My boyfriend of 10 years is depressed and wants to be single again?

[Nicola6410]

We have 2 children and live together. Been together coming up 11 years and now he says he wants to be free and single, no responsibility and be care free to do as he wants when he wants. I have no family left near me so my only option would be to move 400 miles away to be with family for support meaning my whole life would change, job, school, house etc. He had been quiet for a few months and then dropped this bombshell on me yesterday. We were supposed to be buying a house, everything was ready to go. I know he's only going to go downhill as he wants to party and be a teenager again. He is 32. He says his mind is made up about this and that's what he wants to do. Should I try to change his mind or just go? Iv been with him since I was 19 and we have been through so much. I love him and don't want to go. I was happy and didn't see anything wrong but he says he is depressed and his new moto is you only live one. HELP. IM GOING OUT OF MY MIND

Yeah but that’s sexual abuse and grooming. I’m not excusing his actions but it sounds like the trauma is causing a breakdown and he needs help.

It's hard, if not impossible, to come back from this. If he stays (for now) he'll have free rein to behave like a shit because he knows you'll be desperate to stop him leaving again. You'll be constantly anxious waiting for something else to happen and it'll be no life.

Best thing to do is to take hold of the situation and accept that you're no longer a team and he's no longer on your side. You don't owe him shit. Get that maintenance claim open and see whether you're entitled to Universal Credit - they'll cover most of your childcare costs if so. Don't depend on him and don't trust anything that comes out his mouth. Make the decisions that benefit you and your children, he can sort himself out from now.

And yes, they only ever say this when there's some mug waiting to take them of your hands.

That's absurd. He should have thought about that before fathering children.

OP that is a massive thing you’ve just said. He had his teenage childhood stolen by being groomed and assaulted for 5+ years.

and then hasn’t had more than 6 months single in his adult life. He sounds as if he is in crisis and needs help.
let alone having cancer before the age of 30 it’s sounds like he’s had quite a traumatic youth early adulthood.

however dropping you in it like this isn’t ok, I would leave with your deposit and head held high. Hopefully you can have a functioning coparenting relationship.

And he'll be paying how much to support to his kids?

Depression and mental illness can cause you to say and do really irrational stuff. I mean he could just be a cheat or whatever but the fact that he’s saying he’s doing to relive his youth and go wild suggests that he’s not thinking straight. You don’t get many men actually saying that.

If it was a female friend saying she wanted to go off and go on crazy nights out and leave her kids behind and she also had a history of having been groomed as a teen and had depression, I’d be very concerned. I wouldn’t just label her an unfeeling cow.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

Does he know you'd move so far away if you broke up? What does he make of not seeing his kids?

He says he will TRY to help with the children, tell him he DAMN well will be helping with the children, if he thinks he is going off to live the wild free and single life he can think again, don’t worry about saying this to him as by the sounds of this he is never going to request full custody or even 50/50, also make him aware of his financial responsibilities

At the moment do not tell him you are thinking of moving to be closer to your parents, let him think that you will stay close to where he is and that he will be looking after them at least 50% of the time, he really needs to get with reality

The difference is that 99% of the time it’s men who do the whole “I want my youth back” thing, and 99% of the time it’s because they’ve met someone else. Women rarely opt out of parenting, so if I had a female friend who expressed a desire to do that, it would be more concerning. Unfortunately a lot of men do it.

It would be deeply humiliating for OP to express sympathy with her partner, wanting to excuse his behaviour and nurture him, help him recover from his depression etc, when in all probability he’s met a younger woman and wants to have fun with her. If he was actually depressed he’d most likely have started his medication.

The thing is, he can. It's really really easy for men to leave their children. He doesn't have to parent them. He doesn't even have to pay for them, no one can really make him.

OP needs to understand that he CAN in fact elect to stop being a father. It happens every single day. They just stop.

I don't think anyone expects him to want 50/50, but suggesting it would probably knock him sideways, as he's given himself permission to leave, and to 'help out' with the kids every now and then.

What work and support are you expecting to do if you move down south... Childminders are expensive here too ..

If you are split you may need to work different hours/more and use before/after school care and not work weekends that way you share the load with him...

You have to work out what works for you and dc .... Not fit around him any more....
He will need to cover childcare in his time..

Property is probably massively cheaper where you are ..and although your remaining family are down south are they offering somewhere for you to live?? Have you ever done that before??

I would just pause a bit and take time to take stock.....

@Nicola6410

The first thing to understand is that regardless of why he's gotten a wild hair up his arse, you can't stop him from leaving and you won't be able to make him step up with the DC. So you need to be thinking only of yourself and your DC.

The deposit is solely in your name? Good! Consider it your 'severance' pay and keep it. If it's in a joint account, move your share or half (whichever is greater) to an account solely in your name. Call the estate agent and cancel the house purchase. If there are any refundable deposits or securities paid, be sure they come back directly to you.

And whilst we're on the subject of money, if you have joint finances, separate them immediately. If not, just to be on the safe side change all your passwords. In fact, change passwords to any/all things in your name like utilities, TV packages, etc. You need to realize that as of this moment you are a single parent. Protect yourself and keep protecting yourself, regardless of the outcome.

