Told my mum to F*** Off

[FishMouse]

Long story slightly shorter, in all the Christmas confusion I forgot to give my kids their Christmas money from my mum.
She doesn't come to me at Christmas and I can't go to her because she spends the holidays with my sister.
She insisted on handing the cards and presents over in a car park the week before Christmas. I offered to pick them up, or for her to drop off at my house, as it was a really inconvenient time and location, but she absolutely insisted.
Anyway, I found the cards in the bottom of my handbag last week. Immediately handed them to kids with apologies.
They had had presents from her as well, which had been handed over by me on Christmas day, I just completely forgot she had given me cards with money in too.
My daughter phoned her to say thank you and she went absolutely batshit that I had forgotten. DD had to tell her to stop slagging me off to her (mum has form for this).
I was mortified that I had forgotten the money. I had a lot going on but still pretty bad!
I was expecting her to be upset but she rang me the next day shouting and screaming. How could I, I can never put it right, how could I upset her so much etc, how much effort she had gone to, she hadn't slept as was so upset etc.. I apologised profusely and was shouted at some more.
She phoned back "to apologise for shouting at me", and then started up again!
This time saying it's my fault she shouted at me, noone else makes her react like this, if I want her to stop shouting at me I need to stop making mistakes. Look what you made me do, in other words! So I told her to fuck off and hung up.
She has form for screaming at me if I don't do what she thinks is appropriate. She always says she "is a shouter" - only shouts at me though! And I mean out of control screaming. My partner cannot understand how I let her do that.
I think I've finally had enough. I suppose I'm asking what I should do next. I feel sorry for her, widowed, "all on her own" but she is just nasty sometimes.

Good for you. She clearly has form for it when it comes to you. Looks like she issues you as her punching bag so to speak

Personally I would sit her down or on the phone and simply tell her you have had enough of her shouting at you it is abuse and until she can do that you won't be engaging with her

Bloody well done you! What a ridiculous reaction from your mother!

She sounds a bit unhinged. That is an extremely disproportionate reaction, to a minor, unintentional misstep. You weren't keeping the money for yourself, you just forgot to give it 'at Christmas'. Hardly crime of the century!

Honestly, you need to take back some control. If she starts speaking to you in a disrespectful way, just calmly say 'I won't tolerate being spoken to this way, I'm hanging up now. When you're calm we can talk.' And then just put the phone down, or if you're in person, leave. Set the clear boundary that you won't be spoken to that way. She's your mum, but that doesn't give her the right to be so unpleasant to you.

Your daughter shouldn't have mentioned that they only just got the cards and money as that's ignited the whole issue.

She should have just been tactful and said that she wanted to thank her after Christmas had died down and she had plenty of time to talk and catch up with grandmother.

That’s no way to speak to someone, anyone, OP, let alone your own child. I mean she could be cross but to express it like that is just plain wrong, disrespectful and hurtful.
Tell her she can’t speak to you like that and go from there.
I know it’s not easy. I suspect you’ll get more shouting or silent treatment in return. The only way to deal with it is to draw a firm line about how you’ll allow yourself to be treated.

What utter nonsense

Why? Why should everyone tread on eggshells around unhinged grandma?

I have no contact with my mother after putting boundaries in over similar issues, so I appreciate how difficult it must have been for you to finally put an end to it.

I reached a point where I decided I would not tolerate being screamed at over trivial matters. I told her as much and said that when an apology was forthcoming for her latest foul mouthed rant, and she could talk to me civilly, we could resume our relationship.

That was years ago, I've not heard from her since.

“After all the effort she went to “ - dumping the stuff on you in a carpark of her choice isn’t that much bloody effort.
She sounds like a nightmare. Good for you for standing up for yourself.
I wouldn’t do anything going forwards. Keep her at arms length, let some of her calls go to voicemail etc. You haven’t done anything wrong. Don’t fall back into the pattern of letting her speak to you like this. Draw a line. If you choose to answer any calls then disconnect the call if she starts shouting at you and don’t put up with it.

Do you think she feels sorry for you?. Not a bit of it and these types never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your boundaries are pretty weak here when it comes to your mother. She knows this and takes full advantage.

She is not above using DARVO on you either. You would not tolerate this from a friend surely so stop tolerating it from your mother. Withdraw completely and deal with any fear, obligation and guilt you have re her through therapy.

She being widowed is no excuse or justification for how she has treated you and she calls her own self a shouter. I think she has treated you like this your entire life and you grew up with her as a parent so regard her behaviour as normal for her. I would reduce all social interactions with her going forward down to zero sum.

Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Sounds like telling her to fuck off was long overdue

My mum tried this many years ago. I hung up as soon as she started. She rang back. I hung up. After doing that about 10 times, she stopped. That's the beauty of phones. You just don't have to listen to it. Don't be abused by her.

Good.
I have been thinking to do the same with my narcissistic, abusive mother in another country.
Because I'm a horrible b*tch, I probably won't, since I need her massive family apartment (her generation used to get for nothing from the Government).
😐

Jeez. Why on earth would anyone encourage children to lie especially to appease a nasty, unhinged cunt who was bad mouthing their mother to them.

So glad you told her to fuck off, OP. Keep saying it until she learns some manners.

I'm sorry but I'm having trouble getting past the car park handover. It sounds deliberate, as if she was devaluing you. I'd bet actual money its part of a wider pattern.

Thanks all. I do think she is irrational and maybe has some mental health issues. I suggested that she gets some help with how I seem to trigger her, she refuses point blank. I am glad it's not just me who has had this situation.
She's used to me just accepting it I think, but no more. I've been slowly realising over the last few years that her behaviour to me is really not ok. If I do anything that she thinks reflects badly on her (in reality no one cares) she goes batshit.
I did think of telling kids not to tell her that the money was late, but then why should they pussyfoot round her.

Yes it was very much that I, or the present handover, was a chore to be got out of the way asap. I did say to her, that the rushed car park thing hadn't helped, and she said I was blaming her. Maybe it serves her right that I forgot.

Good for you, enjoy the peace.

Fwiw I didn't let that toxic behaviour back into my life afterwards. Not a flying monkey or a health crisis will drag me back.

Stop being her whipping boy.

"I'm not prepared to be shouted at any longer. I will not be communicating with you at all until you get some help with your anger management"

OP

Please stop making excuses for her. MH issues do not cause people to become abusive.

What if anything do you know about her childhood, that often gives clues. Her family did this lot of damage to her and in turn she has further done emotional harm to you.

It may well be she has some form of untreated, and untreatable personality disorder. regardless, it is not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way.

She does not act like this to other people does she?. No. I daresay she does not have any real friends either, there is good reason why too. She's driven them away by her actions.

Stay away from her going forward; your children will also thank you for doing that.

In the event she can control herself around other people she does not have an anger management problem. In any event AM courses are no answer for abusive treatment like you have received from her. Her plan to meet you in the car park was deliberate and designed to put you on the back foot.

Don't blame Op's DD for her grandmother's behaviour.

Bravo in my opinion.

This is what is known as a boundary.

The daughter was being polite though and she may have already thanked her for the other present.
OP your mum sounds as though she has issues. It was an extremely over the top reaction to a mistake

What crap this post is. Really.

Op, good for you. Unbelievable response from your mother. I bet she will behave better from now on and if she doesn't, well you know what to say.