Dating Thread 51 - 2025. New year, new start

[TwistedWonder]

The Rules:
• The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
• Develop a thick skin.
• Do not invest emotionally too soon.
• It's all BS until it actually happens.
• Trust your gut instinct.
• People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your faulT.
• Know your wortH.
• If it's not fun, stop.
• Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.
Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot are we on this thread being a bad influence on your dating ages 😄

It does seem to be a lot more flexible these days. I'm in a Facebook group that's massive, and people ask random questions, and everyone answers. The other day, someone asked men whether they preferred older or younger women. The amount of 20s and 30s men who said they preferred older women as they had their shit together, were more interesting, less high maintenance etc. was eye opening for me.

Haha possibly @PeachyKeane 😆
Although it doesn't help that the men my age in the South West are absolutely hideous or can't hold a conversation! I've just had a very nice chat with this young man, much more interesting than the 45-50 year olds I have spoken to so far.

I’m 8 years post divorce and 5 years since my last relationship ended so I’m probably in a lot different headspace to some others who are more recently single.
I’ve enjoyed my man free life tbh. I’ve got a great group of other older single friends and we go out dancing, away for weekends and on holiday several times a year.

Im quite reserved in a lot of ways and definitely more of a girls girl. I do think that the way I look gives people a different impression to how I am. Hard to explain but I seem to look a lot more outgoing and confident and men seem to think I’m going to be a lot more flirty etc than I am. It’s always been that way. Im blonde and have an hourglass figure - big boobs and bum and a tiny waist - and men seem to automatically associate that with being sexy whereas I’m quite shy, a real one man woman and only ever had 4 partners in my life.

Since going back on the apps yesterday I’ve got two good chats going with men who seem to be pretty normal and no sexual stuff so that’s a good start.

@oldernotwiserffs I wouldn't worry about the fact that Mr Tradie hasn't had long term relationships. If he had, you'd equally be wondering why they hadn't worked out.

Far better to ask yourself if he is right for you. Does he feel like someone you could build a life with, whose company you would enjoy and who would be loving and committed to you? Would your friends and family like him? Can you see yourself sitting beside him at a parent teacher night?

@TwistedWonder women don’t need to message first on bumble now. If you match you can chat.

I’m exactly the same! Think I have a new friend from Bumble, we connected and I realised he is an occasional smoker. I can’t date a smoker, but we get on and he is happy to be in my friendzone as we just have a great chat. Hoping for a mate date soon!

Have my first proper date of 2025 tomorrow. Meeting for lunch - I usually do coffee, but it’s lunch time and I’m working, so got to eat.

That's a good start @TwistedWonder , hopefully you have some dates coming up soon!
I've only been officially single for a relatively short time so not wanting to jump into anything serious too soon, but miss the companionship and sex of course, especially as my marriage was completely void of sex, affection and companionship for many many years. I was quite promiscuous in my younger days so don't have issues with casual encounters, although not keen on ONSs. Therefore a regular FWB (or a few) would be perfect.
One thing I am really lacking is single friends, I think I would be much happier if I had other single girls to hang out with. Tired of coupled up people. In some ways my best friend is the worst, love her to bits but she has a terrible habit of making plans to do something in the evening, only to then downgrade to a lunch and a couple of drinks last minute so that she can be home by dinner. I mean who wants to be home by 6 pm on a Saturday?!
Trying to make some new friends this year to hang out with!

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot "my marriage was completely void of sex, affection and companionship for many many years"

This!! This is the problem with relationships and I think they all inevitably reach that sooner or later.

Well they do for 'people like me'. Apparently the people who have most sex are life long married religious conservatives.

People like me, broadly: middle aged, middle class professionals, are competent, polite and able to tolerate a high level of imperfection in any situation. We're good at making the best of things, level headed enough not to walk out after a row, and hard working enough to keep working at relationships for the sake of the kids, or how it will look to the social circle, or because we don't relish being single etc.

I'm really quite terrified of ending up in that place again and there is absolutely no way to predict whether it's a possibility at the start.

Sorry, I realise this is a dating thread not a relationships thread but I suppose my point is that the focus on red flags is largely BS because there are factors which are impossible to predict before youre trapped in the quick sand.

@DrinkingTooMuchPinot

I honestly think having a group of fabulous friends has been the best thing to come from being single. I’ve probably got the best social life I’ve had since my early 20’s and I do sometimes wonder if I have time to fit a man in.

Very exciting!!

Actually, how many people use dating apps to also make friends?

Also, I know a lot of people won’t date smokers, but what’s the actual reason? No exceptions, ever? And does that mean smokers have very limited dating (as well as housing!) options?

Mr Rave is a smoker. He told me it's 'occasional' but I know that still means smokes every day.

It's a dealbreaker because I don't like the smell, it's really unhealthy and I hate standing outside in the cold while people 'just have one cigarette' before we walk into a place.

I'm also very health-focused, and even though Mr Rave works out every day (which I love), he has other unhealthy habits including smoking.

I'm not looking for anything serious with him, so I can overlook it as long as he doesn't smoke on our hot dates haha. But if I were dating to see if he could be a boyfriend I would walk away.

Personally I find smoking repulsive. I hate the smell and I couldn’t kiss a smoker ever.

I find if I’m around smokers for any amount of time, it really affects my chest and throat. When I go on holiday to somewhere that smoking is far less restricted like Greece or Spain, I have a cough for several days after k return.

Its my number one deal breaker tbh

As for using apps to make friends - personally I don’t as it’s not what I’m looking for I’ve already got a great friends group and social life so new friends isn’t a priority

@OchreHedgehog I can definitely hear what you are saying with regards to relationships turning stale over time and not sure if there is a way to prevent that. Then again there are couples who remains blissfully happy and content for decades, but I have no idea what their secret is. I was with my ex for ~17 years and if I'm completely honest we were probably never 100% right for one another, things just happened, like out first child was unplanned so you just stuck with it, probably at least five years longer than I should have done.

