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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Regret bringing my husband to the UK. How can I make him leave?

191 replies

maddiejo · 11/01/2025 13:03

I brought my husband over to the UK on a spouse visa (anyone who knows the process would know how expensive and stressful this can be).
He's from a non-European country (don't want to be too outing) and we meet whilst I was on a trip there a few years ago.
Fast forward to now.. He's been in the UK for just over a year and we have a young baby. Since the baby was born, I've noticed some serious and worrying changes in my husband... He's become really abusive verbally and mentally. Not physical (although has threatened me with it). He stays out all night with his phone switched off, gets snappy when I ask where he's going, and is getting more and more nasty about me. Keeps criticising everything about me from my pregnancy weight gain to my cooking. I've know for a few months that I want him gone (as in sent back to his home country) because of the way he treats me. The only thing holding me back is that he say if I leave him, then he would take our baby back to his own country with him.
I've spoken to the police about the situation (they're aware of my wish to leave and have put some kind of alert marker on our home address incase of any 999 calls). I asked them not to make him aware that I had approached them for advice or to voice my worries.
Anyone here ever left such a situation safely?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Yahoodotcom · 11/01/2025 15:55

I am guessing he's got limited leave to remain if he's only been here a year. I think if you report him to the police and divorce him he won't be able to get indefinitely leave tk remain based on his spouse. Seek legal advise and stay safe x

FlowersOfSulphur · 11/01/2025 15:55

Are you black or brown, OP? If so, contact Southall Black Sisters. They have experience of this sort of situation.

Tubetrain · 11/01/2025 15:56

Very much doubt he wants to return to his country with a baby - he clearly married you for the visa so he wants to stay here. I'd leave and start divorce proceedings, get the baby put on a watch list so can't be taken out of the country and apply for a passport yourself and keep it safe and away from him.

Autumn1990 · 11/01/2025 15:57

Some banks still have safe deposit boxes where you could store documents.
libraries have free internet access where you could set up an email address that you never access from home or your iPad or phone. And of course with a small child the library is normal place to visit

murasaki · 11/01/2025 15:57

Karma Nirvana may be able to help also.

AngelicKaty · 11/01/2025 15:57

HappyPanda613 · 11/01/2025 15:38

Shame on her family and friends for making judgements like that. They had no idea that her husband would turn out to be a user.

Show quote history

They didn't, but his actions have now proven their suspicions "right" - and that's all they need to congratulate themselves (people love to be right!). What's really sad is that their self-righteous attitude means that @Unpaidviewer 's friend is too embarrassed to ask for their support. I wonder how they would feel if they understood the way they've made their family member feel and that, as a result of how she believes they would react (i.e. gloating), is stopping her from approaching them? I'd feel terribly ashamed if I discovered a family member was struggling and the only reason I didn't know was because they were too "embarrassed" to tell me based on my previous judgmental attitude. 😞

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 11/01/2025 16:01

He used you- he won’t actually want to take the baby to his country, he won’t want to leave the U.K.

hattie43 · 11/01/2025 16:03

smallsilvercloud · 11/01/2025 13:25

Are you in the position that you can secretly arrange somewhere else to live and just flee the area without telling him? In your situation I wouldn't trust him and his actions if he knows you are leaving.

This would be my suggestion .

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 11/01/2025 16:07

AngelicKaty · 11/01/2025 15:57

They didn't, but his actions have now proven their suspicions "right" - and that's all they need to congratulate themselves (people love to be right!). What's really sad is that their self-righteous attitude means that @Unpaidviewer 's friend is too embarrassed to ask for their support. I wonder how they would feel if they understood the way they've made their family member feel and that, as a result of how she believes they would react (i.e. gloating), is stopping her from approaching them? I'd feel terribly ashamed if I discovered a family member was struggling and the only reason I didn't know was because they were too "embarrassed" to tell me based on my previous judgmental attitude. 😞

Show quote history

They could probably see what the poster's friend couldn't, but she shouldn't stay in a horrible relationship because of embarrassment.

coxesorangepippin · 11/01/2025 16:08

Op isn't back

MyNewLife2025 · 11/01/2025 16:12

coxesorangepippin · 11/01/2025 16:08

Op isn't back

Well you see, it’s so surprising someone hasn’t come back for a whole afternoon on a Saturday, with a small baby.
Maybe she just doesn’t feel safe to read the answers or post again whilst her dh is around? Just an idea….

Hwi · 11/01/2025 16:13

No, you should go to the police and say he threatened violence (he did, did he not?) and tell them he married you to get a UK passport - he will be deported, don't pussyfoot around him. If I were you, I would leave everything in the flat/house and just go to a friend's or parents or some shelter and stay there until he is deported.

Ilikewinter · 11/01/2025 16:13

AngelicKaty · 11/01/2025 15:34

OP can't "kick him out of the UK" but the Home Office can if his visa is conditional on his relationship with OP (he's only been here a year so it's unlikely he has ILR). It's crucial OP tells the HO as soon as she separates from her DH that she has done so (in fact, the .gov website makes this requirement clear). It will then be up to the HO to decide whether to curtail or cancel his visa.

Show quote history

I know, but he has a child - assuming the child is a British citizen - he can just submit a family and private life application and bingo he will be able to stay.

LondonLawyer · 11/01/2025 16:15

Hwi · 11/01/2025 16:13

No, you should go to the police and say he threatened violence (he did, did he not?) and tell them he married you to get a UK passport - he will be deported, don't pussyfoot around him. If I were you, I would leave everything in the flat/house and just go to a friend's or parents or some shelter and stay there until he is deported.

<wince>
No, he won't be deported on the facts set out by the OP. Deportation applies almost entirely to "foreign criminals", not people who no longer have a visa. If the marriage is no longer "genuine & subsisting" the partner visa might well be curtailed, but the husband could well make an application for a visa on the basis of being the parent of a British child.

