Wonderful relationship but he doesn't want to live together

[BoxOfCats]

I have been seeing a wonderful man for 18 months. We are the same age (40s), both no kids, both divorced, both left our respective long term relationships 2 years ago. So we met each other when we were quite newly single - in fact I was DP's first online date! We live separately, around 20 mins apart.

The issue is that I would like us to move in together, but DP isn't keen to yet. Says it's too soon for him, he doesn't feel ready for that kind of commitment, and he values his own space (he is very introverted and enjoys doing his own thing).

I am reluctant to walk away because he js in every other way the perfect partner. Kind, considerate, funny, handsome, smart. He otherwise makes me feel very loved and cared for, and always prioritises his time for me even though we live separately- messages daily, spends 3 nights a week & most of every weekend with me.

He had a harder time than I did moving on from his divorce - he ended it with his ex so carried a lot of guilt. He also says he realised he hadn't been very good at being in touch with or processing his own emotions let alone sharing these with others, which meant he eventually realised he was quite unhappy (both with his relationship as well as life generally). He has been in counselling for this since before he split with his ex. A key issue is that he has felt "stuck", feeling scared to make big decisions in case he gets them wrong (e.g. how to plan financially for his future, what to do with his career, etc).

In the 18 months I've known him, he's made a lot of progress with these issues (e.g. now has a plan for the financial stuff), and has gotten noticeably better at processing his feelings and opening up about them, to the point where we have a really good emotional connection. The one big area he still seems stuck on is living together, he seems too scared to commit, but is also very aware of the impact of not doing so.

I'm unsure whether to keep going or stick it out in the hope that he will get there in tjme. It is important to me to be able to build a future together with someone. However, we have an otherwise wonderful relationship (great emotional intimacy, not to mention sparks fly in the bedroom), we still plan and commit to things like holidays, and he is clearly on a journey of self development and making progress. We also spend loads of time together despite living apart. I don't feel ready to walk away and would really regret not giving him enough of a chance as he is otherwise my perfect man! Am I being silly to keep going with this in the hope we will get there eventually?

Just noticed you said he’s an introvert so having his own space when he needs to recharge is probably vital to him.

You say you spend 3 nights plus weekends together - would you really throw away someone so good just for the sake of a night or two in your own space? Honestly most single women your age would cut their right arm off for what you’ve got.

I'm coming up to 2 years since my marriage ended and I can't imagine wanting to make a financial commitment to a new partner! I can barely even date since as soon as a date starts talking about feelings and where the relationship is going, I go cold.

18 months is no time at all really. What's the rush to live together? Why not just enjoy having a lovely supportive relationship and the freedom to enjoy your own space some of the time too?

I think this is perfect you spend a lot of time together, go on holiday together and enjoy each other's company and then can also get a break away to do your own thing, I don't know why anyone would want more, it seems a great balance to me

This is the dream, surely?
Tell me where I can find a sensible man who is happy to take things slowly - the complete opposite of my experience.

I agree with everyone else, what’s the deal with living together? And yes I think 18 months is far too soon. Maybe he never wants to live with anyone again (I wouldn’t). Living apart means you can keep things fun and on your own terms, without the drudgery and resentment that comes with cohabitation.

This is a strange post. Who breaks up when everything is great other than living together. It don't live together

I’m in my 50s and have spent the last few years in a long distance relationship. I’m not entirely sure that I would want to live with someone again, and certainly don’t feel any need to do so at the moment.

Well you're going the right way about losing him if you keep this up OP. And sounds like that would be a source of huge regret. In your set of circumstances and the length of your relationship, if I was HIS confidante I'd be advising him to keep things exactly as they are for now - possibly forever - and be very wary of your pushiness on this subject. I've been separated since my early 40s (am 50 now) and one of the great things about being passed thr family formation stage is that I get to decide how to live. Many, many more people are making the decision he was made, it is not at all unusual and I would say you are the outlier if anything.

I wish I was in a relationship where we lived separately 🙏😂

I’m early 50s, divorced and have been with my partner who I met online for 3 years. We both have grown up kids who don’t live with us. It was a LDR for the first couple of years then when we realised it was serious he moved closer to me - he rents and I own my own home.

We’re 5 minutes apart, spend most weekends and some weekday evenings together but in between it’s easy to pop in for a cup of tea or meet in the town. We go on holiday regularly and I enjoy our time together but I am so relieved to have my own space again at the end.

He's the best partner I’ve ever had and he respects that I have no desire to live together - the only advantages to that would be that it’s cheaper and it would shut our friends and families up 🙄 But I’m not sacrificing an amazing relationship for arguing over who puts the bins out, complicated shared finances and poor sleep.

I love looking forward to seeing him, we have the best times and fantastic sex but my own space and time are so important too - I went from living with parents to friends to my husband and it finally feels like my time. I’m very lucky that he understands that - it’s not a lack of feeling for him, rather that our relationship is too good to mess up.

