He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

If your life is mostly better with him in it I’d probably try to work out how to get past it.

Wow.

I really feel for you OP. Look after yourself and take your time with decisions. X

I'm very sorry for what you are going thru. Your dh is a sick man to have had sex with some he knew as a child. Even if he hadn't coached her she's your daughters age. That is sick.

I am revolted by this young woman … as much, if not more than the husband, what was she thinking? Has she no friends? No age appropriate boyfriends? Cannot find self thinking she is a victim … she travelled & and had the hotel and she got him in the room … there is no reason to get him upstairs other than to be alone. Not giving her any victim status. She did this because she could. He is also vile.

Thinking of my sons friends who are girls, most wouldn’t touch old man w a barge pole. One is a bit predatory and forward, prob fork any one any age and gender …. (From what I have been told & seen her pursue)

It’s all too creepy. Both.

That’s because you are incredibly misogynistic and have a totally fucked moral compass.

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds awful.

I couldn’t stay married to him and I probably couldn’t keep my mouth shut either if people asked what happened. It is terrible what he did to you and with the way he knew her, that doesn’t feel right either.

@Lookslikelou My heart goes out to you, this is a terrible shock.
Is your daughter able to ask what happened on the next evening? I see from your OP that he went out that night too to meet a friend.

You've done ever so well to ask him to leave. It's entirely up to you what you do next. If I was you I'd want to make sure I had all the facts before I made a decision.

Do you have a friend you can confide in so that you have some emotional support?

Spark provide advice after infidelity, they provide a free counselling session and they have availability this evening and tomorrow - https://www.thespark.org.uk/counselling/fast-access-single-session-therapy/

Relate are here... https://www.relate.org.uk/which-service-right-you

Yes, the fact he taught her as a child is very creepy. My gut feeling is that he found her attractive even then, but didn't dare do anything while she was underage. I doubt he 'kept in touch' because he's a nice guy. He 'kept in touch' in the hope that, one day, he could get her into bed.

What’s misogynistic about it? It is revolting to sleep with a married man. Especially when you know his daughters.

@Lookslikelou The above is great advice.

My husband cheated with a much older woman (Oedipal?!) but agree that much younger is really grim.

Keep your dignity.
Leave the Randy old goat.

The saddest thing is that it's MN. There is some sensible and respectful advice as ever.

However, you have some bitter posters delighted to jump at a pig of a man and let their twisted imagination run wild.

There's a real person involved here, a bit of decency towards the wife (and possibly the girl involved, it's a public forum, she could very well read that thread), is that at all possible?

I’d be interested in her pov. Maybe she woke up like eugh what the hell, I always thought he was like a father figure to me as a coach. Now turns out he’s just a dirty perv.

poor gal.

Rubbish. I have met several predatory women of that age in my time, who knew exactly what they were doing by flirting with older married men.

Of course grooming sadly does happen and many men are also extremely predatory, but it’s not clear that this is the case here from the information given.

Both people in this case sound awful, but the husband is older, married, more experienced in life and had also been in a position of trust, he should have been able to control himself if presented with an opportunity. In my opinion his actions are completely inexcusable.

You must be reeling. You need to steady yourself first and foremost, and do whatever you need to do, that is going to look different for different people.

Do not feel like you must dive in and "sort this out" on her behalf, that's not your remit right now. Create yourself a place of safety, by agreeing that he doesn't move back in unless you give that the go ahead. Book some counselling with a recommended therapist asap, once or twice weekly. Tell someone that you trust in real life, no you might not want people to know but the weight of carrying his dirty secret isn't yours to bear.

You will get through this. He has not only broken your trust, he has done it in a way that brings up lots of questions which twists the knife unfortuately. Take care of yourself, this will need time and patience to work through for you.

This is horrible OP. Hope you take him to the cleaners

@Lookslikelou A distant family member married a man 25 yrs older than her

HE too knew her as a child-

But when she got to 50 they fell in love ~ nothing untoward went on, and No way is he a paedophile.

20 isn’t a child, and assuming she was happy to go along with it?

No crime here, just a bit eww

A school teacher we had married a pupil of his when she turned 18.

That was a bit odd. But again no crime committed.

