He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

Everyone saying it’s gross as he knew as a child but even 20 is so young. When I was 20 I went out with a 30 year old and the age gap was too big.

He is gross.

I am sure he getting off on thinking he finally bedded that child he fancied.

Men are vile, sorry but they are.

OP, if you stay it says a lot about you.

He is disgusting.

So sorry OP that must be such a terrible shock. It's not just the betrayal but the grim nature of it.

It isn't your responsibility to worry about anyone other than yourself and your children right now.

Please focus on putting one step in front of the other. Don't let him back in.

OP, I am not defending him but it would seem to me that this was a drunken one night stand, no premeditation and he was clearly guilt ridden or he would not have confessed.

No grooming, no relationship and no sexual relations with a child. It was a drunken one night stand.

I'm not condoning it, its not something I could cope with from my husband, but it is not as bad as some are making out on here, and G*d knows its already bad enough without making it out to be more than it is!

Don't do anything rashly, you asked him to leave which is quite fair. Take some time, do not feel pressurised and decide what you need to do. And the answer may well be that you don't know yet...and that is OK too. He badly messed up. No-one would blame you for ending it but in your heart of hearts if he is genuinely contrite and you find it in you to want to try rebuilding the relationship (in whatever form you want that to be), then follow your instincts and do what is right for you.

But it absolutely wasn’t for no reason — he coached her because he was a bloody coach. It doesn’t automatically mean he groomed her. It’s a possibility, yes, but not a given.

God, only on MN…

Don't contact her dad. Your priority must be your health and family. Do not hide what he has done from others, do not accept any blame from anyone. Only you can decide if you can get past this - but you don't have to decide yet. take as much time as you need.

It doesn’t say ANYTHING about the OP. And quite honestly, I don’t think she needs people like you making assumptions and ridiculous statements atm.

OP, if you stay it says a lot about you.

Stop having a go at the OP. She has done nothing wrong.

I think most people need to actually understand what grooming is……….there should be no contact between teacher and student……he’s done pretty much everything on the list……..

im so sorry to hear this and hope you’re okay!
just wanted to add that although you’ve said that it may be grooming, it may not be, i would argue that from the information you’ve provided it is 100% absolutely grooming in itself and i don’t think you should minimise or downplay it.
singling a child out, making them feel special and giving them more attention than any other child, spending more time with them and emphasising their talents etc for years with the result of making them more receptive to a sexual relationship is surely an obvious case of grooming. it isn’t sexual until it is. she likely would not have slept with him now if he was a stranger - it would have been due to relationship he had fostered with her as a child. additionally without speculating too much you mentioned her mothers death a few years ago, she may be struggling with her family situation or any number of things - regardless, having a strong, encouraging authoritative figure from childhood reappear back in her life has made it easy for her to be taken advantage of.
thinking of you and yourself and your DC are able to be there for one another

…….

So he manipulated, exploited and abused her? Right…

You do you; I’ll do me!

Great post. OP ignore the keyboard warriors! Good luck.

He's cheating on you,broken your marriage vowels and sleep with someone who's only been an adult for two years that's he's watched grow up which is beyond twisted;he's a sexual predator.

No parent wants to think a 40 year old man coaching their 10 year daughter will have sex with her in 10 years time.

I'd be completely done with him.

A teacher has no contact with a student, especially not through WhatsApp………contact with her parents on progress while under their tutorage yes……no other contact should be pursued especially not inviting to parties through private messages and keeping contact with the girl when she moves to another country……..

I think this whole thread has spiralled.

