Wonderful relationship but he doesn't want to live together

[BoxOfCats]

I have been seeing a wonderful man for 18 months. We are the same age (40s), both no kids, both divorced, both left our respective long term relationships 2 years ago. So we met each other when we were quite newly single - in fact I was DP's first online date! We live separately, around 20 mins apart.

The issue is that I would like us to move in together, but DP isn't keen to yet. Says it's too soon for him, he doesn't feel ready for that kind of commitment, and he values his own space (he is very introverted and enjoys doing his own thing).

I am reluctant to walk away because he js in every other way the perfect partner. Kind, considerate, funny, handsome, smart. He otherwise makes me feel very loved and cared for, and always prioritises his time for me even though we live separately- messages daily, spends 3 nights a week & most of every weekend with me.

He had a harder time than I did moving on from his divorce - he ended it with his ex so carried a lot of guilt. He also says he realised he hadn't been very good at being in touch with or processing his own emotions let alone sharing these with others, which meant he eventually realised he was quite unhappy (both with his relationship as well as life generally). He has been in counselling for this since before he split with his ex. A key issue is that he has felt "stuck", feeling scared to make big decisions in case he gets them wrong (e.g. how to plan financially for his future, what to do with his career, etc).

In the 18 months I've known him, he's made a lot of progress with these issues (e.g. now has a plan for the financial stuff), and has gotten noticeably better at processing his feelings and opening up about them, to the point where we have a really good emotional connection. The one big area he still seems stuck on is living together, he seems too scared to commit, but is also very aware of the impact of not doing so.

I'm unsure whether to keep going or stick it out in the hope that he will get there in tjme. It is important to me to be able to build a future together with someone. However, we have an otherwise wonderful relationship (great emotional intimacy, not to mention sparks fly in the bedroom), we still plan and commit to things like holidays, and he is clearly on a journey of self development and making progress. We also spend loads of time together despite living apart. I don't feel ready to walk away and would really regret not giving him enough of a chance as he is otherwise my perfect man! Am I being silly to keep going with this in the hope we will get there eventually?

I think you're being silly to be thinking about walking away from such a good thing for no good reason.

What's the rush, do you think he might be seeing other women in the same way? As from what you said I can't think of any other reasons why you need it to happen quickly.

Oh yes. I’m married and been together 18 years but I fantasise about living separately almost every day. I would love this set up. I occasionally try to encourage him to move in with his mum, because, you know, she’s getting on now and needs help 😉

It is popular with women in their 50's to be extremely protective of their lovely little homes.
They have no wish for their homes to be invaded.
They love being able to socialise independently in their own spaces without any consultation with others.

At nearly 60 my friends and I increasingly enjoy everyone brings a dish night.
Great food, wine, company, in a home setting.
Really the best type of evenings.

What's your rush???

Me and my partner have lived apart for almost 6 years and are now moving in together.

It had been good taking our time and has definitely strengthened our relationship . We have late teen kids and if we had blended the families at a younger age it would have been a disaster.

Separate houses is a great thing to maintain space and independence and it makes the weekends special and I believe you see how strong your relationship is as you both make effort to maintain your closeness by having food communication and planning mid week meets and fun weekends and holidays .

@TwistedWonder I thought she's 40, so could still be hopeful of course? Anyway no idea about this as she hasn't said but wondering why else she wishes to rush.

Thanks for the replies, this has been really good food for thought for me. I have been in 2 long term relationships previously and moved in relatively quickly with those partners so I guess that's been my point of reference so far. It is important to me to have a shared future with someone, but I take your point that I have a wonderful thing with this man already so why make the cohabitation element such a big deal.

There isn't anything in particular driving the timeline, neither of us want kids. We spend 3 nights a week together, I do miss him the days I don't see him though.

I think perhaps what has driven my anxiety is that when we discuss the long term future the way he talks about it he seems very uncertain about what he wants, and it's as if I don't feature in any long term plans. I think ultimately what I'm looking for is a sense that there might be more commitment in the longer term, not necessarily to marriage but I'd like to feel we were partners in life if that makes sense? But I also appreciate that he's only 2 years post splitting with his ex, and as many of you have pointed out it's only a good thing that he's taking the time to figure things out for himself.

It doesn't bother me what others think of the relationship, it's not about living together to be more of a couple in other people's eyes.

His actions towards me are otherwise those of a loving and committed partner though. I don't feel like a "placeholder " as one person has suggested.

Thanks again, I will calm the farm on moving in and just enjoy the relationship for what it is.... it's still pretty amazing after all.

I wish I had a selection box of cats!

I already have two cats and they are high maintenance so perhaps it just feels like that's what I have even if I don't!

Nothing wrong with not living together. You can still have a great relationship.

My mum and her partner had a very successful relationship of 12 years until he sadly died) and they never cohabited. They were both widowed ( in mum’s case she met him 15 years after my dad died) and both liked their own space. They had a great, loving and committed relationship and he was like a grandad to my DC, easily as much as if they’d lived together. They spent several nights a week at each other’s houses and several in their own. It worked brilliantly for them. When he died it turned out he’d made provision for mum in his will, alongside his step daughters from his marriage. I wouldn’t give up the relationship just because you’d prefer to cohabit, it could turn out to be the best of both worlds for you!

Why is everyone telling OP not wanting to live together is fine? Of course it is if both people want it. My mother's aunt lived apart from her husband for decades before he died, it worked very well for them and it probably saved their marriage.

But for me it wouldn't work. I'm in my 40s as well, single, childfree and introverted. If I ever find a great man to share my life with, I'd very much like to live together with him. I know myself well enough to know that compromising on things that are important in a relationship just leads to resentment.

I'll be honest, good relationship but living apart? Sounds perfect.

For me, thinking about your timelines. It's like you have jumped out of the pan and are trying to jump into the fire. Living by yourself takes a lot of getting used to as does moving on from divorce, you have described how hard he has found it. Now he has reached a good place his current situation maybe feels stable and that for him another move is too soon. He said "not yet" and that doesn't mean no, it means just not now. You need to give him time or move on.

It’s 18mths. No need to rush things

have 2 homes and see each other and enjoy the 2 nights apart as that’s all it sounds like

see friends. Watch tv those nights and enjoy bed to self

Your first answer seems to me to have nailed it!

Leave it another 6 months and then try to get to the bottom of what he wants the next 30 years to look like

Just to add, I'm mid sixties now. I have a loving pussycat of a partner for the last (wait for it...) 30 years. Yes that's right.

We each own our houses and don't have children. Both successful in careers before retirement. He lives rurally I live in the city. It has been a great success, with the usual bumps in the road like any long term relationship.

We have discussed care needs if either or both need it, and have provision for outside care or nursing home if needed. Neither of us is expected to take on full time caring duties, although we will do our best otherwise of course. POAs and DNRs and so on in place. Our wills made with provision for each other and our nieces and nephews and other bits and pieces.

Better to have things out in the open so we all know where we stand. Our families do raise an eyebrow now and then and ask when we might marry! We have no intention of doing so, it is not as necessary as someone who has children or intends to have them, or is dependent and so on.

Just my tuppence worth for what it's worth!

Your decision in your reply at 2.33 I think is a good one. Glad to read you have found a lovely man, not everyone does.

My thoughts exactly

I wouldn’t walk away or be in rush to move in after 18 months, you might have had a blueprint of moving in early, but it hasn’t worked in your past relationships, so why the rush to repeat mistakes. Take things in their own time. He seems sensibly cautious.