Told my mum to F*** Off

[FishMouse]

Long story slightly shorter, in all the Christmas confusion I forgot to give my kids their Christmas money from my mum.
She doesn't come to me at Christmas and I can't go to her because she spends the holidays with my sister.
She insisted on handing the cards and presents over in a car park the week before Christmas. I offered to pick them up, or for her to drop off at my house, as it was a really inconvenient time and location, but she absolutely insisted.
Anyway, I found the cards in the bottom of my handbag last week. Immediately handed them to kids with apologies.
They had had presents from her as well, which had been handed over by me on Christmas day, I just completely forgot she had given me cards with money in too.
My daughter phoned her to say thank you and she went absolutely batshit that I had forgotten. DD had to tell her to stop slagging me off to her (mum has form for this).
I was mortified that I had forgotten the money. I had a lot going on but still pretty bad!
I was expecting her to be upset but she rang me the next day shouting and screaming. How could I, I can never put it right, how could I upset her so much etc, how much effort she had gone to, she hadn't slept as was so upset etc.. I apologised profusely and was shouted at some more.
She phoned back "to apologise for shouting at me", and then started up again!
This time saying it's my fault she shouted at me, noone else makes her react like this, if I want her to stop shouting at me I need to stop making mistakes. Look what you made me do, in other words! So I told her to fuck off and hung up.
She has form for screaming at me if I don't do what she thinks is appropriate. She always says she "is a shouter" - only shouts at me though! And I mean out of control screaming. My partner cannot understand how I let her do that.
I think I've finally had enough. I suppose I'm asking what I should do next. I feel sorry for her, widowed, "all on her own" but she is just nasty sometimes.

Was it ideal to forget the money? No, but I assume you know that already.
Do we all sometimes forget things/make mistakes? Yes, and hopefully you know that too.
Is it ok for her to be a bit miffed that you forgot? Probably, yes, but her response definitely seems like a massive overreacion!

I think you were right to speak up for yourself.

This is no one’s fault but the shouting mither. No one! She has been indulged too ling.

OP read whatever you can lay your hands on about toxic mothers and absolutely refuse to have anything to do with her from now on.

If you aren’t ready to go no contact hang up or leave the interaction as soon as she becomes argumentative. You might not break her if her bad habit of abusing you but if you walk out/hang up every time, and add a week to the interval between contacts, you will begin to create your pwn peace.

Just say “I can see you are having a difficult time managing your emotions. I can touch base with you again (looks at calendar) in X weeks” At first insult wait one week. At second insult set a two week break. Etc…

I feel so much better having distanced myself. It feels like a holiday.

It's a fab feeling isn't it? It never leaves you know, the longer NC goes on its still nice not having to deal with it. Even after years.

She is (feebly) hoovering you. She is warming up the abuse cycle again by offering a seeming Olive branch “to just listen “ but she is so unpracticed and unwilling to actually love bomb or apologize that the most she could muster fir the apology tour was that she would let you re-explain and reapologize to her.

Look up “cycle of abuse” —she usually just bullies and abuses you until you retreat/she gets her jollies. She probably never apologizes and you don’t get mych of a honeymoon phase. But this time, because she exposed herself to your dd, she is a bit embarrassed and feels the need to reel you back in.

Don’t fall for it.

Hold firm OP.

Mum sounds like a nightmare and is being grossly unfair to your daughter.

On top of all the obvious, I'd be concerned that she might now included her granddaughter in her nastiness.

Protect yourself and your family.

You need to continue to hang up the second she starts to shout. For ever.

The fuck off first is optional.

Eventually she may get the message, but if she doesn’t just stop answering the phone when/if she calls back for 24 hours.

Well done first of all on being a great mum! Your daughter sounds fantastic, plus had the good manners to ring and thank her grandmother.
Insisting on meeting you in a car park just before Christmas and berating you for forgetting the cards? Truly awful. I found two I was supposed to hand over behind a cupboard yesterday and one had money in it.
The wider issue here is that she treats you and your sister differently. Sounds like she has to provide some level of support to your sister, sees you as having more of a life and think that entitles her to treat you like shit.
It is also upsetting for your DD to see you treated like this.
And now the messaging begins. Continue your holiday from her. And I think you telling her to F off did you the power of good.
She may be your mother but that does not mean she deserves any respect from you when she is verbally abusing and manipulating you.

