I don't want his children living with us anymore

[ByAquaKoala]

My partner and I have been dating for a while. He’s a bit older than me and has two children, whom I’ve always gotten along with. His kids (now 15 and 17 yrs old) primarily lived with their mother but would spend occasional weekends with us. The kids looked like they have been having problems with their mum (it was always so complicated) so when a couple of years ago, we bought a house together, one of his children decided to move in with us permanently, and the other now plans to spend more time here as well. I couldn’t say no, and I agreed — but I made it clear to my partner that he needed to set boundaries.

Since his divorce, he’s adopted a “fun dad” approach, allowing the kids to do whatever they want. While I understand why he’s doing this, it’s starting to impact me and our household.

I’ve never had children of my own, and honestly, I’m struggling to adjust. The house is constantly messy, no matter how much time I spend cleaning. The kids don’t contribute to any of the housework, which makes me feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. I go out of my way to buy groceries for everyone, including specific items tailored to my dietary needs, but they often eat my food. This has left me without anything suitable to eat at times, and I’ve had to skip breakfast until I can make a trip to the store.

I’ve spoken to my partner about these issues multiple times. He always says he’ll address it or talk to them, but nothing ever changes. Recently, he even suggested I lock away my food or label it with a pencil marker, which I found absolutely ridiculous.

I feel like I’m constantly sacrificing my own needs to cater to them. I never wanted to take on the role of “new mom,” and I was very clear about that from the beginning, but now it feels like that’s exactly what they all expect of me.

This is my home too, and I crave my own space, peace, and quiet. Lately, I’ve been feeling frustrated and even resentful about having them here so often. I feel terrible for thinking this way, and I know it’s not a nice feeling to have.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? I love my partner deeply, and aside from these issues, we get along so well. He’s truly special to me, and I don’t want this to end because of these challenges. But at the same time, I don’t know how much more I can take.

Sorry OP but on balance YABU. This is partly why I refused to date anyone with kids. Because you can't control how their parenting will be and how any arrangements will pan out. They're his teenage children. Of course they were going to live with him full or part time, not visit sometimes and it always be nice. Your expectations were wildly off.

Thing about boundaries and expectations is that you have to enforce them. This means by voting with your feet ultimately. If DH doesn't make the changes or compromises you want, you have to separate. But I think you were overly optimistic that things would stay exactly as you wanted. Stop subsidising the family, whatever that looks like. Get strict about your food.

My son lives in a communal living situation and he has said his lockable fridge is the best thing he has ever owned. It was about £60. I think you should do that. You could always put the bread in there as well. He puts whatever he doesn't want people stealing in his.

Give it one more try and say I need this food because of my allergies/
Intolerance or whatever it is.
If it gets eaten get the lockable fridge.

Also could your partner get a cleaner as it's his children making all the mess? Then just get them to keep their stuff in their rooms.

You did

She edited her OP to add them later. See top of p2.

I really appreciate all the comments! Most of my friends aren't parents, so I'm truly grateful to everyone who has shared their perspectives and ideas, thank you! I'll try some suggestions, and if they work, that would be amazing because I really do want things to work out.

That said, I want to address one thing: I don’t quite understand why so many people are suggesting that I move out of my own house. I paid for half of it and furnished it entirely on my own. It’s not just my partner’s house or his kids’—it’s mine too

Just a thought from the expense side of things! Assuming the teenagers are still in education - are you and DH getting their Child benefit? If not - you can rectify that and then use that to offset the cost of feeding them. Their DM should not be having their CB if she is not caring for them.

We don't claim any. His ex apparently was and not sure if she is still claiming whilst they don't live with her. My partner doesn't get along with his ex, don't think they have spoken to each other, all communication usually goes through their children.

This! If my DS16 ate someone’s food that he had been asked not to, I would (1) bollock my son, and (2) head out to Tesco.

I think you start with DP and spell out that this is not acceptable and if he doesn’t do some proper parenting you aren’t staying in this relationship and the house will be sold.

It took one reminder for my DS16 to remember to tell us when he opens the last bottle of milk - he drinks a lot. I spelled it out that failure to tell me means he is walking to the mini Morrisons to get more milk if we run out.

Teens need to be trained. But your DP needs a rocket up his arse.

If the relationship ends, it doesn't matter who moves out. The house is 50/50 in both your names. The person moving out stops paying the mortgage, as he/she will be paying rent somewhere else to live. That's how a court always looks at this issue if there is a conflict.

Don't focus yet on logistics of who moves out until you make a decision if you can live with your situation at home. Putting paddocks on a fridge or having your own food under lock is not the way to live in your own home. You don't deserve this kind of prison.

Either your partner steps up and be an effective parent to make you feel safe and comfortable in your own home, or he doesn't.

OP, can I ask what the age difference is between you and your DP?

Your relationship doesn't seem to be very equal.

He seems to be making all the decisions in your home, you seem to be doing all the grunt work; I'm wondering if his treatment of you like an underling is because he met you when you were quite young and he's been "training" you to take on the jobs he doesn't want to do.

Child benefit lasts until a child is 19 as long as they are in education. Your H is being very blase not applying for it as it is for things for the children ie food clothes etc
Is his Ex paying towards her kids ? She should be!
He sounds like he’s expecting you to plug a financial hole in part that should be funded by CB & CSA. In reality he should be paying 3x more than you as he has 3 to 1 . It would pay for a cleaner although realistically you need to have the 3 of them respecting your home and you .

Talk to him . He needs to get his act in order if he wants your relationship to work .
I suspect if his kids weren’t slobs and he parented and contributed emotionally, physically and financially you wouldn’t be as unhappy.
I do think voting with your feet would bring the message home that this issue needs addressing properly

I'd assume 'move out' or similar is shorthand for you be the one to initiate steps to separate and divvy up finances via the correct channels if it comes to that rather than just you leave your property behind. I'd read the advice as such anyway.

It wasn’t there initially. She went back and edited.

It's worth applying for as if his ex is claiming - it can be changed over to you or your DH without involving the teenagers or DM.

Hmm, interesting observation because we are quite a bit apart. About 15 years gap. Never thought of it that way though

You're 15 years younger? Thought so OP. Almost a generation between you.

However I say this is going to sound patronising, and it's not meant to be, so please don't take it that way.

I believe I've been on this planet a lot longer than you and I have seen the situation that you are in many, many times.

A man who isn't much of a husband or a father gets divorced/separated from the mother of his DC, often because the wife isn't prepared to put up with his BS anymore.

So the man moves onto someone with less life experience. Possibly someone without strong parental guidance, maybe estranged from her parents or even orphaned (even if that's later in life) and the man swoops in, all charm and loveliness, promises a home, a family, to be a loving partner and long future together and the (most often) much younger woman falls for it.

The home is set up, the woman contributes equally financially and then the boiling of the frog happens. Over time the woman finds herself doing more of the chores, more of the cooking and cleaning and laundry and domestic labour. Sometimes the financial input increases too.

If there are children involved, the woman ends up cooking for them, cleaning up after them, watching them whilst the man goes to the gym/plays golf/focuses on his career.

But all of this happens over time, until one day the frog realises she's in boiling water and jumps out of the pot to safety or gets burnt alive.

There are a lot of women on this board who can see you're the frog. This man hasn't run you a warm bath, he's slowly increased the temperature (workload/negative impact on your life) until you're boiling alive.

Please jump.

This man doesn't want a partner, he wants an apprentice who has been trained just so.

Your partner being a fun dad lazy parent is at odds with your request for boundaries. Them having little to zero boundaries is probably what makes your home more attractive to them.

This isn’t a teen problem, this is a lazy parent/ partner problem. Deal with the root of the problem and that’s your partner. Discipline and boundaries are part of being an effective parent, your partner’s laziness shows how little he respects you and more importantly, how much he cares about his responsibilities as a parent.

This. I don't think anyone's suggesting you just hand over the keys.

Another option, in my book, is stay in the relationship but go back to living separately. It's more nuclear than locking up your food and probably wouldn't work for a lot of people, but it would give you your life back and be much "stronger" than just hoping your partner will change himself and his kids for you.

Living with older teens can be complicated and challenging even when you love them a lot. They 100% should leave your food alone but is fixing that enough?

As an older woman, I 100% agree and I’ve seen the situation too many times as well.

As a step parent and have been for a very long time, i understand your situation.
The children I am guessing will not a blind bit of notice of what you say and the instructions if will have to come your partner. Kids of that age will never clear up even if they are your own. You only have to look in their bedrooms.
All you can do is very firmly express your feelings even though you have done it before. If all else fails leave. I'm afraid

I don't know if you're confused but I clearly said I put food that is specifically for me in a drawer in the fridge.

@graffittimonkey that's an excellent post. I hope OP can see that she is indeed the frog.

If it wasn't exactly these issues it would likely be something else. Very few people get through the teenage years without a big sigh of relief. And if only it was down to parenting correctly !

Sounds as though your partner should also be receiving Child Maintenance from his ex…

OP the problem is not the kids but your partner! If he doesn't parent them well and there are no rules and clear expectations then it's going to be hell on earth! The children are old enough to tidy up after themselves and respect the rules but the father is not doing anything to actually reinforce that.
And I have a feeling that what you're actually most upset about is his passivity because while children can be challenging it makes a huge difference when a parent actually does their job to teach and guide them.