Bored with my long distance relationship

[Whimsicalgrape]

Hi,

Been in a long distance relationship for 18 months now. The guy im seeing, I've known since uni, years ago.

We were friends back then, went our separate ways for years, reconnected a few years ago and he has been to see me many times in that time. I'm a lone parent, don't get a lot of free time so still haven't been to where he lives, he lives at the opposite end of the country.

18 months ago we decided to date. He has consistently visited me every few weeks in that time.

He doesn't know this but I'm starting to get bored. He has deep feelings for me and talks about moving closer to me, but at the moment he has a business venture in its start up which should make money in about 12 months time. When that becomes profitable he says he would like to move to be closer to me.

We speak every day on WhatsApp and video call each other about 3x per week.

I just think I'm getting bored. He's a lovely guy, genuinely sweet and has real affection for me as I do him. But realistically he doesn't have much about him. I feel awful saying this. His social skills are not great as he is an introvert. He doesn't really do fun/ interesting things. Stays more at home. I'm starting to feel we aren't as compatible as I first envisaged. I'm genuinely bored of our conversations.

He treats me so well, he's well mannered, respects me, would never hurt me, always makes time for me etc. I feel conflicted. Should I end it?

I sense perfectionism and shallowness in OP’s posts.

Better for you both if you end it and find somebody more suitable.

If you rekindled, what do you hope to salvage? If you are essentially bored, what are you getting out of it? Just feeding on his attention to fill a hole? Can’t exactly say you are feeding on his attention for light entertainment, since you say he is boring. I can’t imagine voluntarily spending time with someone I found boring.

Is the attraction that he will be coming into money through the business and his family?

If it has been 18 months, long distance, and you see each other only once a month, do you think those brief moments allowed you to explore his depths, especially if you only ever see him on your home turf.

Most of his life tbh. Apart from he moved for a job but left and spent time with his sister abroad instead. Then he moved back home then moved with his entire immediate family.

He's already wealthy, I'm not with him for that. I didn't know he was when we reconnected, nor does it factor in my life as I'm independent. More to life than money.

No he doesn't feed my attention, we've always just "clicked" but now I'm not sure if I'm just bored of the same old conversations.

He can't change his personality to try and be what you want him to be OP, it just wouldn't work long term even if he was prepared to try it.

Everything you say about him screams autistic to me tbh.

The attraction was 1) I find him handsome, 2) we click and talk a lot and have a laugh, 3) I wanted to explore dating him. He was keen to press for an exclusive relationship early on and it just sort of fell into place. I've no intention of looking elsewhere, I'd prefer to work through this.

Autistic, how?

He is also bookish and an at home guy, but he also loves to travel and has passions. Over time, I’ve seen all the ways he is exciting as well as stable.

This is what I want to see. Passion. Money can't buy passion.

Have you tried telling him that you don't want the relationship to be too flat and stuck in a rut? What would happen if you suggested taking turns to suggest a thought-provoking book to read or a podcast to listen to or a film to watch and then discuss them. If he wants to please you he might be happy with this. It could be that you are the dynamic one and he is the follower but that doesn't mean he can't expand his interests and ideas. Worth a try if you like everything else about him.

I know a man like this. Almost 30. Went to uni but straight back with his parents. Went on holiday with his sister. Honestly, he is a lovely man - good looking, good natured, intelligent, good job. But he just has no oomph about him.

It could be perfect if he... Was more interesting, didn't live with his parents, hadn't briefly left home but swiftly headed back with depression, had some opinions, was more motivated, didn't bore you witless...

Jealous? No she doesn’t. Why would anyone be jealous of a 40 year old still living with their parents with no hobbies or interests? He sounds like a nice guy but incredibly boring. You’re not wrong for feeling like you do OP. Neither is he wrong to be like he is, but he’s not the right partner for you.

Bang on. I agree.
Doesn’t sound workable.

Except… he is handsome and wealthy. Therein lies the draw. I will refer back to my point about OP being shallow.

Handsome, wealthy, decent, and kind. I’ll take him if you don’t want him, that’s plenty exciting enough for me!

Can I ask why you haven't visited him once in 18 months? Someone earlier posted about how if someone wants to be with you or see you they will make it happen. I think maybe seeing him in his own element, around his own people (even if that is his parents) might give you a better feel for who he is and whether that's someone you want to be with. I think it's very unfair to judge his relationship with his family (which is also a professional one I suppose?) if you haven't been up there to see it in person, when you yourself have family ties of your own.

