He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

I'm afraid I don't have any advice or experience to offer, OP, but I do want to say that your eldest DD sounds wonderful for enquiring if the 20yo is safe, given the circumstances. You've raised a good woman there. Well done.

Good luck, please take care of yourself.

@oakleaffy I'm around 50. I'm not shagging 20 year old boys that I knew since they were children and spent ongoing amounts of time with in a position of authority and power.

I'm not falling in love with them, being "seduced" by them, having ongoing text conversations with them or inviting them to my birthday parties.

For a really good reason. This is not because I'm married. It's because the idea is repulsive and if it isn't a repulsive idea for you for a 50yo old man to be having sex with a 20 year old with a similar history, then you need to be having a think about why.

What were they doing huh? These predatory women…

And you’ve decided it’s not grooming. That’s great. I don’t think you have enough information to decide that but ok. It is however, unethical that he maintained any contact with her outside a coaching capacity and beyond the time at which he was coaching her. There’s no legitimate reason for doing this. They are not friends. He was in a position of trust, and he first met her as a young child. Those things we do know.

So how is she “awful”? Because she (best case scenario) had sex with someone she possibly/probably knew was married? I don’t think you’re really holding them to the same standard. At least you concede he should have been able to control himself!

If you bother to read what I actually said, I said that it’s not clear from the information provided whether it was grooming or not. I haven’t decided anything.

A teacher has no contact with a student, especially not through WhatsApp………contact with her parents on progress while under their tutorage yes……no other contact should be pursued especially not inviting to parties through private messages and keeping contact with the girl when she moves to another country……..

He stopped being her teacher 10 years ago. 10 years before he found himself at the same party as her, now a 20yo woman.

safeguarding isn’t about knowing the truth before you share potentially useful information, that isn’t the benchmark for sharing. it’s about sharing Information when something does not feel right - for an organisation to look into, it could piece things together in the future should it become relevant

there is very clearly information here that doesn’t feel right because of the history of the older persons past relationship of authority to the now very new young adult. There is a body that regulates these relationships; the coaching body

I would not contact the dad. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take some time to be devastated. Things will become clearer once the utter shock wears off. Big hug to you.

It’s misogynistic to blame the 20 year old woman, when it’s the 50 year old married man who’s way more at fault. More 20 year old women have 50 yo pervy men (they trust) take advantage of them when they’re drunk and vulnerable, than who actually desire and want to sleep with those men.

I'm so sorry for you and your family.

I'm guessing that the fact she was in your city for New Year, when he had a big birthday party, was not a coincidence. I have stayed with a cheater but I don't think I could get past this. As others have said, how long as he viewed her in this way? I think the only option is to finish with him.

Full disclosure, I've only read the OP so far and my initial thought @Lookslikelou is he told you for selfish and pathetic reasons. He couldn't cope with the guilt so rather than live with it, he's told you. Not you're supposed to pick up the pieces and fix it all, in his mind.

I am nearly ten years in from my husband's affair but only five months from the divorce, we split July 2023.

My reasons are different but the pain is the same. He's had me in tears today. Take all the time you need. Listen to advice but done be scared to make your own choices. It will hurt like fucking hell but keep the faith that many of us have been where you are and we have all come through it. In many many cases the woman comes out thriving and the man is a mess.

There are strong indications that this young woman was groomed.
Therefore, blaming the victim is misogynistic.

Theres no evidence she’s been groomed and no evidence either that she’s some sort of victim. Women can make bad choices without being victims.

@Dror can I send you a PM please?

I actually find it very insulting to pretend that we are ALWAYS the innocent victims, gullible and weak and all evil come from men who are always doing everything wrong.

I consider myself the complete equal of a man, thank you very much. They are not a dominant species, with more brain, more intelligence, more drive. Some might be physically stronger, it doesn't mean we are inferior in any way.

I don’t think I could cry at that because I doubt I’d be upset, I’d be well and truly disgusted!

God you poor thing!

Go to a solicitor ASAP and work out the way forward.

Ask him to engage with your solicitor only.

@Lookslikelou

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

What you do now is focus on yourself and behave with dignity. You'll be glad you did. No emotional or angry scenes, no 'pick me dance'. Calm, determined and dignified is the way through this. Remember also that the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. You may not feel that now, but fake it until you make it.

The issue of 'grooming' or whatever will have to wait until another day. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but there are cases of young adult women becoming 'involved' with former teachers, coaches, etc that don't involve grooming. This young woman appears to have assured your DD that there was no grooming and that she is OK. For now, take her at her word.

