DH not speaking to me for longer and longer each time

[Gettingsickofthis88]

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years yet we have a problem that's getting worse and worse and I am so sick of it.
If we have an argument or a disagreement, afterwards he will not speak to me and sometimes the children too and he will also stop looking after himself. He will go to bed, not eat, not wash for days.
Yesterday he was going to let our 10 year old daughter watch squid games which i didn't agree with and had already told her no. Had a heated discussion about it, he stormed off and went to bed at 7pm! This happens regularly.
I already know that we won't speak for the rest of this week . I'll make a guess at 5 days. He won't even stay in the same room as me. Won't make my meals for me (he cooks in our house) , won't wash my clothes (he washes too, he's a SAHD) . It makes me not want to go home from work and creates an uncomfortable atmosphere in the house which the kids see aswell.
We have spoken about it alot but it's something that just doesn't improve and is infact getting worse.he says he has no control over it , he has this overwhelming urge to withdraw which is fine if it wasn't affecting everyone else.
It used to be maybe one or two days. He used to do it before we lived together and he wouldn't answer the phone to me and I wouldn't be able to contact him.
Sometimes he will storm out and be gone for hours in the car and won't answer his phone.
Other times he will go to bed.
The worst was we didn't speak for the entire 6 weeks summer holidays last year. I can't even remember what that was about. But nothing major. Its horrible to live with.
After 20 odd years I've had enough. There are other issues aswell but this bothers me the most.
My mum said her first husband was the same and would sulk for days. It's just horrible to be around!!
Does anyone have any advice apart from the obvious LTB?

100% agree. Someone can have mental health issues and not be abusive. OR, can find that their MH problems cause their behaviour to be a problem and then IMMEDIATELY seek help to prevent that in the future. Long term abuse, whether or not it is because of an underlying MH problem is still abuse and still 100% unacceptable.

I have lived with this and it is hard. He is my exH now but we remain on good terms. It is something that he did from when we first met, so I married him knowing that he would shut down and run away after any conflict. He would look for somewhere else to live, disappear for hours, sometimes days. It used to put a knot in my stomach and approaching him before he was ready to talk would only prolong the sulk.

His parents did not have a happy marriage (still don't). A lot of rows during his childhood after which, his dad would take himself off somewhere and his mum would just carry on as though nothing had happened, just to keep the peace. So, I think his learned reaction to any conflict was to 'cover his ears' or run away. I do not believe that he was shown either how to have a discussion or how to resolve conflict.

I can only relate from my own experience of living with this, so I hope this helps. It was in my exes case, deep rooted in childhood. He is a good and kind person and his parents are, too. I honestly don't believe that he did have any control over it.

Apart from ltb?

Erm. Ignore his sulking. Go about your day as though you haven't even noticed. If you need to give him information text or email him.

Assume he will do nothing and get done what needs to be done yourself. Let him see he is not needed for anything.

Don't try to talk him round. Don't pander to him in any way.

Try your best to protect your children from the damage living with a sulking man-child will inevitably do to them.

You are being abused, @Gettingsickofthis88

However, you are going to have to be smart about how you prepare to divorce him. With you being the main breadwinner, and him a SAHD and looking after the children, you are potentially at risk of ending up with less than 50% of assets, and the children being chiefly resident with him, at least until they are old enough to vote with their feet.

You need competent legal advice. Don't try to do this on your own.

Oh God OP.. this is a mirror of my ex who was a stonewall extraordinaire...

He would refuse to be in the same room as me, refuse to eat food I cooked, left his packed lunch behind when I'd made it.. left me with DD for days on end when he was god knows where. Horrific.

It only gets worse OP. Like you OP, he didn't speak to me for 6 weeks by the end of if I was so over it and played him at his own game and just got on with my life.. he hated that I wasn't crying over him so it culminated in physical violence.

Leave.

No other answer.

As a woman who grew up in a home exactly like this and who was damaged by it please listen to me when I tell you that you should get your children out of this situation. They as well as you are suffering from abuse.

My mum stayed with my dad and he was still doing it in his 80's. That man tried his best to ruin our lives, he succeeded with my mum whose life was mainly about 'pacifying' my dad. Just before she died she told me she didn't know what happy was. I shouldn't have had to listen to that and she shouldn't have had to feel it.

I lost all respect and love for my mum. Thats absolutely horrible to say but true. I've had to have a lot of therapy.

