He cheated on me with a 20 year old he used to coach

[Lookslikelou]

My husband turned 50 between Christmas and new year, we have been together for 25 years. He was a sports coach for many years, it’s an individual sport but he coached a club/team. This particular girl became his protege per se, he would get up early to coach her in the morning when she was 10/11 but she moved away. He kept in touch, first with her parents then as she got older with her. I don’t know if she even does the sport any more. Anyway she was in our city for new year and he had a party for his birthday the weekend before, he invited her and she came to the party. The next night he went out, he said to meet a friend, I didn’t question it.

Now he has been weird the last few weeks, quiet, not interested in sex etc. Last night he told me he had to tell me something and he told me that he met her at the pub, they got drunk, they went back to her hotel and had sex. I’m devastated, I wanted to ask so many questions about why etc. but I just cried. I asked if it only happened this once and he said yes.

I feel ill, he knew her when she was 9-12, she is younger than one of our daughters!!!

What do I do? Our marriage is over but how do I cope?!

I'm not stuck to find things that are cringe about it.

This is awful for you all , give yourself sometime to process this . I think he obviously fancied her as an adult and was vague with you about meeting her that night. He doesn't want to live with the guilt , so he has offloaded it onto you to deal with .

OMG your victim blaming! Did she flirt? What the hell

@pookie999 - read the rest of that sentence - women are allowed to flirt - no victim blaming here. "Did she flirt with him and being a numpty he felt flattered and responded? "
The OP's former husband didn't have to act on that but it appears he may have acted on a flirtation or the 20 yr old jumped his bones or a number of things may have happened for the sex to happen. I also don't believe that she is a victim in any of this. She's an adult and knew that the bloke she was about to have sex with was married with a family. This isn't helping the OP at all though.

@Lookslikelou I’d consider reporting your DH to the police for possible grooming.

I’d also like to say your daughter is amazing to contact this young woman to ask if she is ok and safe, even though this will have been devastating news for her too.

A man of 50 probably couldn’t believe his luck- yet double standards are on MN

Older woman asked if it was appropriate to have sex with a 20 yr old lad the other week

People said GO FOR IT.

Older women are seen as ok with lads young enough to be their sons..on here at least.

This
I know you are dealing with a rollercoaster of emotions OP and you may even be considering giving your marriage a try. But you need to ask yourself if you can live longterm with your husband knowing what has happened.
You need to nurture yourself and your children.

Good point and I remember the post you are referring to.
As you said, double standards

I'm so sorry OP. Please give yourself all the time you need to process this and don't be pressured into seeing him or talking to him until YOU are ready. He has known what he's done for a couple of weeks and controlled when, how and what he told you. Whereas you've suddenly had the rug pulled out from under your world. Be kind to yourself, make sure you eat, try to talk to someone in real life.

Apart from the obvious awfulness, the fact that he told you he was going to meet "a friend" stood out to me. Not being up front about the group meeting, especially as your daughter knows this person, does make it look as though he had some designs.

I disagree that you should contact the dad. You have enough on your plate and as you said, you don't know her family circumstances.

I'm so sorry, OP.

At the end of the day, your husband happily stuck his d*ck in another girl. That alone is bad enough. But for the girl to be younger than his own daughter, a girl he coached as a child, just gross.

I couldn't come back from that. Slimeball.

I say that as listening to 2 girls at my gym last night who are about 20 and working while they went to Uni, talking about the 'gross guy they work for/with in his 50s' who was messaging them inappropriately. They were thoroughly 'icked' over it and felt it was completely disgusting. This is not normal behaviour for girls that age to actually sleep with these creeps!

Agree with both points.

Except in that case both were single..

Im so sorry op.

What a dirty, filthy pervert he is.

So sorry you’re going through this crap. If you want to talk to a friend about it, just tell them the minimum info. that he cheated on you with a much younger woman, but there’s no need to give any further details.

Forget the grooming angle, that’s just idiotic posters being twatty and trying to score points amongst themselves. Loads of young women have sex with older men just because they can. Means fuck all and she’s likely to be feeling very silly now she’s sober.

You’re not responsible for his or anyone else’s behaviour so focus on your own feelings and give yourself time to think about your next steps. No need to rush into anything especially as he’s gone to his mum’s.

Did the woman in the previous post say she was also this 20 year old man’s teacher for many years growing up and that he was a classmate of her own son or have I missed something? Not double standards at all, both of you give yer heads a good wobble.

Unforgivable.

She is 20 and won't want to be in a long term relationship with him therefore he will tell you that he knew he was wrong, it was a mistake and he loves you so much yada yada yada. Basically he will tell you what you need to hear to allow him to stay but it is all crap. Do what you need to do, it is now all about you, what he thinks or feels is totally irrelevant. All he wants is his old comfy life.
If he is an official coach you need to get in touch with the sports governing body.

Umm, wasn't that the case with the PM of France? He married his former teacher and still together decades later.

Not only were they single, the age gap was 20 years (F was 45 and M was 25) - he was heavily pushing for a “relationship” and she was holding back, wary and asking advice. He did not sound vulnerable and she hadn’t been in a position of authority over him at some point.
this is different.

I’m so sorry @Lookslikelou And I didn’t mean to derail your thread.
there are some amazingly strong women on here and some fantastic threads on how people have coped in these situations and left partners and steps they have taken.
Also I do know one woman whose H had a major affair with a younger sports woman and friend decided to forgive him. She made a calculated decision in a very strong way, laying down all the ground rules for them getting back together. She reckoned they would have a better life staying together as she didn’t want to be a single mum. Anyway 8 years on they’re very happy and have worked through it. I imagine you are in the driving seat here - so I hope you can be strong about what you want to happen.

What a swine.

Just because the relationship is still going on doesn’t ever stop it being gross and inappropriate. It doesn’t stop it being grooming either.

That's the point;it's about individual perception

You cope by making plans for you !! Book a nice trip, plan how to decorate your new place if moving etc. Walk away with your head high !

He is a beast and clearly likes young girls ! I wouldn’t even speak a word to him ever ever again. I would see him as a disgusting predator and would view this way beyond a one night stand or a mistake.

Vile vile man, you will be fine don’t worry.

Emmm, rumour has it he is batting for the other team though....

@oakleaffy the woman didn't know him since he was 9/10, very different and hardly comparable....