I’ve fucked everything up

[OHara1991]

I’ve been with him for almost 16 years, married seven. We have two small children and a wonderful life.

I was getting really down about my weight after the summer and secretly arranged to start ozempic. I hid it because I knew it would be a flat no from him and I wanted to do it any way (which is obviously very selfish of me), I’ve never hid anything before. I did it for around three months, then when he asked me about it one day (if I was taking it) I lied to his face and said I’d only tried it once. Right then I stoped and felt truly terrible, but hoped we would would just move past it, I promised myself to never be such a twat ever again. I don’t know why I lied but after I did I felt I couldn’t go back as it would only be worse, and I essentially ended up fucking gas lighting him. Which makes me a truly terrible person, and I’m shocked I was even capable
of it.

Any way, he found out today, saw it all on my online banking. He is (rightly) distraught, I feel like I’ve sleep walked into fucking up his life, our kids lives and my life.

I don’t really know why I’m posting, will we ever be able to recover from this? I haven’t been able to stop crying I just can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.

Her body is hers which is why she should have been upfront about it or at least not lied.

its right OP considers his other behaviour but I think on this occasion she was ashamed of what she was doing, knew it was wrong and that’s why she kept it secret/lied when asked.

Knowing something isnt a claim though. Both situations do not give me as a partner any control over any % of their body, it is still 100% theres to do with as they wish.

not happy in my marriage

we keep having convos where I’m open and he doesn’t know what to say

he keeps promising to change and I keep being lenient and giving him more time but it’s starting to affect my parenting towards my one year old when he’s home

i don’t know how to leave and work / sort childcare / etc

i have no family and moved to be with him so no connections near me

any advice

Those things are different and actually do affect the other person, especially the vasectomy. However ultimately the decision to get a vasectomy is the man’s and a woman still wouldn’t have a veto on what he does. She can however decide to end the relationship.

Our bodies are not part of the deal when we get married and you might want to have a think about the sinister undertones of that statement, eg abortion, marital rape.

If her husband wants to take weight loss drugs, start weight training, get his hair dyed, get Botox, none of that would be the OP’s business to have an opinion on and vice versa.

Showing him this thread will inflame the situation..i don't think he was controlling but there is a huge crowd on here that is pro injections for vanity weight and many posters with disordered eating.

You sound like you’re describing recreational drug use with the whole ‘tried it only once’ 🤨. If he’s so staunchly against medication, what exactly is his plan when he’s sick? Or worse, when your kids are unwell? Are you seriously avoiding doctors altogether, or is this just about him? Honestly, the entire situation sounds so absurd—your follow-up updates only make it harder to believe this is even real

It’s not wrong though! She lied because her DH thinks it is wrong - it doesn’t make it objectively wrong.

My dad who is a controlling wanker is against women wearing makeup. As a teen I used to hide my makeup, apply it on the bus and remove it before coming home. Not because I knew it was wrong but because he was an abusive control freak.

How we look and the choices we do with our bodies like exercise or BBL affect our relationship and attraction..you are extrapolating too much of course marital rape is wrong ffs.

How is it not your partners business if you are changing your body? How is it ok to gaslight your partner and straight out lie to his face?

Body attraction and lifestyle are absolutely part of the package and impact partners for better or worse specially couples who cohabit.

This is controlling. The sulking and anger is coercive control, making you fear his reactions so that you feel like it's not worth crossing him in any way. Silent treatment is part of a pattern of abuse. Saying that he's considering leaving you, making the threat so that you're in a position of trying to save the relationship and begging for forgiveness from him (for something he doesn't even get to have a say in) is him controlling you.

A simple apology for hiding the injections should have been enough - but you don't need to apologise for actually having them in the first place. Him then escalating to sulking, silent treatment, and accusing you of cheating on him when you were teenagers, is ridiculous.

To put it in perspective, my DH doesn't see the point of Botox and believes that aging naturally with the usual development of lines and wrinkles is much better - I only know this because we had a conversation when I mentioned that one of my friends had it.
However, when I later told him that I'd quite like to have a little bit on my 11s...he said to go for it if it would make me happy, and to make sure I found somewhere reputable. And that was the end of the discussion because it's my body and it's up to me what I do with it.

Absolutely get some therapy, just for you (do NOT go to couples therapy with this man). Read Lundy Bancroft as other posters have suggested, look up sunk costs fallacy, boiling frog syndrome + abuse, FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), and coercive control.

Do not show him this thread, use a private browser and/or delete your search history, do not tell him what you are finding out - he is not going to have a reasonable discussion with you, being open and honest (you're allowed privacy, not telling him every thought in your head is not lying) will only result in him upping his manipulation.

