He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

He was hired to be her coach? She’s now 20. CSE/position of trust laws wouldn’t apply any more. Immoral but doesn’t appear to be illegal

He taught her as a tiny child! This has grooming all over it...

Definitely leave him OP

He shouldn’t have any need to keep in contact with her then…….but he did and carried on the relationship until he slept with her………it is against any teaching capacity and is grooming……

Christ he is disgusting. There are no adequate words 🤢

So sorry you're in this position OP. Glad you have your elder daughter to look after you. Just take things slowly, as no doubt this has been a huge shock to your system. Don't talk to your H or his DM until YOU are ready to do so. Ignore the posters in here trying to make you do anything you don't want to. Sometimes people forget this is someone's real life and just thrive in the drama.

@Lookslikelou This is a good idea and a much better idea than contacting her father.
Even if he is not coaching at the moment, I imagine the sport's governing body would want to know.

Sport England website says:
If there's no immediate danger to the child and they're not injured, you should report the concern:

• If you're affiliated to a national governing body, refer to their safeguarding procedures about who to report the concerns to. If this isn’t available, report it via their complaints procedure or ring their main contact number.
• If your club or activity isn’t affiliated to a governing body, you can seek support from your Active Partnership or your local children’s social care (social services).

A list of national governing bodies can be found here...

"She and my husband were the last two there, he offered to take her back to her hotel and things went from there."

So he can't blame being drunk then if he was sober enough to take her back to her hotel, where he then made the decision to go into her room.

I agree with you that it's not your responsibility to tell anyone or do anything. You have enough to cope with as it is and you need to focus on what's best for you!

This puts a better spin on things. Sounds like it wasn't a pre-planned date, and no grooming went on. It's a lot better than the alternative scenarios that people have been dreaming up on here. That said, I am surprised he could view her sexually, having known her as a child, albeit if he hasn't seen her in 10+ years, it maybe felt like not the same person.

Only you can know if you want to come back from this? Is everything else good in your marriage?

You've done nothing wrong OP. Nothing. Contacting her dad? Don't give it another thought. It's important that you concentrate on yourself and your 2 DD's with the aftermath of this horrible shock.

His mother has tried to phone you? She can wait as well.

Everything is in your own time, on your say-so, no-one else's. I hope you have someone IRL who can help and guide you through what will be an emotional, heart breaking time.

And your 'D'H is a Grade A twat.

She is 20. What would the OP get from telling them about a 20 year old who isn’t being coached anymore?

I agree it's the end of the marriage, sorry OP.
But I disagree that this is grooming. She's 20. Just because people don't like the age gap it does not make it grooming, regardless of knowing each other. She made her own decisions lawfully for two years.
As a comparison, it's legal to marry your cousin in the UK. If they are 20yrs apart by age, it's all weird but not illegal. This strikes me as similar.

If you go to police I'd be fascinated to know what they say. What law would be cited? I suspect they would say no law has been broken, but do let us know if you take up this action.

A lot of keyboard warriors with no citations or evidence of successful prosecution - It's just adultery I reckon. Just handle the divorce with dignity. Good luck.

My thoughts too. She's an adult. Old enough to get married, have kids, drink, smoke, serve in the armed forces.....she's not a child. And he hasn't coached for over 10 years now. What on earth do people expect would happen?

Oh bless your dd for helping you and wanting to find out more. Assuming the girl is telling the truth and I'd assume she is, I think I'd park the grooming stuff for now and try to forget that part. It's horrible, he was unfaithful in a hideous way, what you need to space and time to decide what to do next. I am sorry this has happened to you, it's awful. Best of luck.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
But be careful as sometimes on mumsnet people project their own situations/fears or simply get carried away. There will still be a crowd of posters adamant her saying this is just part of the grooming process
Of course it may be true, but I think you have to take it for what the lady says it was. A drunken moment, probably not much thought from either of them (saying that I suspect she's mortified)
He has broken your trust, you need to decide what you do from here.
Please take care of yourself and your children.

It’s horrendous that he has been unfaithful @Lookslikelou I am so very sorry for the hurt and devastation I know you will be feeling.

My concern here would be that he has confessed only because what he did goes beyond cheating. I wonder if he felt as if her coerced her somehow, or that he feels/suspects she wasn’t quiet the willing participant he thought/wanted her to be. So he not only perhaps feels guilty about the cheating, but felt the need to tell you in anticipation of other consequences should she report him.

Is he an unusual attractive 50 year old that a young woman in her 20s would be enthusiastic about having a one night stand in a hotel with a man she knows to be married with daughters her own age???

I am so sorry, the cheating alone is bad enough, but the horror you must feel at the age gap and circumstances.

Brace yourself OP, I’m pretty sure there is more to come out of the woodwork here. 💐

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. I can’t imagine how you feel. Your husband is a groomer, at the very least he’s morally wrong doing this with someone he knew as a child. Please look after yourself, I am so sorry!

Ok well at least he doesn’t appear to have groomed her.

One has to hope he didn’t ply her with alcohol.

