DH not speaking to me for longer and longer each time

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My husband and I have been together for over 20 years yet we have a problem that's getting worse and worse and I am so sick of it.
If we have an argument or a disagreement, afterwards he will not speak to me and sometimes the children too and he will also stop looking after himself. He will go to bed, not eat, not wash for days.
Yesterday he was going to let our 10 year old daughter watch squid games which i didn't agree with and had already told her no. Had a heated discussion about it, he stormed off and went to bed at 7pm! This happens regularly.
I already know that we won't speak for the rest of this week . I'll make a guess at 5 days. He won't even stay in the same room as me. Won't make my meals for me (he cooks in our house) , won't wash my clothes (he washes too, he's a SAHD) . It makes me not want to go home from work and creates an uncomfortable atmosphere in the house which the kids see aswell.
We have spoken about it alot but it's something that just doesn't improve and is infact getting worse.he says he has no control over it , he has this overwhelming urge to withdraw which is fine if it wasn't affecting everyone else.
It used to be maybe one or two days. He used to do it before we lived together and he wouldn't answer the phone to me and I wouldn't be able to contact him.
Sometimes he will storm out and be gone for hours in the car and won't answer his phone.
Other times he will go to bed.
The worst was we didn't speak for the entire 6 weeks summer holidays last year. I can't even remember what that was about. But nothing major. Its horrible to live with.
After 20 odd years I've had enough. There are other issues aswell but this bothers me the most.
My mum said her first husband was the same and would sulk for days. It's just horrible to be around!!
Does anyone have any advice apart from the obvious LTB?

Of course he has control over it. How can he say he has no control over his mood for days or weeks on end.

You need to tell him you’re not putting up with it anymore. It ends or the relationship ends.

That’s abuse. He sounds like a child. I’m sorry, I know you asked for advice other than LTB, but I’d be LTB pretty sharpish as it’s awful for you and terrible for your poor kids.

It sounds like he needs help but it’s unlikely to seek it. Not speaking for days over a disagreement about a TV show? He’s beyond pathetic.

He absolutely has control over it, it's apalling behaviour. I'd tell him one last time, he stops or you leave, and mean it.

I don’t have a lot to add but wanted to just say maybe the only way forward without leaving is that you give him an ultimatum.

He goes to counselling to try and resolve whatever issues he has or you have no choice but to split up.

You can’t live the rest of your life that way.

its especially not fair on your kids and I speak from experience. I watched my parents fight and not speak to each other for weeks and I dragged that mindset into my marriage which was a major part of why it failed.

I had to go to counselling myself to really learn how to be in a relationship. Whilst I’m a bit better now I still struggle.

Put your kids first OP. Wish you well.

My H coukd be a bit like this but nowhere near as bad. I’ve just told him he can snap out of it or fuck off as I’m not putting up with a sulking man child on top of the 2 actual children I have. He snapped out of it but I he hadn’t I’d have been off as it’s manipulation

The Silent Treatment is grounds for divorce.. Because it is a form of abuse.. For pity's sake file for divorce.. This is the example of relationships you are setting your dc....

I feel your pain OP, I’m in the same situation but have only been together 3 years.

He hasn’t spoken to me for 5 days now because last Wednesday I tried to show him a short video (1.5 minutes) to do with my work, after explaining it was only 1.5 minutes. He told me he’s not interested and to just tell him what happens.

I told him I don’t appreciate him speaking to me like that and that was it. Total blanking of me since, we sat in total silence the next night despite me trying to make conversation and I left on Saturday morning because I’m not wasting my weekend like that.

He hasn’t text or spoken to me since and I was due to take him away on a surprise holiday this Wednesday which we’ve both booked time off for.

I don’t have any advice, as I’ve tried everything in the past - writing letters, texting from different rooms, saying sorry but nothing works.

When asked why, he tells me he can not communicate and just shuts down.

One thing I would say is that it’s bad enough having to put up with it just me, but for your children that must be so uncomfortable- I think you need yo tell him the next time this happens you’ll all (you and the kids) be going somewhere else for a few days, or tell him he has to go somewhere else because it’s just not fair on the kids to have to have the awkward atmosphere because he can’t learn to regulate his emotions.

I feel it’s a lack of respect and having no value in me that my partner behaves like this and I’m at the stage where the relationship is probably over because we can’t overcome it.

Was your husband always like this or has this developed over a few years?

You need to end it. It is not just you suffering, it is your children too.

Please don’t suggest counselling for abusive men.

I think you’ve probably tried everything haven't you op.

