I don't want his children living with us anymore

[ByAquaKoala]

My partner and I have been dating for a while. He’s a bit older than me and has two children, whom I’ve always gotten along with. His kids (now 15 and 17 yrs old) primarily lived with their mother but would spend occasional weekends with us. The kids looked like they have been having problems with their mum (it was always so complicated) so when a couple of years ago, we bought a house together, one of his children decided to move in with us permanently, and the other now plans to spend more time here as well. I couldn’t say no, and I agreed — but I made it clear to my partner that he needed to set boundaries.

Since his divorce, he’s adopted a “fun dad” approach, allowing the kids to do whatever they want. While I understand why he’s doing this, it’s starting to impact me and our household.

I’ve never had children of my own, and honestly, I’m struggling to adjust. The house is constantly messy, no matter how much time I spend cleaning. The kids don’t contribute to any of the housework, which makes me feel overwhelmed and unappreciated. I go out of my way to buy groceries for everyone, including specific items tailored to my dietary needs, but they often eat my food. This has left me without anything suitable to eat at times, and I’ve had to skip breakfast until I can make a trip to the store.

I’ve spoken to my partner about these issues multiple times. He always says he’ll address it or talk to them, but nothing ever changes. Recently, he even suggested I lock away my food or label it with a pencil marker, which I found absolutely ridiculous.

I feel like I’m constantly sacrificing my own needs to cater to them. I never wanted to take on the role of “new mom,” and I was very clear about that from the beginning, but now it feels like that’s exactly what they all expect of me.

This is my home too, and I crave my own space, peace, and quiet. Lately, I’ve been feeling frustrated and even resentful about having them here so often. I feel terrible for thinking this way, and I know it’s not a nice feeling to have.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you handle it? I love my partner deeply, and aside from these issues, we get along so well. He’s truly special to me, and I don’t want this to end because of these challenges. But at the same time, I don’t know how much more I can take.

Your latest post indicates just how serious your food issues are. What a bunch of selfish people you live with.

I am so sorry you are being treated badly because you are.

You did. People don’t read the posts properly 😊

@Choccyscofffy

I meant leave as in leave the relationship. Who keeps the house isn't relevant.

Posters are being very unfair to you. It's understandable you feel this way and the food issue isn't on- they are old enough to understand that you need specific food items for a good reason and to not eat them and stick to their own. I'm not surprised you feel fed up with the situation. The teenagers are showing no respect and dp isn't interested in supporting you. Of course its good that he's providing a home for his dc but that doesn't mean you should have to put up with this. I'd be upset as well. Maybe tell dp firmly that you're not happy and things need to change- kids stop eating your food and clean up after themselves, for starters.

Bollocks. I have a teen and have a DH who isn't his dad. I don't let my teen do things that negatively impact on my DH even if I might be inclined to let them slide if it was just me. Likewise when his kids are here he makes the effort to teach them to be tidier and quieter than he would care about if he was living on his own. When you share a home there is a baseline of consideration you have to give to your partner when parenting your separate kids.

@ByAquaKoala
Unfortunately teenagers are the most selfish creatures to walk the earth and the teenage years is actually the hardest phase of parenting.
As a parent it is hard to put up with a lot of the teenage behaviours however the natural unwavering love we have for our DC mitigate this. Their attitude does sound very typical of that age group unfortunately, therefore you need to reinforce what you won’t tolerate.

You chose to have a relationship with your partner who had DC, the DC’s had no choice in the matter.

It's your house. I think he needs to move out and find a home for him and his kids. Then he can cater for and clean up after them himself. They are his children and his responsibility. Unfortunately, you have become the nanny with a fanny. He needs to do his and their share, get them to do their share or get out of your house.

Just sell the house or have him buy you out. I'm childfree and no money on earth could get me to date a man with a kid, nevermind live with them.
Life is for enjoying.

No, she edited it in, obviously. They did read properly.

OP if you don't want to.live with them,move out. It's their home with their father, and kids trump girlfriend every time.