I’d step away from the forum and focus on yourself. I am so sorry you’re going through this.

You don't need to involve her dad in this. She is 20 and was a consenting adult. Its perverted seeing as he taught her when she was younger, but he hasn't done anything illegal. I am so sorry he has thrown your marriage away and turned your family life upside down for a quick shag though. I'm glad you have chucked him out, do not take him back!

I wouldn't say paedo - she's 20, an adult. Grooming maybe...

You have done nothing wrong OP. It's easy for others on here to tell you what to do when they haven't had thier entire world turned upside down the way you have. It's OK to focus on yourself and your DDs at the moment. You have left him and that is enough for now, if he was still coaching it would be a different matter.

OP, I am so sorry for the pain you must be going through right now, it would have been a devastating shock to you.

However, and I know this is not going to be popular but there is another side to this, that doesn't excuse his behaviour but I would not be as sure as others that it has played out as starkly as some on here would suggest.

I used to be a leader in a youth group type thing, and I build a good relationship with a few kids and their parents as I should imagine your husband did. Not only did I see them at these group meetings but we went on activity holidays with them and as you do, you build friendships and they confided things in me that they felt uncomfortable talking to their parents about. We went our separate way as the kids grew up and perhaps move on or away but I still chatted happily with their parents and occasionally them to if they were around. There was nothing nasty or seedy about it.

This isn't grooming! Grooming typically refers to the process of building a relationship with a child to exploit or abuse them.

I have met up with some of them as adults, sometimes accidentally, others pre-arranged. They are old friends, we have some good memories of all the time we spent together with them and their parents.

If I was having a large party and I knew they were around I would have invited them, indeed I did when I got married. I see no problem with him inviting her to a family gathering and I can understand why he may have met up with her for a catch up. What I do have a concern about is why he didn't mention it was her.

He is a married man and Father so there is no excuse for what he did and he knows it. But credit where credit is due, he volunteered the information to the OP and he could have kept quiet. To me that is not the action of a man who pre-planned and is comfortable with what he did, he clearly feels guilty and needed to come clean.

I'm not excusing his behaviour and I understand how betrayed and shocked you must feel but I think there could be some hope here, if you can and want to get your head around it when the initial shock is over.

Back to the accusations of grooming: -
Grooming, in the context of a relationship with a child, refers to the process by which an adult builds a relationship, trust, and emotional connection with a child to manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. This process can be gradual and often involves the following steps:

1. Targeting the Victim: The adult identifies a vulnerable child.
2. Gaining Trust: The adult gains the child's trust by giving them attention, gifts, or special treatment.
3. Filling a Need: The adult may fill a need in the child's life, such as providing emotional support or companionship.
4. Isolation: The adult isolates the child from friends and family to gain more control - it doesn't sound like this has happened here.
5. Creating Secrecy: The adult encourages the child to keep their relationship a secret. Again, it doesn't sound like this happened here
6. Sexualizing the Relationship: The adult gradually introduces sexual content or behaviour to the relationship but If a relationship develops years later when both parties are adults, it may not fit the traditional definition of grooming. However, the power dynamics and history of the relationship can raise ethical and legal concerns. It's important to consider the context and seek professional advice if needed.

Unless there is more to this than has already been revealed, I very much doubt points 1-5 will stand in this case and point 6 is self explanatory.

I really am sorry for how much pain you are going through right now and if ultimately it is the line crossed for you, I would totally understand it, but I equally think that depending on any info which may come to light, there is a possibility that there is something to be rescued here. Big hugs!

The governing body would prevent him from coaching in the future. There's currently nothing to stop him doing that.
The OP would get peace of mind.

That's fucking revolting

Please get your affairs in order and make a plan

That's basically grooming

Credit to your daughter, she’s handled that really well. She must be distraught.

She's an adult. From an age perspective she was legally able to consent; they'd been drinking, but there's no suggestion that she was inebriated beyond that capacity. The safeguarding professional upthread says that in her experience encounters like this do sometimes occur into adulthood. It isn't your responsibility to contact her father or the police.

Nonetheless I don't think the girl is to blame. A second professional opinion upthread that I'd pay attention to is that of the female former coach, who drew attention to the inappropriateness from a safeguarding perspective that any child should be coached alone by an adult. I don't know whether this was what happened, but if it did, that's a point of concern.

The girl herself claims the encounter was a one-off. Taking this as accepted, it still doesn't negate the worrying patterns described upthread. His continued contact with her parents and the fact that this translated to her once she was of a more mature age. The knowledge already widely known about grooming: that they often involve the parents and do this in plain sight. The long-game, as described by a PP above, played by men with this MO. The circumstances under which your husband was able to bring this encounter about.

The girl herself might strongly have suggested that the prospect of any inappropriate behaviour between them wasn't in her mind, but that's not to say it wasn't in his. His actions over a very long period of time augur strongly of grooming and accord with the typical patterns of behaviour associated with it.
And he alone is 100% to blame for the bomb he's just detonated into your marriage.

I'm so sorry, OP.