He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

Hard disagree. If you know and care for someone as a child, are in a position of trust and authority, and then use the “bond” to advance sexually on this person when they become of age… ding ding ding, that’s Grooming!

Sadly, many victims of grooming do not and some NEVER realise it’s grooming. Doesn’t change the facts of what it is though, does it?

How disgusting. How old is this girl? Clearly your dirty grooming nonce of a husband cannot let back into your life. Would he even be safe around your children?!

Delete this thread, get proper advice in real life, people on here just love the sensationalist aspect of the story, I doubt it's doing you any good.

OP, at least your daughter has established what has happened.
Do not contact her father.

Your husband is a twat and I can well imagine you have the permanent ick and feel your marriage is probably over.

Look after yourself and your daughter for now.
How absolutely shocking for you.

I have known of a few friends who had 100% consentual flings age 20 with professors at university that were 45-50.

Sure there was a power imbalance but the girls were absolutely up for it and never for a second felt taken advantage of, and that belief hasn't changed in nearly 40 years as we are still friends.

The ick part of this is the child/adult coach dynamic.
Your husbands lack of judgement to have done this is astounding, but some 20 year olds can find older men very attractive.

I know I did.

Yep.

Horrific. Sounds like grooming.

Why are you even trying to question what she was thinking? Her frontal lobe isn't fully developed! He is a 50 year old man and should have had more cop on than to meet a 20 year old (who he knew as a child!) for drinks.

error - wrong thread

It doesn't matter if it only happened once; the trust is broken. He planned to cheat on you, or he would have told you that he was meeting with her.

The fact that he has known her since she was a child makes it so much worse. And at 20 years old, she's barely an adult. I would inform her parents about it and file for divorce immediately.

I hope you have someone to support you through this. Remember, this is his shame to carry.

What is drawing the ire here isn’t the fact that the husband is married, so much as that the woman is young enough to be his daughter-

The other post with the much older woman and the lad had no one saying she was a groomer or anything else- in fact some were saying to go and have a good time.

There are definitely double standards with age gap sexual encounters.

People rarely accuse an older woman of “Grooming” a young male.

Why on earth would her parents need to know?
She’s not a child-
The age of consent in U.K. is 16 yrs old.

I doubt she’ll be happy with someone telling her parents at age 20!

Op, look after yourself. People forget that this is someone’s life. It’s a horrible situation to be in. You are probably heartbroken, confused and feeling completely helpless.
I just hope you have some good friends or family to support you. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

He was in a position of authority over her. Who's to say he didn't groom her when she was underage?

OP, have you checked his phone yet?

Ignore those people. You have no need to contact this girl's father.

It's not on you.

God love you, what a horrible, horrible thing your husband has done. I really feel for you x

You poor thing, what a repulsive disgusting man he is ! How can you ever look at him the same again !

If he did, he did.

It seems unlikely as the OP has said that he hasn't coached for 6 years.

Don't you think the OP has enough to deal with?!

He kept in touch with her and slept with her at the first chance he got.

How are your alarm bells not ringing?

This is not the OP's problem!!!

I don't actually care.

I care about the actual woman posting here in a state of devastation.

No 1, the man hasn't coached for 6 years.
No 2, the girl has told the OP's DD that nothing happened.

Give the woman a break!!!

Well this is not the place for that.

The OP is not responsible and I am sure these posts are only serving to distress her further!!

So he’s disgusting. I would speak to a lawyer as cheating in my eyes is end of marriage. Get any information you need to put you in a good position to get legal advice and dump his paedophilic ass. Gross.

Why are you so adamant that him grooming her doesn't play a role in this? Vile.

OP, be honest with your daughter. Don't protect him.

They were both to blame! They didn't accidentally have sex!!!

My DDs are repulsed by the idea of much smaller age gap relationships - this would disgust them!!

I don't know what 50 year old wants to shag a 20 year old, or vice versa!!

Agree. I’d be complaining to his organisation first off. He isn’t a safe person to have around young people and they need to be protected. Obviously you’ll be leaving him, he’s now ruined his life and reputation for an hour of fun. Stupid man.

For clarity - the OP is NOT RESPONSIBLE for her cheating ex's actions!

I wish you would stop distressing her! That's what's vile!