I’ve fucked everything up

[OHara1991]

I’ve been with him for almost 16 years, married seven. We have two small children and a wonderful life.

I was getting really down about my weight after the summer and secretly arranged to start ozempic. I hid it because I knew it would be a flat no from him and I wanted to do it any way (which is obviously very selfish of me), I’ve never hid anything before. I did it for around three months, then when he asked me about it one day (if I was taking it) I lied to his face and said I’d only tried it once. Right then I stoped and felt truly terrible, but hoped we would would just move past it, I promised myself to never be such a twat ever again. I don’t know why I lied but after I did I felt I couldn’t go back as it would only be worse, and I essentially ended up fucking gas lighting him. Which makes me a truly terrible person, and I’m shocked I was even capable
of it.

Any way, he found out today, saw it all on my online banking. He is (rightly) distraught, I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

He isn’t going to leave you. He is emotionally punishing you so badly so that you are scared to go against him ever again. Control control control

Having read all your updates, I'm hoping you are coming around to the idea that your husband is a controlling dickhead.

Let's look at what you did: used YOUR OWN money to pay for something which affects nothing but YOUR OWN body. Yes, you lied about it, which isn't great, but you did so because you knew from prior experience that he would try to control you and sulk if he didn't get his way.

If my wife told me she wanted to try Botox or Ozempic, I'd do my research, tell her about my concerns and then leave her to make the decision about HER OWN BODY using her own mind. This is what a spouse does in a normal, healthy marriage.

Oh OP. The sulking and moodiness IS control. I think you know this really.

You obvs shouldn’t have lied. It’ll mean he struggles to believe other things you say. But trust can be rebuilt. You didn’t lie about doing something you shouldn’t have done (like a cheater lies). You lied because you didn’t want to tell him what medication you’d decided to take. You should have said: “I don’t want to discuss it” or “yes, I’m taking it”.

But it’s not for him to tell you ‘no’ to things or ‘not allow’ them. He’s not your parent or master. He should be an equal. He’s, of course, entitled to an opinion. But that’s all. You’re not obliged to do what he prefers. You’re not even obliged to reveal to him what medication you’re taking. You’re an independent person and entitled to privacy.

If you’ve been together since you were 14 years old, you obvs haven’t formed the relationship as an adult or had chance to be a single, independent adult woman. This may be why you’re struggling to see his behaviour is controlling and (apparently) abusive at times: if he acts out, sulks or threatens to end the relationship if you don’t do what he says.

Sounds like you both need a reset and to renew your relationship as 30 year olds, rather than teenagers. Maybe couples counselling, so you can say in a safe space that you lied because you wanted to avoid his unacceptable behaviour if you told him the truth.

However, if you’ve ordered the medication online and you’re not taking it on prescription under supervision of a doctor, you should be aware of the risks of doing this. And he’s entitled to be worried about these risks and say he’d prefer you not to take such risks.

i don’t agree with “most people” not minding, judging by the amount of threads on here. I’m not directing this at you as you don’t come across this way, but a lot of the time on here if a man exhibits XYZ behaviour they’re horrible and abusive, if a woman does it it’s justifiable (they’re stressed, they’re allowed to etc.) and I get really sick of the double standard on here. There’s a thread atm about a woman who was drunk all night and still drunk in the morning whilst looking after a very young child and posters are lining up to defend her!

What does he weigh OP? That’s the weight you need to be shifting from your life.

Nobody gets to tell you what you put into your body.

That includes illegal party drugs.

The only difference is that illegal party drugs are entirely different and are indicative of a lifestyle that many (myself included) don’t want to be involved in. However, still nobody gets to tell you you can’t. The only control we have over others is whether we want to spend time with them (or be in a relationship with them).

You having Botox or taking weight loss drugs is none of his business. It doesn’t change your lifestyle, or expose you or your family to criminals. They’re both completely legal. Therefore his ONLY reason to objecting to either is because he thinks he has ownership (or at least part ownership) of your body. He doesn’t.

You lied because you had to, or felt you had to, because he believes he has a right to control what you put in your own body. He doesn’t. Stop apologising, stand your ground and tell him this.

