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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told my mum to F*** Off

104 replies

FishMouse · 13/01/2025 11:11

Long story slightly shorter, in all the Christmas confusion I forgot to give my kids their Christmas money from my mum.
She doesn't come to me at Christmas and I can't go to her because she spends the holidays with my sister.
She insisted on handing the cards and presents over in a car park the week before Christmas. I offered to pick them up, or for her to drop off at my house, as it was a really inconvenient time and location, but she absolutely insisted.
Anyway, I found the cards in the bottom of my handbag last week. Immediately handed them to kids with apologies.
They had had presents from her as well, which had been handed over by me on Christmas day, I just completely forgot she had given me cards with money in too.
My daughter phoned her to say thank you and she went absolutely batshit that I had forgotten. DD had to tell her to stop slagging me off to her (mum has form for this).
I was mortified that I had forgotten the money. I had a lot going on but still pretty bad!
I was expecting her to be upset but she rang me the next day shouting and screaming. How could I, I can never put it right, how could I upset her so much etc, how much effort she had gone to, she hadn't slept as was so upset etc.. I apologised profusely and was shouted at some more.
She phoned back "to apologise for shouting at me", and then started up again!
This time saying it's my fault she shouted at me, noone else makes her react like this, if I want her to stop shouting at me I need to stop making mistakes. Look what you made me do, in other words! So I told her to fuck off and hung up.
She has form for screaming at me if I don't do what she thinks is appropriate. She always says she "is a shouter" - only shouts at me though! And I mean out of control screaming. My partner cannot understand how I let her do that.
I think I've finally had enough. I suppose I'm asking what I should do next. I feel sorry for her, widowed, "all on her own" but she is just nasty sometimes.

OP posts:
Baneofmyexistence · 13/01/2025 12:05

Chuchoter · 13/01/2025 11:20

Your daughter shouldn't have mentioned that they only just got the cards and money as that's ignited the whole issue.

She should have just been tactful and said that she wanted to thank her after Christmas had died down and she had plenty of time to talk and catch up with grandmother.

In no world is this the DD’s fault. Entirely the grandmother’s complete over reaction to a simple mistake that was apologised for.

Nextyearhopes · 13/01/2025 12:06

She sounds like a right piece of work but it would be so much more dignified to kust hang up. By shouting profanity back at her, you have stooped to her level and handed her ammunition.
Keep classy.

Wateroffacatsback · 13/01/2025 12:07

Chuchoter · 13/01/2025 11:20

Your daughter shouldn't have mentioned that they only just got the cards and money as that's ignited the whole issue.

She should have just been tactful and said that she wanted to thank her after Christmas had died down and she had plenty of time to talk and catch up with grandmother.

Don't be so bloody stupid.

Well done OP. Just bin her completely.

Tortielady · 13/01/2025 12:11

Your DD shouldn't have had to draw the line with her DGM, but all credit to her that she did. Slagging a child's parent off to her for a very minor lapse is beyond awful and your DD was right to tell her to stop it. You're doing something right, OP, whatever your DM says.

Sherararara · 13/01/2025 12:15

LTB

Crikeyalmighty · 13/01/2025 12:16

@Nothatgingerpirate ha, ha- yep I get it -

TorroFerney · 13/01/2025 12:18

Chuchoter · 13/01/2025 11:20

Your daughter shouldn't have mentioned that they only just got the cards and money as that's ignited the whole issue.

She should have just been tactful and said that she wanted to thank her after Christmas had died down and she had plenty of time to talk and catch up with grandmother.

Yes that's right, pander to the screaming woman, let's all alter our behaviour and lie by omission that's an excellent lesson for children. No what has ignited the issue (and it isn't an issue) is her mother, 100% on her mother, not on the child and not on the op.

TorroFerney · 13/01/2025 12:26

Nextyearhopes · 13/01/2025 12:06

She sounds like a right piece of work but it would be so much more dignified to kust hang up. By shouting profanity back at her, you have stooped to her level and handed her ammunition.
Keep classy.

