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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH not speaking to me for longer and longer each time

135 replies

Gettingsickofthis88 · 13/01/2025 08:20

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years yet we have a problem that's getting worse and worse and I am so sick of it.
If we have an argument or a disagreement, afterwards he will not speak to me and sometimes the children too and he will also stop looking after himself. He will go to bed, not eat, not wash for days.
Yesterday he was going to let our 10 year old daughter watch squid games which i didn't agree with and had already told her no. Had a heated discussion about it, he stormed off and went to bed at 7pm! This happens regularly.
I already know that we won't speak for the rest of this week . I'll make a guess at 5 days. He won't even stay in the same room as me. Won't make my meals for me (he cooks in our house) , won't wash my clothes (he washes too, he's a SAHD) . It makes me not want to go home from work and creates an uncomfortable atmosphere in the house which the kids see aswell.
We have spoken about it alot but it's something that just doesn't improve and is infact getting worse.he says he has no control over it , he has this overwhelming urge to withdraw which is fine if it wasn't affecting everyone else.
It used to be maybe one or two days. He used to do it before we lived together and he wouldn't answer the phone to me and I wouldn't be able to contact him.
Sometimes he will storm out and be gone for hours in the car and won't answer his phone.
Other times he will go to bed.
The worst was we didn't speak for the entire 6 weeks summer holidays last year. I can't even remember what that was about. But nothing major. Its horrible to live with.
After 20 odd years I've had enough. There are other issues aswell but this bothers me the most.
My mum said her first husband was the same and would sulk for days. It's just horrible to be around!!
Does anyone have any advice apart from the obvious LTB?

OP posts:
DreadPirateRobots · 13/01/2025 09:04

When we were young and first together DH used to go into black sulks when e.g. his team lost and be stroppy and moody. I told him to fuck off out of it and come back when he could be civil because I wasn't anybody's punching bag. He did. And he hasn't pulled that shit in fifteen years now.

I would honestly advise the same, but you have to be prepared to follow through. Tell him if he's not prepared to communicate like an adult, he leaves the house and comes back when he is. And if he doesn't do that and get control of his moods and communication, preferably via counselling, it's divorce court time. The idea of living with someone who doesn't talk to you for more than a month at a time is ludicrous. It's emotionally abusive and it will damage your children.

Postmanplod · 13/01/2025 09:04

My advice would just be to leave. You are being abused and you are also allowing this to happen which is not a good look for the kids. My dad did this to my mum and it’s affected me all my life. Particularly relationships

What is stopping you?

Inmyhands · 13/01/2025 09:04

Really abusive to you and your children, they will suffer long term effects from being subjected to his appalling behaviour. Please leave and build a better life for yourself and them.

LittleOwl153 · 13/01/2025 09:04

Is he just not cooking for you-so still cooking for your kids and himself? Is it just your washing he doesn't do? What a baby!

I'd simply tell him if he cannot improve his behaviour he needs to get a job as he is not suitable to be around the children when he is dishing our such abuse!

But yes I would look to divorce - but obviously he isn't going to speak to you from the point you tell him that so get yourself sorted out. Annoyingly despite being abusive he will likely get a greater share of assets if he's stayed at home for a while. So figure out whether you can/want to stay in the house. If not moving out - with the kids - feels like the best option!

Cattery · 13/01/2025 09:05

Bullying by silence. Had all this at work. The bully’s mother used to do the same to her when she was a child. It’s learned behaviour. Silence to make others feel uncomfortable and question themselves. Begging and pleading with the bully to snap out of it. Did DH have any of this growing up I wonder x

gamerchick · 13/01/2025 09:06

He's abusing you and your children OP. You need to get them out of there.

You can't afford to have him as a SAHD either. He could be classed as the resident parent. Tell the fucker to get a job and move out.

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 13/01/2025 09:06

This seems to be a man thing - literally don't know any women that punish their partner like this.

Sorry op but l don't think he is going to get any better.

Twaddlepip · 13/01/2025 09:09

The worst was we didn't speak for the entire 6 weeks summer holidays last year. I can't even remember what that was about. But nothing major. Its horrible to live with.

This is utterly horrifying. He is so abusive.

northernlight20 · 13/01/2025 09:09

Ebbyfroom · 13/01/2025 08:30

I feel your pain OP, I’m in the same situation but have only been together 3 years.

He hasn’t spoken to me for 5 days now because last Wednesday I tried to show him a short video (1.5 minutes) to do with my work, after explaining it was only 1.5 minutes. He told me he’s not interested and to just tell him what happens.

I told him I don’t appreciate him speaking to me like that and that was it. Total blanking of me since, we sat in total silence the next night despite me trying to make conversation and I left on Saturday morning because I’m not wasting my weekend like that.