Ozempic is not steroid (or something you shouldn't be taking) its is a medication. If you have been prescribed with it (even privately) then it means you are eligible to take it. Imagine someone was talking like that about thyroid medication or high blood pressure. Obesity is a disease and it has major complications for your health. I am surprised you felt you need to hide it and that he can have an opinion on it. Millions and millions of people trying to loose weight naturally but cant as we can see obesity rates only going up, so don't be hard on yourself for needing it. It is bad that you lied but clearly there is a lot to unpack here

OP, could you look at it this way to gain another perspective? If my husband was concerned about me taking weight loss injections, he would discuss his concerns with me and we would talk it out. He would be concerned about my wellbeing, so wouldn't take the opportunity to emotionally abuse me if I had felt the need to keep the injections private (I would use the word private rather than secret in this case, we all have the right to privacy in relationships). He would also want to understand why I felt I had to lie about it and would be upset that I felt I had to (rather than that I did).

I too have been in an abusive, coercive relationship and I would delete distort and generalise any advice I received from worried friends. It took me years to climb out of the mindset and I am so grateful I have. Your life does NOT have to be this way. Your OH should be making you happy, not fearful and shamed. Do have a read of the link above and start making steps for a better life: we only get one chance at it.

Other things that controlling fuckers get “upset” about: certain types of contraception (or contraception full stop - artificial hormones are bad for you), wearing makeup (I just want you to look natural, babe), certain clothes (I want you to look classy), beauty treatments (you don’t need them), injectables (I don’t want you to look plastic, babe), HRT (artificial hormones again).

And somehow it gets linked to potential cheating because obviously twats like these are deeply insecure.

I think it’s getting worse with the tradwife/misogyny movement where I keep seeing Instagram accounts of degree educated women who now live in the wilderness with some bearded prick, raising his 7 children and going on about raw milk.

Just keep your head down and be nice to him for a bit. Tell him you lied and shouldn't have done, this was because you genuinely felt you needed to lose weight for yourself and your family for health and your own reasons. You knew he would be against it which is why you hid it. Just say you are really sorry about it and understand his feelings.
He is a man and I promise you he will have lied to you in the past about something.
But in a relationship honesty and openness is vital... for future reference. all the best

How did he not see them in the fridge?

Yes it's wrong to lie in a relationship. And you've taken full ownership of that.

But it's also wrong to give a 'flat no' to your OH in regards to how they spend their own money on their own body.

It's wrong to sulk, to shout, to coerce, to guilt-trip your OH. Thet are all forms of controlling and your OH is controlling you. Maybe not all the time, and maybe not in every situation.

But you've told us why you lied - because you knew he'd give a 'flat no' (he thinks he has a right to give you instructions, like a child????? WOuld he ever take such orders from youi??) and then he'd be angry and / or sulk if you went ahead anyway.

This is clear controlling behaviour.

And the fact he's caught you out on a lie now is giving him free reign to go into controlling mode. He is likely over-egging his 'I can't trust anything you've ever said' angle, because he now has an excuse to guilt-trip you, make you walk on eggshells, make you feel you're in the wrong / don't deserve such a great husband as him.

You made a mistake. You acknowledge it, won't do it again and have apologised genuinely. You don't need to keep apologising or punishing yourself for it. Nothing good will come of that, other than satisfying him that you're suffering.

Has he apologised for any of his behaviour ever? The sulking, manipulating, guilt-tripping, thinking he can give you orders? I hope this experience makes you aware of his behaviour and to reassess your relationship.

No, he doesn’t.

He can absolutely have a boundary, and he can absolutely say he does not want to be in a relationship with a smoker (I have the same boundary), but he does not have the right to tell her she can’t smoke.

There’s a difference that’s subtle, but it’s important when they’ve been together since they were children and so she hasn’t had a chance to be an adult alone or find out who she actually is. They’re so enmeshed, and because they’ve grown up together neither of them seems to understand this.

OP, if he’s not unkind in other ways, I wonder if this is largely the problem. You don’t know each other as independent adults because you haven’t ever been independent adults. It may be that he’s not abusive or controlling intentionally - more that neither of you actually realises what a healthy relationship looks like because you have grown up as one entity rather than two people.

As someone up thread said, I think you need couples counselling to unmesh yourselves. This doesn’t mean the end of the relationship (unless you want it to be), but rather finding a way to build a healthy foundation for an adult
relationship - something two children were not capable of doing. If you mention this to him, you will likely be met with resistance and a fear that you are ‘breaking up with him’ - this is natural because this relationship and the status quo is all you’ve ever known as adults and so any change to that is going to feel scary.