What happened during the discussion about letting your daughter watch Squid Game? I presume he first confronted and then gave up arguing and then chose to be silent and withdrawn? It's a bit passive aggressive and avoidant. He probably didn't learn good communiction skills while growing up. I tell you this out of my personal experience.

This is horrible behaviour. My STBXH was like this, and it was a thoroughly poisonous way to live. No one deserves to be treated this way. The silent treatment is abuse, 100 percent.

OMG how childish. I don’t know how you have put up with this for 20 years! And not speaking for 6 weeks - in the words of John McEnroe “you can’t be serious!”.

I would have read him the riot act right then. Your poor children. What a selfish arsehole.

6 weeks of silence? you say he was like this before you lived together?
Yet another woman settling for a nasty useless prick.
Don't waste another day never mind 20 years, get rid of him!

I was married to a sulker. It is a horrible, pervasive, spiteful form of abuse. It cast a pall on everything and everyone. It was awful. And he Wasn’t half as bad as your prince among men. Six weeks? Christ on a bike that’s insane!

you - and more Importantly your kids - can’t go on like this. Something has to give - and I’d suggest that something is your marriage before it’s your sanity and your DS’s mental health.

Your poor child.
What a horrific childhood.
And you want to stay?
So sad.

Can he book into a hotel for the duration of the sulk? Or is it he wants you all there to suffer?

@Gettingsickofthis88

You've put up with this shit for 20 years? And you've subjected your poor children to this too?

Growing up in a toxic household like this is extremely damaging for children, and can affect them for ever.

You need to get out now for their sake, get them some therapy and hope you haven't left it too late.

What a vile twat of a man.

@Ebbyfroom
exact same situation with me re holiday, I went on my own as was in middle of silent treatment from STBEx, I really enjoyed it and told him I wanted a divorce not long after I got back. Not regretted it for a moment 😊

OK I'll take the hit.

As we know:

The silent treatment causing walking on eggshells is a form of abuse.

Neurodivergence is not synonymous with behaving like a dick. BLAD is a personal choice.

But ND people can exhibit behaviours including withdrawal, going silent, rejection sensitivity etc etc.

Is there any ND history there? Any signs in your own children, in yourself?

Whaaaat? Horrible behaviour on his part. You have been underplaying this for years - this is not normal, it’s dreadful. Time for a change - you don’t have to put up with this.

Please leave him. Your DH is damaging your DC. My dad did the same when I was a kid and I can tell you that it is mentally debilitating living in an atmosphere where your parent actively ignores you and you have to walk on eggshells the entire time. It's a form of abuse.

My mum used to do this and it has scarred me so much. Please don't let your children be around this. It is abuse.

How old are your children, it's awful for them and will grow up thinking this is normal, I'd wash my own clothes, cook my own meals, ignore the idiot and make plans to leave. Does he behave like this with his own friends or just pucked on you. If he does luck all and just goes to bed then take a week off work to be with the kids and he can stay in s hotel.

@Ebbyfroom , you need to get out of this relationship now. 3 years in should not be this hard. Do you really want to be the OP in 20 years time? It will only get worse.

My dh was raised in a house like this. It's had huge impacts on how he is able to communicate his emotions. You might not like to think of it, but this will be damaging your kids.

My dh tried to give me the silent treatment early on in our relationship (based on how he was raised, I understand why), but I told him I'd simply break up with him if he ever did it again. He never did. The idea that he can't control it, is BS and he's just too weak a person to take any accountability.

One step before LTB, would be to give him a firm ultimatum - stop or I'll end the marriage. But you MUST be prepared to follow through. If you don't, it's just empty words and could even make your situation worse.

It's abusive behaviour and you and your children deserve better.

Not read the replies but people will say LTB because you can’t force another adult to change. I bet he doesn’t even think he’s doing anything wrong which is the first step to changing.

You mention that you have a 10 year old. Your relationship with your h has a massive effect on the sort of partner that she will pick and what kind of behaviour she’ll tolerate in her relationships. Having seen you deal with her dad, she is very likely to think tolerating sulking is normal and tolerate it because you did.

Not talking to you is abusive and what if you upped the ante and didn’t buy food for him or something because you were petty and abusive too?

I would be asking him to go back to work with a view to divorce in the near future. Having a job is a must so that he can afford housing and other costs after a split and keeping the kids with a decent standard of living at both houses.