He hasn’t text or spoken to me since and I was due to take him away on a surprise holiday this Wednesday which we’ve both booked time off for.

I don’t have any advice, as I’ve tried everything in the past - writing letters, texting from different rooms, saying sorry but nothing works.

When asked why, he tells me he can not communicate and just shuts down.

One thing I would say is that it’s bad enough having to put up with it just me, but for your children that must be so uncomfortable- I think you need yo tell him the next time this happens you’ll all (you and the kids) be going somewhere else for a few days, or tell him he has to go somewhere else because it’s just not fair on the kids to have to have the awkward atmosphere because he can’t learn to regulate his emotions.

I feel it’s a lack of respect and having no value in me that my partner behaves like this and I’m at the stage where the relationship is probably over because we can’t overcome it.

Was your husband always like this or has this developed over a few years?

You need to end this relationship. It’s only going to get worse. He’s showing you complete lack of respect over you showing him a video!! Get rid.

Giraff3 · 13/01/2025 09:12

My step dad used to do this to my mum and i would have to live in that environment. It was horrible as a child. I finally noticed id picked up this habit when i got into my first relationship. Its toxic! He has full control over it.
I will never be with someone like that. Its not healthy for you or your kids and like me, your kids will think its normal behaviour and history will repeat in them and there relationships. You have a choice to change that as a adult.

SeaPink · 13/01/2025 09:13

I had a boyfriend who used to sulk/not speak to me. I'm afraid my advice is to leave. I did and ended up with someone much better who I wouldn't have met if I stayed with sulky boy.

AlertCat · 13/01/2025 09:14

My mother did the silent treatment. I’m still dealing with the effects now, in my forties. Please LTB.

frozendaisy · 13/01/2025 09:17

So his actions make you not want to go home yet you want to stay?

I mean you could try "I do my part bringing in the cash yet one small disagreement and you won't cook for me. If this continues it's over do you understand.".

Phthia · 13/01/2025 09:17

Tell him to grow the fuck off. Of course he can control this. Ask why you should work to support him when he won't even talk to you.

stayathomegardener · 13/01/2025 09:18

I think my first move would be strategic, threaten to go part time unless he stops this ridiculous behaviour.
I suspect he won't change so you need to establish 50/50 childcare before you divorce.

stayathomegardener · 13/01/2025 09:19

Ebbyfroom · 13/01/2025 08:30

I feel your pain OP, I’m in the same situation but have only been together 3 years.

He hasn’t spoken to me for 5 days now because last Wednesday I tried to show him a short video (1.5 minutes) to do with my work, after explaining it was only 1.5 minutes. He told me he’s not interested and to just tell him what happens.

I told him I don’t appreciate him speaking to me like that and that was it. Total blanking of me since, we sat in total silence the next night despite me trying to make conversation and I left on Saturday morning because I’m not wasting my weekend like that.

He hasn’t text or spoken to me since and I was due to take him away on a surprise holiday this Wednesday which we’ve both booked time off for.

I don’t have any advice, as I’ve tried everything in the past - writing letters, texting from different rooms, saying sorry but nothing works.

When asked why, he tells me he can not communicate and just shuts down.

One thing I would say is that it’s bad enough having to put up with it just me, but for your children that must be so uncomfortable- I think you need yo tell him the next time this happens you’ll all (you and the kids) be going somewhere else for a few days, or tell him he has to go somewhere else because it’s just not fair on the kids to have to have the awkward atmosphere because he can’t learn to regulate his emotions.

I feel it’s a lack of respect and having no value in me that my partner behaves like this and I’m at the stage where the relationship is probably over because we can’t overcome it.

Was your husband always like this or has this developed over a few years?

You deserve so much more, please leave.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/01/2025 09:22

Oh my god for the thousand and twelfth time why do women put up with this shit? WHY?!

Unless he is a millionaire just bin him. If he is a millionaire get a good lawyer and bin him.

BustingBaoBun · 13/01/2025 09:23

I cannot imagine texting my husband from another room to say sorry because he's not speaking to me.
Why do women live like this?

Ineedpeaceandquiet · 13/01/2025 09:25

Not washing or cooking for you whilst you are out earning?!
You should put him straight!

He can sulk for 10 mins and thats his limit.
Then he can talk it out like an adult.

And I would also tell him that you really enjoy the silence!!

