I’ve fucked everything up

[OHara1991]

I’ve been with him for almost 16 years, married seven. We have two small children and a wonderful life.

I was getting really down about my weight after the summer and secretly arranged to start ozempic. I hid it because I knew it would be a flat no from him and I wanted to do it any way (which is obviously very selfish of me), I’ve never hid anything before. I did it for around three months, then when he asked me about it one day (if I was taking it) I lied to his face and said I’d only tried it once. Right then I stoped and felt truly terrible, but hoped we would would just move past it, I promised myself to never be such a twat ever again. I don’t know why I lied but after I did I felt I couldn’t go back as it would only be worse, and I essentially ended up fucking gas lighting him. Which makes me a truly terrible person, and I’m shocked I was even capable
of it.

Any way, he found out today, saw it all on my online banking. He is (rightly) distraught, I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

until I got caught out in that lie today when he saw they payments on my banking app.

Rather, until he got caught being nosey and controlling.

Wildwalksinjanuary
Well I'll guess I'll never really know, but I would imagine it would have been a huge thing about why he disapproves, how could anyone anywhere inject themselves with something off the internet, I always do whatever I want, his opinion doesn't matter, that sort of thing.

He just left for work without saying anything to me. Which he never normally does (silent treatment).

This is just one aspect.

I am 100% sure that you have sex when you don’t want to, you do things you aren’t comfortable with. You watch things or go to places that don’t interest you. You put his needs before your own automatically. You have little say over daily decisions.

This issue will be just one small piece of a much, much bigger picture.

Firenzeflower
I've been up all night thinking about it, and I am coming to the conclusion that yes, it is all a bit dramatic, and actually in the grand scheme of things I'm generally a good partner and mother, I just fucked up and told a shitty lie and have been caught.

Wildwalksinjanuary

Sorry but this isn't the case at all. If anything I'm the slightly over demanding one.

I can't believe I've been up all night. My kids are getting up soon and I need to get in gear. I've really appreciated all your comments and it's given me lots to think about, thank you for keeping me company on what would have been a lonely night.

He actually suggested I go to therapy (for being able to lie so easily) so he’s not against that by any means.

Until the therapist suggests that he’s a coercive controlling twat and then it will be a hard no because his behaviour is beyond reproach.

Be now prepared for the Ozempic stick which he will metaphorically beat you with because now he’s convinced you that he is justified in questioning your every move or motivation. You can not win with a man like this because he isn’t mature enough to have his ‘opinions’ challenged. Can you imagine if you wanted to join a gym, he would start accusing you of going to get the attention of men. Your leash just got a lot shorter.

It doesn’t really surprise me that you’ve been together since mid teens, you’ve never had the opportunity to not have your world shaped by his likes or dislikes. Your ‘freedoms’ are at his discretion. He gets you do fall into line by making disobeying him so uncomfortable that you comply for fear of his displeasure.

And silent treatment is abuse, he knew it would hurt and worry you. Again, another punishment.

You lied because he would punish you. Understandably you didn’t want to suffer his anger, his judgement, his berating of your decisions. Going on at you. I wouldn’t like that either. It makes sense to me why you lied, complete sense.

The issue is somewhere along the way you have lost the ability to make decisions for yourself, he makes them for you and you are not allowed to decide. He uses different ways like anger, disapproval, abandonment to keep you in your place. That’s the issue here op. ,

If he had done something potentially dangerous and life changing, knowing you wouldn't be too keen, then lied to you about doing it, fow would you feel?
All those screaming about 'control' are being disingenuous; there are many posts here moaning about DHs doing x,y,z, 'without telling me', etc.

Can you reread your comments through before posting as they’re making little sense!

OP he’s really making a big deal about this. As others have said, it’s your choice, your money and your body. I would be more concerned about the controlling nature of this man and why you don’t feel you have autonomy over what you can and can’t do

@OHara1991 my partner probably wouldn’t be delighted if I’d made a thread about his behavior but if the overwhelming consensus was that he was unreasonable, he’d take that on. What he wouldn’t do is then punish me and give me the silent treatment, but he also isn’t coercively controlling.
What I will say is that he will give his opinion on things he disagrees with - but doesn’t punish me for not agreeing.Sulking, huffing, silent treatment when you suggest you’re going to have Botox, because he doesn’t like it, is the part that’s control. A healthy response would be - I don’t agree with Botox and do t think you need it, but if that’s what you want to do, that’s your choice. And then acting kindly and normally towards you.

Where did you get it? Assuming you are in the UK, if it was a respectable pharmacy they update your GP which in turn updates on your NHS app. Its a prescribed medication (though that cant be ozempic as it isnt prescribable for WL in the UK). Does he expect you to discuss every prescribed medication? My partner knows i take mounjaro, however he wasnt part of the decision making process, and doesnt contribute to the costs of it. I work a extra shift which covers the cost in full each month. I researched it and decided that it was a good option for me. Yes he has a right to be upset you lied, however, he cannot tell you what you can and cannot do with your body, he cannot place restrictions on prescribable medications. You need to assert yourself if he tries.

