Told my mum to F*** Off

[FishMouse]

Long story slightly shorter, in all the Christmas confusion I forgot to give my kids their Christmas money from my mum.
She doesn't come to me at Christmas and I can't go to her because she spends the holidays with my sister.
She insisted on handing the cards and presents over in a car park the week before Christmas. I offered to pick them up, or for her to drop off at my house, as it was a really inconvenient time and location, but she absolutely insisted.
Anyway, I found the cards in the bottom of my handbag last week. Immediately handed them to kids with apologies.
They had had presents from her as well, which had been handed over by me on Christmas day, I just completely forgot she had given me cards with money in too.
My daughter phoned her to say thank you and she went absolutely batshit that I had forgotten. DD had to tell her to stop slagging me off to her (mum has form for this).
I was mortified that I had forgotten the money. I had a lot going on but still pretty bad!
I was expecting her to be upset but she rang me the next day shouting and screaming. How could I, I can never put it right, how could I upset her so much etc, how much effort she had gone to, she hadn't slept as was so upset etc.. I apologised profusely and was shouted at some more.
She phoned back "to apologise for shouting at me", and then started up again!
This time saying it's my fault she shouted at me, noone else makes her react like this, if I want her to stop shouting at me I need to stop making mistakes. Look what you made me do, in other words! So I told her to fuck off and hung up.
She has form for screaming at me if I don't do what she thinks is appropriate. She always says she "is a shouter" - only shouts at me though! And I mean out of control screaming. My partner cannot understand how I let her do that.
I think I've finally had enough. I suppose I'm asking what I should do next. I feel sorry for her, widowed, "all on her own" but she is just nasty sometimes.

Most families have a "whipping post" @FishMouse and sadly that is you.

The last couple of months I have gone NC with my M and sister, they have a weird mutual loathing/reliance on each other and I have listened to them both hating on each other and other people for too long.

The relief of taking my leave from it all is immense. Come join in, it is great!

Daughter would very obviously have got a similar performance for being late to call if she hadn't explained why she was only just calling.

I would go very low/no contact. She's verbally abusive and way out of line. Good on your dd for calling her out. If there are no consequences for dm's bad behaviour it will continue. Stop allowing it. Forever after, at the first sign of her raising her voice, hang up the phone or walk out of the room. She abuses you because you let her. Stop letting her.

Yeah OP as others have said your mum completely overreacted and was in the wrong. She shouldn’t have yelled and upset you so much about such a non issue.

Im never for telling someone to F off. There are more effective ways of telling someone you have had enough and don’t want to speak to them again. I get you are upset and had every right to create that boundary but when the story gets retold it will be you saying that not her yelling or overreacting.

She sounds absolutely unhinged and I wouldn't allow anyone like that around my kids.

Well done for standing up to her, OP.

It sounds like she gets something out of treating you this way and she's not going to stop so it's definitely time to set some firm boundaries with her and stick to them like your life depends on it.

It's sad that your kids are even having to tell her to stop slagging you off to them. What a dreadful position for her to put them in. She is living in a World in which she feels she can scapegoat and abuse you at her will.

I'd be distancing myself for a while and removing myself/the kids from her the second she starts, be that by phone or in person.

Nobody should have to put up with that treatment. Also, now that the kids are clearly aware of it, the way you react to it is a hundred times more important. You don't want them being conditioned to put up with things they shouldn't via your poor relationship with your DM.

Where is your Dsis in all this? Does she recognise the difference in treatment or ever stand up for you? How is your relationship with her?

“no that’s probably why she does it because she gets away with it.”

Nope. She does it because she is abusive. I don’t scream at my kids about cards because I’m not abusive. If I scream at them it’s because of me, not because they’re not calling the police on me when I’m abusive. Or because I need educating. It’s because I need to hurt them to feel better.

Your mum says all the things abusers say. That’s very illuminating.

Yes she does, absolutely. I can't unsee this now. I did point it out to her too, when she said it. Along with the meaningless of saying "I'm sorry, but.." which she also trotted out.

Sister would never stand up for me, I doubt she even notices. She is very needy/ manipulative, mum panders to her completely. Unsurprisingly we aren't close.

My mum suddenly remembered a parcel had come for me from my uncle in Australia, in the 3rd week in January. She's put it away when it arrived and promptly forgot about it. I was just excited that I had another present to open and my uncle thought it was funny that my super organised mum had forgotten it .

What, pander to the abuser??

Keep it short and simple. Tell her if she starts shouting at you, that you're hanging up. And do it, every time. This will work!

I would message her to say you're waiting for an apology and you won't contact her until you get it.

Sometimes people just get sick of always being the 'bigger person'. It was a genuine, heartfelt response to her mother's toxicity.

Ooh, there's still time for a New Year's Resolution, methinks!

'I resolve to have as little contact as is humanly possible with my abusive mother and my manipulative sister. I will use whatever means(§) prove to be necessary, including telling them to fuck off, hanging up on them, and slamming the door in their faces.'

Note (§) - This is not an exhaustive list.

Seriously - your mother is abusive and you don't need her in your life. I'd be absolutely done with her.((hug))

I think you should have as little contact as possible and certainly not your children. If she's going to slag you off to them you need to stop that.
It was a simple mistake and easy done tbh. Not exactly any harm done by a forgotten card and cash! She sounds awful

Maybe it's best to distance from both of them, then?

Be interesting how long they keep up playing happy families without their designated fall guy & punch bag!

Keep it short and simple. Tell her if she starts shouting at you, that you're hanging up. And do it, every time. This will work

Please tell me no one has ever confided in you about domestic abuse. ‘This is how you train people to control their urge to harm you’ not ‘spend no time with people who you know want to harm you.

I don’t think you or your Mother behaved very well.
She was trying to do something nice for your kids and it inconvenienced you…
She has a right to be upset you didn’t give the kids their Christmas presents , if she’s on a pension it’s a lot of money. She shouldn’t have shouted!
But you OP shouldn’t have sworn at your mum .
Both of you showed your selves up in front of your children x

I gave them their presents on the day, and the money as soon as I found it. She didn't scream at me in front of the kids. It was a private conversation. She has plenty of money.

Her mum is a toxic narcissist who treats OP like shit. This is the first time that OP has snapped after years of this behaviour. OP forgetting to give the children the cards and money on Christmas Day was a genuine mistake. OP did apologise profusely to her mum during the first phone call but was still shouted at by her mother. This was obviously the straw that broke the camel's back for OP.

Massive overreaction by your mum. I give presents as I want people to have them.
My niece for example is 2. I do not care if she knows a gift is from me. If it makes her happy and makes my sisters life easier as her daughter is happy then great.
Same with your mum-her grandchildren are happy to have the money. January is a great time to have some unexpected cash so it is a non issue. I would be over the moon to receive any cash in an envelope at the moment! She is being out of order.

Stop contact , my goodness, the woman is unhinged.

Sounds like telling her off was way overdue. The next time she yells at you on the phone, you just say I won’t listen to you yell. Hang up. She’ll learn. Only have necessary contact.

So now she's texted, asking to phone me. I said I wasn't interested in hearing it and I've had enough of her behaviour. She replied saying I need to explain in a phone call, and she won't talk she'll just listen! Why she would suddenly start listening now (and why she thinks I would obey her orders), I've got no idea.
She's also talked to my daughter about the row, and told her not to tell me she's mentioned it! She said to DD "you're making me (DM) sound like a bully" and has been a bit off with her since.
I feel so much better having distanced myself. It feels like a holiday.