Wonderful relationship but he doesn't want to live together

[BoxOfCats]

I have been seeing a wonderful man for 18 months. We are the same age (40s), both no kids, both divorced, both left our respective long term relationships 2 years ago. So we met each other when we were quite newly single - in fact I was DP's first online date! We live separately, around 20 mins apart.

The issue is that I would like us to move in together, but DP isn't keen to yet. Says it's too soon for him, he doesn't feel ready for that kind of commitment, and he values his own space (he is very introverted and enjoys doing his own thing).

I am reluctant to walk away because he js in every other way the perfect partner. Kind, considerate, funny, handsome, smart. He otherwise makes me feel very loved and cared for, and always prioritises his time for me even though we live separately- messages daily, spends 3 nights a week & most of every weekend with me.

He had a harder time than I did moving on from his divorce - he ended it with his ex so carried a lot of guilt. He also says he realised he hadn't been very good at being in touch with or processing his own emotions let alone sharing these with others, which meant he eventually realised he was quite unhappy (both with his relationship as well as life generally). He has been in counselling for this since before he split with his ex. A key issue is that he has felt "stuck", feeling scared to make big decisions in case he gets them wrong (e.g. how to plan financially for his future, what to do with his career, etc).

In the 18 months I've known him, he's made a lot of progress with these issues (e.g. now has a plan for the financial stuff), and has gotten noticeably better at processing his feelings and opening up about them, to the point where we have a really good emotional connection. The one big area he still seems stuck on is living together, he seems too scared to commit, but is also very aware of the impact of not doing so.

I'm unsure whether to keep going or stick it out in the hope that he will get there in tjme. It is important to me to be able to build a future together with someone. However, we have an otherwise wonderful relationship (great emotional intimacy, not to mention sparks fly in the bedroom), we still plan and commit to things like holidays, and he is clearly on a journey of self development and making progress. We also spend loads of time together despite living apart. I don't feel ready to walk away and would really regret not giving him enough of a chance as he is otherwise my perfect man! Am I being silly to keep going with this in the hope we will get there eventually?

You'd be mad to end it because of this, or push him to move in too fast. I was your DP when I got together with my DH. We were together for 3 years before I was ready for him to move in. Now married obviously and very happy. Don't rush it! And even if you never live together so what? Do you think great men in their 40s and above are ten a penny??

What’s the rush. Do you ever even need to live together?! You have time together and you have some fantastic time apart. Sparks fly. You really don’t need anything else. Stop pushing for some imagined intimacy that comes from being with one another 24-7 but could in fact be very claustrophobic for him

18 months is nothing. It sounds like you have a lovely set up as it is.

I wouldn't end a relationship for this, and in fact it would suit me down to the ground. The only reason to rush things is if you were thinking to have a family (not sure if you are 40 or 49 - it may not be on your list at all). Otherwise surely it is more sensible to keep your own places and separate finances while gradually spending more and more time together at each other's homes?

He is being very sensible and mature.You mention he is doing counselling, are you going through similar?

The reason for asking is that your post reads as if you believe he has issues because he doesn't want to commit, whereas I would suggest you might need to understand your commitment needs, from such a short relationship.

Just be careful to avoid "blaming" him before looking to yourself.

Agree with this. It does read as if he’s in the wrong for not wanting to rush in and that he’s the one with issues rather than it just being a difference in opinions and how they view what’s necessary to be committed.

IMO cohabitation isn’t essential for a relationship to be committed, healthy, thriving and positive. Maybe rather that put it down to his lack of commitment, ask yourself why it’s such a big deal for you and why you’re pushing him so early in the relationship.

If it’s a deal breaker then it’s your call but as you can see by the pretty unanimous responses, you’d be mad to throw away a good thing. Believe me, the nature dating pool is an absolute swamp - the fact you’ve found a good guy is rare and not to be let go of.

FWIW he sounds open, honest and straightforward about what the deal is here, and as PPs have said rushing things is hardly necessary if having DCs isn't in the picture - and even if it was, rushing isn't a good idea

Only you know him so only you can make the decision, but I don't think I'd throw away what you've got because of this if things are otherwise good

I'll have what she's having.

I'd be the partner in this scenario - and actually 5 nights a week would be too many for me! I too like my own space. I never want to live with someone again, unless in a place big enough to maintain separate spaces. I'm not sure what the advantages (other than financial) there are to moving in with anyone.

