Bored with my long distance relationship

[Whimsicalgrape]

Hi,

Been in a long distance relationship for 18 months now. The guy im seeing, I've known since uni, years ago.

We were friends back then, went our separate ways for years, reconnected a few years ago and he has been to see me many times in that time. I'm a lone parent, don't get a lot of free time so still haven't been to where he lives, he lives at the opposite end of the country.

18 months ago we decided to date. He has consistently visited me every few weeks in that time.

He doesn't know this but I'm starting to get bored. He has deep feelings for me and talks about moving closer to me, but at the moment he has a business venture in its start up which should make money in about 12 months time. When that becomes profitable he says he would like to move to be closer to me.

We speak every day on WhatsApp and video call each other about 3x per week.

I just think I'm getting bored. He's a lovely guy, genuinely sweet and has real affection for me as I do him. But realistically he doesn't have much about him. I feel awful saying this. His social skills are not great as he is an introvert. He doesn't really do fun/ interesting things. Stays more at home. I'm starting to feel we aren't as compatible as I first envisaged. I'm genuinely bored of our conversations.

He treats me so well, he's well mannered, respects me, would never hurt me, always makes time for me etc. I feel conflicted. Should I end it?

The fact he still lives at home at 40 IS a bit concerning and does indicate a lack of independence.

Are you sure the meal photos were actually made by him and not a parent?
It’s easy enough to cook for you once in a blue moon, doing that day in and day out at home is another matter. Many men change their tune once you end up living together.

It’s reassuring that you have no intention of ever living together. Good idea to tell him that?

We have spoken about life as a whole and I have said I would struggle to live with another man again..

I'm certain he made the meals, I've had his cooking, he's a pro. Plus he can tell me in detail exactly how he made x,y and z and send me loads of recipes.

Yes it is concerning he flew the nest once, didn't enjoy the grind of life so moved back home then upped sticks with his family. But I don't even mind that if he would strive for his own life and be able say "I got here under my own steam". It's off putting whichever you cut it. Apologies if in your eyes that makes me a bad person but if he was my son I'd be making regular noises like don't you think you'd be better finding your own two feet.

Some of the world’s most successful people get there through privilege and nepotism, it’s unfortunately a fact of life.

Are you sure you are not jealous of his way of life?

I would certainly want to escape the hardships of life if I had a family to help me do it!

A privileged life does not necessarily mean an uninteresting life, you did mention he is bookish, and later you mentioned he does in fact have some hobbies that feature in your conversations. You also said you would like your conversations to progress further than they do currently- in what way?

I’m still getting the sense you look down on him and feel superior, more worldly, more intelligent.

So, because you struggled, you think others must as well?
He has obviously managed to retain good manners and remained a decent kind person despite what appears to be his privilege.

From what you are saying, you want a rough around the edges man who occasionally treats you mean to keep you keen.

30s is still rather young, you will learn in time, or perhaps not. It all depends what you are used to and how you were brought up. Your independence might have knocked you about a bit and bruised you, this can make people a little harder and harsher than they might have otherwise been.

I'm definitely not jealous of his life, it's not that. He could offer me his world on a plate and I would decline because it's just not me. I have no interest in being a farm hand.

I think it is more that he lacks real life experience so gets life experience "through my eyes" if that makes sense. He can't relate but listens well.

I don't want someone rough around the edges, don't project on me please. I want someone who is interested in the wider world and has opinions, strength in his convictions I guess even if they clash with my own world viewpoint. I want him to challenge me mentally or stimulate me mentally. I can't get fascinated by sci fi novels or manga all the time.

His hobbies are lone hobbies. His social circle is just his family, no other friends. I've encouraged him to get out there and make friends through his hobbies. But he doesn't, that doesn't mean to say he won't in the future but I also think if he was keen to do this he would have done so by now. He's content in his own company - so am I to an extent. But his life doesn't strike me as interesting, at least to me.

“But his life doesn't strike me as interesting, at least to me.”

This in a nutshell. You’ve been in a relationship for 18 months, and known him longer. He’s now 40 . He’s not going to change now.

I know you don’t want to hurt him, but you’ll hurt him more by being dishonest in the relationship.

Thanks, I will talk to him properly when the time is right. He's such a good, warm, kind man. Really decent. But I need to have this conversation with him. It maybe salvageable, I'm not sure. Can't know without speaking to him first.

I didn’t get that vibe from you (about being jealous or looking down on him)
i can see that you want someone with an outward looking view, that’s interested in the world, that you can have interesting conversations with about current affairs and what’s going on.