At any rate, you have other fish to fry right now.

So first thing, see a solicitor to get the 'lay of the land' as far as divorce goes. Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you have to 'do anything'. It just means that you are educating yourself as to what divorce may mean to you, financially. As both of your DC are older, I assume child access and/or maintenance don't come into it. But you need to get a financial picture wrt the marital home and any assets you and he have, either joint or separate. Take a 'snapshot' of these things with you and possibly another person as a 2nd set of ears. I can't stress how important this is because forewarned is forearmed. Things may be quiet right now, but men often turn nasty once they realize you aren't going to welcome them back with open arms and forgiveness. And especially when they realize that a divorce may cost them, sometimes dearly.

Also, change any passwords of yours that he has access to; email, websites, credit cards/debts, apps, banking. If you have joint banking, consider strongly separating your finances right away. Where I live we are advised to take only half of any joint accounts regardless of 'whose money is where'. A solicitor will advise you the best way to do this. But you need control of your own finances, right away. Again, their 'contrition' usually only lasts so long. Be prepared.

That's the practical side of things.

As far as how you cope emotionally, lean on your family and your friends. Beware of leaning too heavily (if at all) on your DDs. He may be a shit but he is still their father. They deserve to form their own opinions of his behaviour and determine their own 'path' as far as a relationship with him. I'm not saying that they both shouldn't know, just that if they decide to maintain some form of relationship with him, again, calm and dignified is the way to go.

And consider counseling or therapy. Having a trained but emotionally uninvolved professional to help you sort things through can be of immense help. You can pour all your hurts, anger, and feelings on them and they'll help you sort through things and 'put them where you belong'.

Finally, remember that this is a marathon not a sprint. It's going to take time but you will get through this storm and emerge with all flags flying.

You didn't read my post correctly. I wrote that there are strong indications as to why grooming in this situation would be a real concern. This is Mumsnet, not the Crown Courts, and we are not sitting on a jury ruminating on evidence or deciding whether someone is guilty beyond reasonable doubt. We are mostly women, some of whom very obviously have some familiarity with particular patterns of behaviour and the ways in which predators operate.

It's a reasonable deduction, not a guilty verdict, the reasons for which are enumerated in a good degree of detail on many posts upthread.

I do understand what grooming is. It’s premeditated. We do not have any information to be able to say with any certainty whether until this recent meeting up things have been absolutely innocent, but then he saw a 20yo and found her attractive. Or maybe he did groom her and there’s more to the story than what we are aware, but you can’t talk in absolutes because we deffo do not have enough information to say either way, she’s also 20 now and he stopped being her coach 10 years ago, so I very much doubt any position of trust laws would apply now.

It’s unbelievable that he could see her sexually after knowing her as a child but grooming is a crime, and I can’t see this meeting criminal thresholds

That's not unusual. It's been going on for aeons. What is odd is that he was her coach that's the cringe part.

That applies while they are their teacher. If a teacher at 40 meets their 25 yo ex-student, these rules don’t apply

So he groomed her then?, how disgusting. Dump him and get out of that situation immediately.

It smacks of grooming to me. What a revolting specimen he is.

I hope you are okay OP.
Your daughter sounds like an amazing young woman,.I'm glad you have her support.

She is an adult as is he. It's pretty grim on his part but they are both consenting adults.
Doesn't sound like grooming. Their meeting wasn't planned. It's grim as F but not illegal.

What do you mean " their meeting wasn't planned"?
He invited her to his party so that was planned.
He arranged to go out with her the next evening. So that was planned - the other woman says the arrangement was for a group meeting up but he told OP he was meeting " a friend". So what the truth is nobody knows but them.
You make it sound as though they accidentally bumped into each other and ended up in bed. That was obviously not the case.

There’s one thing for damn sure and that’s I could never, ever be letting that man back in my bed. He slept with a girl (under 21, still not even a whole adult. Not even fully developed.) that he watched grow up, who was in class with your own shared daughter. He was also very involved with her physically as a child, as sports coaches are. He has deliberately kept in contact with not only the parents but the child herself and taken the first opportunity given to be out drinking with her and then turn this sexual.

Regardless of what the poor girl thinks of all this for herself, his behaviour is absolutely disgusting. Some people don’t like calling it grooming, whatever, but it bloody is. He was in a position of extreme trust and authority to her growing up and has abused this and any admiration she may have built for him to go back to her hotel room.

I’m so sorry OP. You have no obligation to do anything besides boot him to the curb.