Don’t want my husband to come home..

[Mum618]

My husband works away for long periods of time, sometimes 3 weeks, sometimes 4, 5 or 6.

I have my routine for when he’s away. Me and the children get on great and we’re happy.

He’s due home on Monday and it’s already stressing me out. I feel like the house has to be perfect, I feel like nothing can be out of place. I feel myself getting snappy towards him over text the closer it gets to him coming home, surely I should be happy??

He’s been away 5 weeks and I should be excited shouldn’t I 😢

What is life like when he is home?

When my kids were really small, and I was off on Mat Leave, I'd get quite frustrated at the change of routine on the weekends vs my nice well run weekdays, so I can see how, scaled up, that can have a big effect on you.

Is the stress coming from him or from you? By which I mean, is he very exacting / controlling about how things need to be? Or is this a habitual anxiety for you?

I have a relative who gets enormously anxious about any change to routine, and feels some unattainable standard of perfection is required of her when anyone comes to her house - and this comes from her own stuff, which she’s trying to work on.

But if your DH makes your life difficult with his expectations, this is a different and more concerning situation.

It’s ok, sometimes I’m glad to have him there and other times I think jeez I get on better when you are away. I agree, weekdays don’t change much when he’s away but the weekends do and I hate it.

The stress comes from me. He does expect things to be done for him coming home, which I always do. If I dont manage to do certain things he expects he will do them as soon as he comes home, so that stresses me out and then I feel guilty. So this is probably where the anxiousness comes from.

I sound similar to your relative @VoltaireMittyDream. It’s a me problem. I just feel bad for feeling this way.

It’s understandable! DH spent a long time away when the DC were younger and I hated him when he came back. I had everything absolutely nailed and he messed up all my routines! Took ages to adjust. It’s always simpler running things yourself and you don’t resent the other person for not sharing the load if they’re not there. All ok but now but I could also happily live on my own with the DC and cope just fine.

Are you working? What sort of things does he expect when he gets in?

If they aren't done, is he doing them because he thinks they need doing or to be passive aggressive about it?

@Rocksaltrita glad you felt the same! I do think sometimes how easier life would be just me and the kids!

Yes I work. It’s mainly cleaning, he’s abit of a clean freak. He likes all bathrooms cleaned spotless the day he comes home, I have 4 bathrooms so it’s quite hard work! All skirtings dusted, every floor hoovered within an inch of its life, floors washed, any toys tidied away, fridge cleaned out and organised, oven cleaned, dishwasher cleaned, garage organised and tidy, I could go on. Also asks for all of my ironing to be done so I can spend more time with the family the first few days he’s home (he would never iron). Just to add I’m not a dirty person! He’s just a very clean person. He would do the jobs because he feels it needs done, then it makes me feel like abit of a shit mum/wife if I haven’t had time to do everything.

Sounds like he needs to pay for a professional cleaner to come and do a deep clean and all the ironing on the days before he comes home.

Have you ever just left the kids with him for a week when he is working from home and come back to see what he can manage being in sole charge? Because I'd be tempted to do that.

This doesn’t feel like an entirely you problem, to be fair. He does sound quite exacting and demanding.

I don’t think this is unusual, I have a couple of from whose husbands work overseas and they say exactly the same.

Fucking hell 🙈

This isn’t normal op. I’m a sahm, I don’t work - and my dh in 20 years has never demanded anything to be “spotless”. What is he a fucking army sergeant major? He sounds like a neurotic bully, I’m not surprised you’re stressed out at his return.

Maybe think about making the peace and calm of being on your own a permanent thing?

Just because it’s not unusual doesn’t mean it’s ok.

We are not in the 19 fucking 50’s anymore - good grief.

Anf then when he's home, do you have to maintain this level of show home the entire time?

I mean, I can sort of almost understand tht no one wants to come home to a complete mess and even if me or DH has just gone away for a weekend the other one would make an effort to ensure the place isn't a disaster zone on return, but this level of perfection seems a bit unnecessary and certainly suggests that you are having to work to some ridiculously high standard.

Franky, I'd be inclined to suggest you book a professional cleaning agency for the day before/morning of his arrival so the house is spotless, even if you do all the cleaning routinely. If he expects this standard throughout his time at hom e- let him get on with it.

Let me guess, you have to cook specifically the meals he likes, skip on the meals you like that he isn't keen on, keep the children from running amok, and put out every other night he is home?

Omg OP tell him not to bother coming back!

I couldn't live like that!

He should be excited to come home, not care if the house isn't pristine..

A professional cleaner would be nice! But again I’d feel like I was failing as a wife not being able to do all my chores but I know that’s a me problem thinking like that.

He’s only ever had to have the children himself 1 night. If I’ve had a difficult week sometimes with the kids and I tell him his reply will be “well it must be easier than working where I work”

No when he’s home he likes to do the majority to the cleaning as he can do it to his standard. He actually does most of the cooking as well to be honest, I love to cook but I make too much of a mess apparently. Just to reiterate I do clean after myself! And my house is clean to a normal standard.

But they are not your chores. Rhey are household chores, of which he is 50% of the adults in the home.

You already watch his kids and do the day to day crap (on top of working) to enable him to swan home every 5 weeks and demand shiny fucking floors. Bet he doesn't feel guilty putting any of this onto you.

His is wholly unfair and that’s putting it mildly. You parent, clean, cook, run around, work too like some juggling act, whilst he’s away with work and he’s off having loads of downtime scratching his arse! I’m not surprised you don’t want him home. I’d be pissed too.
I’d wipe poo in the loos, not flushed, ironing piled up, muddy floors and an empty fridge. Throw the kids at him and go out with some friends. He can do some catch up.

if he doesn't mind doing the cleaning then let him. if he doesn't judge. mine is anal about cleaning hanging the washing so he does it.

don't do the ironing and if the only barrier to getting a cleaner is you feeling like a shit wife, then let go of that. 4 bathrooms with children is a lot to manage, take a burden off yourself.

It is always worth having a conversation with him about it, if you feel it is making you feel stressed and unhappy.

He sounds like a fucking psycho.

He is an absolutely abusive controlling arsehole.

This is familiar? Did you post before?
Your marriage is over.
Stop tolerating this.
He is a psycho.
How dare he think he can dictate how you live when he is never around.

Tell him stay with family.
Get legal advice.
Talk to Women's aid.

You are being abused by him.

Get a divorce. Poor fella probably busting a gut on the oil rigs to come home to this.

You both work, you don’t want to clean, you do the childcare when you’re not at work. I hate cleaning too. Just get a cleaner that matches his standard and forget the rest. This is why I wouldn’t have considered raising a family with a man who didn’t have the same financial/household/childcare standards as me.

I can see how it is frustrating for both of you, you have to do the drudgery and he can’t see his children for weeks on end. If I couldn’t see my children for weeks I’d like a clean house and fun time with my children and not have to do housework or other crap stuff.

Have you written about this before, maybe last year?
Can you at least price up a deep clean and think about it for next time?
It seems that The Job Needs To Be Done, it doesn't have to be you doing it.

I sympathise. It was different for me, my ex would come back with a need to stamp his authority and dominance on the house. Strutting demanding knob.
I digress.

If he is happy cooking and cleaning, let him be happy. Unless it stops or interfers with you having family time all together.

You fucking what? No wonder you don’t want the demanding prick home.