Yeah, that needs hammering down on. Especially if there are alternatives available. I'd hope it's just thoughtlessness and a teenage following of trends, but you have a medical need that trumps their adherence to instagram trends.
Can you have a separate fridge, in a lockable room? If I was left with nothing whilst the fridge is still full of alternatives, I'd be blowing a gasket.
Honestly, I'd go for my own fridge and I'd let them empty the other and see how long it took their father to restock it. I'm mad on your behalf.

You describe your relationship as "dating" yet you live together.

You're going to hate this but I do wonder if you'd be better living apart for a few years. You can't really change him and the combination of his current parenting style, annoyances of living with teens you don't want too live with and the drip, drip of your lack of privacy and calm is only going to drive a wedge between you.

Also I may be completely wrong on this but hear me out. Parents' relationship with their teens should develop and change, especially in late teens. We need to change our interactions with them, meet them more adult to adult. Trying to parent them like they are 10 or 12 would just backfire. It's telling from your OP that it is impossible to guess the age of his kids, and I wonder if you are being unrealistic about what parenting a 17 year old looks like.

My friend moved in with her partner, kids of similar ages and she said they were rude and disrespectful, never took their plate to the sink etc. She had no children of her own. She started to enforce some rules and bring more order to the house, it worked really well and eveyone was a lot happier knowing what was what. have you thought about a family contract, clear guidelines and some house rules. It is totally fair for you to initiate something like that, but come up with the rules together. Have a separate cupboard for your food too and say that this stuff is for your diet, if they want the same stuff then needs to go on thw shopping list as a separate item. I think a busy house needs some rules/guidelines just like anywhere else does to make sure everyone is on the same page. It sounds like you can resolve it but might need to take the initiative.

You let your kids take food that you've bought specially for yourself because of your dietary needs without putting in any restrictions and let them leave crap all over the house? More fool you

Okay sorry I didn’t realise ☺️

It's difficult when it's someone else's kids. Even your partners.

You can't expect him to choose you over his kids, OP.

Whilst YANBU to want them to behave with a certain level of respect in your home, if they refuse to and he fails to deal with it, your only options are to put up with it or move out and try to force a sale of the house.

Hindsight is 20:20 but it wasn't really a good idea to buy a house in this situation.

However lovely you say he is, in reality he's a crap dad and a crap partner. Luckily for him, you're on hand to scurry around tidying up after him and his DC.

Let me guess….you’re not a step parent.

Its funny how step parents are told to put up and shut up and that the kids trump the adults every time however if it was a parent complaining about their own child’s behaviour or disrespect towards them, they would be told to get control of their child and that it’s unacceptable for the child to behave that way. There’s no “kids trump adults” attitude when it’s biological children involved only when it comes to step parents.

so you've spoken to your partner about the issues, he says he will deal with but he doesn't? Have you spoken directly to his children regarding the food items? Have you specifically told them not to eat XYZ items as you can't have alternatives to these? If yes, what did they say?

Personally, I'd have blown a gasket by now. You'll need to sit them down and draw it with crayons if necessary to spell out what you don't want them to eat.

As for keeping things clean and tidy, you need to be like a broken record. Alternatively, pick up anything that's theirs and dump on their bed.

If you can't/don't want to do that, you need to consider moving out to your own place so you have the peace and quiet you crave whilst Disney Dad stays with his messy kids!

That's why he needs to step up and parent properly. The poster I was responding to said she would have the same problem if she had her own kids. Only if she was also a slack parent.

Live separately from him until the kids leave home?

Did you not read ops post they are 15 and 17.

It's usually any type of excuse.. sorry I didn't know that.. But I really wanted yoghurt.. this tastes much better.. it's not my fault.

I know lots are saying lock this things up and I guess that is solution. But how crazy it's to lock my own items in my own home and carrying a key with me every time I want to have some food.

It is always me stepping up and parent them to be honest. After while you just feel like the bad guy of the family

It's your house. Set them all rules, the three of them. My cupboard, my food. You eat, you wash the plate. If these rules aren't followed, it's back to mums. All of you. If they are living with you then the parent role is in place whether you like it or not, so unfortunately you have to do this. And, I bet, the teenagers will respect this. They are not kids any more.