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Original poster

Bored with my long distance relationship

123 replies

Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 19:29

Hi,

Been in a long distance relationship for 18 months now. The guy im seeing, I've known since uni, years ago.

We were friends back then, went our separate ways for years, reconnected a few years ago and he has been to see me many times in that time. I'm a lone parent, don't get a lot of free time so still haven't been to where he lives, he lives at the opposite end of the country.

18 months ago we decided to date. He has consistently visited me every few weeks in that time.

He doesn't know this but I'm starting to get bored. He has deep feelings for me and talks about moving closer to me, but at the moment he has a business venture in its start up which should make money in about 12 months time. When that becomes profitable he says he would like to move to be closer to me.

We speak every day on WhatsApp and video call each other about 3x per week.

I just think I'm getting bored. He's a lovely guy, genuinely sweet and has real affection for me as I do him. But realistically he doesn't have much about him. I feel awful saying this. His social skills are not great as he is an introvert. He doesn't really do fun/ interesting things. Stays more at home. I'm starting to feel we aren't as compatible as I first envisaged. I'm genuinely bored of our conversations.

He treats me so well, he's well mannered, respects me, would never hurt me, always makes time for me etc. I feel conflicted. Should I end it?

OP posts:
crockofshite · 16/01/2025 06:58

If there's no spark there can be no long term relationship. It may be good enough for him but if it's not right for you then finish the romantic relationship and see If you can go back to being friends

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 07:18

12purplepencils · 16/01/2025 06:57

Also sounds worrying that he wants to basically go from living with his parents to living with you!

This is part of it. After uni he worked somewhere else, rented a place. Then he got depressed and stayed with his sister who was working abroad for ages. When he returned to the UK he moved back to his mum and dad's in my county. His sister bought farming land (they are well off) and built two houses on it. One for her and her hubby and one next door for her parents and my partner. He's never had to work (he tends the land) nor live in thr real world. It is off putting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 07:19

crockofshite · 16/01/2025 06:58

If there's no spark there can be no long term relationship. It may be good enough for him but if it's not right for you then finish the romantic relationship and see If you can go back to being friends

We are friends, we were friends first. Be he truly loves me and I truly believe that. I'm just a bored. Maybe I can overcome it though. It would be a shame to give up on a good guy.

OP posts:
InkHeart2024 · 16/01/2025 07:24

Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 07:19

We are friends, we were friends first. Be he truly loves me and I truly believe that. I'm just a bored. Maybe I can overcome it though. It would be a shame to give up on a good guy.

Show quote history

You're just trying to convince yourself to settle for a man because he's kind and decent but if you aren't in love with him then it's pointless, and actually hurtful towards him. You clearly aren't in love with him. Time to get serious and take action.

BlondeMamaToBe · 16/01/2025 07:25

I have been in this position before and I ended it. He is a really great person with alot of qualities I wanted in a man but there was no spark or feelings. We have remained friends.

12purplepencils · 16/01/2025 07:39

The thing is though in your case OP it’s not just that there’s no spark and you like everything else about him.

you find him dull, you find him boring, and you find the smallness of his world, his lack of independence, lack of social skills, and lack of drive off putting! (And I don’t blame you)

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 07:42

Thanks all for your input, I am taking it onboard, truly I am. Just seems a shame to throw something away that is good. If he had more interests outside of being at home it would be good for him and probably me too. I feel bad for thinking these things, he is amazing in so many ways. I just feel like he's never had to live life like normal people our age. Getting a steady job (okay, he doesn't need to) and getting his own place and living independently from his family. So when I'm talking about my own aspirations and life as a single parent I feel like he can't relate properly, he's never had a long term relationship. He is incredibly shy and socially awkward. When he comes to see me we do things together that puts him in social settings and he just clams up. But on our own we have a good time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 07:43

12purplepencils · 16/01/2025 07:39

The thing is though in your case OP it’s not just that there’s no spark and you like everything else about him.

you find him dull, you find him boring, and you find the smallness of his world, his lack of independence, lack of social skills, and lack of drive off putting! (And I don’t blame you)

Edited

Thank you, I think you've articulated what I've struggled to.

OP posts:
Explosivesexpert · 16/01/2025 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 07:48

With the rest of my friends, male and female, we can discuss everything such as politics, life stuff, struggles, funny things, interests, all sorts. It falls flat with my guy. He just absorbs what I tell him, he is good at listening but not so good at moving topics along.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You can find someone lovely in life who you see the positives about but also has their drawbacks too. Apologies for not fully embracing these drawbacks but it's hard when it's a fundamental sticking point.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 16/01/2025 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you a man by any chance?

GreyCarpet · 16/01/2025 07:55

Whimsicalgrape · 15/01/2025 19:44

I'm starting to think this but I would hurt him deeply.

Hell get over it. It's the risk you take.

But you'll hurt him far more if you stay in this not a relationship for any longer.

I mean, you haven't even visited his hometown. You've no idea what the inside of his house looks like let alone how he spends his time when not whatsapping you.

For all you know, he could be seeing someone else or have no intention of ever moving.

Put yourself first.

GreyCarpet · 16/01/2025 07:56

Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 07:48

With the rest of my friends, male and female, we can discuss everything such as politics, life stuff, struggles, funny things, interests, all sorts. It falls flat with my guy. He just absorbs what I tell him, he is good at listening but not so good at moving topics along.

So you're notneven having a good LDR.

Come on, OP.

