they often eat my food. This has left me without anything suitable to eat at times, and I’ve had to skip breakfast until I can make a trip to the store.

I’ve spoken to my partner about these issues multiple times. He always says he’ll address it or talk to them, but nothing ever changes. Recently, he even suggested I lock away my food or label it with a pencil marker, which I found absolutely ridiculous.

I feel like I’m constantly sacrificing my own needs to cater to them. I never wanted to take on the role of “new mom,” and I was very clear about that from the beginning, but now it feels like that’s exactly what they all expect of me.

This is my home too, and I crave my own space, peace, and quiet. Lately, I’ve been feeling frustrated and even resentful about having them here so often. I feel terrible for thinking this way, and I know it’s not a nice feeling to have.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? I love my partner deeply, and aside from these issues, we get along so well. He’s truly special to me, and I don’t want this to end because of these challenges. But at the same time, I don’t know how much more I can take.

Teens are selfish twats in general but this is on your partner more than anything else.

Absolutely you should be able to tell them yourself that they're being selfish arseholes and to pack it in, help out and not touch your food unless they are going to immediately go to the shop to replace it. If you have never done that - try!

You need to be making sure that DP knows exactly how you are feeling and how close to breaking point you are now. He needs to sit his children down and tell them what's what. They both have certain chores they are responsible for every week, they clean up their own messes and they do not touch your food.

(Get yourself one of those fridge lock boxes.)

Neither is OP. And no, I'm not, because kids trump girlfriend ever time and I'd never ever put myself in that position. A stance many step parents should have had.

You're wrong on all of your points, btw.

So your problem is he's a shit dad.

by the way as an unrelated point if you edit a post to add a detail it helps to add ETA or edit so people don't argue about what was or wasn't in your original post.

Op edited her post at 10.22, minutes after someone asked the question.

@ByAquaKoala

It is always me stepping up and parent them to be honest. After while you just feel like the bad guy of the family

This is what it boils down to OP. Yes living with step children is testing and I’m sure you expected that but it shouldn’t be you who’s the one constantly facing the battles with them or trying to lay down rules.

Your issue here is your DP isn’t stepping up as a parent or a partner.

I do agree that their dad needs to get a grip and sort out their selfish, lazy behaviour.

But it’s ridiculous to suggest that only he should be dealing with them. At their ages it is totally reasonable for OP to tell them it’s all of their homes, including hers, and they all need to contribute to chores and stop being so greedy. And introduce consequences if they don’t. She can’t ground them, or withdraw phones or whatever, but she can stop doing a thing for them, including shopping for food.

The problem is OP doesn’t really want to parent them. I wouldn’t either. So it really is down to read their dad the riot act or end the relationship.

This is your situation and it sounds like you both make it work. OP is saying her partner is unwilling to change. Do you really think she can change his behaviour, or do you think maybe she needs to choose between accepting the situation or moving on.

you can’t really change people if they don’t want to change, you can only change how you respond to them.

Op, you will be living with these kids for another five years probably so it's time to put some rules in place in your home.
The living arrangement needs to be sustainable for you all.

At age seventeen any person should know how to clean up after their own life.
Quietly watch and take notes of their behaviour. Formulate the rules and boudaries you need addressed for you to keep living there happily for five years. Discuss with your partner and come to agreement on the boundaries he is prepared to back.

Support each other to instruct and teach by example how to live respectfully with other adults.

If you find your partner is not on board, leave and take your share of the house. (That will mean your SC will not have a nice place to live so it is in their best interests too, that they learn to clean up after themselves.)

yes his crap parenting is impacting on her- all the more reason not to shack up with a man with kids.

Just buy lactose free / gluten free things. Arrange for a food delivery to come once a week and add what you want. Then ask hubby to add anything he wants for him and the kids.

Agreed on days you cook and days he cooks. Get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week and split the cost with your husband. This will lower your resentment.

Take time out - once a week/fortnight go for a night away / a spa day or something. Get out of the house.

Unless daddy dearest is going to lay some ground rules, or you - it's your house too - this will continue.

Some things I do, or did, because it seemed to have worked are, this was 2DS, 1DSS & 1DSD:

Put a meal plan on the fridge which showed their meals for week but I also had my own separate one so they could see what I was eating and new not to eat that (dietary stuff much like yourself)

I gave myself one of the drawers in the fridge, which was out of bounds, everything else is free game

I had a drawer upstairs with my biscuits, sweets, snacks, etc. I also used to leave stuff in the boot of the car @😂

Stuff lying around, pick it up and dump it in their room just as they walk through the door, and i mean everything, if they have not put their coat on a hook, it goes in their room. Shoes left in the hallway, in their room. Rubbish left out, in their room Wet towels on the bathroom floor, went in their room (works particularly well if you put it on their bed or their pillow).

i must admit i did majority of the cleaning but it's because if i asked them to help, they didn't do it thorough enough but then it was only kitchen, bathrooms and hoovering really - I never cleaned there bedrooms and they all changed their own bedding.

Are your DSC boys or girls?

Ok sorry, apologies to all, I did wonder why another poster also asked their ages!