Its a legitamate medication, its not a fast short term fix, its a life long commitment, if you have researched it fully.

OP this is NOT a healthy relationship sorry. And your comment about HRT? That he'd be OK if a GP prescribed it but not if you wanted it for yourself/felt you needed it?

Most women these days ask for it if/when they feel they need it. Why would a GP know your body better than you do?!

Everything you post sounds worse and worse, but as people post to say he sounds jealous/controlling, you jump back on to defend him.

Big bloody red flags allover this man.

This is not a healthy dynamic for your kids to grow up with.

Your op sounds like you've murdered someone. It's your body, you shouldn't have needed to hide it in the first place. He sounds like an absolute jealous creep going on about your backpacking days. Did you know when someone accuses you of infidelity it's often because they have been unfaithful. It's called projection.

No, they aren’t disingenuous. They aren’t comparable.
OP has full bodily autonomy and rights over what she uses within the law.
That is very different to ‘my husband spent all our money on a car/quit his job and now we can’t eat/told everyone we are moving to timbuktoo without telling me’
Body autonomy is an absolute.

Start quietly standing by your decisions and opinions op.

Say to him this is my view, and yours may differ and that’s okay but I am doing it anyway. If you want to stop talking to me/leave/get upset that’s up to you, but I’m going to stand by my own opinion, decision and judgment.

Amd do it.

Ignore his techniques to make you doubt yourself, ignore the empty threats. And stand up for yourself. Start there op and see what happens.

Start by not apologising for the lie, but discussing why you had to lie, the fact you feel unable to make these decisions yourself. Be honest about the reasons. Tell him from now on, you won’t lie, but he has to agree to respect your decisions - even if he doesn’t agree with them.

good luck op 💐

This post is disgusting.

I know it is so hard to believe, accept and acknowledge when the man you love turns out to be controlling you. I'm in that situation where it likes like I have been and it is a completely shock and I, embarrassed that I didn't notice. It was sneaky and clever as he did it in such a way that I changed how I behaved because I was worried about the outcome. Funnily enough I had my hair as he liked it - surely normal to want to look nice for your husband? but I also didn't do things with it colour wise as he said no. That is a small thing but the reason is massive.

I would add to this that even within a relationship we are all entitled to bodily and medical privacy.

While it may be a good thing to discuss things with someone, that someone doesn't have to be your partner.

I used to be in a relationship like yours and didn’t realise that my ex-h was slowly taking away my autonomy and I probably would have acted in the same way you have described. I would avoid doing things or would lie about them because he would be so awful to live with but he wasn’t physical so I don’t think of it as abuse. He would bring up things from our past to say I had been unfaithful when I hadn’t and it was all to bow me into submission to manage his insecurity.

Here’s the difference, with my current partner - I decided I wanted to try the weight loss jab, I had tried many things and finally spoke to a doctor who said I was just short of the BMI to for him to prescribe it but due to a number of lifestyle factors, that I can’t change at the moment, he would recommend I take Mounjaro for a short time from an online pharmacist, which is still regulated. I came home and told my partner, although I knew he wasn’t sure about them and against them. My partner would never tell me a flat no, instead he told me his concerns, worried about the side effects and instead of moping educated himself. He encouraged me in the end as he knew it would make me happy. It wouldn’t have mattered if he had approved or disapproved I still would have taken it and there would have been no lies. With my ex-h I probably would have done the same as you.

Your husband is not expressing an opinion, he would have ascertained his authority through coercive control.

This is controlling behaviour. You might benefit from reading "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and see if you recognise any behaviours. https://dn720006.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf I would suggest opening it, and having a quick read of Page 139 onwards.

Your relationship us not healthy. If you always have to give way and feel you have to hide things or lie as his reaction will be negative (and discussion is futile as he's always right/hurt), this is toxic. There was a reason you lied, it doesn't excuse the lie but it is indicative of a much bigger issue.

What have I just read?
’You are just against men’

This is a thread supporting a woman in a controlling and coercive relationship. Please can you take your issues somewhere else,

OP you need to stand up for yourself.

You may not want to believe it but he is coercively controlling you.

You have every right to take weight loss medication if you want to - it is YOUR body - not his. How dare he dictate what you put in your body? I bet you’ve lost loads of weight and were gaining in confidence.

Yes you lied but that is because you knew there would be backlash from him - that is the problem here. You need to make VERY clear to him that you will not accept his controlling behaviour any longer.

He is now giving you the silent treatment to make you worry and panic - don’t fall for it. Let him sulk.

Do not grovel to him - you had your reason for hiding the truth from him.

Oh and I’d bet money on him searching for the evidence on your bank statement.