For reference, I'm a single parent in a LDR with a 9 hour drive between our homes so I get how hard it is, but if my partner had never made the trip in 18 months I'd be calling it a day.

Sometimes, when I am conversing with certain people, I am different and realise I am not at my best, something about two people getting together and making a unique atmosphere between themselves. Some people will bring out the best in us, and others not so much.

Do you think you have been able to bring out the best in him yet? It seems you are looking at him with a critical perfectionist eye, not perhaps the ideal conditions to bring out the best in someone, nor indeed to see the best in them. Such an approach might even cause a loss of confidence - just bad juju all around.

Do you feel he has brought out the best in you? Is his approach similar to yours?

Who cares? You can’t stay with him to make him feel better?! What about what you want??? Women are so conditioned to put other people’s feelings before their own 😩

This is offensive and frankly, mental.

Well, I’m a woman, and his qualities are nothing I’d ’yearn for’. He’s dull. Most people are kind and nice and reasonably well-meaning. When it comes down to it, my central question is ‘Do you interest me?’ It’s the same for friends as relationships. Am I delighted you’re in my life? Are you fascinating to me? Do you do and say things that intrigue me?

A more interesting man is out there, OP. I’ve been with DH since 1992 and he’s still interesting.

I think it would be fair to say to your boyfriend that your feelings for him have not deepened the way they would need to for it to be right to get married. You just aren't feeling it OP, are you?

You haven't said if he takes any interest in your dcs. If he is really invested in their welfare and you feel you have his support to discuss the tricky issues parenting inevitably bring up? I don't mean he should be in their lives already, necessarily (but of course he would need to be if you married). But surely they are absolutely central to your headspace a lot of the time. And if he isn't actively engaging with that part of you he really is only a friend with benefits. And you both need to be honest about that.

You can’t force yourself to be interested in him because he is a good person. I tried and it didn’t work.

In my case we had been best friends for years. We had always clicked and he was a bit infatuated by me so we gave a relationship a go.

I quickly realised why it would never work.
He is mid 30s and still lives at home. This isn’t necessarily a problem but.. he has never moved out, he’s had the same job since he left school, he has no ambition to do anything. No plans to move out on his own whatsoever despite saving all of his wages for years. He thought he could live with me.
I felt a million times more independent than him as I’ve had my own home since I was 20 and I’m a mum. He doesn’t pay 1p towards his parents bills, he’s never done a food shop, doesn’t cook and eats what his parents put in front of him.
It all came to a head when he visited for the weekend and all he wanted do so was sit on my sofa as he didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. He was funny, kind and not a bad person but the rest gave me the ick and I was bored beyond belief. He kept talking about moving here and I knew that was never what I wanted with him so it had to end.

I don’t know the point to my little rant but he reminds me of him a little and I don’t think they have much prospect of changing at this stage.

@Explosivesexpert why gave you gunned for the OP throughout this thread? You’ve called her names and been extremely rude. Why? You can’t do that.

@Whimsicalgrape you sound sad. I have to say, this guy sounds extremely dull and a total ‘failure to launch’. I would be letting it die now and moving on. He won’t ever make you truly happy.

This chap isn't making the op put her feelings before her own. She's spent the whole thread complaining about him.
He seems stable. However she has the excitement itch. Time to scratch the itch, find the excitement and set this guy free....
They're not compatible whilst she's in this frame of mind...

There isn't enough information to start diagnosing him with anything on here. Nor is it appropriate to start doing so. You like the guy you're dating or you don't.

This is a good shout, thank you. I do like everything else about him and I genuinely enjoy his company and hanging out with him. Its the WhatsApp messaging, the video calls etc. They are becoming boring. When he's with me we actively do fun things, we go out to eat, go to the cinema, pub, play board games, laugh, chat. It's fun in that sense. But I do need perhaps more mental stimulation in conversation than I get from him. I get this from my friends.

For the last time I couldn't give 2 hoots about his money. I was friends with him before I knew his life, in many ways he kept that under wraps.

I find him handsome, he's not everyone's cup of tea but to me he is attractive. As for shallow, if I was shallow, I wouldn't be screaming out for more in depth conversations about bigger things now, would I? Make it make sense.

I love the fact that he is so humble and definitely recognises his privilege. He has stayed humble and decent.