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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend of 10 years is depressed and wants to be single again?

151 replies

Nicola6410 · 10/01/2025 14:03

We have 2 children and live together. Been together coming up 11 years and now he says he wants to be free and single, no responsibility and be care free to do as he wants when he wants. I have no family left near me so my only option would be to move 400 miles away to be with family for support meaning my whole life would change, job, school, house etc. He had been quiet for a few months and then dropped this bombshell on me yesterday. We were supposed to be buying a house, everything was ready to go. I know he's only going to go downhill as he wants to party and be a teenager again. He is 32. He says his mind is made up about this and that's what he wants to do. Should I try to change his mind or just go? Iv been with him since I was 19 and we have been through so much. I love him and don't want to go. I was happy and didn't see anything wrong but he says he is depressed and his new moto is you only live one. HELP. IM GOING OUT OF MY MIND

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 10/01/2025 16:53

Everyone is being a bit blasé when OP has said that he was groomed and sexually assaulted from age 15-20 by an 28 year old.

AConcernedCitizen · 10/01/2025 16:55

Agree to the split. Tell him you'll be leaving the kids with him until you're sorted out with a job that pays enough for a house and childcare down in London.

Tell him that this may take a few years 👍

Elasticatedtrousers · 10/01/2025 16:55

grimmeeper · 10/01/2025 16:46

A lot cheaters sit and cry
If I was keeping such a massive dirty secret it would have me in turmoil too
It does sound like moving to be closer to family will be better for you

Yep, I remember fighting to get mine to the doctor. I was so worried. He cried all the time. Ended up his depression was another woman

Delphiniumandlupins · 10/01/2025 16:57

I wouldn't rush to move unless you are absolutely positive that your mum and sister will be able to provide support and lots of practical help. Do they both currently work/have other commitments? Are there other family of your partners where you currently live who might be able to help you? Speak to your solicitor about the house purchase - not always as easy to drop out last minute in Scotland without a financial penalty.

Your partner is being very selfish, this may be a symptom of his depression. Perhaps you can persuade him that you won't try to talk him out of leaving (doubt you would trust him after this) but he has two children, he can live his own life without shitting all over theirs.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 10/01/2025 17:01

I wouldn't wish it on your children or your mental health but I would love to see the situation where (because of this). YOU walk out, go on a bender then text HIM to tell him that you're going to your mums for a week because you want to be free and single!

It's so frustrating that men have an option to walk out!

BashfulClam · 10/01/2025 17:02

In the words of the Beautiful South ‘the freedom that you wanted back is yours for good I hope you’re glad..’ Cut him free.

AgnesX · 10/01/2025 17:11

Point out just how much it's going to cost him..... going wild on a budget of bugger all isn't that appealing.

And don't dare take him back once he works it out for himself.

TwistedWonder · 10/01/2025 17:20

He might say he hates cheats OP but it’s a very very rare man who walks away from a functioning relationship and kids and there’s not someone waiting in the wings

Crikeyalmighty · 10/01/2025 17:21

@BashfulClam such a great song !!

Original poster
Nicola6410 · 10/01/2025 17:46

Thank you everyone for all your advice it's greatly appreciated

OP posts:
BashfulClam · 10/01/2025 17:46

Crikeyalmighty · 10/01/2025 17:21

@BashfulClam such a great song !!

When a boyfriend left me to ‘be single’ I played it in the car and belted it out. He came crawling back and I used that line.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2025 18:03

beAsensible1 · 10/01/2025 16:53

Everyone is being a bit blasé when OP has said that he was groomed and sexually assaulted from age 15-20 by an 28 year old.

I don't think it's being blasé. I think it's knowing that although he is a victim of abuse, that is not a free pass to be a shit or an excuse to walk away from his responsibilities. One can feel sorry for what another person has suffered and still condemn their current behaviour.

No one should experience what he experienced and he probably definitely needs a lot of therapy, no doubt about it. But does that mean that OP should ignore his behaviour and not make plans for her own future? That he should be able to abandon his children? No. He needs to get help for his past and also help to shoulder his responsibilities. I'm not saying he should stay with OP, I'm saying that he should have made a plan for leaving that includes being a responsible parent, if not a compassionate 'leaver' of his partner. Not dump everything on her because he 'needs' to be a teen again.

There are thousands of victims of grooming or childhood SA. The vast majority manage to shoulder their current life whilst getting help for their past.

Orangesinthebag · 10/01/2025 18:13

He may not have another woman now and may not be cheating but I would lay money on him pursuing one as soon as he is "free".

I am another one who is unconvinced by the depth of this depression if he's planning nights out and saying he just wants to go wild. His depression sounds like it's a reaction to the reality of his life and responsibilities.

You have been supportive towards him OP but now you need to protect yourself and your future. Moving to where there is support sounds sensible. Yes, prices will be higher in the South and you may need to change your expectations of what you can buy or you may need to save up more before you buy but you will have your mum & sister there to help and back you up.

Don't stay up there for him, he isn't thinking of you right now or even of his kids, he is just thinking of himself.

It's heartbreaking of course but I can guarantee you that one day he will regret his choices and he will regret not having a good relationship with his children. But one day you will look back on how well you weathered this storm and feel pride in yourself and you will enjoy a close relationship with your children which is worth more than anything.

backwayentrance · 10/01/2025 18:25

beAsensible1 · 10/01/2025 16:53

Everyone is being a bit blasé when OP has said that he was groomed and sexually assaulted from age 15-20 by an 28 year old.