Edited

I think she has probably been doing that for years, when someone is considered a doormat you do at some point just crack. I would usually agree that telling someone to F off isn't good behaviour but we all have our limits and for a people pleaser it's therapeutic to get angry I think. It also has the effect of making the other party go off in a massive sulk as they are very emotionally immature , you get space, realise it's peaceful and you don't need them or the drama and that can help reframe the relationship. That happened to me, I didn't say F off to mine but I did say in a quiet but angry voice I am glad I know where I 'Fing stand after she said something unforgivable. She is so dim she didn't think crikey what is going on here that's really hit a nerve i will let the dust settle and then have a chat, she just sulked and ignored me . I meanwhile was beside myself that i had done a bad thing, I hadn't and everyone else said why didn't you do that years ago.

She has really not stooped to her level, that is really unhelpful feedback.

Original poster
FishMouse · 13/01/2025 12:42

Nextyearhopes · 13/01/2025 12:06

She sounds like a right piece of work but it would be so much more dignified to kust hang up. By shouting profanity back at her, you have stooped to her level and handed her ammunition.
Keep classy.

Edited

I agree, but I am way past being classy with her now and I enjoyed it. She'll badmouth me anyway.

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 13/01/2025 12:48

Chuchoter · 13/01/2025 11:20

Your daughter shouldn't have mentioned that they only just got the cards and money as that's ignited the whole issue.

She should have just been tactful and said that she wanted to thank her after Christmas had died down and she had plenty of time to talk and catch up with grandmother.

So the OP's mom bullies her, and you think that's her daughter's fault? Utter nonsense. Her only fault is being a respectful young woman.

The mother sounds like the kind that was probably seething silently that the kids hadn't called to thank her; so it's right to say why she's just called to say thank you.

Knowitall69 · 13/01/2025 12:52

FishMouse · 13/01/2025 11:11

Long story slightly shorter, in all the Christmas confusion I forgot to give my kids their Christmas money from my mum.
She doesn't come to me at Christmas and I can't go to her because she spends the holidays with my sister.
She insisted on handing the cards and presents over in a car park the week before Christmas. I offered to pick them up, or for her to drop off at my house, as it was a really inconvenient time and location, but she absolutely insisted.
Anyway, I found the cards in the bottom of my handbag last week. Immediately handed them to kids with apologies.
They had had presents from her as well, which had been handed over by me on Christmas day, I just completely forgot she had given me cards with money in too.
My daughter phoned her to say thank you and she went absolutely batshit that I had forgotten. DD had to tell her to stop slagging me off to her (mum has form for this).
I was mortified that I had forgotten the money. I had a lot going on but still pretty bad!
I was expecting her to be upset but she rang me the next day shouting and screaming. How could I, I can never put it right, how could I upset her so much etc, how much effort she had gone to, she hadn't slept as was so upset etc.. I apologised profusely and was shouted at some more.
She phoned back "to apologise for shouting at me", and then started up again!
This time saying it's my fault she shouted at me, noone else makes her react like this, if I want her to stop shouting at me I need to stop making mistakes. Look what you made me do, in other words! So I told her to fuck off and hung up.
She has form for screaming at me if I don't do what she thinks is appropriate. She always says she "is a shouter" - only shouts at me though! And I mean out of control screaming. My partner cannot understand how I let her do that.
I think I've finally had enough. I suppose I'm asking what I should do next. I feel sorry for her, widowed, "all on her own" but she is just nasty sometimes.

You need to read "Difficult mothers" by Terri Apter.

It WILL change your life.

LookItsMeAgain · 13/01/2025 12:56

FishMouse · 13/01/2025 12:42

I agree, but I am way past being classy with her now and I enjoyed it. She'll badmouth me anyway.

Show quote history

I agree that she was going to be badmouthing you to whomever will listen to her so you might as well have had some fun!

When she phones you again (and she will, because people like her can't manage or cope with not having the last word), the first words out of your mouth have to be "Are you going to apologise for how you shouted and spoke to me?"

Say nothing else.