Re: the food -
You don’t need to literally lock it up, but having a labelled drawer in the fridge they know is out of bounds should sort this - give or take a couple of initial teething missteps where they learn you are not kidding.

Ditto a labelled bread bin with your bread and biscuits etc. Anyone touching them loses their phone for 48 hours. Amazing how that focuses the teenage mind…

Protect your food , make it clear, speak up, but it's his kids and they have a right to live with their dad.

He's a shit dad and a shit partner. His laziness impacts you. You decide if you are prepared to tolerate it.

Teenagers will always be selfish but you can fight back. But you have to tell them and their Dad what the rules are. So your foods are not to be touched. They live in the house so need to learn that it is not okay to leave a mess and think about their house mates. If they leave a mess - be it coats, their stuff, or dirty plates - they will be picked up and dumped them in their rooms for them to deal with at their leisure. If push comes to shove - they can go back home to their DM and your DH can go too!!
Reiterate that you are not their mother and have no intentions of being their skivvy to ignore and abuse (by eating your dietary foods) If all else fails - don't cater for them or Disney Dad and buy your meals to cook and prepare for yourself on a daily basis. It will be a pain and a nuisance but if there is no food to eat of any kind they will learn that they have outstayed their welcome.

Have you given him an ultimatum? I think you need to tell DP that he needs to step up, allowing the kids free reign isn’t helping them in the long run. Devise a set of rules with him and he sits them down and tells them.

No more eating food of yours, label it for clarity.
No leaving clothes, shoes bags around.
Put their rubbish in the bin.
Plates in the dishwasher.
Do their own laundry, give them a time when they have access to the machine.
Bedrooms tidy.

Give them chores. They can cook a meal each once a week. Something simple like fajitas, or prepared chicken thing.
Put out the bins.
Hoovering.
Cleaning their bathroom.
Mopping the floor.

Its perfectly possible to live with teenagers without it being a nightmare, they may even be quite nice once they have been whipped into shape.

But if it doesn’t happen be prepared to leave. Give them 6 months.

It'd be better if you ask mods to take your post to the step parent forum instead of leaving it here.

FWIW you are in a very difficult position. You don't have children, and your partner is a Disney dad refusing to parent his children. Teenagers are mostly awful - they don't clean, they take stuff from the fridge or pantry without giving a fig about anyone else. They are moody and sometimes hateful.....but because we are parents, we put up with it hoping their personalities will improve with time. It does. But takes time and loads and loads of love.

If your partner can't parent his children, you have a problem. A problem you've raised with him while he still does nothing except suggest stupid advice to level your own food - as if levelling food is going to stop a teen from grabbing and eating it.

Many relationships fail, not because of lack of love, but because circumstances in daily living make it impossible when partners have very different priorities.

In your case, I'd consider leaving the relationship.

We don't know that though. I have three boys similar ages, and no matter what I do or don't do, they pinch the food I've bought for myself and leave all their crap hanging around. They will help tidy if I get really stern or annoyed, but they're teens, it's really quite normal no matter how infuriating for them to constantly press buttons and push boundaries.

No you shouldn't have to lock your food away, but a practical point needs to be made. Get a couple of these boxes. One for the fridge & one for your bread etc.

Tell your partner that he can either get them doing their own chores, or he does it. Stop picking up after them. I would detest cleaning up and then coming back to a pigsty because teens are too selfish, lazy & blinkered to clear up after themselves. You jointly own this home. It should be the place you can relax.

How much does your partner actually do round the house? Does he do any shopping? If not maybe suggest he does it from now. Let it be his responsibility & realise how much his greedy bottomless pit teens eat & how often the fridge needs filling. Keep buying your own special food, he'll probably get the wrong stuff or "forget".

Things will only change when it negatively impacts daddy dearest. Give yourself a realistic time frame. If he won't change the situation then the relationship will inevitably end because the resentment and frustration will not be worth it.

he's able to be the fun dad because he's got you being the bad cop, and this dynamic is never going to change. You are going to have to move out and go back to dating - can he afford to buy you out? It's a shame you didn't foresee this before you bought a house together, and unravelling it might cost you your relationship, but I can't see the situation changing whilst you all live together, so it's either mum up or move out

Parents and kids are a package deal regardless of their ages. If you don't relish the thought of them being in your life, for the rest of your life, you should move on.

@Rhythmisadancer I don’t think he’ll be able to. He used all his savings to cover half for the house. I earn more than he does, so sometimes I end up taking care of extra things myself. I know I’m probably being naive here, and it’s on me to take the big step. The first few years of our relationship were amazing, but ever since we moved in together and have his children permanently, things have started to change.

I solve this by plonking any crap left in the communal areas into his bedroom, and he can choose to live in a pit if he wants in a way that doesn't impact the rest of us, and having plenty of food that is his to help himself to. I know teenagers are selfish twats at heart but there are ways to manage it and put in boundaries.

The groundwork for teen expectations has to be laid early on. In your case, it isn't. It's going to be an uphill battle from here on in as teens with a casual structure don't always respond to micromanaging.
I'd have your boxes and keep them separate, have a meeting and expect to see small changes. Teens can be a nuisance for this type of behaviour.
Even in blood-related families, teens can be a frosty issue and a source of frustration.