Not her problem anymore
she needs to focus on her children and herself
and that’s it

beAsensible1 · 10/01/2025 18:31

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2025 18:03

I don't think it's being blasé. I think it's knowing that although he is a victim of abuse, that is not a free pass to be a shit or an excuse to walk away from his responsibilities. One can feel sorry for what another person has suffered and still condemn their current behaviour.

No one should experience what he experienced and he probably definitely needs a lot of therapy, no doubt about it. But does that mean that OP should ignore his behaviour and not make plans for her own future? That he should be able to abandon his children? No. He needs to get help for his past and also help to shoulder his responsibilities. I'm not saying he should stay with OP, I'm saying that he should have made a plan for leaving that includes being a responsible parent, if not a compassionate 'leaver' of his partner. Not dump everything on her because he 'needs' to be a teen again.

There are thousands of victims of grooming or childhood SA. The vast majority manage to shoulder their current life whilst getting help for their past.

Show quote history

OP has said he has been sitting and crying everyday for ages.

telling her to take all the money out of the joint account and think he’s cheating is doing her a disservice.

it doesn’t seem has gotten any help other than SSRIs.
there are some serious red flags for his mental health here.

backwayentrance · 10/01/2025 18:33

there are some serious red flags for his mental health here.

yup

but again

the op needs to focus on her children and herself

ChristmasFluff · 10/01/2025 18:36

Things that are not as symptom of depression and abuse: suddenly needing to be single again after being in a relationship for 10 years and having 2 children. Google/DSMV it.

It's fucking insulting to people who have been abused or who have genuine mental illness when this is given as a reason for shitty behaviour. Mental illness really reveals who you are - or can be a handy excuse.

He wants to be single because he wants to be single and doesn't give a shit about OP and their kids.

Hard to accept, but the sooner you do it, OP, the sooner you can protect you and your children as best you can.

SmolTrashPanda · 10/01/2025 18:37

beAsensible1 · 10/01/2025 16:53

Everyone is being a bit blasé when OP has said that he was groomed and sexually assaulted from age 15-20 by an 28 year old.

So have lots of women...but we don't get the luxury of abandoning our kids so we can go and "reclaim our youth". Most of us have to deal with it secondary to everything else.

CleanShirt · 10/01/2025 18:37

My "depressed" xh was cheered right up by the 26 year old girl he managed / shagged at work. Sorry op x

Startinganew32 · 10/01/2025 18:46

SmolTrashPanda · 10/01/2025 18:37

So have lots of women...but we don't get the luxury of abandoning our kids so we can go and "reclaim our youth". Most of us have to deal with it secondary to everything else.

Show quote history

I know someone who had a breakdown and her DC had to go into temporary foster care due to historic sexual abuse. Don’t peddle the idea that victims can just get on with it. Some can’t. This doesn’t sound like a well man at all.

12purplepencils · 10/01/2025 18:50

perfectcolourfound · 10/01/2025 14:18

He can't choose to leave his children. He can't say he's going to 'try to help you'.

He is equally responsible for parenting your children. He can choose to leave you relationship if he isn't happy, but he needs to discuss with you how he's going to manage 50% of the parenting.

I'm saying this in the knowledge that I bet he does nothing like 50%, and I bet he intends to do even less once he leaves to pursue his teenage years again.

You'll be better off without him, I suspect. But he needs to understand he can't elect to stop being a father.

But the sad truth is he can can’t he ☹️
he can be forced to pay towards them, if he’s earning, but he can’t be mandated to have contact or take on some of the parenting, it’s shit.

OP might be best moving to be near family but then he’s going to be no help at all and probably never even see them.

OP don’t rush into moving, maybe see how it goes staying in the area.

i wonder if he’ll get this ridiculousness out of his system. Obviously never take him back but I hope beyond hope that he matures and steps up as a parent.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2025 18:51

beAsensible1 · 10/01/2025 18:31

OP has said he has been sitting and crying everyday for ages.

telling her to take all the money out of the joint account and think he’s cheating is doing her a disservice.

it doesn’t seem has gotten any help other than SSRIs.
there are some serious red flags for his mental health here.

Show quote history

I agree, he most likely has serious MH issues. But as others have posted, this is no longer OP's problem. He has declared that they are over and as far as she can tell he is in a hotel. She needs to put herself and her DC first and protect them as best she can. Bottom line, regardless of what he may be feeling or dealing with, the time is now to look to her own needs. His needs are far beyond her and he's not asking for help.

I don't like to use the word 'pandering' in this situation but I can't think of a better word. IMHO she doesn't need to pander to his MH issues at the sacrifice of her own well-being.

My personal advice was to take HALF of any joint funds and I stand by that. And I never said he was cheating. I agree, others have and the 'he must be cheating' trope is endemic to MN regardless of the STBX's actual circumstances. I find it unhelpful in any situation to throw that into the mix of emotions an OP is dealing with. Better for the party being left to focus on moving forward than agonizing about a possible OW.

isthatmyage · 10/01/2025 19:10

Nicola6410 · 10/01/2025 17:46

Thank you everyone for all your advice it's greatly appreciated

OP I hope you have the house deposit money safely somewhere so that he cannot access it. Be out of character and, as they say on here, get all your financial and personal ducks in a row for you and your children. So glad you have your family in London if needed. Good luck xx

2024onwardsandup · 10/01/2025 19:15

These things infuriate me. A woman who left her children uncared for would be charged with neglect.

MumblesParty · 10/01/2025 19:20

OP please don’t waste too much compassion and sympathy on him. I know you love him, and you can see he’s hurting so you want to comfort him. But he’s almost certainly hurting because he feels traumatised at having met someone else. Yes in all probability it is part of a breakdown, but he’s not going to see that until he’s out the other side, having spent time with the other woman, and finally realised what he’s lost.