Why would you dump him? Sounds like a lovely guy who is still working on himself. Have you taken the huff because he doesn't want to move in. Give it time and also 18 months is no time at all to move in together your being really unfair

You are seeing his not wanting to move in together as some sort of failing that he needs to overcome, or recover from, with the help of counselling. That he will ‘progress from’ as he ‘improves’.

I see it is a form of strength and honesty, to himself and to you.

18 months is a short time, given that the first months would have been non serious.

He presumably needs time, proper time, to be himself after a long unfulfilling marriage.

He’s acting with strength and integrity.

You have a great relationship. You will dent it if you start pressurising him or being needy. What is it you need or want that you can’t get from your own resources in making yourself happy, or the loving happy relationship you have? Where is your insecurity?

All assuming there are no signs that he is commitment averse, or stringing you along etc.

Bloody hell it sounds ideal.

I love my DH but if I could have 2 days a week where I could lay watching horror films and sharing a steak with the cat I would be delighted. That’s what I do if he goes away.

The other big consideration is the financial side.

Your user name @BoxOfCats is great. Do you have an actual selection box of cats and is that anything to do with it? Just asking, I don't have a problem with it as I have cats too!

Sounds ideal. Keep your own home, peace, financial security and enjoy dating without some bloke in your property.

I would love this- actually I never want to live with a man again I value my own space too much and this way you avoid all the arguments about housework 🤣

This would be my ideal set up. Indeed every other weekend would suit me. Why on Earth are you considering ending a lovely relationship because of having separate properties? I think that would be very foolish. It's a new relationship, 18 months is no time at all. Leave things be.

I didn't move in with my partner until 5 years in!

OP, he is trying to become as emotionally healthy as he can be before he commits to moving in.
I really think this is a good thing.

Better he is all in than half in and it falls apart.
18 months is not long in this situation after a divorce.
I would not blow this up.
I think it is reasonable to discuss your end goal and see if they are ultimately the same.
But giving him more time to process a divorce is ok IMO.

Sounds like he's being very sensible. I don't see the rush to move in together when you've only been dating for 18 months. Just enjoy your relationship as it is. Would be mental to split up for that.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that something feels a bit off actually, from what you have described. I don’t know exactly what it is but maybe you do, deep down, and that is why this is bothering you.

Do you think that he likes you as much as you like him? Or does it feel as if he holds all the power in the relationship while you are left wanting more? Because that does matter. It matters whether you live with someone or not.

You don’t have to be “grateful” that you have met someone, whatever your age/divorce etc! You are worth more than settling in something where you don’t feel seen and loved and cherished, and if you don’t really feel that and you know deep down that something isn’t right, then it’s perfectly legitimate to think about walking away, even it does sound good on paper or other people don’t understand what your issue is. Trust yourself and your instinct a bit more.

@ChoppedLivers I agree. Nothing wrong with living separately and taking things very slow of that's what you both want but it doesn't like you do want to do that? I've got a couple of friends who were strung along by men in similar situations, they realised after many years that the men would never be 'ready' and regretted not leaving sooner. If you want to share a home and not have a part time boyfriend you don't have to settle for this OP.

Don't dump him Op but I'd detach a bit, five nights a week is too much time together if he's not ready to commit. See him less and build up your own life. I'd also make sure he wasn't always staying at yours, split your time between homes or you're the one whose paying extra all the time

I’ve also known friends in that type of situation, and what I have seen repeatedly happen is that the man ends the relationship and then meets another woman who he is commits to quickly and enthusiastically - whether it’s kids/marriage/moving in together. It was never about “fear of commitment/need for own space etc.” it was just that they didn’t want to commit to that woman in particular !

From what I know of and have seen or relationships, when a man is really keen, he is quick to push for or agree to commitment as he sees the woman as so brilliant that he thinks he is incredibly lucky to have her interest and that there is always a real risk of losing her to someone else. Lukewarm isn’t a good sign.

@ChoppedLivers yes agree, I've seen that too. It would've been far kinder to just say look I'm not looking for anything serious and then the other party can make an informed choice. This whole "not yet/I've got issues I'm working on" spiel is just camouflage for "I'm not all in and don't want to be." That might suit some people but it sounds like you want more OP. If you don't know how you feel about someone after 18 months it's a bad sign. What's that quote? If it's not yes then it's a no. You deserve full commitment if that's what you want OP.

@ChoppedLivers and @JJkate But it's only been 18 months!