Maybe your partner feels something like I do - if you don’t want to lose him try to understand and respect that.

I divorced in my 40s and have never been sure I want to live with anyone again, certainly in no rush to, I know couples who have never lived together.

I'm the same. Have been divorced for almost 3 years now and has tried dating and had a couple of 3-4 month long sort of relationships. As soon as they start getting serious and putting pressure on me to show some sort of obvious committment I feel so stressed and then I end it. After the last one (a year ago) I just decided to give up as I'm clearly not ready and because I have no desire to live with anyone ever again it was an easy decision. I think if you keep pressuring him he will walk and the decision will be taken out of your hands anyway. Just enjoy what you have, because it sounds like a good thing, and let him take his time.

This.

It isn't inevitable that good relationships progress to sharing a household. I love my SO but neither of us have any urge to live together (or with anyone else). We like our space.

To be badgering someone after a mere 18 months seems very clingy. And presumably it was a good deal less than 18 months if you've had multiple conversations on the matter. It sounds as though he's given thoughtful and respectful answers.

You're entitled to want what you want... but pickings are slim. Take a good look around at what's out there before you jettison this one.

My sister was with her ex 21 years, they have 2 DD and they never lived together. He had a HA house that he didn’t want to give up (rightly) she owned her own place. It worked well for them for all those years.

I used to think it was a big strange - now I think it’s the perfect scenario.

Excellent questions.

Why so desperate to merge households after such a short time?

Surely it's obvious he needs space post-divorce; this is what he is doing. Not everyone can divorce, go no contact and move on after a few weeks and months, as the media tells us to do. Quite frankly, that's bordering on sociopathic.
He's dipping his toe in and rebuilding trust in himself and his new partner, you.

No disrespect to you, but I don’t blame him for a multitude of reasons.

Why would he want to jump into living with you so soon after a traumatic divorce.

Personally, I think you’ve got a really good thing going living separately, but understand it’s not your ideal.

If I was you, I would back off pressuring him and enjoy the relationship. If after a few years, I still wanted to live with him and he didn’t, then I would make the make or break decision.

If it's going well why not just enjoy the stage you are at?

All of this. You have the perfect set up. The man you are with is lovely. You have your own space and finances and so does he. You don't have to consider his taste or wish to do things/ not be bothered to do things to a shared house. Your house is yours entirely. You can redecorate 5 times a year or do absolutely nothing ever.You don't have to deal with someone else's 'stuff' or mess or obsession with tidiness or strange quirks with how cupboards are organised. You are free to choose a picture or bedding or furniture without discussing it with another person. You like it, you have it. At 40 you don't need to move in together ever. You are free to have your own space and time and friends separate from your boyfriend. He is free to do the same. Enjoy it . It sounds absolutely brilliant.

Sorry to be harsh OP, but I actually think you pressuring him is a bigger red flag than him wanting to wait. You are two independent adults who have only been together 18 months and have no practical need to live together. On top of that, you say that he had a difficult divorce and has doing all the right things - financially and emotionally - to become a stronger person and inevitably a better partner too. The fact that he has shown noticeable progress and wants to feel totally ready before moving in with a new partner is a positive signal in my view. Don't throw away something that sounds great.

Probably the main reason your relationship is so good is because you don't live together.

Enjoy it as it is. 💐

spends 3 nights a week & most of every weekend with me

Do you spend those evenings at his or yours OP? Because if it's mostly at yours I could understand discomfort at him not wanting to live together, it must always feel like he's keeping an escape route open while enjoying being hosted at your expense for five nights out of seven. For me that would feel like my space is always being compromised while he maintains his space as he likes.

As it's still relatively early days in the relationship I think a reset would help, I would focus on other things for now, friendships, family and hobbies, whatever you enjoy most and slow this relationship right down and then see how things progress. I'm not suggesting a "treat him mean to keep him keen" tactic but simply allowing yourself time to enjoy dating this man while building other areas of your life. You have ended a long term relationship and ended up with this man fairly quickly, so taking time for you as just you may be helpful, not just being one half of a couple.

There's no real rush to live together. He's obviously not ready for it and why push it any further. It's plain that you get along and it not worth forcing the issue of living together.

Myself and my partner have been in a relationship since 2020. We've never lived together. I've moved to be closer to her but that's as far as it's ever went.

My only reservation about it is that I can go up to four days without seeing her sometimes. It's a long time. But she suffers from quite acute anxiety and needs space to deal with her daily stresses.

Agree with all of the others. 18m is nothing and it’s amazing he’s aware he isn’t ready.

My now DH swore he would never marry again and my friend that she will never buy a property with another man after her divorce.
DP has had his fingers burnt and needs time to regroup. Only think of ending this if you’re unhappy in other ways. He may want to live with you eventually or may not.

You're practically living together anyway. 5 nights a week together is more than very many marriages.