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Original poster

Bored with my long distance relationship

123 replies

Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 19:29

Hi,

Been in a long distance relationship for 18 months now. The guy im seeing, I've known since uni, years ago.

We were friends back then, went our separate ways for years, reconnected a few years ago and he has been to see me many times in that time. I'm a lone parent, don't get a lot of free time so still haven't been to where he lives, he lives at the opposite end of the country.

18 months ago we decided to date. He has consistently visited me every few weeks in that time.

He doesn't know this but I'm starting to get bored. He has deep feelings for me and talks about moving closer to me, but at the moment he has a business venture in its start up which should make money in about 12 months time. When that becomes profitable he says he would like to move to be closer to me.

We speak every day on WhatsApp and video call each other about 3x per week.

I just think I'm getting bored. He's a lovely guy, genuinely sweet and has real affection for me as I do him. But realistically he doesn't have much about him. I feel awful saying this. His social skills are not great as he is an introvert. He doesn't really do fun/ interesting things. Stays more at home. I'm starting to feel we aren't as compatible as I first envisaged. I'm genuinely bored of our conversations.

He treats me so well, he's well mannered, respects me, would never hurt me, always makes time for me etc. I feel conflicted. Should I end it?

OP posts:
Whatabouthow · 15/01/2025 19:39

Yes, you should end it. You're just not that into him.

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 19:44

I'm starting to think this but I would hurt him deeply.

OP posts:
Whatabouthow · 15/01/2025 19:45

Yep, he will be hurt, that's inevitable. But it's much much worse to string him along and potentially reach the point of him uprooting his life for you only for it to fail at that point.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 15/01/2025 19:47

Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 19:44

I'm starting to think this but I would hurt him deeply.

So what? He'll get over it. He's only going to be hurt more and for longer if you put it off. The sooner you do it the sooner he's over you and free to meet someone else or make alt plans like travelling etc.

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 19:52

I know. Realistically uprooting is likely to be longer than 12 months away, but it's his time frame in his mind. When he talks about moving I always tell him if never ask him to do that. He seems content where he is, it wouldn't make sense for him to move. Also his business will be based where he lives.

He's never really been truly independent. He's 40. I'm late 30s. He is very bookish (nothing wrong with that) but he's never really lived his "own" life and never had much drive about him. Can it work? I like to be busy and take an interest in things and like people who I can talk in depth with. My guy lacks the life experience side of things - his longest relationship before me is less than 6 months and he's been single for all of his life really. And he lacks get-up-and-go and social skills around people he doesn't know.

But he is so kind, and genuine and decent and sweet and he would do anything for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 20:06

He's just messaged me now and I'm leaving it before I reply. Can already guess what the convo will be, just humdrum about today's non events.

OP posts:
teenmaw · 15/01/2025 22:30

Op the qualities in him are some of the ones that I'm struggling to find in a man. I've dated all sorts of exciting, handsome ones and they've turned out to be emotionally unavailable bell ends that cause me no end of upset, confusion and grief. Think before you end this as you're maybe overlooking some good qualities that don't necessarily set your knickers on fire but that is not a priority when choosing a partner trust me!

Snowmanscarf · 15/01/2025 22:35

End it. It’s not the relationship for you. Yes, he will be hurt, but what’s the alternative, you staying in the relationship and stringing him along. You’ll start to resent him (if you’re not already).

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 22:51

His good qualities are what perhaps every woman yearns for, this is true. He has many good qualities.

I get mental stimulation from my work, my colleagues, my friends, and my hobbies and interests which are varied. But when I talk with my guy I feel he doesn't make me feel like "wow, that was a thought provoking conversation". We talk about our daily lives but he's not as expressive as me in having or at least sharing opinions. A lot of what he talks about is things we have done together as well, sort of like "I remember when you did x, y, z" like a fond memory to look back on. Which is all well and good but I want someone who challenges me, makes me think about things, offers insightful intelligence to conversations and most of all has an opinion on things.