If she starts shouting again - say nothing just quietly hang up.
If she doesn't apologise - say nothing and just quietly hang up.

If she does apologise - then you can say "Thank you for that apology. Now, I'm quite busy right now, so perhaps you might phone me back later when I'm not in the middle of something? Great! Thanks. Bye now!" and hang up. Even if all you're doing is reading a newspaper - she isn't to know that and she must learn that she can't phone you on a whim. You're essentially training her to understand that you're no longer going to be her punch bag and you're going to establish some simple and manageable boundaries. That is of course if you still want to have her in your lives.

How do your other sibling(s) manage with her outbursts?

PiggyPigalle · 13/01/2025 13:10

All sounds a bit Checkpoint Charlie during the Cold War with the handing over.
What did you hand back for her gift?

Well done your daughter for the phone call of thanks.

speakball · 13/01/2025 13:13

“ignited the whole issue”

What? This isn’t the Middle East it was a couple of forgotten cards. You sound like the classic family enabler: ‘you know what she’s like’ and so on and on and on.

Original poster
FishMouse · 13/01/2025 13:17

PiggyPigalle · 13/01/2025 13:10

All sounds a bit Checkpoint Charlie during the Cold War with the handing over.
What did you hand back for her gift?

Well done your daughter for the phone call of thanks.

Yes it was a bit! I'd already given her her present a few days before, not in a car park though.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishMouse · 13/01/2025 13:21

LookItsMeAgain · 13/01/2025 12:56

I agree that she was going to be badmouthing you to whomever will listen to her so you might as well have had some fun!

When she phones you again (and she will, because people like her can't manage or cope with not having the last word), the first words out of your mouth have to be "Are you going to apologise for how you shouted and spoke to me?"

Say nothing else.

If she starts shouting again - say nothing just quietly hang up.
If she doesn't apologise - say nothing and just quietly hang up.

If she does apologise - then you can say "Thank you for that apology. Now, I'm quite busy right now, so perhaps you might phone me back later when I'm not in the middle of something? Great! Thanks. Bye now!" and hang up. Even if all you're doing is reading a newspaper - she isn't to know that and she must learn that she can't phone you on a whim. You're essentially training her to understand that you're no longer going to be her punch bag and you're going to establish some simple and manageable boundaries. That is of course if you still want to have her in your lives.

How do your other sibling(s) manage with her outbursts?

Show quote history

She admits that she only shouts at me.
My sister is very much the golden child who also needs a lot of support, from DM obviously. I can't see her getting gifts in a car park tbh.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 13/01/2025 13:38

Some years ago I lost my temper with a family member I usually pussy-foot around and it felt very liberating, so I'm right with you there. In the long run it improved our relationship massively, incidentally. I would consider apologising for the expletive, but make it absolutely clear the sentiment stands.

ThatEllie · 13/01/2025 13:41

She has form for screaming at me if I don't do what she thinks is appropriate. She always says she "is a shouter" - only shouts at me though! And I mean out of control screaming.

Your mother does not like you and will continue to find excuses to yell and scream at you because she doesn’t care about hurting you. She wants a target, a victim, and you are her choice. You need to limit contact with her for your own sake. I’m sorry, it’s awful, but she will never change.

Firingsz · 13/01/2025 13:51

Why are you allowing this horror near your children?
Your daughter having to ask her to stop screaming about you?
Absolutely toxic for your children.

Block her number.
Do not allow her any contact with your children again.
Tell your sister she is welcome to her.
Use this issue so that she never hears from you again.

