He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

I totally agree that it’s not OP’s responsibility right now to be looking out for the welfare of the 20 year old. But what in the actual fuck is this comment “I know it's the done thing to claim that every sexual liaison outside of marriage was abuse but in most cases it really isn't.”

People are rightly objecting to the fact that HE COACHED HER FOR YEARS AS A YOUNG CHILD - not simply the fricking age gap! Of course grooming would be a concern as who knows how long they have been texting each other. Sorry you have such poor reading comprehension.

Yes, people are. Pushing her to take some sort of misguided action!

Best advice I can give is to have this thread deleted and start a fresh one with the bare bones of how to plan a divorce, without any of the details here that are providing salivatory fodder for people to fight over.

No one here can answer if he groomed her or was just in touch as a former coach. Or who started things, regardless of whether he should have stopped it. Or if it was a one off that he was guilt ridden about. Or if he is planning a long term relationship. No one here can know any of it. They can only speculate, and escalate in increasingly frothy and argumentative tones.

And it is the sort of thread that the tabloid and online rag press love to repost. It will draw all the unhelpful shit posters from across the internet and social media.

It really is absolutely bizarre and unhelpful.

Jeez, 20 yo. That would be an absolute deal breaker for me also.
Your DH is a 24 carat fuckwit😡

Naive, my arse - most decent men of 50 wouldn't consider shagging such a young woman, because they have higher standards.

Must just be the ones you know.

I don't know anyone who would commit murder over it either - it wouldn't exactly be a sensible option either. Jesus!!

Haha yes must be……….you answered your own question with ‘decent’………

That doesn't even make sense.

Well I’ll let you think about it for a while………

No thanks I won't be wasting any more of my evening.

I don't hang out with people who think violence is a reaction to anything!

Sorry he has done this to you and your family. Heart breaking. I do wonder if the family had concerns years ago and that why they moved her away from him?

Yet you think grooming a child and having sex with them when they are barely adult is acceptable.

Firstly we’re not hanging out and secondly you clearly do the opposite as you’re sat on MN……

I don't think you need to analyse it, Lookslikeiou, nothing went on years ago when she was being coached by your husband, the girl is now an adult.

He has been unfaithful to you, that's what it's all about. She is young, will probably think no more about it except perhaps to consider it a notch on her bed post, and move on.

At his age one would have hoped he'd have learned self restraint but it has happened.

You need some time and space to process this and decide whether or not you want him back. I can understand how terribly hurtful this is, most of us would be devastated. It's good that he's gone elsewhere for a while.

Stupid, stupid, stupid man! He is the one who stands to lose the most.

No one here can answer if he groomed her or was just in touch as a former coach.

There is no 'just', and this is minimising again. Professionals upthread with experience of both coaching and safeguarding have already explained why maintaining contact with past protegees in this way is a no-no.

One of the many problems with this thread and so many others like it is that the minute a woman posts in distress as a result of a man's behaviour, the usual suspects immediately come out of the woodwork and the minimising starts. See above: the many unconscionable posts blaming OP or the young woman concerned, downplaying the very obvious implications of the husband's behaviour and plugging the narrative that what he's done isn't really all that bad. Worse, the onus of responsibility for fixing things somehow falls on the OP.

It happens again and again on this site and it leaves a really bitter taste in the mouth. And unfortunately, yes, as often happens, OP's distress has become buried under this issue. This is regrettable: it's also a thing that happens on this site with predictable regularity.

It's essential we place the burden of responsibility where it really rests in these situations. If we don't do that, it's helping to maintain the prevailing cultural winds of a society set up primarily to protect men's predilections, rugsweep the worst of their behaviour, and shift the blame for it onto women. At the same time, it also pressurises women to remain silent about these actions. The implications of 'D'H's behaviour are grave: they set off some very serious alarm bells and if they don't, they should. It is not helpful to pretend this isn't the case.

When I see people do this, I ask myself exactly who stands to gain by keeping the status quo exactly as it is. What do women in particular stand to gain by it?

If people think this sort of thing is helping the OP, they're sorely mistaken.

@Lookslikelou sweetheart you've fallen into a nest of vipers with this thread.

Please seek support but elsewhere. I can't recommend surviving infidelity enough. Posters there will be empathic, kind and sensitive.

You owe this woman NOTHING. You owe yourself everything. Please practise self care you have had a huge trauma. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. But you will survive it.

Moment by moment right now. Huge huge hug.

What I think is neither here nor there! It's got nothing to do with the OP. Leave her alone!

@Lookslikelou, I am very sorry for your great shock and pain which your H has inflicted.

50 and 20. It is beyond disturbing that, after having a long-term coaching/mentoring role during her childhood, he is now sexually attracted to her and has acted on that attraction. He failed to protect his fidelity and made a multitude of unethical choices every step of the way, destroying your marriage in the process.

I do wonder about the tone and content of their chat in recent years. It set the stage for the party invitation and the weakened boundaries that led to their sexual encounter and his heinous betrayal of you and your daughters.

Future emotional ramifications for this young woman after having sex with her much older, married former coach/role model and playing a part in the betrayal of his family remain to be seen. Yes, she is a legal adult at 20 and she made choices, but the power in their dynamic is still imbalanced, and he gained thrills and validation from that.

@Lookslikelou, self-care and absorbing the support of trusted family/friends should be the order of the day. Knowledge is power, so educating yourself by consulting with a solicitor should also be a priority. @AcrossthePond55 has written excellent suggestions on page 10.

Again, I am so sorry that you and your girls are going through this trauma. I will be thinking of you.

That’s not right, if he had been her teacher or doctor, counsellor etc there I think there could potentially be police involved? The fact that he had regular contact with her when she was a child and now this is a red flag. If she were 40…..but she’s only 20 so it’s not been that long she was was a legal child (she 18, even if consent age is 16, by definition you are a legal child until 18).

i’d run a mile from him.

Oh, I do apologise for my misuse of a single word. I use 'just' all the time in my day to day language. It's a habit of mine. Replace it with simply or remove it entirely, the sentence has the same meaning. At no point am I minimising what has happened. I am 'simply' saying no one here knows the truth. Given than OP knows her husband was in touch with the family, and that the mum is dead, the communication was obviously not a secret.

But well done on missing the entire point of my post. Which was that the thread has become hugely unhelpful, is attracting the vultures and has become completely derailed.

Oh no!

That's surely a safeguarding issue too. Does he still coach?

I have no advice for you, OP, just a hand hold.

This is so wrong. I hope he isn’t involved in coaching any more …

Agree with all of this.

Just thinking about this, and trying to get my head around the husband’s behaviour. My DS is 21. We moved when he was 10. I couldn’t imagine meeting up with one of his friends who I knew when they were aged 10(!) now and thinking of them in a sexual way.
It would feel really wrong and gross

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP . Don’t do anything you don’t want to do . Telling her dad is pointless - focus on you not them .

It’s not a nice situation , it’s definitely weird that he knew her as a child and then this has happened … but it doesn’t make him a paedophile. A paedophile has sexual interest in a child - she’s not a child . Also , grooming … again, this is usually done to someone under the age of consent . They are both consenting adults. I’m not saying it’s morally right - it isn’t - but people need to stop adding on to OPs pain by suggesting the father of her children is a predator. The fact is , he knew her as a child and now she is a woman . They’ve both cheated that’s the simple facts .

I hope you’re ok OP 💐