1. i think it’s grim that he had sex with another woman
2. it’s grimmer that she is the same age as your children (the age thing is someone irrelevant until you factor in this sticking point!)
3. i would put out of your head ‘grooming’ ‘telling her father etc’ you don’t need this strain.

what I think probably more realistically than jumping on the pedophile band wagon is that he has kept in contact via social media (I am now fb friends with two of my old teachers nothing remotely odd about that). He learned that she was in London or she told him (as presumably she knows where you live), and he invited her to his mile stone birthday party then met up with a few other coaches and coachees the evening after. And then very unfortunately things spiralled from there.

there may have been previous banter/flirting (time will probs tell on that one).

it isn’t unfathomable for a 20 year old to fancy a 50 year old so let’s not shame her for that.

whats done is done. I personally think the biggest issue is that he has been unfaithful and that he has been unfaithful with someone who is as old as your children - that too me is enough to end things.

i don’t think it’s fair without further knowledge to tar him with any labels such as groomer etc as this could massively impact his life too much and may be quite far from the truth. And from the latest update seems to not be the case (groomed etc).

your children need only the facts and they can make up their own minds.

@Lookslikelou absolutely OP.

Ignore these posters.

So sorry OP. He’s a disgrace. At least he seems to feel ashamed and will hopefully split your assets without a fight. Thank goodness your kids are old enough to not need a custody battle.

There is really no point in taking apart whether or not he groomed this young woman. She certainly doesn’t seem to think so. Either way your marriage is over and the police would have no interest in this.

Move forwards one day at a time. Get a good lawyer. Tell your girls the truth and let them make their own decisions about what kind of relationship they want with their father (if any).

Sorry I disagree. See my earlier post. You are all just making a very difficult situation worse for the OP, its tough enough as it is. There were no sexual relations when he was legitimately coaching her, he did not isolate her etc.

It was a drunken one night stand many years after they stopped training together and she is now an adult, They did not intentionally meet up, although I admit they voluntarily went to her hotel bedroom but she is an adult so there is a strong possibility this is not grooming. More information would be needed to truly assess that and in the meantime the OP suffers.

Given her update, I would put this in the stupid and gross, but probably forgivable category. He felt guilty enough to confess which suggests it’s not a pattern for him and he’s not trying to twist anything or manipulate you now, which suggests he’s most likely a good person who did something stupid. It doesn’t sound like grooming and she’s an adult.

If your life is mostly better with him in it I’d probably try to work out how to get past it.

Have a look on his phone. See if they are still in contact. She may be feeling sick over it.

OP what an awful shock. Please take care of yourself and see a lawyer asap you will never be able to forgive him it's way too shocking and disgusting. Try and stay calm and it sounds like your wonderful daughter will be a good support to you. Take care of yourself and don't contact anyone you don't want t (ie her father or your mother in law). Take baby steps you have had a terrible shock. Sending a big hug 🤗

OP, some of the PP and their comments about grooming/demands that you report him (to who? for what? to what end?) are unhinged.

FWIW, I made awful decisions as a young adult. At 20 I was involved with a man twice my age and very likely attached. I had a thing for older men throughout my twenties and dated/slept with men who were easily of an age to be my dad.

At the time, I was partying, I was flattered, I liked the attention from men who wined and dined me and who "knew how the world works". I was also in a party city full of expats so it didn't seem odd, I just felt like a "grown up". With hindsight, I find this disturbing and men who seek younger partners now make me feel sick.

I only share this because it is entirely possible that this 20 YO girl simply made an absolutely terrible desicion - no grooming, no coercion. Aside from the fact that she did this, I'd leave her out of it.

Your husband owes you loyalty.

Your husband knew her as a child.
Your husband hung around until they were the last two.
Your husband walked her back to her hotel.
Your husband chose to accompany her inside.
Your husband chose to seduce/be seduced by a former pupil and woman 30 years his junior.

He has absolutely broken your trust, betrayed your marriage and your family. He has appalling judgement and demonstrated a complete lack of respect for you and for himself. I can't imagine how painful it is for you, but you need to take care of yourself. You are not responsible for anyone else in this situation.

He hasn't necessarily groomed her but I think it's odd that he knew her as a child & a vague friend of his daughter & he could do this.

It's virtually impossible to not think that he took advantage though with the age difference & drink being involved.

You'll cope because you have to OP.

Won't be long before you're disgusted & angry(if you're not already).