Bored with my long distance relationship

[Whimsicalgrape]

Hi,

Been in a long distance relationship for 18 months now. The guy im seeing, I've known since uni, years ago.

We were friends back then, went our separate ways for years, reconnected a few years ago and he has been to see me many times in that time. I'm a lone parent, don't get a lot of free time so still haven't been to where he lives, he lives at the opposite end of the country.

18 months ago we decided to date. He has consistently visited me every few weeks in that time.

He doesn't know this but I'm starting to get bored. He has deep feelings for me and talks about moving closer to me, but at the moment he has a business venture in its start up which should make money in about 12 months time. When that becomes profitable he says he would like to move to be closer to me.

We speak every day on WhatsApp and video call each other about 3x per week.

I just think I'm getting bored. He's a lovely guy, genuinely sweet and has real affection for me as I do him. But realistically he doesn't have much about him. I feel awful saying this. His social skills are not great as he is an introvert. He doesn't really do fun/ interesting things. Stays more at home. I'm starting to feel we aren't as compatible as I first envisaged. I'm genuinely bored of our conversations.

He treats me so well, he's well mannered, respects me, would never hurt me, always makes time for me etc. I feel conflicted. Should I end it?

I don't get much time away from the kids. I wouldn't take the kids there with me the first time, I'd rather go alone. By the time I got there I'd have to come home again as ex doesn't take them for long.

I think we both bring out good qualities in each other. My cheeks hurt from laughing sometimes with him and we both have similar philosophies in life from what we've talked about. He always says how good I am for him.

Obviously these deeper feelings I keep to myself, I don't want to upset him

He's met my kids many times now over the years. He spends time with them. When he comes to visit he factors them into plans and always says would the kids like to do X. I wouldn't be with him if he didn't have some level of caring about them.

The trouble is, it’s basically his personality that you don’t like and he can’t really change that, can he? And why should he?

I think from what you’ve said, he is just not the one for you. Better to end it now I say.

It's one aspect of his personality that is a drain. He lacks passion and motivation.

The rest of his personality is fine. Kind, warm, decent, patient, calm, measured, loving, honest. All good traits.

But many people can have those good traits. The passion and motivation you mention he is lacking, really are about his personality, which is individual to him.

If there is nothing about him which excites you, then eventually you undoubtedly will end the relationship. It’s just a matter of time really. If you had lived closer, I suspect you would already be over.

Sad but you can’t force the passion. It’s either there or it’s not.

When you say the conversations lack depth, do you mean he’s not very intelligent? What sorts of conversations do you crave?

to be honest, I think you’d be better breaking up because he sounds like a nice guy but you need someone with more passion. Having at least one passion was a necessity for me. My current DP had one, now he has two! It’s great.

Glad to hear that.

But you do seem to regard him as a pleasant convenience. I don't get a sense of you needing him to be in your life, for him. I don't get a sense of you having shared dreams and imagining a future together, including growing old together.

So if he is looking for that, you need to tell him that you are't feeling it.

What you say about him does sound a little mean. Can’t quite put my finger on why exactly. Slightly condescending mabye?

That being said, I felt bored out of my mind when I was with my ex. He didn’t really open up about anything - his past, his dreams for the future, his worries or joys, how he feels about anything really. We were very young and together for years. Could it be something like that?

He is intelligent. He lacks things to talk about because his world is small. He's never really had friends bar me and the odd one or 2 who he doesn't see or speak to now. He's short on normal life experiences that people by the age of 40 have typically been through. Kids, houses, jobs, relationships so I feel hes learning through me rather than bringing his own life experience to the table.

He doesn't see anyone bar immediate family. He's so laid back he's horizontal. His hobbies are mostly loner hobbies though they could branch out if he wanted them too. His business project was his sisters idea, I'm sure he likes the idea of it too but it was more her baby.

I just feel that when you've lived your own life, having to figure yourself out and become independent you become an entirely different type of person to someone whose never had to do those things. So he's not the most sociable of people?? Many people aren't naturally, but many of us have to put ourselves in situations or get thrust into situations where we need to be and we get by. He's never had to do this so rather than develop methods for coping in social settings, he's spent his entire life so far avoiding them.

And so having conversations that are perhaps insightful, or pique curiosity or are just plain old bounce from topic to topic is rather stifled

I know how it sounds believe me but it's beginning to bother me. Hence I don't tell him, I keep it to myself because I know how it sounds.

When I was thinking of breaking up with said ex, I went to see a therapist. In the first session, she said it sounded like I was looking for permission to break up with him. Same vibe here. Breaking up is always a risk - will I regret it, will I find somebody else...But it’s also a possibility for something better.

Thanks all for replies. I'm going to talk to him soon.

Hi, I am not sure but to me it sounds like he could be on spectrum. Maybe mild aspergers. Asd.
Men like that settle later in life. And have qualities you describe. But....a lot of times the social skills he displays pre marriege is the best he's got, and it is called masking. He might stop masking after marriage. He would still be nice but his focus will be on other things. Leaving you very very lonely.
Would be great if he got himself assessed.

From what you write I would say he does have passion and motivation - for you, his family and the business. He travels down to see you, he has future plans… that requires passion and motivation. You just have different passions and motivations.

Hi, could he be on the spectrum? Asd?

I'm a lone parent

Me too.

Kid is always nr. 1 in my book.

Men come and go but your child will always remember.

Ah I forgot I made this thread.

OK, so since I posted this, we have done a lot of talking.

He's been made very aware I need more mental stimulation and has definitely upped his game in that department. He expresses opinions on heavy stuff now whereas before he didn't really. We get into meaty topics now and he puts his thoughts forward which I love.

I've probed him deeper about his own life goals. When his project is finished he says he is going to move (who knows where?) But I've made no noises about him moving closet to me as that has to be ultimately his decision.

I've mentioned the fact he's 40 and never been self-suffcient. I've told him he knows my character, how strong-willed I am and stuff and I said legitimately I don't know of he's the same as I've never witnessed it and for all I know he could be flaky.

So I think we are both happy to keep the ldr running for the time being but I've put some stipulations in.

As an aside I am visiting his for the first time this year so he's not always coming to me. I'm looking forward to it as it will be a nice break from my home town plus I'll get to meet his family.

The main point is I've expressed my needs and he is responding so ill take that as a good sign.

Thank you for the update. All sounds promising.

It does, he takes my concerns on board and as a result wants to better himself and us. I don't find him so boring now, he's coming into his own.

Would you move to be closer to him ?

No, my kids are settled in school and I have work commitments.