@Ebbyfroom this is controlling, abusive behaviour, im glad you are thinking about leaving.

OP why would he change his behaviour? It works for him. Avoidance meets punishment. He chooses not to stop doing it because it gets him what he wants - he doesn't have to resolve the issue, doesn't have to have a difficult conversation, and probably gets you all humble and apologising.

Truly appalling role model for your children too.

From my personal experience unless he sees his behaviour as a serious risk to something he values then he won’t do anything about it.

I speak from experience when I say this abuse damages kids so much.
Read up on what cortisol does to a developing brain. That's what you and this man are waking up every day and choosing for your kids. They can't escape, they're dependent on you putting an end to this.

They're also learning that men are for appeasing. Walk on eggshells, be desperate for male approval, fathers love is conditional, home is not safe.

If you're going to keep making the kids live with their abuser, you'll need to figure out how you'll justify this to them when they question it, and urgently get them into trauma based therapy if they're not already. Not just basic counselling, it's useless.

There is no other advice that can be given other than leave him.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
You saw similar as a child too; your mother's first H was like this i.e abusive too and that was no legacy to leave you. You have basically repeated what she did and your boundaries here, weak as they were to begin with, are being further eroded as time passes.

Start to plan your exit from this abusive marriage with due care and attention. Seek legal advice from a local firm of Solicitors re divorce proceedings as knowledge here is power. Seek support too also from Womens Aid. Enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as part of your ongoing recovery from being abused all these years and it will take years now to recover.

The effects all this has also had on your child is incalculable and could likely affect her romantic relationships going forward. This is no relationship model to show her.

Ebbyfroom - I can only advise you to also divorce your abuser, contact Womens Aid and to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme. This is who he really is and things will not improve at all for you in that house of horrors until you say no more to being abused. His silent treatment towards you is an example of emotional abuse. And of course he can communicate; he is not like this to people in the outside world or to his work colleagues. He has decided to embark on his own private based war with you and such men like yours and the OPs hate women too - ALL of them.

Was your Mums first husband your Dad ? Is that why you’ve enabled this farce for 20 years?

You and your H are abusing your children .

H by his behaviour and you by accepting it, and letting him care - I say that closely because a caring parent would NEVER let their 10 year old watch Squid games. - for your kids a. What does he contribute to the household apart from abuse and trauma ?
Have you ever thought what he’s doing to your kids ?

Do you really want to be that Mums Net poster in15 yrs who says my kids won’t talk to me and I don’t know why!

Stop this farce OP either He has to leave or you and the kids . Has he ever seen a doctor for his Mental Health issues ?

If you won’t LTB I can’t see any other option than to put up with it. While your kids see this as a normal relationship.

He gave you the silent treatment for 6 weeks and you're still married to him?!

What other advice is there apart from LTB?

I don’t think you should discuss this further or issue an ultimatum. You should just leave.
He doesn’t like you, he can’t communicate, he’s getting worse.

You don’t deserve this, neither do the children. Does he honestly expect you put up with this until you die of old age? He needs a massive reality check, and you need to remove yourself from his awfulness.

@Ebbyfroom cancel the holiday, postpone it or take someone else - whichever means less of a loss for you. He'll be expecting you to cave and contact him because of that.

I'm amazed that anyone puts up with this for longer than a couple of hours. I would not.
It is about power and control. Next time he tries it, pack his bags, put them by the door, and tell him... that if he is not prepared to communicate, he may as well leave the house.

I wouldn't have him back either.

You mention that he's a SAHD.
Does he do this to your children? Ignore them all day and take to his bed if they don't do as he wants?
If you separate can you guarantee that leaving them in his care will mean he will do this to them?
Has he done this to other relatives or friends or are you just the target?

Ebbyfroom - cancel his surprise holiday or go on your own. He does not deserve that or you in his life.

Remember always that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

If you can’t summon the courage to leave for yourself, then find it for the sake of your children.

I agree . If he does this to his wife , what the hell is happening to those poor kids behind closed doors?

This is abusive behaviour 100%.

I’m so sorry you find yourself with this extremely abusive, nasty man. My advice is to get your ducks in a row, behind the scenes and get rid. He won’t change. You’ve talked about it, it’s getting worse. You have to end it. 💐

I have been the child of sulking parents and done my share of taking messages between the warring parties.

Take it from me it is VERY damaging. You need to get your children out of this.

Poor kids witnessing this regularly
why are you telling them this is normal ?
who is looking after them when he is in bed
if he is a stay at home dad but not cooking or washing what’s the point of him ?

you say it’s getting worse , how much worse does it need to get before he leaves ?