BlueSky2024 · 13/01/2025 14:04

FishMouse · 13/01/2025 11:11

Long story slightly shorter, in all the Christmas confusion I forgot to give my kids their Christmas money from my mum.
She doesn't come to me at Christmas and I can't go to her because she spends the holidays with my sister.
She insisted on handing the cards and presents over in a car park the week before Christmas. I offered to pick them up, or for her to drop off at my house, as it was a really inconvenient time and location, but she absolutely insisted.
Anyway, I found the cards in the bottom of my handbag last week. Immediately handed them to kids with apologies.
They had had presents from her as well, which had been handed over by me on Christmas day, I just completely forgot she had given me cards with money in too.
My daughter phoned her to say thank you and she went absolutely batshit that I had forgotten. DD had to tell her to stop slagging me off to her (mum has form for this).
I was mortified that I had forgotten the money. I had a lot going on but still pretty bad!
I was expecting her to be upset but she rang me the next day shouting and screaming. How could I, I can never put it right, how could I upset her so much etc, how much effort she had gone to, she hadn't slept as was so upset etc.. I apologised profusely and was shouted at some more.
She phoned back "to apologise for shouting at me", and then started up again!
This time saying it's my fault she shouted at me, noone else makes her react like this, if I want her to stop shouting at me I need to stop making mistakes. Look what you made me do, in other words! So I told her to fuck off and hung up.
She has form for screaming at me if I don't do what she thinks is appropriate. She always says she "is a shouter" - only shouts at me though! And I mean out of control screaming. My partner cannot understand how I let her do that.
I think I've finally had enough. I suppose I'm asking what I should do next. I feel sorry for her, widowed, "all on her own" but she is just nasty sometimes.

She is a nasty bully, have nothing to do with her for the forceable future…..she needs to have a serious think about her behaviour, don’t respond to her texts/ calls

LookItsMeAgain · 13/01/2025 14:08

FishMouse · 13/01/2025 13:21

She admits that she only shouts at me.
My sister is very much the golden child who also needs a lot of support, from DM obviously. I can't see her getting gifts in a car park tbh.

Show quote history

Great - so it's time you were on an equal footing with the Golden Child (or as close to it as you can get).
Starting today - when she calls you, and you're not comfortable with how the conversation is going you could say "Let me interrupt you there. You don't speak to Sister like this so I'm no longer going to allow you to speak to me that way. If you can't speak to me politely, I'll hang up" and then do if she carries on her rant.
Start sticking up for yourself.
Always remain calm when telling her this (don't shout back at her) as she'll have to stop shouting to hear what you have to say.
Another thing to say is "I'm no longer going to allow you to shout at me and rant at me so if you feel the need to shout and rant at something, better do it to the wall as I won't be listening to you any more"

Coconutter24 · 13/01/2025 14:12

Chuchoter · 13/01/2025 11:20

Your daughter shouldn't have mentioned that they only just got the cards and money as that's ignited the whole issue.

She should have just been tactful and said that she wanted to thank her after Christmas had died down and she had plenty of time to talk and catch up with grandmother.

No OPs mother should learn to control her anger over something so small. It’s not the DD fault just because she mentioned it. What a silly comment. Why should the family walk on egg shells to please one person? It doesn’t work like that.

TipsyJoker · 13/01/2025 14:13

Chuchoter · 13/01/2025 11:20

Your daughter shouldn't have mentioned that they only just got the cards and money as that's ignited the whole issue.

She should have just been tactful and said that she wanted to thank her after Christmas had died down and she had plenty of time to talk and catch up with grandmother.

Oh right! So it’s the child’s fault that the grandmother is an abusive asshole to her mother. Get a grip!

Coconutter24 · 13/01/2025 14:14

She always says she "is a shouter" - only shouts at me though!

Do you normally not react to her shouting or say anything to her? If no that’s probably why she does it because she gets away with it. Her reaction was so far over the top it’s ridiculous. Yeh it’s not great that you forgot the money but you have it soon as you realised and apologise, there was no need for shouting or screaming at you over this

Original poster
FishMouse · 13/01/2025 14:26

Prior to this, I would usually try and defend myself, and try to calm her down as it is quite scary how out of control she is, and I don't want to leave it like that. Especially it's my fault, according to her.
I have hung up on her before, but only occasionally. Not as much as I should have.
Reading all the replies has been really helpful, and shocking actually, that it is real that she's bullying me and it's not normal behaviour. Especially as she isn't like this with others. I think I've just got used to it.

OP posts: