I don't want his children living with us anymore

[ByAquaKoala]

My partner and I have been dating for a while. He’s a bit older than me and has two children, whom I’ve always gotten along with. His kids (now 15 and 17 yrs old) primarily lived with their mother but would spend occasional weekends with us. The kids looked like they have been having problems with their mum (it was always so complicated) so when a couple of years ago, we bought a house together, one of his children decided to move in with us permanently, and the other now plans to spend more time here as well. I couldn’t say no, and I agreed — but I made it clear to my partner that he needed to set boundaries.

Since his divorce, he’s adopted a “fun dad” approach, allowing the kids to do whatever they want. While I understand why he’s doing this, it’s starting to impact me and our household.

I’ve never had children of my own, and honestly, I’m struggling to adjust. The house is constantly messy, no matter how much time I spend cleaning. The kids don’t contribute to any of the housework, which makes me feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. I go out of my way to buy groceries for everyone, including specific items tailored to my dietary needs, but they often eat my food. This has left me without anything suitable to eat at times, and I’ve had to skip breakfast until I can make a trip to the store.

I’ve spoken to my partner about these issues multiple times. He always says he’ll address it or talk to them, but nothing ever changes. Recently, he even suggested I lock away my food or label it with a pencil marker, which I found absolutely ridiculous.

I feel like I’m constantly sacrificing my own needs to cater to them. I never wanted to take on the role of “new mom,” and I was very clear about that from the beginning, but now it feels like that’s exactly what they all expect of me.

This is my home too, and I crave my own space, peace, and quiet. Lately, I’ve been feeling frustrated and even resentful about having them here so often. I feel terrible for thinking this way, and I know it’s not a nice feeling to have.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? I love my partner deeply, and aside from these issues, we get along so well. He’s truly special to me, and I don’t want this to end because of these challenges. But at the same time, I don’t know how much more I can take.

I'd just sell up, or have him buy you out, and move out.

OP edited her post to add the ages.

Don’t be so quick to judge.

But is he though, or is he leaving all the work for Op to do? Yes teenagers can be lazy and messy but it’s the parents job to gee them along and get them to pick up after themselves, Op isn’t their parent and their actual parent is happy to sit back because it isn’t affecting him directly. If Op wants this situation to change she needs to make him feel some discomfort too.

God they are awful at that age. You could have been speaking about my own flesh and blood.
You can just about tolerate your own but somebody else's, no.
I had a locked cupboard when DS was that age otherwise he would have eaten everything in the house.
Surely they will be off soon to uni or college or something. I doubt they will want to live at home forever.
We would have family conferences where I would read the riot act. Do this or you can go and live with your dad! That usually worked, he didn't want to live with his dad.

Take the blinkers off, you are not his partner, you're his nanny with a fanny.

By living with you he gets to share his housing costs, he gets a cook, a cleaner, his laundry done, his kids taken care off and his sexual needs taken care of, all by someone who has zero autonomy about what goes on in her own home.

You get a man. Ungrateful children to care for. No say in how they're brought up, no peace. Additional costs of food and bills etc

It's all upside for him and mostly downside for you.

What's the point of this relationship?

Why can't you (nicely) address the food issues with them? Explain why it's important due to dietary requirements etc. they are grown up enough to understand.

These are your partners children. They are part of his life, they gone first. If you wish to remain with him you are going to have to stop feeling resentful of them and realise that this is also THEIR HOME.
This is the reality when you date someone who already has children.

If you can't get past this then maybe you should consider whether everyone (including you) would be happier if you left. Children do pick up on resentment towards them after all.

It wasn’t in the original OP, OP edited it.

not really stepping up playing "good dad" all the time and not setting boundaries. If you mean not disappearing then he's done that, but from what OP says, he's not "stepping up".

Sure, this is teenagers being teenagers, but the dad also needs to parent them and teach them that some of this selfish behaviour isn't okay. They are old enough to be contributing to the running of the household in terms of things like cooking and cleaning. But it's really hard in your position to be the one to enforce that so he needs to understand and be that person.

If they are eating your food can you shift the food you buy so there's more of the stuff you and they are eating? Or is it a bit unpredictable?

Again, why should she leave? He’s the one raising his kids to be disrespectful of OP, HE should leave.

I am celiac and lactose intolerant. I buy specifically food like bread and yoghurts for me and normal for them. But they choose to eat the lactose/ gluten free items first before eating the usual stuff. I did try just buying the special diet items only but that's not good enough either

Agree with @StrawberrySquash.

Kids, in my experience are like this. Well mine are anyway, so they need guidance dnd guidelines. He should be doing that, not you.

Also @vodkaredbullgirl was being sarcastic I think!

You did! It's in brackets on your post! People just CBA to read fully!

🤦🏻‍♀️

They shouldn’t eat your special food, if it’s gluten free I have seen just how much more costs as MIL buys it. I would just lock the food away, teens are like hoovers food wise especially if boys.

What housework does Dad do ? That’s a non negotiable, everyone pitches in. Don’t do any laundry for anyone but you, let their rooms smell, do not change sheets, just shut their doors.

I find men need a rocket up their backsides to believe you. I complained to my first BF about issues. He didn’t do a thing, I left him, I was very young. It’s death of a thousand cuts. He then said he would do XY and Z but it was too late.

The post was edited to add the ages.

And your partner just accepts this?

You must see this man does not care about you?

I couldn’t live like this. Surely the relationship doesn’t have to end just because you aren’t living together?

I would sell up, move out and just date him.

The OP edited it to add the ages.

OP what was their reaction when you explained your dietary needs and asked them not to eat the things you need to?

Fine either way. Doesn’t matter who stays in the house just OP shouldn’t stay with him if she can’t accept the children in her life long term.

Please read the full thread (including OP edits) before being an arse about it.

I think it’s fair to point out to the DCs that you cannot eat anything other than food that meets your dietary requirements. By eating this and not ‘their food’ they are ensuring that you cannot eat. Point out if they continue to eat this specific food, the you will only but this specific food. They are not babies, they can understand this.
I also think at their ages they are more than capable of clearing up after themselves.
Tell them that if they go into the kitchen then they must clean up after themselves, again they are not babies why on earth should teenagers not clean up?
Teenagers are hard work.
It’s bad enough when they are your own flesh and blood, never mind when they are not yours.

Your partner isn’t listening to you or respecting your feelings.

You need to have a serious talk with him and be clear that if changes aren’t made this will lead to the breakdown of your relationship.

Step parents are always told to put up and shut up but you deserve to be happy in your own home.

living with somebody else’s children is a lot to ask of someone so the least your partner could do is make sure you’re being respected.

Why is it that you can't say to a 15 and 17 year old "don't eat my GF food please, the normal ones are there for you to have"?