I’ve fucked everything up

[OHara1991]

I’ve been with him for almost 16 years, married seven. We have two small children and a wonderful life.

I was getting really down about my weight after the summer and secretly arranged to start ozempic. I hid it because I knew it would be a flat no from him and I wanted to do it any way (which is obviously very selfish of me), I’ve never hid anything before. I did it for around three months, then when he asked me about it one day (if I was taking it) I lied to his face and said I’d only tried it once. Right then I stoped and felt truly terrible, but hoped we would would just move past it, I promised myself to never be such a twat ever again. I don’t know why I lied but after I did I felt I couldn’t go back as it would only be worse, and I essentially ended up fucking gas lighting him. Which makes me a truly terrible person, and I’m shocked I was even capable
of it.

Any way, he found out today, saw it all on my online banking. He is (rightly) distraught, I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

I'm with him, I get it.

He sees these drugs as something potentially unsafe, as they're new. Plus, that much of it is bought illegally online, so you don't know whether it's actually what it's meant to be. Think of it like the Thalidomide issue. This was being handed out like M&Ms, and look what happened... he's just concerned.

If you wanted to smoke, he has a right to say a firm no. Sure, it's your body, but it's his deal-breaker for him. He can't actually stop you, and he'd be wrong for guilting you or using emotional manipulation, but he does have every right to not trust you now for lying, and/or leave because you did this.

If someone is able to contribute to all shared expenses why should their spouse get a veto on how they spend the rest of their own money?
With a controlling fucker like the OP’s husband I wouldn’t have a joint bank account because I wouldn’t want to justify every time I bought a new top or got my hair done, which I can bet you anything this fine specimen would ask for justification for. Joint finances can be a way for men to exert control.

@OHara1991 looking at this another way, and from the perspective of someone who has been married for 33 years to a man who hesitates to take a paracetamol.

When I felt I needed HRT I got HRT from the Dr. No discussion from my DH required. When a hospital consultant suggested an injectable drug for osteoporosis as the optimal treatment although it was not available on the NHS, I made the decision there and then to spend the £2400. No discussion with my DH required about the treatment or me spending my own money.

We have separate bank accounts. We do not monitor them. We do not look at stuff on each other's phones. We do not seek permission if we go out independently although we communicate.

I would focus on why you felt you needed to lie in the first place.

I am slightly dishonest about one thing with DH. 31 years ago I gave up smoking. Very occasionally, if out with a girlfriend who smokes, I will have a secret ciggy. I would deny it. I don't know why, more a pissed offedness with myself than a fear about him I guess. He'd just raise an eyebrow and say "not very sensible, is it?"

Clear the air op. Perhaps you both need some couples counselling. However, I'd be clear with him about one thing. You want the weight loss drugs, you want to lose weight and you have made the decision to spend your money. That is your absolute right. And I don't agree with the drugs. Just as I don't agree with abortion but if my dd decided to take that route, I'd support her decision.

I hate it when posters do this. From OPs written he’s obviously had a bad experience with people around him using non / prescribed drugs. I hope you apologise to the OP for making absolute shit up.

It sounds like his issue is more that you got it online and you don’t really need it? He shouldn’t be controlling about this, but you shouldn’t have kept it a secret from him. I think couples therapy would be a good way forward tbh.

I think OP's husband found this thread.....

It’s not an illegal drug, because there are health benefits.
I am getting the impression you only lied because you knew he would not like you taking it, not because you want to hide things from him normally. But it is your choice, whether you take it or not.
Please do stand up for yourself. And hopefully when he cools down he’ll understand!

Indeed. When I'm at the doctor's or in the pharmacist's, I really don't feel the need to check in with my DH over any medication. I wouldn't even mention it in most cases beyond "sorry I can't drink because I'm taking this at the moment" or "I'm a bit worried about this, what do you think?"

It can be, but plenty of women would be annoyed if their husbands spend £££ a month on a vanity project. You see it all the time on here. That is the mumsnet double standard though, of course.

The lying is a massive red herring OP. The real issue is how he behaves in general.

I couldn't be arsed to deal with the sulking, and argument it would cause (which is tiny now in comparison) which would then inventibly end in me not doing something I wanted to do.

He makes an argument and bad atmosphere so great, when you do something he doesn't like, that you change and you don't do it.

You think you are the over demanding one. You are gaslighting yourself!

Please post more OP about your life - name change if you want and do it on a different thread- just keep gently asking yourself the question "Am I being controlled? Am I free to do what I want?"

Notice in your life and household the small decisions. Keep a note, mentally, of when you get what you want- when he inconveniences himself for you and does something that you prefer even if he thinks different. And the reverse.

I think you will find that you are SO GOOD at anticipating what he will want, super serving his needs. Then if it is not possible to meet his needs you apologetically ask for a small thing to be different, then he grudgingly agrees so you feel you've been "over demanding" and he has been kind.

Please read the Lundy Bancroft book. If he isn't controlling, it won't make any odds, will it? You'd just be educating yourself about something that happens to other people.

Your body, your choice.