Explosivesexpert · 16/01/2025 08:04

Joystir59 · 16/01/2025 07:52

Are you a man by any chance?

Show quote history

I’m an older woman who has had my share of bad boys and get frustrated with a young woman who is “bored” of goodness.

It may be that OP is not used to being treated so well and feels uncomfortable with all this kindness. I would be interested to learn how he measures up to your exs in his treatment of you.

If he does notice your attitude towards him, it may be that the decision is taken out of your hands and made for you, in that he will be the one who will end in these 12 months, whilst you’re busy deciding if you want to use him for his goodness as a convenience, even though you do not respect nor love him.

Candleabra · 16/01/2025 08:06

You can’t date the good on paper guy if the feelings aren’t there. You’re already sounding bored and resentful and you barely see him.
Think about your first reaction to breaking up with him - is it sadness, horror, regret - or perhaps relief?

Romantic partnerships can evolve into something more comfortable and stable over time. And a secure person to share your life with is a good thing. But you have to have the spark and chemistry to start with.

GreyCarpet · 16/01/2025 08:08

Explosivesexpert · 16/01/2025 08:04

I’m an older woman who has had my share of bad boys and get frustrated with a young woman who is “bored” of goodness.

It may be that OP is not used to being treated so well and feels uncomfortable with all this kindness. I would be interested to learn how he measures up to your exs in his treatment of you.

If he does notice your attitude towards him, it may be that the decision is taken out of your hands and made for you, in that he will be the one who will end in these 12 months, whilst you’re busy deciding if you want to use him for his goodness as a convenience, even though you do not respect nor love him.

Show quote history

But they don't have a relationship. They're little more than penfriends and she doesn't want that.

Perhaps she doesn't want to stay with someome just for the sake of being able to say she has a boyfriend.

There's no spark, and she finds him dull.

They'd both be better off finding someone they're more compatible with.

She doesn't owe him a relationship just because he's decent and has deep feelings for her. She could find someome who feels that way about her but lives closer, she has a spark with and whom she finds interesting.

He could find somepme he has deep feelings for and doesn't think he's dull.

Or she could just stay single and there's nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 08:12

Explosivesexpert · 16/01/2025 08:04

I’m an older woman who has had my share of bad boys and get frustrated with a young woman who is “bored” of goodness.

It may be that OP is not used to being treated so well and feels uncomfortable with all this kindness. I would be interested to learn how he measures up to your exs in his treatment of you.

If he does notice your attitude towards him, it may be that the decision is taken out of your hands and made for you, in that he will be the one who will end in these 12 months, whilst you’re busy deciding if you want to use him for his goodness as a convenience, even though you do not respect nor love him.

Show quote history

I've had bad boys, certainly don't want another one! My attitude towards him is normal when we talk, we laugh about stupid things like we always have done or talk about what we've done etc. Films, books and things, his hobbies. But the convo is limited to these things and doesn't progress like convos with my friends would do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 08:14

We see each other once a month for a few days at a time. I feel like in relationship terms, that's enough for me as I'm too busy day to day. So the amount we see each other is fine.

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 16/01/2025 08:17

So he still lives with his parents at 40. Mmm. How indeiendent is he at home? Does he cook, clean, contribute to the running if the place etc? Or is he dependent on his parents?

Part of me thinks he’s more invested in you, because he can’t quite believe his luck. At last he’s got a girlfriend who’s stuck with him… .

However, he’s not your responsibility. Stay friends with him if that’s possible, but don’t stay in a relationship.

Or if you do want to continue, live together before marrying, to see if you’re compatible, and whether he’s a good flatmate. However, I suspect he’ll expect you to do everything.

You said early on that in his texts, he talks about everyday mundane things. When I read that, I thought that’s what old married couples do (“have you put the bins out? Got the washing in? Etc) , not couples that are dating.

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 08:21

He cooks and cleans ar home yes. He often sends me recipes and pics of meals he's made. He genuinely loves cooking and cooks for me when he stays at my house. But yes sometimes it does feel like I'm dating someone who has retired early. I'm shattered 9 times out of 10 but still got a lust for life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 08:22

I'd rather we didn't live together even if he moved closer. I've got kids to consider and I don't see me living with a man for a long time, if ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 08:24

I suppose my question is should I bring up how I feel and seeing if we can make adjustments rather than throwing the towel in?

OP posts:
EBearhug · 16/01/2025 08:28

I've been in LDRs. One I ended because I realised he was never going to put himself out for me. He'd do anything I organised, but if he had to sort it out, even when I asked, he wouldn't bother. It wasn't a two-way, equal relationship.

The current one - the sex is incredible, I think he's about the most interesting person I've ever met. But he's also considerate and caring, and when we've met up with others, when he's been out of earshot, they tell me how he thinks I'm really amazing. It's possible this may fade in time, but currently, I see a future where we end up together, because we're both really keen on each other. I want to hear about what he's been doing, even if it's just the washing up and housework. He's the first person I want to tell things to. And so for now, I will drive the M25 on a Friday night.

But you're just bored. It doesn't matter how good he is, it's not fair on either of you to carry this on. You need a spark and interest at the beginning, and you haven't got that. If you end it, it means you will both be free to find relationships with people you're truly compatible with. Yes, it will hurt, but you will both survive, and it's better to have some pain now than years of bitterness snd resentment.

Original poster
Whimsicalgrape · 16/01/2025 08:31

There was a definite spark at the beginning. I'm struggling to rekindle that with him. If did something out of character which was interesting it would probably spark off again.

OP posts:
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