Wonderful relationship but he doesn't want to live together

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I have been seeing a wonderful man for 18 months. We are the same age (40s), both no kids, both divorced, both left our respective long term relationships 2 years ago. So we met each other when we were quite newly single - in fact I was DP's first online date! We live separately, around 20 mins apart.

The issue is that I would like us to move in together, but DP isn't keen to yet. Says it's too soon for him, he doesn't feel ready for that kind of commitment, and he values his own space (he is very introverted and enjoys doing his own thing).

I am reluctant to walk away because he js in every other way the perfect partner. Kind, considerate, funny, handsome, smart. He otherwise makes me feel very loved and cared for, and always prioritises his time for me even though we live separately- messages daily, spends 3 nights a week & most of every weekend with me.

He had a harder time than I did moving on from his divorce - he ended it with his ex so carried a lot of guilt. He also says he realised he hadn't been very good at being in touch with or processing his own emotions let alone sharing these with others, which meant he eventually realised he was quite unhappy (both with his relationship as well as life generally). He has been in counselling for this since before he split with his ex. A key issue is that he has felt "stuck", feeling scared to make big decisions in case he gets them wrong (e.g. how to plan financially for his future, what to do with his career, etc).

In the 18 months I've known him, he's made a lot of progress with these issues (e.g. now has a plan for the financial stuff), and has gotten noticeably better at processing his feelings and opening up about them, to the point where we have a really good emotional connection. The one big area he still seems stuck on is living together, he seems too scared to commit, but is also very aware of the impact of not doing so.

I'm unsure whether to keep going or stick it out in the hope that he will get there in tjme. It is important to me to be able to build a future together with someone. However, we have an otherwise wonderful relationship (great emotional intimacy, not to mention sparks fly in the bedroom), we still plan and commit to things like holidays, and he is clearly on a journey of self development and making progress. We also spend loads of time together despite living apart. I don't feel ready to walk away and would really regret not giving him enough of a chance as he is otherwise my perfect man! Am I being silly to keep going with this in the hope we will get there eventually?

This is baffling. Why on earth are you thinking of ending this relationship? What’s the rush to live together? You’ve only been together 18 months. I assume you aren’t expecting to have children so why not enjoy your freedom and independence while enjoying dating? I think he’s being both honest and sensible.

Hi OP, I am in a very happy relationship at the moment and we both have our own homes, we are also childfree and both in our 40s. We choose which home we spend time with and it is really working for us, I was the instigator as after my divorce I didn't want to be stuck again in the same house with someone after a relationship breakup, having to disentangle myself from another person.

I would understand your need to share a house if you were planning to have children, but as 2 independent 40-something adults with no kids I don't quite understand your focus on "sharing the same house" as the one and only possibility for your relationship, especially with a person who is still processing his feelings and life after separation.

Perhaps take some time to self-reflect about why you're feeling like this, and what exactly having just one house for the two of you is so important for you. Do you really want it yourself or is this what the expectation has been set for you in the way you were raised? How would your life be if you just kept both your houses and "lived apart together"? What is it exactly that you are missing right now from this relationship that living together would fix?

Don't get me wrong, i don't know you and it may well be that you have very valid reasons for wanting to live together. However I have found many people have the assumption this just "happens" in a relationship and have never analysed the reasons behind that assumption. I believe that, particularly for women who have reached a level of independence, this arrangement of still keeping separate houses is hugely beneficial.

Good luck whatever you decide!

Are you concerned about marriage/the future of the relationship? If that's the case, you need to talk about that with him directly.

18 months is no time at all. My opinion is that each of you keeping your financial independence and personal space is just common sense.

I’d stick it out, probably. The reason I would hurry a relationship along is if I wanted kids and it was crucial not to lose time. Otherwise your set up sounds nice enough.

I suppose it’s not just the living together? You also hope for marriage in the future? More shared decisions / planning life together etc?

Have you talked about other aspects of commitment at all? Does he say that he hopes to co-habit / marry again in time but just not yet; has he suggested he would eventually like to do those things with you or do you feel that you’re a placeholder?

If he recognises this is important to you and is positive about the possibility of more commitment in future then it’s actually a good sign that he’s taking time to work out his own stuff.

I’m 18 months separated and in a wonderful new relationship.

But I have no desire to live together right now and don’t know if I ever will.

Online dating is an absolute zoo, swarming with deadbeats, cocklodgers, married cheats, losers, abusers and weirdos. Why would you even consider walking away from a man who sounds lovely and obviously cares for you, just to dive back into that cesspool?

Your set up sounds great, and whilst I appreciate you want more, if kids are not a consideration you’re not under any particular time pressure, are you? You have years ahead of you for the relationship to develop without the need to rush him at a time when he’s clearly still working through some stuff (and yet is still prioritising you and trying to ensure you’re happy).

If your worry is that he’ll never be ready and that you ultimately have different long-term goals for the relationship, then you need to gently broach that conversation with him. But from everything you’ve said, I’d definitely be inclined to stick with it, regardless of the fact you’re not quite on the same timeline.