He needs to consider why you lied, and that is because he is controlling you. It’s your body, your money, and your choice. End of. It’s a shame you can’t see how controlling this is and assume it’s normal marriage behaviour, because in a healthy marriage, partners don’t act like this.

No you don’t. This arrogant, controlling man decrees what you are and are not allowed to do with your money and your body. There is no freedom at all.

And because you felt compelled to be secret about it, because of his control, he’s now controlling you and abusing you in other ludicrous ways, like accusing you of cheating on your teens. He’s punishing you for not doing exactly what he’s decided you’re allowed to do.

Not. A. Good. Man.

He's nothing but a gaslighting controlling little shit, and I'm sorry that you've put up with so many years of his crap that you can't see it for yourself.

Stop grovelling and own it. You did it for your health, you lied because you knew how he would react, and any attempt to now make this argument all about your deception and turn it into a "how could you possibly lie to me, what else have you lied about?? 🥺" will be ignored.

You are absolutely not in the wrong here.

But this isnt true...?

Its been in research for over 20 years as a diabetic medication. It has only recently beed approved for weightloss, but it isnt new, it is well researched.

Its is prescribed by pharmacies, yes these pharmacies are online, but they are still pharamcies, affiliated with the NHS and liase with GPs surgeries. THese same phamacies can fill migraine, blood pressure, PPI, etc prescriptions too if you lack the time to visit a GP. Its regulated

A small minority may exagerrate their weight in order to obtain the medication, however, again, they contact GPs. By that same count, people lie to HCP's to obtain medications all the time, its such a small minority of people though, we dont stop prescribing analegesics or benzodiazepines to people who need them due to a few who lie to get them prescribed?

The drugs are not new - they have been used in diabetics for decades. They are nothing like thalidomide. In any event, the OP is the one taking them, not him. He can have a view that he doesn’t want to take them himself but not that other people can’t take them.

As for smoking, he doesn’t have a right to say a firm no either. He can’t control what an adult does to their body. With smoking it has an impact on the partner because of the smell and passive smoking. Nothing like that applies to ozempic.

So what, the OP lied? She lied because she knew what he would say and she wanted to do it anyway. She’s not a child. If I knew that someone would react like an utter cock about something fairly trivial, I might lie to keep the peace because I was going to go ahead with my choice whatever they said and I couldn’t be arsed with an argument.

If someone wants to leave someone else because they’ve got a little help with weight loss then fine. I wouldn’t fight to save the relationship.

@Mydietstartstomorrow . i d reread. i note i dropped an "a"from able...otherwise it reads fine. if you genuine dont understand wht i say feel free to scroll by?im not meaning to be obtuse. (i cant help the way i write unless i practice.)
@OpenOP thats a high level of hatred.Doesnt exactly show you in a good light. is pretty pot \kettle to other end of scale.
i am aware that the potential that op is experiencing a degree of control by dh is viable.
i just think is a bit much to jump in in that-there are so many variables-she could be a repeat offender at body altering obsession,nobody asked her weight height..any sorta pattern of dysmorphia-nobody asked whos monety ,how financed this,nor if SHE felt controlled? just right in with you done sod all wrong.
i assure you. your partner mitting from share truth,lie when caught then get even more caught is really crappy way to treat a partner.
ithought her distress was because she realised that.
he gets crucified -immediately.thats not necessarily justifiable

it doesnt sound like a big deal
it is your money
your body

Losing weight is a vanity project?

What planet are you on?

i agree

How about the OP asking herself what else about her abusive, coercive husband is upsetting her? Some of these responses beggar belief.

Oh my god, he’s being a fucking twat OP.

You chose to take some medication for personal reasons. You chose not to tell him at the start. It’s YOUR BODY. It’s a massive red flag that the reason you didn’t tell him is because he would have kicked up a huge fuss - about YOUR body I might add.

unless it got you into massive debt I think he is being very unreasonable and as for bringing up the past? He can f right off.

OP you need to toughen up here. Yes apologise for lying but you’ve actually done nothing wrong. The issue is the dynamic in your relationship and that you were scared to tell him.

I agree with the people saying « own it »

Its your body. You can do what you like. You prioritised your health.

Likewise it’s your money. You earned it. Provided you’ve paid the shared bills you can do precisely what you want with it. It’s yours.

Yes you lied because you knew he wouldn’t approve. You’ll work on your honesty provided he works on being less judgmental and overbearing.

Actually I’d feel the same if this was a husband. People who aren’t overweight don’t understand the struggle some others go through with weight loss. These medications are dismissed as vanity when to many they are the only way to reach a healthy weight.
I think most people would only care/mind if it meant their partner now wasn’t contributing or they couldn’t get essentials or save.

Joint finances with a controlling prick is such a limit on autonomy. They literally get opportunity after opportunity to control you that way. I’d never do it.

This with bells on!

@OHara1991 - his behaviour is what is wrong. Stop tying yourself in knots to accommodate him.

If he threatens to leave, offer to pack his bags and stand firm, explaining it is your body, your life and he needs to stop being controlling. Do not back down.

It doesn't fucking matter if she's earning. Being a SAHM wouldn't mean she should have no access to or independence regarding money.