I was in a marriage for years with a very intelligent person but he had no hunger for knowledge and no interest in politics or current affairs. It was only one of many issues but it made me sad. I also realised when we were together that if I didn’t instigate conversation there would be no conversation and it was always me moving it on or carrying the conversation.

When I was dating I knew that I wanted someone who asked questions, brought up topics, and engaged equally with things, and had an interest in the world. It’s ok to want that.

I was in a marriage for years with a very intelligent person but he had no hunger for knowledge and no interest in politics or current affairs. It was only one of many issues but it made me sad. I also realised when we were together that if I didn’t instigate conversation there would be no conversation and it was always me moving it on or carrying the conversation

This is how I feel about us. I carry the conversation many a time. It's exhausting. Thank you for realising I'm not speaking from a place of jealousy or superiority. I'm interested in people's thoughts in life generally and love having conversations with people about all sorts.

What adjustments could you make though? You find him fundamentally dull, he's not going to be able to change that.

Realistically I don't know. He could be so perfect for me, I just wish he had a bit more zest.

End things now while you still have the logistics as a solid reason and he hasn't factored you into any definite plans.

If I'm honest, you say he's smitten but it all sounds convenient to him too, having someone there for a part time/ virtual relationship but not a real adult one. Long distance has to have an end point or that's all it is. Don't make it a critique of him.

He'll be fine.

The end point would him marrying me, he's mentioned it and said he will ask me once this project is out of the way and he is free to move.

But yes, I either need to end it or at least have that conversation so he knows how I feel and see if we can resolve it.

Is it possible for you both to go away for a few days together, out of both your comfort zones and see how you feel?

I wonder if he truly 'loves' you or whether he's talked himself into loving you because he thinks you're his best bet of getting out of his parents' house and into what he thinks of as a 'normal life'? He sounds like the sort of man you'd have to be coaching through life all the time, as though he doesn't really know how the world works and thinks you - available and already known - are his only hope of not living with his parents until he dies.

I mean, I'm sure you're great, OP, but it might not be as true, deep and devoted love as you think. More a 'grasping at straws' thing. Breaking up is the best thing to do, he may just settle back into his life the way it is or he might have the spur to go on and break out, but I rather doubt it.

It would be hard for me to do this as I don't get much free time away from the kids and/or work. But it could be a good suggestion.

It is is sister and her husbands house. I really don't want to coach him through life, nor do I want him to settle on me because I initiated dating in the first place. I think the only way to know would be to have a conversation and I trust him to be honest with me.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat sorry I'm not understanding this point. What would he need to break out from? If I called things off he would stay where he is surely.

He probably knows that his life as it stands is living with his parents, not dating (if he's no dating history to speak of as you say), living the life he currently lives until he dies. He might want to break out of that 'little life' because he knows that there is more, but he needs your help to do it. He can't just tell his parents he's off to 'find himself' or travel the world or whatever (he hasn't done it up til now, even though he might be currently tied in to the family business, people can and do just walk away) until he's sure that he's got you to help him.

That's what I mean by break out. Break of out the life he's living and find a new one. But I think he might simply replicate the life he's got now, only with you.

Oh i see. I really don't want to be the reason he makes a life for himself. I don't want him to swing from his family to me. Would prefer it if he ventured out on his own first.

How long has his lived with his parents now? think it’s unlikely he’ll venture out by himself now. I also suspect he wants to jump from where he has now, to yours.

If he wants to move in 12 months, why hasn’t he actually proposed to you, rather than casual conversations?

OP is bored with him, because he's boring

She knows deep down it's not going to last, she'll end up looking elsewhere and breaking his heart because he's essentially a good kind man, but he's boring.

That's not really an end point, it's a 'sometime in the future'.

I'm sure you're a catch, it's not that, but I do agree it sounds like it's more complex than him being simply mad about you. And you're not actually mad about him. What are you getting from this?

In your shoes, I would let him know I valued him as a person hugely, and our history together, was glad we had tried a relationship especially his efforts with travel, but it wasn't working for me so I'd prefer to go back to friends. Obviously understanding it may take time to be in contact again.

Whatevers going on at his end, I think it's fairer to let him know sooner rather than later if he's planning his life and business around a move to be with you.

You can't stay in a relationship with someone you find boring, just because they'll be deeply hurt if you end it! FGS OP, grow a spine and end it. Stringing him along when you find him dull is far more hurtful in the long run.

This part gives me pause. He shouldn’t have to jump through hoops or be a circus animal to keep your attention.

When I started dating my long distance partner I wondered if he’d be too boring for me. He is also bookish and an at home guy, but he also loves to travel and has passions. Over time, I’ve seen all the ways he is exciting as well as stable.

In my case we are spending more time together and that has improved things massively. I get bored when we’re apart too long because we aren’t sharing anything.