If you can afford where you're living, even for a few months, stay put (for now) and tell him to leave. Say that since he is the one who wants out, he should be the one who leaves so the children are as least disrupted as possible. Use this time to catch your breath and make more permanent plans for your future. Don't rush in to anything. Other than rushing to file for CMS. If you can't afford it on your own, stay put anyway, but begin to live as a single person. I don't mean dating, I mean making your own decisions, separating finances as above, and STOP doing any 'domestic services' for him. No cooking meals other than for you and DC, no doing his laundry, shopping, life admin, cleaning up after. And either move into another room if you can or tell him to sleep on the sofa. In other words, no sex and no sharing a bed. He is no longer your partner. He is your 'roommate'.

Please, please call your mum and your sister and let them know what's going on. At this point you really don't know their situation or their ability to be of practical help to you. Only when you find out how much of a help they will really be can you make your plans. It may be better for you and DC to move, not to London, but to somewhere cheaper but farther away.

You'll get through this, you will. Just stand tall, steel your emotions, and think about yourself, first and foremost. And do not do the 'pick me dance'. If he is 'done' with you, you must be done with him. Keep your pride and your dignity. You will be glad you did.

As people we change a lot between the ages of 18 and 30. What we may want at 20, isn't necessarily what we want at 30. By the time we reach 30+ the need to booze, go clubbing, stay out to 4 am and having multiple relationships, usually disappears. We mature and grow-up. The problem is, your partner never did those teenage/20s things, we all do, because he was in various relationships. He's suddenly realising he's missed out, and wants to turn the clock back. We all know, you can't turn the clock back, yes, he can go and do all those things, but he's 32, not 22. He'll never have those years back because they're gone. I guess he's planning on being the 'oldest clubber in town', is he, still trying to recapture his youth at 42?!!! He will very quickly discover the 'grass isn't greener'. However, you need to focus on you and the children. You have to plan, as if he's not going to be there. Don't rely on him for childcare etc, because given his new found 'youth', he'll be too busy to bother with his family. Unfortunately, it sounds as if you may need to consider moving closer to family. Talk to your family, see what advice they can give you regarding the area they live - housing, schools, look into employment etc. For the record, your boyfriend is a selfish arse, make sure you claim Child Maintenance, and you deserve better.

As others have said @Nicola6410 I wouldn't rush into anything apart from telling him to bugger off and making sure he can't access any of your assets.

Housing is expensive in the south- both rented and purchasing , and demands for rentals are huge under a certain amount- is your job 'portable' ? Is it in an area where there are vacancies everywhere health/public services etc ? Because you will need a job in place to be able to rent - can you move in with family etc - do family actually want to help on a regular basis , not just saying it - that's important!! Get him out, give yourself room to breathe and sit and think on all these aspects.

My mum and sister have said they will help find me a job and will help with school runs, childcare etc. I would like to stay here but in reality I have no one here. So without sounding selfish I will have no time for me or to go out and eventually meet someone because it will literally just be me and my kids up here. I work for a small business up here so it's not like I could move away and keep my job. He has never been the one for cheating and I have trusted him fully throughout our entire relationship. He hates cheaters with a passion so I don't think there's someone else. I think he has just gone off the rails at the moment. I know depression can make you act irrational. He sometimes just sits and cries so I know he is unwell at the moment and that's why I'm not sure on leaving him. In a way I feel I have to look after him and help him through this dark time. But on the other hand it is incredibly selfish to leave me alone with everything.

And he pretty much has already left he's been staying at a hotel last night and also will be away tonight and has planned to go out in town tomorrow night.

He used to hate cheaters

I'm really sorry.

Don't let him get his hands on any money and start planning for you and your children

'He has never been the one for cheating and I have trusted him fully throughout our entire relationship. He hates cheaters with a passion so I don't think there's someone else.'

I hate to say this but I've not known of any relationship where the betrayed wife wouldn't have said this about the husband who betrayed her before she found out about the cheating.

A lot cheaters sit and cry
If I was keeping such a massive dirty secret it would have me in turmoil too
It does sound like moving to be closer to family will be better for you

You have to cancel the house purchase. Then I would take the money and leave. Can you stay with family down south until you can find a rental? Could you be within half an hour of them and live a bit cheaper? But please don't proceed with the house, do not trust anything that comes out of his mouth. Move forward with the only focus being what is right for you and the children or he will have you dancing on a chain of his misery for months, and also I'm afraid I agree with everyone else it sounds very much like there is another woman in the wings.

i'm sorry OP, this is so awful.

he sounds like he needs some help he is trying to get the youth that was taken form him but unfortunately its never coming back and he needs to come to terms with the loss.

there's not much you can do for him other than focus on yourself. i know its not much comfort but know that its not you and he is obviously going through something with no easy fix.

hopefully he will get to the GP and get some actual help to manage his depression.

You’re not married. What did you expect? 9/10 men of this age who are only living with women and not married to them are just waiting for their ideal woman to come along, children or not. Just move on and make sure he pays his child support from the get go