If he wants to leave you for making decisions about your own body, let the pathetic man baby leave - you've done nothing wrong and your life would be better for it.

Archive.org link to a PDF of Lundy Bancroft: dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

We all have different opinions. But I strongly disagree that my body is ‘part of the deal’ when in a relationship. I expect total control over both my mind and body. No one else has control over that.

And whether someone ‘deserves to know’ depends on whether it’s an abusive (controlling) relationship. In a healthy relationship there’s trust both ways. We should trust the other person to not act badly or abusively if we’re open and honest with them. If we can’t trust them to do that, then it’s understandable we may want to keep our decisions about our bodies private.

For example, if a pregnant woman wants an abortion, but there’s a reasonable risk her partner will physically assault her if she tells him that, then it’s understandable she wouldn’t tell him. More extreme example, but IMHO the principle applies regardless.

I’m not advocating deceit and lies in a relationship at all. In a healthy relationship there’s honesty and open communication. But if a relationship dynamic is such that it doesn’t feel emotionally, psychologically, mentally or physically safe to be open and honest, it’s not a healthy relationship. And that’s the problem.

Right so she should also get his view if she decides to lose weight the natural way? And you think he would be entitled to some sort of say on that? Rubbish.

She doesn’t say how much weight she lost but her husband doesn’t seem to have an issue with the weight loss but with her taking the drugs. If he isn’t attracted to normal weight or slightly less overweight women, fine. If a change in weight is a deal breaker, he can end then it can’t he?

She lied because he’s a control freak and she’s probably scared of his reaction or doesn’t want a big argument. She didn’t cheat on him, she hasn’t done anything to hurt him. People who live with controlling people lie all the time because it’s the only option in many cases.

Is it wrong for a woman whose partner says she can’t see her friends to lie about actually having seen them? No. The problem is that he sets completely unreasonable limits about what she’s allowed to do with her body.

@EdithBond I think you'd change your tune if op was saying she gained weight and her husband is no longer attracted. But it's the same principle, body and lifestyle changes affect your partner.

Well the outcome can impact on the partner. And yeah someone can say they’re not attracted to their partner if he or she gains weight. What they can’t do is police their body - they can’t force the partner to lose weight or restrict her diet so that she doesn’t gain in the first place.

This partner seems to have no issue with the weight loss but disapproves of how it has been achieved. That is the part that’s controlling and out of order.

I hope you're referring to the post by @tolerable , and not mine!

@Startinganew32 but he didn't force her, he expressed strong views against them which he is entitled to, to a wife who has no medical or genuine need to use them. This is a frivolous medication in op's case which has short term and unknown long term side effects. The Eating Didorder is controlling op, not her husband. The ED made her lie and hide.

I’m a MJ user myself so I don’t think it’s fundamentally wrong but I think she knew it wasn’t good because of borderline not needing it

No - what made her lie and hide was fear of her husband's reaction. He has form for being angry with her in the past, when she expressed opinions he didn't agree with. Now he is furious, sulking , accusing her of cheating (baselessly), threatening to leave and giving her the silent treatment.

His behaviour is far worse than hers.

You've never been in a relationship with a controlling man. This is her life. A lot of us can relate, for sure I can.

That’s between the OP and her doctors. It’s arbitrary anyway - in the US you can get it at a lower BMI from the doctor.

She doesn’t have an eating disorder you dolt. Is he medically qualified? Nope so his shitty opinion on a drug that’s been used for 20 years is neither here nor there.

Of course body and lifestyle changes affect your partner. And in a healthy relationship they’re discussed openly and honestly, rather than hidden. Both partners listen with empathy to each other’s opinions. And in the case of medication, it’s wise to seek the opinion of your doctor. But ultimately it’s an individual’s decision to make. A supportive partner accepts that.

Or, if the issue is a deal-breaker for them, i.e. don’t want to remain in a relationship with someone who smokes, they no longer find sexually attractive, takes opiates ordered online without seeking the advice of their doctor or is controlling or abusive, they’re entitled to decide to end the relationship. But, if the reason they want to end the relationship might have a solution (e.g. both partners work at reigniting the sexual attraction) then a relationship can always be saved.

Is this a joke?

Why would you need your dh’s permission to take Ozempic?

Is he abusive in other ways?

Exactly this. Look how him threatening this has you tied in knots and punishing yourself. It's a means to keep you in line

Wtf?! It's YOUR body, YOU decide how you go about looking after it. If you've decided to lose weight via injectables, so long as you can afford it and aren't stealing family money, it shouldn't be a biggie. He sounds weird and you sound like you're totally under his control. And to have ruined your life?! Come on now... get a grip.

Look up coercive/emotional control OP. I don't think he's as great as you think he is.