DH not speaking to me for longer and longer each time

[Gettingsickofthis88]

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years yet we have a problem that's getting worse and worse and I am so sick of it.
If we have an argument or a disagreement, afterwards he will not speak to me and sometimes the children too and he will also stop looking after himself. He will go to bed, not eat, not wash for days.
Yesterday he was going to let our 10 year old daughter watch squid games which i didn't agree with and had already told her no. Had a heated discussion about it, he stormed off and went to bed at 7pm! This happens regularly.
I already know that we won't speak for the rest of this week . I'll make a guess at 5 days. He won't even stay in the same room as me. Won't make my meals for me (he cooks in our house) , won't wash my clothes (he washes too, he's a SAHD) . It makes me not want to go home from work and creates an uncomfortable atmosphere in the house which the kids see aswell.
We have spoken about it alot but it's something that just doesn't improve and is infact getting worse.he says he has no control over it , he has this overwhelming urge to withdraw which is fine if it wasn't affecting everyone else.
It used to be maybe one or two days. He used to do it before we lived together and he wouldn't answer the phone to me and I wouldn't be able to contact him.
Sometimes he will storm out and be gone for hours in the car and won't answer his phone.
Other times he will go to bed.
The worst was we didn't speak for the entire 6 weeks summer holidays last year. I can't even remember what that was about. But nothing major. Its horrible to live with.
After 20 odd years I've had enough. There are other issues aswell but this bothers me the most.
My mum said her first husband was the same and would sulk for days. It's just horrible to be around!!
Does anyone have any advice apart from the obvious LTB?

Your own mother is indirectly advising you to make him your first husband... Divorce him.

I suggest you pretend he’s not there when he does this - live life as if he doesn’t exist. Not only will it annoy him as he’s not getting the reaction he wants, but it’s good practice for when you do finally get the courage to get rid

I am afraid the only advice IS LTB because this is not just abusive, but it's clearly got to absolutely epic proportions.

I'm guessing however, that as he's a SAHD, you're not quite sure how to go about this LTB option? I can very easily imagine that this is a huge challenge. Would he fight you for custody? Which means I honestly don't know the answer.

I would suggest that perhaps it's time to stop having him as a SAHD. There's not much value in it for you it sounds like as, at best, when he's sulking he sort of looks after the DC but not particularly well if he's also not talking to them, and he certainly isn't doing anything for you? Is it possible to start working towards him being back at work so that LTB becomes a bit easier down the line?

[and before anyone comes hounding me about the difference between men and women and all the rest - the reality is that a man who has a SAHM wife who was abusive to him and who he was hugely involved with his children would also have the same issue with leaving her. But we all know that in reality, when a man with a SAHW leaves, he's quite happy to leave the DC too to a large extent)]

I'm also really really not a fan of tit for tat, PARTICULARLY when it comes to abuse, but I have to wonder if there's a point you say to him, "right, well, if you think you can just opt out of our relationship and parenting and basically your responsibilities, I'll do the same and start restricting acces to money." But the truth is, that I really don't think that's going to give him any incentive to get better but probably would just make him sulk even more and retreat even further rinto "I'm a victim" mode.

As a SAHD, he’s currently the main carer for your children, which would likely have some influence in the event of a split regarding where the children spend most of their time.

He sounds unhappy generally. Perhaps it’s better all round that he goes back to work. His moods might improve but if not, at least he’s no longer the main carer when you do decide to separate?

I feel your pain @Gettingsickofthis88 had the same for over 20 years with my ExH. It was one of the catalysts for telling him I couldn't live like it any longer, and wasn't even as bad as you describe your situation. I didn't want to visit his family one day (living 25 miles away) because we had a party in the evening to go to with one of my friends and train strikes meant that we might be stuck in traffic. I hardly ever said I didnt want to do something with his family for 20 years, it wasn't the same the other way round. Anyway he sulked and gave me the silent treatment for three days, it was pathetic. My son was getting closer to going away to Uni so I realised that it wouldn't get any better. the day after the party (when he showed his true colours by being an arse with a drink- another issue) was the day we separated. Never gave me the silent treatment though, was very vocal until I left! Best thing I ever did in my life.