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2025 09:26

Gettingsickofthis88 · 13/01/2025 08:20

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years yet we have a problem that's getting worse and worse and I am so sick of it.
If we have an argument or a disagreement, afterwards he will not speak to me and sometimes the children too and he will also stop looking after himself. He will go to bed, not eat, not wash for days.
Yesterday he was going to let our 10 year old daughter watch squid games which i didn't agree with and had already told her no. Had a heated discussion about it, he stormed off and went to bed at 7pm! This happens regularly.
I already know that we won't speak for the rest of this week . I'll make a guess at 5 days. He won't even stay in the same room as me. Won't make my meals for me (he cooks in our house) , won't wash my clothes (he washes too, he's a SAHD) . It makes me not want to go home from work and creates an uncomfortable atmosphere in the house which the kids see aswell.
We have spoken about it alot but it's something that just doesn't improve and is infact getting worse.he says he has no control over it , he has this overwhelming urge to withdraw which is fine if it wasn't affecting everyone else.
It used to be maybe one or two days. He used to do it before we lived together and he wouldn't answer the phone to me and I wouldn't be able to contact him.
Sometimes he will storm out and be gone for hours in the car and won't answer his phone.
Other times he will go to bed.
The worst was we didn't speak for the entire 6 weeks summer holidays last year. I can't even remember what that was about. But nothing major. Its horrible to live with.
After 20 odd years I've had enough. There are other issues aswell but this bothers me the most.
My mum said her first husband was the same and would sulk for days. It's just horrible to be around!!
Does anyone have any advice apart from the obvious LTB?

No.

LTB.

Except as you work and he doesn't, he can go

Only worry is the children as he is presumably on paper., the main carer

And Squid Games is totally inappropriate for a 10 year-old

CautiousLurker01 · 13/01/2025 09:27

SmugglersHaunt · 13/01/2025 08:25

That’s abuse. He sounds like a child. I’m sorry, I know you asked for advice other than LTB, but I’d be LTB pretty sharpish as it’s awful for you and terrible for your poor kids.

It sounds like he needs help but it’s unlikely to seek it. Not speaking for days over a disagreement about a TV show? He’s beyond pathetic.

Edited

This, I’m afraid. It’s abuse, even if it’s underpinned by MH issues.

I’d sit him down and state that it cannot continue, that you’d like him to go for counselling/see a GP about his ’depression’ and anger issues and that if he isn’t prepared to work on this issue you would like him to leave.

The message his behaviour sends DC is appalling and damaging. You have an obligation to model behaviours to them that show that you value yourself and their emotional well-being but putting a stop to this one way or another.

leopardprintz · 13/01/2025 09:27

This awful for your kids to be exposed to.

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2025 09:27

Ebbyfroom · 13/01/2025 08:30

I feel your pain OP, I’m in the same situation but have only been together 3 years.

He hasn’t spoken to me for 5 days now because last Wednesday I tried to show him a short video (1.5 minutes) to do with my work, after explaining it was only 1.5 minutes. He told me he’s not interested and to just tell him what happens.

I told him I don’t appreciate him speaking to me like that and that was it. Total blanking of me since, we sat in total silence the next night despite me trying to make conversation and I left on Saturday morning because I’m not wasting my weekend like that.

He hasn’t text or spoken to me since and I was due to take him away on a surprise holiday this Wednesday which we’ve both booked time off for.

I don’t have any advice, as I’ve tried everything in the past - writing letters, texting from different rooms, saying sorry but nothing works.

When asked why, he tells me he can not communicate and just shuts down.

One thing I would say is that it’s bad enough having to put up with it just me, but for your children that must be so uncomfortable- I think you need yo tell him the next time this happens you’ll all (you and the kids) be going somewhere else for a few days, or tell him he has to go somewhere else because it’s just not fair on the kids to have to have the awkward atmosphere because he can’t learn to regulate his emotions.

I feel it’s a lack of respect and having no value in me that my partner behaves like this and I’m at the stage where the relationship is probably over because we can’t overcome it.

Was your husband always like this or has this developed over a few years?

Why on earth are you still with him?

And either cancel the trip or take someone else

Cardinalita90 · 13/01/2025 09:29

As someone who grew up in a household where silent treatment was used after every argument, you MUST get this addressed with him. Through counselling or some other method. As a child,.having a parent just stop speaking to you is so damaging and even now in my 30s I have real difficulty with conflict or expressing my needs because of it. You don't want your kids to go the same way.

Pushmepullu · 13/01/2025 09:31

We have a friend like this. His 3 children, all over 30yo, are also ‘sulkers’. If we refuse an invitation he won’t speak to us for weeks. If we choose a restaurant and he prefers somewhere else he will either not eat or choose the most expensive item on the menu and then not eat it (split bill). We put up with it because I’m friends with his wife and my husband is very good at ignoring his behaviour. His kids on the other hand! How their partners put up with it god only knows. Unfortunately, one of the GC is also becoming a sulker with a temper, and so on it goes.

OP, if your OH won’t seek help, then you need to decide whether you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you have to walk on egg shells around and who abuses you. Good luck.