Look after yourself here .I do think some affairs , sexual flings can be moved on from , However it's the knowing her from being a child and from a position of influence is frankly horrifying. I'm pleased you have been able to tell your daughter and tbh I wouldn't be protecting him in any way and getting some very good advice about how to ensure you come out of the marriage with all your entitled to .I'm so sorry this must be awful for you .

I'm sorry this is happening in your life.
It seems like the young woman hasn't seen it as your H grooming her.
Maybe he wasn't, but I wouldn't bet my rent money on it.
He is definitely deviant.
I hope you find all the support you need here to fill in the gaps from RL if you need them 🌻

Oh OP I'm so sorry. It's 7 months today since my stbexH announced his affair (and total lack of remorse etc). I so feel for you and am worried that this thread is loosing why you started it. What you need now is support and love. With 2 kids you're going to be ok but hell it will take ages. Possibly a bit early/too raw yet but there's a support thread out there for individuals coping with life after seperation: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/4978266-a-new-thread-for-those-struggling-with-separation-part-2-onwards-to-a-happier-future?page=28&reply=141356097
In the meantime please feel free to privately message me. I have to keep changing my username as my ex literally stalks me and when I say anything he might perceive as inflammatory fires off a solicitor letter asking me to desist. Given that he pays for mine and his solicitors this is a little weird but hey ho. Madness strikes all.

I have no desire at all to cause further distress for OP - not that in the circumstances it seems that would be possible. I can imagine how I would feel were I to discover that my husband, the man I loved, shared a life with, built a family with and thought I knew, had behaved similarly. The shock must be immense. A first, very natural and understandable response would be denial, to enter into a bargaining phase and to tell myself that things really were not so bad as I really knew they were. For this reason, posters who are trying to minimise this situation are doing OP no favours.

The usual cranks have turned up, as they inevitably do on threads like this, attempting to put the blame on the girl or OP and suggesting that the onus is on her to involve the authorities when the full facts haven't been established. But the many PPs who have tactfully drawn attention to the gravity of this issue are not shouting the extremes of 'he's a paedophile who should have his balls chopped off', or that OP should in some way take responsibility for his actions when she's not culpable, or of armchair-convicting him of a criminal offence. What we are doing is drawing tactful attention to the established behavioural patterns of a sexual predator, and deducing from the facts given above that there is a more than likely possibility of grooming here. His pattern of behaviour ticks a great many of the boxes posted upthread.

OP does deserve to be armed with information, from people who just might have past experience with issues such as these, to empower her to make the right decision for her. Because, however you try to frame it, this isn't so straightforward as a simple one night stand. The sensible posters have encouraged OP to process this horrible bombshell at her own pace, and have also reassured her that none of this is in any way her fault.

Because silence and denial of men's behaviour, as well as deflecting the blame for that onto women as per, benefits one demographic only. Men. The outcomes for this excuse for a husband matter nothing in this context; OP's wellbeing does. And minimising his part in this miserable state of affairs is, in the end, unlikely to help achieve that.

I’d also have serious concerns about grooming. I’ve never had any of my children’s spirts coaches or teachers keep in touch with them 10+ years. Especially as she moved out of the area, it shouts “ pursuing”.
Can you report to any governing body of the sport ? Or the organisation that employed him as a coach ?
And look after yourself — he goes when you say. He stays away when you say.

There are strong indications that this young woman was groomed.

Therefore, blaming the victim is misogynistic.

Agree- The husband according to Mumsnet has to be a raging paedophile with designs on his protégé since she was 9.

The man haters come out of the woodwork en masse on these threads.

Alcohol was involved, and if she was keen then of course he SHOULD have said no-

He’s lost his marriage over a quick shag

He’s probably thinking now “ Was it worth it?”

Silly man.

Oh god yes I know. Women. Aren’t they just awful? The root of all of societies evils. You know, I think - if you wanted to, you could just about blame everything and anything on women. It’s almost like the man wasn’t even there.

No she was 15 the first time they had sex, and he had touched her inappropriately and told her he was her boyfriend when she was 13.It is completely and utterly different to hooking up with an adult you last coached/saw 10 years ago.