Ultimatum. And mean it. You can’t go on like this, and it’s not fair on your kids to live in such a horrible atmosphere. He CAN help it, he just chooses not to. He’s a childish abusive twat.

It ends today or the marriage does. His choice.

He's bullying you, OP, and you're acquiescing. Have you tried getting properly cross with him each and every time he does it? You can make his life bloody uncomfortable too, you know. Though I agree it's best to simply deliver and ultimatum that next time he does this he can pack his bags and leave.

Please don’t do this, it would be horrible for your kids.

Has my father been reincarnated? My father pulled all these tricks and stunts and it was one of the reasons I stopped talking to him at 16, he died three years later and I do not regret a moment of this. However, this behaviour tainted my childhood and I remember all too clearly the days when he took to his bed and sulked, I remember the awful atmosphere and the feeling of dread when walking through the front door, not knowing what might happen. Frankly @Gettingsickofthis88, if you do not do it for yourself, then do it for your children, they do not deserve to live with this and nor do you, so yes, LTB.

This is no way to live, OP, it's not just affecting you but your kids too.
I would be seriously considering my options.

I used to get this, until he did it once too often and after the third time of my approaching him to reconcile, after many days of not speaking to me, I absolutely lost my shit and left the home.

too much!

My Grandfather was the same. He made my Mother and Grandmother's lives a misery.
No way at all for a grown man to be carrying on.

Does anyone have any advice apart from the obvious LTB?

No, because the only responsible and appropriate advice for abused women is to leave.

You are modelling pick-me behaviour and appeasement to your DDs whilst teaching your DSs that their dad's behaviour is a normal and fruitful way to behave. If you won't leave for your own wellbeing, leave for theirs.

This is a really shitty thing to model to children. Do not do this.

Actually, just to add to my earlier post - if he's taking to his bed, and therefore abandoning ALL Of his SAHD responsibilities, I do think you have a strong opportunity for an ultimatum. Tell him obviously this isn't on, and you think if he can't function well enough to look after the children he needs to go back to work and you'll search for alternative childcare options.

Also start documenting all these times when he is, in effect, neglecting and/or abusing the DC, so that as part of your divorce proceedings you can use this as proof that notwithstandign him supposeduly being a SAHD, you are in fact the primary parent and certainly the reliable one.

exBIL tried this at one point - supposedly worked very part time so he could do childcare. But he only actually did any childcare one day a week. He threatened to get custody of the DC if she left him. But as he barely even know the teacher's name, hadn't prepared a meal for them more than once a week, did no more than 1 out of 10 school runs... his argument was pretty week, notwithstanding him only working 20 hours a week so he could do childcare....

I was married to a sulker. It was a bloody misery. I'm now married to a man who is an absolute delight. He's cheerful, wants to get the most out of life and my children love him. One of the biggest things I'm grateful for is being able to provide the children with a happy home where people take care of each other and their feelings.

No other advice, it's LTB on this one. It's abuse and I wished I'd been more aware of this while I was suffering from endless cold shoulder and silent treatment. You didn't cause this, you can't cure it, and you can't control it - but you can get out.

If you want to try and save the marriage and/or help him .then please suggest he gets some counselling. It sounds like a mental health issue-he can’t manage his own feelings or see that he’s causing enormous damage.

He didn't speak to you for SIX weeks??

Nope, fuck that. Get rid asap.

My ex DH used to do this to me. He would go and sleep in another room, not really speak to me and he did this because he knew it upset me. I used to apologise and grovel just because I wanted harmony restored but I hated myself more each time I did that as I knew I had done nothing wrong. Walking on egg shells is awful, and eventually I did leave him. Please leave, it's an awful way for your children to live and view relationships and it's no way for you to live either. My ex just thought I would never leave and I guess yours feels the same.

Op, how much longer do you think you can endure this?

Do you think he can or will want to change?

Can you make a plan so that you and your dcs have a happier, more cheerful life?

Wow what a dick. I'd leave.

One assumption made is that abuse is caused by a partner's mental health condition for example bi polar, depression, anxiety, PTSD. These do not cause abuse. Nothing in the DSM 5 sates that a mental illness solely causes a partner to be abusive in a relationship.