Carry on with those boundaries - she will push and push, but eventually will realise she is getting nowhere.

Well done you.
This is the peaceful reality of stepping away from toxic people.
Do not be sucked in.
She adds nothing to yours or your childrens lives.

Time to mute or block.
Silence is very very powerful.
You cannot be forced to reply to her or answer your phone.

Yeah, then come the flying monkeys. Mine used one of my kids once.

Then if that doesn't work, comes the health crisis.

@FishMouse - you wrote the following (my comments are in italics below your text which I've put in bold)
So now she's texted, asking to phone me.
Nope, not going to happen.
I said I wasn't interested in hearing it and I've had enough of her behaviour.
Well done you!!!
She replied saying I need to explain in a phone call,
Again, nope, not going to phone her or talk to her.
and she won't talk she'll just listen!
And pigs will fly too!
Why she would suddenly start listening now (and why she thinks I would obey her orders), I've got no idea.
Even scientists would be baffled by this 😆
She's also talked to my daughter about the row, and told her not to tell me she's mentioned it!
I hope you have told your DD that she can tell her grandmother that there are no secrets between Mother and child so no, she isn't going to do that. You can remind your DD that she is allowed to end a call with Granny if it starts going into discussion about things that make your DD uncomfortable talking about.
She said to DD "you're making me (DM) sound like a bully" and has been a bit off with her since.
I hope your DD replied with "Well granny you are behaving like a bully. We've covered this topic in school, and what you're doing is bullying"
I feel so much better having distanced myself. It feels like a holiday.
I'm delighted! It must feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you're probably a lot less tense when the phone rings or you get a text notification too! Long may it last.

She enjoys bullying you and having control over you, making you dance to her tune. By standing up to her you have rejected the normal balance and she is worried that she won’t have a victim to take her anger out on. She’s trying to seem normal and sane so she can reel you back in with this false face and then quickly resort to the old bullying routine. Plus, if you reject her she can point out very loudly) to everybody that she was the reasonable one reaching out to resolve this and you are selfish/unreasonable/crazy.

stand firm. don’t accept this awful treatment.

Don't blame the daughter.

Utter nonsense from @Pumpkinpie1

Trying to use my child, bring her in this and manipulate her would have me go full Lion Mum and that would be that.

Do you need her in your life?
I ask because it sounds like hassle you could do without.

If you do decide to call her you should message first and say if you raise your voice or insult me, I will put the phone down and be done with you.

And mean it

Agree with this.

Protect your daughter OP.
She should not have access to your children.
She's a nasty bully.
Protect them from her.

So she spends Christmas with your sister, doesn’t actually see her grandchildren? And hands over envelopes in a car park? That alone would be enough for me. You all deserve so much better. I would ignore, never be rude, but ignore in future. Don’t teach your kids that this sort of behaviour is normal,

She's well out of order. Also a big red flag with her saying "I'm a shouter." So what? That excuses it? Guess what - I'm a murderer, so you're just going to have to put up with it. Turning the blame on you is classic narcissism. I would cut her off. No-one needs that drama.

Tosh. The daughter shouldn't have to pander to an aggressive shouty narcissist and neither should the OP.

OP, save yourself and don't answer the phone again when she rings.

Have read everything do sorry if repeating.

it might be that this is just an excuse to blow at you- especially if this is what she does the £ is just giving her a reason to have a go.
whatever situation it’s not ok to verbally abuse you.

read you are not the problem. Podcast insight very good also.

sorry you have to experience this & how lovely your daughter called it out. 💐

How are things with darling mother OP?

She's sent me a few texts asking to call me/ be on speaking terms again. She never normally texts, and is always complaining that people text instead of talking, so this is odd behaviour for her. I replied to the first one saying I didn't want to hear it and I was fed up with her behaviour, and she messaged back to say I needed to explain in a phone call!! So I've not replied to anything since.
I'm just waiting for her to bring my sister into it now. But she probably won't want to tell her what's happened, so that may not happen.
Her sense of entitlement is ridiculous. Like I still have to explain myself. It's a shock for her I suppose, me standing up for myself.

Well done @FishMouse you are giving her nothing to feed on. Excellent 😘