Don’t want my husband to come home..

[Mum618]

My husband works away for long periods of time, sometimes 3 weeks, sometimes 4, 5 or 6.

I have my routine for when he’s away. Me and the children get on great and we’re happy.

He’s due home on Monday and it’s already stressing me out. I feel like the house has to be perfect, I feel like nothing can be out of place. I feel myself getting snappy towards him over text the closer it gets to him coming home, surely I should be happy??

He’s been away 5 weeks and I should be excited shouldn’t I 😢

scroll down the thread..
she says 'yes, I work. Mainly Cleaning'

scroll down the thread..
she says 'yes, I work. Mainly Cleaning'

You see, I interpreted that as a separate answer in relation to his expectations. Not that she worked 'mainly cleaning' more that his expectations are 'mainly cleaning' related.

Regardless, he's being unreasonable. He works away for 5 weeks (which has presumably included Christmas and the school holidays) and he has the audacity to expect a spotless house. He should be grateful he has a wife who is willing to support him in a job that requires him to be absent from family life so frequently.

How’s that? The OP is single handily looking after their children and their home, and doing everything inbetween between, without any breaks at all, also working herself. I assume OPs husband, despite being away for weeks on end, doesn’t actually work 24/7, and gets his breaks every day, his evenings (or equivalent) are completely to himself to relax and unwind, and probably gets days off in the week, as well. Other than working, he has jack shit responsibility, in the weeks that he is away.

The house doesn’t need to be perfect when he comes home, it’s not a hotel, and the OP is not her husband’s skivvy. In fact, when he gets home he should definitely do all of the cooking and cleaning, for the time he’s home , whilst the OP has some well deserved rest and relaxation.

I’m sorry but he sounds awful. My husband would NEVER expect that, it’s too much and totally unfair.

Hes treating you like a slave, not a spouse. No wonder you’re anxious.

Could you explore a life without him? Would he lower his ridiculous standards if he knew it was ruining his marriage?

Gawd, why is so little expected of men (not all men), when it comes to home life and child rearing? Such nonsense.

@Thingymajigii no that is an answer to 2 questions. First question - do you work? Answer - yes I work. Second question - what does he demand. Answer - mainly cleaning. And then OP lists all the cleaning demands he has

Who has 4 bathrooms but no cleaner? If I could afford a second bathroom I'd have one! Bugger 'failing as a wife'!

Bin him … controlling shit. Who the hell does he think he is telling you how clean the house needs to be … for him.

I'm assuming that he's very well paid for being away from home?

If you really don't enjoy having him around perhaps think about what life would be like without him and his income and take it from there.

@AgnesX he would have to then think about how he would step up as parent when it was his turn to have the DC

So no gratitude to your partner for doing ALL the parenting for 6 weeks, just entitlement to a show home? If that's the case, you're a dick too.

We live the life we choose.

My ex was in the military and he lived away during the week and was also sometimes properly away for weeks or months at a time, i relate to what you say and he wasn't even specific about cleaning etc; it's just really hard. You do get into a routine and adjust your life to be without them, and then it's a constant state of readjusting then going back to being alone- its a lot.

During the first 15 to 20 years of our marriage, my husband was away on operational tours of 6 months at a time, on and off. I used to resent him coming home, as I'd have my own routine, the house was clean and tidy, I only had to cook for myself and I didn't have to take him into account if I decided to be out all day and into the evening. That's a natural response under the circumstances.
But when he was due home, either on leave or until the next assignment, he was coming home to see me, not pick holes in what had and hadn't been done! He'd load the washer and get his laundry done, we'd go out for a meal etc. He expected nothing of me other than to be there to catch up on things and spend time together.
Your husband is being totally out of order and I think there are some pretty major discussions to be had!
You are not his skivvy! You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that if something doesn't get done, then he's quite able to do it himself. Working away is no excuse. You're caring for the kids, working and running the household quite sufficiently while he's away. You'll probably be doing far more work than he does!
It's either that, or tell him you can't live to his such high standards and that it would be better all round if you separated.
I really couldn't live like this, it's like living as a housemaid, but permanently on edge in case the boss finds fault with something!
Don't do this to yourself, it's never going to improve. You're worth more than being treated like this 💐

Have you watched sleeping with the enemy?

Your situation sounds terrifying.

That level of cleanliness is pathological. He needs a therapist to pick through why he has such a disturbed view of what a family home should be like.

If he wants to live like that he should
-live alone
-pay a professional cleaner
-do it himself

I hope you & the DCs are safe.

My H was in the army, away for long periods and away in the week, every week. I told him that he had to fit in with us not the other way round. I told him that if he didn't like the cleaning etc he was welcome to do it himself because we living there full time were happy and I had enough with work childcare etc. He took it on board and if something wasn't to his satisfaction he got on and did it after I had spent a couple of months refusing to do so. This is a him problem, not a you problem. Do not let it stress you out, "do it yourself" is a perfectly acceptable response.

That film sprang to mind when reading this OP's threads.

Sorry for the lack of replies, I didn’t expect so many messages!

Thanks for the advice. He will be home tonight and I’m not looking forward to it. I need to have a serious chat with him as I agree, it just can’t go on.

My late husband sometimes worked away for three to four weeks at a time when the kids were young. He didn't expect a show home and he pitched in to help with whatever needed doing. He recognized and appreciated that I functioned as a single parent while he was gone.

Your husband sounds controlling with very unrealistic expectations and unpleasant.

I'd be getting that cleaner and a lawyer consult because I wouldn't live like this.