@ElleintheWoods I haven't tried using the apps for making friends. I have made a couple of new friends through a local Facebook group for women. I really need to widen my circles this year and find some new friends. A couple of dating buddies would be amazing to share experiences with, and just people to hang out with. Since living on my own and only having the kids half the time I've come to realise I'm not that happy to be on my own, and I don't mean living alone, I'm loving that, but would like to be able to meet up with people and make new connections, especially on Saturday evenings when I don't have the kids.

With regards to smoking, I'm a former smoker and prefer not to date smokers so that I won't get tempted to start again!

@Crushed23 @TwistedWonder @DrinkingTooMuchPinot Thanks for your views!

I’m not a smoker myself but for me it isn’t as much of deal breaker- I would prefer a non smoker of course. It’s quite uncommon to smoke these days I think, I looked up some stats and from the top of my head it was below 20%, and below 10% in some age groups/ areas.

It seems to be a red flag for non-smoking women so I do wonder if I’d score a smoking hot guy if I was open to it 😂 (pun very much intended!). I’ve been around Italian culture quite a bit so I’m used to smoking being more socially acceptable.

For me probably excessive drinking, lads holidays and terrible diet are more of a red flag. Just tough to date someone that wants a takeaway several times a week if I’ve got no interest. But I think I’ve dated very strange guys before who have differed from the norm!

I know what you mean about wanting more of a social life! Female friends are great but depending on life stage, there’s times in the week where they prefer to be with their partner. So as a single person you are likely to have some evenings home alone that you’d rather not have.

@ElleintheWoods I'm an ex-smoker, I gave up while my ex was still smoking and it's the smell and the taste that puts me off now. Plus the other issues, how much money it wastes, how much time it takes having to wait around for someone to have a smoke before they do anything else, the long-term health effects, none of that is on my list of must haves 😂

I have a date lined up for Tuesday, with Mr Rock (because facially, he looks quite like The Rock), found him on Bumble. I'm feeling a bit sceptical because this morning he sent me what he called a 'flirty' pic, which I would call borderline inappropriate. I told him that wasn't cool, and I'm going to see if he pushes any more boundaries before Tuesday, in which case I'm going to cancel.

Definitely keener on Mr Psychotherapist, hoping to meet up with him soon and see what it's like. He's 18 years older!

Also interested in dating younger (I'm 39), I matched with a 28 yr old on Hinge who is "weirdly attracted to good communicators", but his conversation skills are so poor it's painful! I haven't had any decent chats with anyone below 30, is it an age/generation thing?

At my age I'm avoiding smokers because if it becomes long term I do not want to fall for someone then have to nurse them through lung cancer or similar in 10 years time.

I've got 3 dates lined up now all with guys in their 30s! 35, 37 and 38. Where are the men in their 40s?!? 30s is lovely but maybe a bit of a stretch below me.

I think maybe I’ve not been around it enough day to day to find it extremely off-putting/ know the cost etc. I do have a couple of girlfriends that smoke a bit.

I’ll be honest I was on a date with a hot guy that smoked and first time I minded it because he was smoking a lot to calm the nerves, 2nd time I didn’t mind. He also once wore a hoodie that smelled a bit and I actually found it kind of nice.

But maybe it’s the novelty and watching too many 20th century films with Marlboro man types 😂

Right, I'm going to make an attempt with the younger contingent. I've signed up to Hinge so will report back.

I'm not bothered about smokers or take aways because I'm not wanting someone I spend every day/ night with. But you know whats a deal breaker for me - bad clothes and dress sense. I want them not only clean and tidy but a bit more than that. Not designer clobber specifically or anything. Just a bit of an interest in choosing clothes that make them look really good. For dates at least. They can wear what they like to the gym or down the farm. But meet me in a pair of cool trousers and a sweater or coat that makes you look a bit dishy please!!

I had a date with a nice lady i know of in November and she decided the next day she wanted to throw herself off a really large bridge, so I took that as not being interested.

As a mid forties man on the dating scene I'm about as popular as a horny dog in a Miss Lovely legs competition.

Good style is an absolute must for me. My last partner was a twat but he dressed really well in a slightly quirky style and I loved that about him. I’m quite similar in that my style is a bit quirky, I like unusual clothes and I really do put effort into choosing items and putting them together so i couldn’t date a scruff or someone who looks like they’ve just thrown on first thing they found on bedroom floor.

I met my fiancé on OLD (eharmony). He is in the navy and was away on a 4 month posting in the middle of the ocean when we met! The good thing about that was we had three months of emailing, messaging, calls etc before we met up. It was all low pressure, we knew we couldnt meet so we had a really long time to get to know each other without the pressure. Three years on we are living together and engaged. I really appreciate the time we had to just get to know each others values etc before meeting up. OLD tends to be fast paced etc with pressure to meet up.

Oh and I am 48 and he is 53! so we are not young uns. Both post divorce.

Agree about the clothes/dress sense!

The guy I'm seeing just now (Mr Local) doesn't have the best dress sense & his glasses are a wee bit old-fashioned.

Perhaps I'm a superficial cow, but it does affect my attraction to him. He's in good shape, attractive & together emotionally with a good career, sense of humour etc.

So I'm working on that....

Haha I have also have a couple of things that put me off instantly style wise (in addition to things like neck tattoos). One is skinny jeans + blazer combo, if a guy has just one picture in his profile dressed like that it's an instant no.

On the other hand I love rockers, skinny jeans with a leather jacket is fine... 😍