I do think this is something people are missing - it doesn’t make his reaction right (it’s definitely not), but it doesn’t mean he’s a monster either. Both of you have missed a key part of growing and maturing and learning about how a healthy relationship looks, having been together since literal childhood. You need to prioritise unpicking that and rewiring yourselves as two individuals who have chosen to be a couple, rather than your whole adult identity being as a couple.

OP @OHara1991 be honest, did you meet the criteria for the drug officially? Or did you tell any white lies about your weight to get it?

Weight loss injections can't just be ordered online without a prescription, there is a process to follow.

I think the thing about 'lying' here is a distraction from what's going on: this was information withheld from someone who would emotionally abuse the OP if they knew the truth, and so prevent her from accessing the medication she wishes to take to improve her health. To feel so concerned about your husband's reaction that you feel you have to lie about something like this is just awful, and for him to compound it with 'oh well, I can't trust anything you say now forever' is just pure control. I think some posters who haven't been in coercive relationships themselves are missing the nuance and the difference between honesty in a healthy relationship and this kind of power trip.

You're not understanding what people are saying - he doesn't get to say 'no' when it comes to decisions you make about your body.

Your are missing the point. If her DH is harbouring unjustified bad feelings towards OP she has every right to try and find out what else is wrong in his eyes then act on it accordingly. My response is perfectly reasonable.

Exactly. He doesn’t like weight loss drugs? Cool, he doesn’t have to take them. He gets fuck all say about what other people do.

Oh god, have you got children with this man? Is he also abusive and controlling to them, or do they just have to watch him do it to you?

People make good points about considering if the DH is abusive in other ways.

But purely on the face of it - she did something she knew probably wasn’t right (didn’t strictly need the drugs), is controversial and that he and many others would disagree with, then lied about it to him.

Its not the end of the world but can see why he’d feel angry about it and why she’s feeling bad.

All you can do now is give a sincere apology and hope he accepts.

If he wants to leave after this then I would guess there are other issues.

He is entitled to withdraw and be silent when he is upset. Not everyone can fake pretend they're ok.

Do you mean you're like bmi 27 when you say 'wrong end of overweight'? So it's for vanity weight and you don't actually need it which is also relevant to whether your DH is controlling and unreasonable. A doctor online is working by different incentives and guidelines, some people also lie on their application to get it so...
I don't think your DH was controlling, I think he is entitled to his views on Ozempic which are held by many and that you could still do it even if he didn't approve. I think you know you don't actually need them and ashamed of taking them.
So what if he had said a flat no? You could also say, "well tough I'm going to do it anyway"and when he asked you, you could have admitted it.

This is about your body issues making you lie to your husband and sneak around.

I think your body isn't 100% yours when you're in a committed live in relationship because any side effects would affect them. If something happened you and he had no idea what meds you're taking! your choices and body changes absolutely affect your partner and relationship eg boob job, fillers, massive weight loss or gain... I would be hurt and unable to trust if my partner didn't tell me let alone didn't tell then gaslit me about it and then i'm accused of silent treatment and being controlling!!

Bottom line, I'm team DH and I think you should apologise and get therapy for your body issues.

Give over, her body is hers, 100% of the time.

So if your dh was getting a secret vasectomy or was secretly treated for a serious illness or whatever then you don't deserve to know? This is not about whether he has a right to do those things, of course he can like she can go and eat poison if she wanted to it's about telling them what you're doing to your body because it will affect them. If you then decide to do it anyway that's up to you but our bodies are part of the deal when we get into a marriage or a romantic relationship.

@OHara1991 given the predominant sway to blame him for your actions. i probably wouldnt show him it.no.
it is very easy to sit and deem him controlling- i think its also controlling to an extent to avoid potential confrontation by sneak,deceit and lie. whilst fire in and do it anyway.
its fairly new and very heavy promoted on media..
would he really object to a prescribed med. ...or would he object to you jump bandwagon.
you been together since teens so maybe both of you should both reconsider the dynamics. ...individually...collectively. have awkward conversatins and make informed adult choices.

if kids at school get your head down for a couple of hours.drive you mad on here for sure!