I’m not suggesting you should stay in a relationship just because the alternatives might be worse, because that’s obviously not your situation, but I think you need to realise that your experience of quickly meeting a new partner who’s almost your ‘perfect man’ at 40+, post-divorce, is really, really not typical. Good, kind, single men are like hen’s teeth, and I think if you walk away from him you’ll have a hell of a shock and a lot of regret.

I’m also curious why cohabiting is so important to you that you are considering ending what sounds like a great relationship. Is it because you feel a relationship isn’t whole unless you live together? Or is it more societal in that you want to be seen as a partnership almost like a married couple? There obviously are several other reasons why living together might be so important to you. I’m not asking you to explain them here, if you’d wanted to do that you would have. But I hope you will weigh those reasons against what other posters have said the really good position you are in.

Way too soon, I always give a relationship at least 5 years before thinking about moving in. I never lived with a boyfriend, I loved having my own space. I only moved in with DH when we had a baby. Everyone is different though, if your relationship is happy I would give him all the time he wants.

You got divorced two
years ago, met this guy within 6 months and here you are desperate to move in.
It's perfectly normal to have a relationship and not live together.

Just read all the threads on this forum from people who moved in quickly and then regretted it and those who have ended up in difficulties because they either have someone in their house not contributing or have no assets as they live in the DPs house.
Its a big decision and he's quite right to be cautious. He sounds great and this relationship sounds great. Why throw that away

It’s actually really common now for older people to keep their own homes and not cohabitate and it’s really sensible. Spending most nights at each others homes but both keeping your own space is best of both worlds imo so please don’t throw away a brilliant relationship for this one thing.

Im far more in agreement with your DP - I’d never live the someone again.

Theres not exactly a glut of eligible men out there at 40+ and there’s no guarantee you’d meet someone else who wants the whole cohabitation thing.

I think you’d be mad to throw away a great man over a couple of extra nights a week under the same roof.

I think that you have a very good man and you will regret at some later point if you throw in the towel.

OP he sounds fantastic let him make the decision all in good time simple as that.

Why on earth do you call him your partner. Maybe change your mindset and have a boyfriend and be happy. Why can't people just have fun and date and live seperately nowadays?

Have fun with this current boyfriend and take what he says about his past with a large pinch of salt.

You appear to view him not wanting to live together as a problem that needs to be fixed. Has it ever occurred to you that him not wanting to live together is a sensible and logical response to his experience. Why do you want to force him into a situation which he clearly doesn’t want? Is this more about your want for your relationship to be seen as ’progressing’ rather than its progression.

You talk a lot about where he is at in his personal development and what he needs and wants. He sounds as if he's in a good and sensible place and is talking honestly about his position in life and in your relationship. What about you? Where are you in this? Why do you want more? What more do you want? Are you working to develop yourself and your own life or just investing in this relationship as the answer to something?

I think your boyfriend is right. Enjoy your relationship, let it develop, I think you are rushing , There are distinct advantages to living separately OP x

I think you got unbelievably lucky and met someone very quickly post divorce. Decent men in the forties/fifties bracket who aren't players, ghosters, secretly married or ludicrously chasing 25 year olds are scarce and don't stay single for long.

Lots of people choose not to move in together quickly or not move in together at all, particularly when past their thirties and not wanting children. I don't think he has a commitment issue but rather a liking his own space sometimes proclivity which is hardly a crime and can be very healthy. By all means chuck a really lovely sounding man away for your idea of what a relationship ought to look like, but ironically you may then end up living alone anyway as it can be very bleak out there for the forty something single.

Like others say, 18 months is not long, especially if you've both recently left marriages.
To be honest, if DH and I split up, I seriously don't think I'd ever want to live with a man again. I'm an introvert. I like my own peace and space. I can imagine having a wonderful relationship with someone but always maintaining my own space.
So I definitely think it's way too early to be pressurising him to live with you. I also think you need to consider how you'd feel if he always wants to live alone.

I'm with him. 18 months isn't a long time to be together. And what's the rush? I'd say you currently have the best of both worlds - a relationship you're happy in and your own independence / own space. There are lots of advantages to living together. In fact, moving in could spoil everything.

What are your reasons for being keen to move in? Is it financial? Do you want to be 'seen' as a couple? Do you see it as a sign of commitment? Do you want to spend more time with him than you currently do? Is it because 'that's what people do'?

Being together but living apart is the holy grail isn't it?

Companionship and not having to deal with other people's dirty laundry, snoring and being in your space

This. He’s made a completely valid decision. He doesn’t want to live with you. If that’s a deal-breaker for you, I’d be thinking about why before ending things. Why are you so keen to live together?

OP - don’t throw away a good relationship over this, why on earth would you.

I am married to a wonderful man and we don’t live together. I appreciate that it is unusual but it works for us. We spend most of our time in one home or another. I have older teens and we don’t plan to live together until they are established in their own homes but honestly I would happily keep this set up forever. I recommend it to anyone!

I actually think he's being the sensible one in this situation. 18 months is very soon to be considering talking about moving in.

He's obviously given this some proper thought and knows he still has some stuff to work through following his divorce/separation.

In your shoes I'd be considering it a massive green flag that he's so self aware and doesn't want to rush in to things.