I'm reluctant to break off with him yet as we get on great and truly are friends fwiw. Is it worth me discussing how I feel and seeing if anything changes?

OP posts:
Bittenonce · 15/01/2025 22:59

If you’re bored now - will you just be more bored later?

Firingsz · 15/01/2025 23:01

OP, you are not compatible.
You are wasting your time.
It would be a disaster to stay with him.
Shared interest in chatting to each other, having a laugh together are the glue of a long successful relationship IMO.
When things get tough enjoying the very basics of a connection with someone you like is critical.
Hold out for it.

hedgehogsinthehedgerow · 15/01/2025 23:01

Long distance relationships are hard. Better to end it now before he does a whole relocation, if you're not that into him.

MaxTalk · 15/01/2025 23:03

I'm not into people with no drive. Nothing is more of a turn off. Dump and run.

LostittoBostik · 15/01/2025 23:03

Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 19:44

I'm starting to think this but I would hurt him deeply.

Not as much as if he found out that you were stringing things along for years while you knew your heart wasn't in it.

The right thing to do is to set him free

zerogrey · 15/01/2025 23:04

Better to end it now before the boredom turns into resentment.

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 23:07

MaxTalk · 15/01/2025 23:03

I'm not into people with no drive. Nothing is more of a turn off. Dump and run.

That's the negative side of him. The positives are great. He has some drive or he wouldn't be doing his business but that's mostly happenstance. It's a family thing, he doesn't actually need to work and never really has done which is why I think 1) it's hindered his social skills and life experience and 2) he doesn't have drive because he's never known hardship and wanted better.

But his positives are more than these things. I do admit its hard to feel satisfied with someone who has never really had to strive for things and has clung to his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 23:08

I think the distance has helped the relationship feel zesty for so long but now I'm longing for stimulating conversation.

OP posts:
H112 · 16/01/2025 02:33

If he was the one he would have moved closer by now

suburberphobe · 16/01/2025 02:43

has clung to his family.

I'd find that clausterphobic if I was expected "to slot in" with his family.

onceuponatimelived · 16/01/2025 02:47

Do you consider that he could also be bored with you which is why he hasn't chosen to move closer to you and not be in a long distance relationship?

If someone loves you they will move to any corner of the earth just to be with you.

Call it quits, you can both do better and be happier from the sounds of things! 💐

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 06:43

H112 · 16/01/2025 02:33

If he was the one he would have moved closer by now

No, he has invested money in the business prior to us getting together, it wouldn't make sense for him to move now. In the future, I'm not sure I want him to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 06:44

onceuponatimelived · 16/01/2025 02:47

Do you consider that he could also be bored with you which is why he hasn't chosen to move closer to you and not be in a long distance relationship?

If someone loves you they will move to any corner of the earth just to be with you.

Call it quits, you can both do better and be happier from the sounds of things! 💐

Without being big headed I doubt it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 06:49

He talks about moving and marriage all the time. I don't bring it up. He's content where he is, but says it doesn't feel like home because he was born and raised in the county I still live in. He only moved up north because he was living with his parents here. They all moved together when he was about 30. He lives with them still.

OP posts:
12purplepencils · 16/01/2025 06:56

I think if there’s could communication it can work when couples have different social personalities to each other. BUT if you simply aren’t enjoying his conversation and his company then it won’t work.

it sounds like you want someone who takes an interest in the world, where you can chat endlessly about everything under the sun!

on the other hand it can get boring to message every day when people are just living their normal lives and it’s no wonder you run out of things to say to each other.

i have some similar elements to you in that I have a bf that is very routine driven and busy with solo parenting and work so our daily check in messages to each other are quite predictable. But he lives nearby so we meet up regularly, go for walks, get physical, share a bottle of wine, be each others plus ones for things, etc. if we were never meeting up I think I’d be bored too!

the bottom line is it’s not working for you and not giving you what you want or need.

12purplepencils · 16/01/2025 06:57

Also sounds worrying that he wants to basically go from living with his parents to living with you!