LondonLawyer · 11/01/2025 16:17

TheignT · 11/01/2025 14:56

He might be able to get the baby a passport from his own country. I'm not sure how it works for all countries but if a British citizen has a baby abroad they certainly could, I'm Irish and my kids born in England can have an Irish passport so I think that is something the OP needs to be aware of.

Show quote history

This is correct, OP. Not all countries work in the same way for citizenship, and a few don't have dual nationality, but in the great majority of cases the child of a non-UK citizen born in the UK is likely to be a citizen of the non-UK country.

MyNewLife2025 · 11/01/2025 16:19

@maddiejo i suspect that him saying he will take baby back to his home country is away to keep you inline. And so far it has worked.

If he is on a spousal visa, getting divorce will put an end to his visa and he’ll have to move back home - unless he can get a new visa by himself. As you know, having a child in the U.K. won’t be enough to get him a visa! And getting a visa is both complex, time consuming and expensive. Can he afford it? Or fill any of the visa requirements?
So really the first step is kick him out of the house and get divorced.

Then at the same time, you need to protect yourself and baby.
Saying you need to keep baby passport is useless imo. He will be able to get passport from his own country for the baby. Probably even essential for the baby to enter his country anyway.
But you can have an alert put in so he isn’t allowed to leave the country with baby.
In the mean time, the safest is ofc that he has no contact until everything is sorted.

Have you contacted a lawyer with experience of international marriages?

MidnightMusing5 · 11/01/2025 16:21

Christmasgiraffe · 11/01/2025 13:12

Do you have your baby's passport? If you do, make sure you have it in a safe place he doesn't know about. If not, apply for it before he can.

Do you own your house together? Or rent?

And to have a prohibited steps order. As he could cancel that passport and have another one made. With the order in place - the child is going no where

MyNewLife2025 · 11/01/2025 16:22

Ilikewinter · 11/01/2025 16:13

I know, but he has a child - assuming the child is a British citizen - he can just submit a family and private life application and bingo he will be able to stay.

Show quote history

Lol no.
Actually even a non British citizen married to a Brit with children together might not be able to get a visa unless they meet the financial criteria.

This rule has in effect forced British citizen to stay living abroad as, according the HO, a weekly FaceTime call is enough to keep parental contact.

If he isn’t earning enough, he won’t be able to stay.
That is, if they accept the move from one visa to the next.

MyNewLife2025 · 11/01/2025 16:24

LondonLawyer · 11/01/2025 16:17

This is correct, OP. Not all countries work in the same way for citizenship, and a few don't have dual nationality, but in the great majority of cases the child of a non-UK citizen born in the UK is likely to be a citizen of the non-UK country.

Show quote history

And as tte baby is under 18yo, it’s highly likeky they’ll be able to get the two citizenship until they are 18yo. At which point, they’re supposed to chose.

LunaMay · 11/01/2025 16:24

HappyPanda613 · 11/01/2025 15:42

You sound just as judgemental as they did. ‘Desperate?’ Sounds like you’re just jealous with that kind of language.

Show quote history

Why on earth would someone be jealous of that situation? It's a known thing that these men prey on women like this.
I'm not saying it to be nasty. Have you never seen any of the shows/docs on this issue?

MumWifeOther · 11/01/2025 16:25

maddiejo · 11/01/2025 13:03

I brought my husband over to the UK on a spouse visa (anyone who knows the process would know how expensive and stressful this can be).
He's from a non-European country (don't want to be too outing) and we meet whilst I was on a trip there a few years ago.
Fast forward to now.. He's been in the UK for just over a year and we have a young baby. Since the baby was born, I've noticed some serious and worrying changes in my husband... He's become really abusive verbally and mentally. Not physical (although has threatened me with it). He stays out all night with his phone switched off, gets snappy when I ask where he's going, and is getting more and more nasty about me. Keeps criticising everything about me from my pregnancy weight gain to my cooking. I've know for a few months that I want him gone (as in sent back to his home country) because of the way he treats me. The only thing holding me back is that he say if I leave him, then he would take our baby back to his own country with him.
I've spoken to the police about the situation (they're aware of my wish to leave and have put some kind of alert marker on our home address incase of any 999 calls). I asked them not to make him aware that I had approached them for advice or to voice my worries.
Anyone here ever left such a situation safely?

Has baby got a passport? If not, leave him now and take baby with you. If so, take it and hide it now and make plans to leave xx

TwigletsAndRadishes · 11/01/2025 16:25

Mrsbloggz · 11/01/2025 13:45

It might be best to pretend, ie play nice, keep him sweet whilst strategically and methodically getting everything organized and sewn up out of his sight.
Let him think you are too dumb to out-maneuvre him and then he'll be blindsided when you do.

I think this is excellent advice.

Christwosheds · 11/01/2025 16:33

brummumma · 11/01/2025 13:58

All the women whose ex husbands have taken their kids to - mostly - Middle Eastern/Arabic countries and never seen them again would be testament to the fact that it does happen and happens very frequently

Show quote history

Agree with this.

SeaBaseAlpha · 11/01/2025 16:36

I would suggest just concentrating on your personal safety and ignore any visa issues. There is a LOAD of misinformation upthread about the visa situation and dual citizenship rules (as well as some correct info). All you can control is your safety and personal situation, so concentrate on that.

LondonLawyer · 11/01/2025 16:55

"As you know, having a child in the U.K. won’t be enough to get him a visa!" Please do be careful saying things like that @MyNewLife2025 because there absolutely is a visa path for the parent (who is already in the UK) of a British child. It's not guaranteed, but it's not a particularly difficult visa to get either. And specifically provided for in the Immigration Rules Appendix FM.